My SR Family Please help.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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My SR Family Please help.
Hello fellow peeps. I am back from my trip to the mountains and let me tell you it was amazing. To have no phone, computer, tv or any other distractions for a week was so great I couldn't believe how nice it was. I had so much time to relax and think about myself and my life goals. I have had a lot of time to think about the past and realize my part in mistakes I have made. I am proud to say I think I have gone almost a month now of NO CONTACT with my AXB. I do speak to his family still and we do not discuss him at all. I have started my new job and for the first time I have gone like 2 weeks with no crying or even feeling sad Ivbe been on like a natural high. But today I have been having a bit of a rough day. Found out my cars going to cost a lot to get fixed I was actually in a pretty crumby mood. Then out of nowhere I get a Text from guess who, yes The X. OMG the universe is so tricky sometimes. In the text he stated that he was very sorry for all the hurt he has caused and that he was very upset with himself for ruining our relationship. There was more but that was the jist of it. So I read it I read it over and over maybe like 10 times. Old habits die hard anyway I did not respond. I miss him so much. I want him to be healthy and happy. But I do not want to get hurt anymore. I do not like playing any games and although I am happy he texted me I know thats not enough. When is it ok to respond. When is it ok to be friends? I am no longer angry at him. I know his problem is in control. But I do not want to go down that road again. Please tell me your thoughts. I hope you are all well tonight. Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
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Glad you had a great relaxing time away!!!
I think it was very wise of you to not respond.
I can't tell you what's right for you, but I can tell you what I do.
I have an AXH who is fiercely manipulative, as many alcoholics become in order to protect their addiction.
In the beginning of our separation, he called and texted and e-mailed me constantly. First, it was anger: How did I dare leave him? Then, when that didn't work, he turned to begging: He needed me to come back. Then, when that didn't work... you get the picture. He was like a polar bear walking around a vehicle trying to find a way in to eat the yummy-smelling human inside.
I didn't respond. I reacted emotionally, in a whole array of ways. But I did not respond.
The short period of time when we had a decent communication going, and I thought for a while we might be able to have a decent relationship at some point, was right after he was out of rehab, was going to meetings, and was committed to staying sober. We were forced to spend a day together because one of our children needed both of us there, and managed to be civil to each other.
But as soon as he started drinking again, it went downhill.
If I could go back, I would have written into our divorce agreement that all of our communication had to go through our lawyers until he had 18 months of proven sobriety under his belt. I have come far enough in my recovery that his attempts at ruining my serenity very rarely succeed anymore, but he still tries. His message can usually be boiled down to "I hate your guts, please come back to me."
I don't know if that helps in any way, but I would be really, really wary of establishing any contact at this point. When you say that you still miss him, what I hear is "she's still susceptible to his manipulation" and that is not a risk I would be willing to take.
I think it was very wise of you to not respond.
I can't tell you what's right for you, but I can tell you what I do.
I have an AXH who is fiercely manipulative, as many alcoholics become in order to protect their addiction.
In the beginning of our separation, he called and texted and e-mailed me constantly. First, it was anger: How did I dare leave him? Then, when that didn't work, he turned to begging: He needed me to come back. Then, when that didn't work... you get the picture. He was like a polar bear walking around a vehicle trying to find a way in to eat the yummy-smelling human inside.
I didn't respond. I reacted emotionally, in a whole array of ways. But I did not respond.
The short period of time when we had a decent communication going, and I thought for a while we might be able to have a decent relationship at some point, was right after he was out of rehab, was going to meetings, and was committed to staying sober. We were forced to spend a day together because one of our children needed both of us there, and managed to be civil to each other.
But as soon as he started drinking again, it went downhill.
If I could go back, I would have written into our divorce agreement that all of our communication had to go through our lawyers until he had 18 months of proven sobriety under his belt. I have come far enough in my recovery that his attempts at ruining my serenity very rarely succeed anymore, but he still tries. His message can usually be boiled down to "I hate your guts, please come back to me."
I don't know if that helps in any way, but I would be really, really wary of establishing any contact at this point. When you say that you still miss him, what I hear is "she's still susceptible to his manipulation" and that is not a risk I would be willing to take.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Julia congratulations for staying No contact!
Its a hook. You know where that leads. You know that road. "Maybe this time it will be different" is like "just one more drink".
Words are easy to say. Messages are easy to send. He had his chance and he wasted it.
