bonami

Feeling out of sorts today so thought I would post here as it always makes me feel better. It’s been official for a few weeks now - my RAF is my former coworker. All the agreements have been signed, keys returned, etc. Alcohol has created a sad end to a great job for him and a close friendship of 15 years for me. Due to my position at the company, he and I still need to communicate in an official capacity about some odds and ends. You may remember that since he disappeared from work and his subsequent recovery began, I’ve been supportive and kept trying to reach out to him, but he’s been in and out of contact with me. That plus the whole uncertainty of his job situation kept tossing me into an unexpected emotional chaos. But thanks to all the wisdom I have found here on SR, I’ve been able to calm that chaos and understand that his recovery is NOT about me, and I've worked hard to let go of my expectations of him.

Until yesterday. RAF emailed me at my work address with a specific request for a document he needed. It was a casual message, not overtly friendly but not terse, either. I replied to him via the work address, and then sent him a simple note via personal email - “how are you”? His response to that one was much more blunt - “please do not contact me unless it’s work related.” Since his overall tone lately has been friendly, my expectation meter had gone up again. Oops. I keep thinking he is doing well in his recovery and we were moving back towards some regular contact, but every time he bites my hand of support, so to speak, I realize that he still has a long road ahead. I think the reality of losing this job, when things became truly final, has hit him hard, and it's caused him to shut me out again, the way he did at the very beginning of his recovery.

So I know that now I need to leave him alone and leave him to heal. And that has to help me to heal. I know we won’t ever be friends in the same way again, and I have to mourn that loss and move on. There is still some work-related contact we need to have but I need to detach my emotions from it. I still miss him a lot and I still wish him well in his recovery.

Thank you for listening. I know that there are people here with more urgent issues (abuse, protecting children, etc) caused by their A's, but just being able to share my small frustrations with people who understand has been more help to me than I can say.

wavygreensea

I am new here and do not know the back round story but I take it you and your RAF lived together for a time? Maybe I read that wrong. Anyhow, I can only imagine it would be hard to see him at work even if its just occasionally. That seems to be the only time of my day I can forget about all the mess and stress from my AH. I hope you're able to find some peaceful, healing things to do in your personal time and that work contact will be minimal. (((hugs)))

bonami

Hi wavygreensea - thank you for the support and the hug! I suppose you could say that my RAF and I *nearly* lived together, since we spent 8 hours a day together at the office while working together for 15 years! So we became good friends and confidants. He's always been a drinker but he escalated over the past year or so. Had a crisis at home, went on a bender, skipped work for several days, ended up in outpatient rehab. When he came out, he was supposed to return to work on a limited basis but the bosses decided they didn't want him here any more, so enter the lawyers and the departure agreement. I haven't seen him for several months, and missing him and his friendship has been the hard part for me all along. But I'm getting through it. Having his situation truly resolved and over with has helped. And my personal life does have some peaceful and healing things in it, I just need to add a few more. Thank you for the support and I am sending some to you as well!