Criticism
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 8
Criticism
Hi all,
I am fairly new to this board but have gained a lot of help and insight from reading your posts. I am a child of an A as well as a partner of one. My partner was sober when we met, remained sober for several years and only within the last two years has experienced a series of extended slips. I had fooled myself into believing we were in a permanently sober relationship and neither of us did much to insure we remained that way.
When the slips started, I reverted to some behaviors I apparently had developed/learned as a child. Not monitoring myself as I now know I should have, these behaviors and attitudes grew to the point that I finally ran to my first Alanon meeting only two weeks ago.
At one of the first meetings I attended, the topic was criticism and it was perfect for me. I am realizing that I do WHATEVER I can to deflect all criticism. I see it as an attack on myself, and an unwarranted one at that. "How can you say that about me after ALL I do for you???" What I am realizing is that criticism might just be a good thing if I look for the parts that are constructive advice. Sure is hard for me and that is the reason for my post.
How do you out there develop the ability to promptly look for the positive in criticism? I need ways to make that my first step rather than doing it only in hindsight. I need to get back to the positive, happy person I once was because the person I currently am is full of rage, accusations, martyrdom, and a downright nasty person to be around. Thanks for being there. TJ
I am fairly new to this board but have gained a lot of help and insight from reading your posts. I am a child of an A as well as a partner of one. My partner was sober when we met, remained sober for several years and only within the last two years has experienced a series of extended slips. I had fooled myself into believing we were in a permanently sober relationship and neither of us did much to insure we remained that way.
When the slips started, I reverted to some behaviors I apparently had developed/learned as a child. Not monitoring myself as I now know I should have, these behaviors and attitudes grew to the point that I finally ran to my first Alanon meeting only two weeks ago.
At one of the first meetings I attended, the topic was criticism and it was perfect for me. I am realizing that I do WHATEVER I can to deflect all criticism. I see it as an attack on myself, and an unwarranted one at that. "How can you say that about me after ALL I do for you???" What I am realizing is that criticism might just be a good thing if I look for the parts that are constructive advice. Sure is hard for me and that is the reason for my post.
How do you out there develop the ability to promptly look for the positive in criticism? I need ways to make that my first step rather than doing it only in hindsight. I need to get back to the positive, happy person I once was because the person I currently am is full of rage, accusations, martyrdom, and a downright nasty person to be around. Thanks for being there. TJ
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hello TJ.
Hmmm. Sometimes what makes criticism acceptable or something that puts up your defenses depends on how it's presented. I'm trying hard to imagine looking for the positive in a critical statement that is delivered in a hostile tone. Sorry. I can't do it. Walking away is the only civil thing I can manage under those circumstances.
Maybe you could start with a smaller goal. Expecting yourself to process any and all criticism on the spot is pretty big. I used "I'll think about that" for awhile. I decided that if I felt cornered or defensive, there was probably no reason I needed to explain or justify or defend right at that moment. I'd just grit my teeth and say "I'll think about that"... and then I would. What I found is that some things don't matter (fine... I'll buy yellow mustard instead of brown.)... some things I have good reasons for (but I'm buying the store brand yellow mustard because it cost's 50 cents less) and some things are nobodys business but mine (You don't even eat mustard!).
Now I have a question. Are you letting the notion that the other person thinks you are not perfect panic you? I did. I thought if I had flaws, no one would want me around. And I could carry the idea that I preferred the wrong fast food seafood restaurant into manifestation as a "flaw". Comments on such things felt threatening. How much of my constant flubs would people put up with? And it was no instant thing with me to realize that I was "putting up with" plenty of preferential differences and it not only didn't bother me, I tried to adapt to it. I did not pull up to a halt one day and say "Who cares, I'm me... like it or lump it." But that is what grew out of stopping and questioning why I felt so scared when anyone criticized me.
Hugs!
Smoke
Hmmm. Sometimes what makes criticism acceptable or something that puts up your defenses depends on how it's presented. I'm trying hard to imagine looking for the positive in a critical statement that is delivered in a hostile tone. Sorry. I can't do it. Walking away is the only civil thing I can manage under those circumstances.
Maybe you could start with a smaller goal. Expecting yourself to process any and all criticism on the spot is pretty big. I used "I'll think about that" for awhile. I decided that if I felt cornered or defensive, there was probably no reason I needed to explain or justify or defend right at that moment. I'd just grit my teeth and say "I'll think about that"... and then I would. What I found is that some things don't matter (fine... I'll buy yellow mustard instead of brown.)... some things I have good reasons for (but I'm buying the store brand yellow mustard because it cost's 50 cents less) and some things are nobodys business but mine (You don't even eat mustard!).