You donīt "have to" anything. You donīt have to answer today, not tomorrow nor ever.
It is not up to him. Remember your ultimate goals. Remember the peace you have felt without him...
Hugs,
TC999
PS If you stay no contact, donīt be surprised if you hear he is going out with someone else soon.... Active addicts do that. If you are unwilling to play enabler, they will find someone else to partner in the sad sick dance to an early grave.
Its a hook. You know where that leads. You know that road. "Maybe this time it will be different" is like "just one more drink".
Words are easy to say. Messages are easy to send. He had his chance and he wasted it.
You donīt "have to" anything. You donīt have to answer today, not tomorrow nor ever.
It is not up to him. Remember your ultimate goals. Remember the peace you have felt without him...
Hugs,
TC999
PS If you stay no contact, donīt be surprised if you hear he is going out with someone else soon.... Active addicts do that. If you are unwilling to play enabler, they will find someone else to partner in the sad sick dance to an early grave.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
A trip to the mountains.... *sigh* a little calmer just imagining. May need to checkout books on winter camping..... hmmm.... Thanks for that thought, Juliagoolia. 
Next thought was: words are cheap and easy. I know that had I EVER received a message from XAH saying he was sorry for hurting me (as opposed to the sorry he was in rehab that I actually received...), oh the temptation to keep it and read it over and over. The dreamy rosy glasses that I would have put on...
Do I ever understand the pull. I'm pretty sure that had I received one, and had I told my sister about it, she would have grabbed my phone from my hands from across the room and deleted it in 2 seconds flat and given me the 'liars lie, slackers slack, abusers threaten and intimidate and XAH does all that and worse' lecture to bring me back down.
Personally, I think it MIGHT be ok to respond when you no longer feel the desire to re-read texts more than once. When there is no feeling of missing him. Thats me tho, and I have no desire to talk w XAH at all. (but I do re-read his messages more than once: trying to figure out if they violate the no contact order, but still...)
Now back to dreaming about camping...
Next thought was: words are cheap and easy. I know that had I EVER received a message from XAH saying he was sorry for hurting me (as opposed to the sorry he was in rehab that I actually received...), oh the temptation to keep it and read it over and over. The dreamy rosy glasses that I would have put on...
Do I ever understand the pull. I'm pretty sure that had I received one, and had I told my sister about it, she would have grabbed my phone from my hands from across the room and deleted it in 2 seconds flat and given me the 'liars lie, slackers slack, abusers threaten and intimidate and XAH does all that and worse' lecture to bring me back down.
Personally, I think it MIGHT be ok to respond when you no longer feel the desire to re-read texts more than once. When there is no feeling of missing him. Thats me tho, and I have no desire to talk w XAH at all. (but I do re-read his messages more than once: trying to figure out if they violate the no contact order, but still...)
Now back to dreaming about camping...
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
HI Julia, I think you're doing well. You miss him and wish him well, and that is OK. You're not angry with him any more, which sounds you've forgiving him, which IMO shows your strength of caracter, and what a great person you are. This is also healing for you, as resentment is very bitter to carry around and it is not helping our own healing IMO.
And now the important part: "But I do not want to get hurt anymore. I do not like playing any games and although I am happy he texted me I know thats not enough." - that is your stand, that is what you know to be right. It is not easy but it is right.
The next questions you asked, that is you - feeling tired and weak, as what you're living through is overwhelming, and that is only normal. If that time comes you'll know when it is OK to respond, to be friends. You know this is not that time, otherwise you wouldn't be asking these questions. Also, you know there is no real answer to them. It might happen in some point of your lives, or never. I guess that depends on many factors, but if it has to be said in one sentence, it would be: when the circumstances are such that he can not hurt you any more.
By saying all this I don't want to be judgmental, only I can see your hurt, and I wanted to remind you that you're doing well, and that you already know all you need to know, you said it all yourself in your post, it is just that sometimes life gets a bit too overwhelming and it is hard to see things clearly.
One step at the time, you're going in the right direction.
HUGS
And now the important part: "But I do not want to get hurt anymore. I do not like playing any games and although I am happy he texted me I know thats not enough." - that is your stand, that is what you know to be right. It is not easy but it is right.
The next questions you asked, that is you - feeling tired and weak, as what you're living through is overwhelming, and that is only normal. If that time comes you'll know when it is OK to respond, to be friends. You know this is not that time, otherwise you wouldn't be asking these questions. Also, you know there is no real answer to them. It might happen in some point of your lives, or never. I guess that depends on many factors, but if it has to be said in one sentence, it would be: when the circumstances are such that he can not hurt you any more.
