Guidance Please
Ma**ied to a man in recovery
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Tampa, FL
Posts: 7
Guidance Please
My husband and I will be celebrating our one year wedding anniversary very soon (we have been together 5 years this coming February). Up until one month ago, he was a very dedicated husband, very outwardly affectionate, very supportive and seemed to be doing well in his recovery.
Recently his behaviors have changed and he is displaying signs of being irritable, restless and discontent. He is very short with me and his responses to most of what I say are generally rude. He has become obsessed with his image and spends 12 hours per week at the gym, eating a very high protien diet along with taking many, many supplements even mentioning the desire to take steriods. He is very secretive and appears to be hiding something.
The last time that he was irritable, restless and discontent was right before he had his last drink. I'm highly concerned that he is heading back down the slippery slope. He hasn't been to meetings in a long time (last time was in September for the Fall Round Up). He is not in frequent contact with his sponsor.
Saturday I mentioned to him that perhaps reading some in the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions would be good, particularly Step 10. He agreed and although he has not read, he did reach out to his sponsor and they met on Monday. After he reached out to his sponsor, I did call the sponsor and let him know my observations. I have not called his sponsor again because I do not want to break the trust that he has established with my husband. All I know about their meeting is that his sponsor told him that he should read Step 9 (making amends when to do so would not cause undo harm to the other) and take action. He has not done any reading so far.
What I need help with his how to interact with my husband without getting him on the defensive. I am highly concerned about him slipping out of recovery but with his behavior he has not been really open about having any form of deep conversation on that matter, or any other matter.
I know that I cannot change him. I want to be able to let him know how his behaviors are affecting me. Any suggestions are highly welcomed.
Recently his behaviors have changed and he is displaying signs of being irritable, restless and discontent. He is very short with me and his responses to most of what I say are generally rude. He has become obsessed with his image and spends 12 hours per week at the gym, eating a very high protien diet along with taking many, many supplements even mentioning the desire to take steriods. He is very secretive and appears to be hiding something.
The last time that he was irritable, restless and discontent was right before he had his last drink. I'm highly concerned that he is heading back down the slippery slope. He hasn't been to meetings in a long time (last time was in September for the Fall Round Up). He is not in frequent contact with his sponsor.
Saturday I mentioned to him that perhaps reading some in the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions would be good, particularly Step 10. He agreed and although he has not read, he did reach out to his sponsor and they met on Monday. After he reached out to his sponsor, I did call the sponsor and let him know my observations. I have not called his sponsor again because I do not want to break the trust that he has established with my husband. All I know about their meeting is that his sponsor told him that he should read Step 9 (making amends when to do so would not cause undo harm to the other) and take action. He has not done any reading so far.
What I need help with his how to interact with my husband without getting him on the defensive. I am highly concerned about him slipping out of recovery but with his behavior he has not been really open about having any form of deep conversation on that matter, or any other matter.
I know that I cannot change him. I want to be able to let him know how his behaviors are affecting me. Any suggestions are highly welcomed.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Hi bmbshl,
Welcome to SR!
I'm wondering, are you going to Alanon/getting support for yourself? All you can do is to address how this is affecting you by getting what you need in terms of emotional support from sources other than your husband.
You've already expressed your concerns to him, you spoke with his sponsor, and IMHO it's now time to let go or be dragged...easier said than done, I know, but as you so aptly put, you cannot change him. I'd just add that you can't control or cure him, either.
I'm glad you're here.
posie
Welcome to SR!
I'm wondering, are you going to Alanon/getting support for yourself? All you can do is to address how this is affecting you by getting what you need in terms of emotional support from sources other than your husband.
You've already expressed your concerns to him, you spoke with his sponsor, and IMHO it's now time to let go or be dragged...easier said than done, I know, but as you so aptly put, you cannot change him. I'd just add that you can't control or cure him, either.
I'm glad you're here.
posie
Ma**ied to a man in recovery
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Tampa, FL
Posts: 7
Thanks.
After doing some reading here, I have decided that I must go to Al-anon. You stated what I feared the most, and know, but haven't completely accepted. It's time to accept it or move on.
After doing some reading here, I have decided that I must go to Al-anon. You stated what I feared the most, and know, but haven't completely accepted. It's time to accept it or move on.
Ma**ied to a man in recovery
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Tampa, FL
Posts: 7
I've gone now to three Al-Anon meetings. I'm still looking to find my home group but I have already gained so much just by listening. I'm ready to start into some step work and I'm dedicated to working this program. Tonight's discussion had to do with manipulation, guilt and fear. I have been the creator and the recipient of all three. It was good to hear the stories of others and their struggles to overcome these topics. I really left the meeting beginning to feel hope.
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