By saying all this I don't want to be judgmental, only I can see your hurt, and I wanted to remind you that you're doing well, and that you already know all you need to know, you said it all yourself in your post, it is just that sometimes life gets a bit too overwhelming and it is hard to see things clearly.
One step at the time, you're going in the right direction.
HUGS
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 141
Julia -
Only you can make these types of decisions, none of us here can tell you what to do. Going to the mountains for a week brought you some peace, how can you recreate that same sense of peace and confidence? This needs to be something fostered within yourself.
We can tell you "do this, do that" all we want, but nothing can substitute inner reflection. The answer is already there, you just have to find it.
Panther
Only you can make these types of decisions, none of us here can tell you what to do. Going to the mountains for a week brought you some peace, how can you recreate that same sense of peace and confidence? This needs to be something fostered within yourself.
We can tell you "do this, do that" all we want, but nothing can substitute inner reflection. The answer is already there, you just have to find it.
Panther
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Sounds like a great trip to the mountains - good for you for going and enjoying yourself!
This is a process for you, too. How do you feel about "going down that road again", as you said in your post above. Would you be willing to be in a position to go down that road again, if you contacted him and tried to be friends? And do you feel confident enough to not allow yourself to go down that road again if faced with it?
There's a saying here - Let Go or Be Dragged - the letting go is the really hard part! But I don't know anyone yet who happily decided to be dragged!
This is a process for you, too. How do you feel about "going down that road again", as you said in your post above. Would you be willing to be in a position to go down that road again, if you contacted him and tried to be friends? And do you feel confident enough to not allow yourself to go down that road again if faced with it?
There's a saying here - Let Go or Be Dragged - the letting go is the really hard part! But I don't know anyone yet who happily decided to be dragged!
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Lillamy, thank you for this.
I have been working to that conclusion myself but this says it so much better. After a couple of times back together to do stuff, I realized that I was uncomfortable being around her, she is very good at being subtle and playing the guilt game and I caught her at it several times. The last ended with a really long discussion on this will end in divorce, I feel sorry for you but I don't love you any more and you don't have anything that I want, there is no more us.
Latter that day she leave's a voice mail saying she's sorry I'm so full of anger at her. At least now I recognize the passive aggressive bs.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that I have choices in this and they are the only ones that count.
Your friend,
When you say that you still miss him, what I hear is "she's still susceptible to his manipulation" and that is not a risk I would be willing to take.
Latter that day she leave's a voice mail saying she's sorry I'm so full of anger at her. At least now I recognize the passive aggressive bs.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that I have choices in this and they are the only ones that count.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 14
Well I am def. not ready u were all right
I mentioned the infamous text that came yesterday after a month of silence. I deleted it, put it out of my mind and felt good about it. We both have a lot of personal belongings at one anothers house and he did mention swapping stuff. I see his mother at church on Sundays so rather then having to see him I figured I would give his things to her. I spoke to her she said that would be fine. Honestly I do not care much about what he has of mine. Stuff is stuff. But I do not want to see him that is for sure. Anyway I made the mistake of replying to his text. I made a point of not refering to any of the Im sorry or I made a mistakes this and that. I simply said I will give your things to your mother on Sunday. Period. He responded okay thats fine. Now I am dissapointed. Even though I thought I was doing everything right. I still showed him that I would give him the time of day. As I said before I am not really mad at him anymore. I do not want to be with him. So I thought I could handle it, but the mere fact that Im sitting here typing this message shows you, you are all right. He responded nicely no added comments just ok thats fine and it upset me LOL... no its not fine, its not fine it just isnt. So I learned another lesson, even though I care for him. Even though I didnt want to ignore him. Even though hes done that to me for the past 2 years. It is what needs to happen. So I have blocked his # from my phone..I have no excuses now. Life moves forward. that is just a little road block and Im jumping right over it..
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You sound good, you sound strong, and you sound like you know what you want. All those are good things.
And I like this:
I know that I sort of sabotaged myself by thinking I needed to see him in order to X, Y, or Z. When really, I think part of me wanted to see him because I worried about him. And then when I "had to" see him and did, I always wondered WTF I was thinking...
And I like this:
I see his mother at church on Sundays so rather then having to see him I figured I would give his things to her.
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