Now I have a question. Are you letting the notion that the other person thinks you are not perfect panic you? I did. I thought if I had flaws, no one would want me around. And I could carry the idea that I preferred the wrong fast food seafood restaurant into manifestation as a "flaw". Comments on such things felt threatening. How much of my constant flubs would people put up with? And it was no instant thing with me to realize that I was "putting up with" plenty of preferential differences and it not only didn't bother me, I tried to adapt to it. I did not pull up to a halt one day and say "Who cares, I'm me... like it or lump it." But that is what grew out of stopping and questioning why I felt so scared when anyone criticized me.
Hugs!
Smoke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 8
Hi Smoke,
You make some good points. I agree there are many times when I see no personal value in the criticism being delivered. If I hear the words "you should..." or "you shouldn't..." my brain immediately turns on my verbal response of "but you always..." or "but you never...." and spews that back to te other person. I have discovered that I am so obsessed with protecting myself that I don't even stop to consider that there might be a valid point that came after the "you should...". Do you know what I mean? Granted, not all criticism has value to me and I am great at dismissing that. But I sure cold use the constructive parts if I would only get over the self-preservation reactionary mode stuff I have been doing for decades. I have tons to learn and many things to repair within myself. Thanks for your feedback. TJ
You make some good points. I agree there are many times when I see no personal value in the criticism being delivered. If I hear the words "you should..." or "you shouldn't..." my brain immediately turns on my verbal response of "but you always..." or "but you never...." and spews that back to te other person. I have discovered that I am so obsessed with protecting myself that I don't even stop to consider that there might be a valid point that came after the "you should...". Do you know what I mean? Granted, not all criticism has value to me and I am great at dismissing that. But I sure cold use the constructive parts if I would only get over the self-preservation reactionary mode stuff I have been doing for decades. I have tons to learn and many things to repair within myself. Thanks for your feedback. TJ
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
TJ
I have found that the alcoholics in my life (my mother and Spicoli) are not good lessons in criticism. They hate to accept criticism, but are all too free to hand it out. When Spicoli was drinking, nothing he did was wrong, but everything I did was. Luckily, I knew better than that. Now that Spicoli is in recovery, that part of him has taken a hike. And I don't miss it one little bit. He actually says nice things about me now, imagine that.
My mother is a different story. She is still abusing tranquilzers and far from healthy. And it's a good day for her if she can make all her problems the result of what someone else did. God forbid she should take a look at the train wreck that her life is and do something about it.
I don't pay much attention to the criticism of others anymore. I am responsible for taking my own inventory and fixing what isn't right. And there is still plenty to fix. But I live by my own standards, not the standards of others. Especially not the standards of the alcoholic others in my life.
Peace,
Gabe
My mother is a different story. She is still abusing tranquilzers and far from healthy. And it's a good day for her if she can make all her problems the result of what someone else did. God forbid she should take a look at the train wreck that her life is and do something about it.
I don't pay much attention to the criticism of others anymore. I am responsible for taking my own inventory and fixing what isn't right. And there is still plenty to fix. But I live by my own standards, not the standards of others. Especially not the standards of the alcoholic others in my life.
Peace,
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
Smoke has a lot of good points. I used to think I had to agree with eveyone so they would like me. NEVER rock the boat. I would do anything to avoid an argument. Even tho I didnt show it critisism would wound me to the quick. Emotion is a sign of weakness in my family.
This didnt happen overnight, Im almost 54.
I finally figured it out. Theres nothing wrong with me the way I am. Just because I dont have the same quirks as you doesnt mean Im defective.
When someone criticises you dont automaticly assume theyre right. They could be, but who gets to decide whats right. As far as Im concerned thats just their opinion. I listen to everyones opinion. But make up my own mind. Thats why I never argue about it. Its not their choice to make.
Another thing Ive learned in my old age is to put stuff into perspective. In the scheme of things just how important is mustard anyway. Will it bring World Peace.
Even if I dont agree I still listen. I say you have a valid point or thats an interesting concept. All points ARE valid. And maybe it is important to them. Listening isnt going to kill me. You dont have to challenge every statement. Save that for the important stuff. Its not necessary to get your knickers in a twist over every little thing.
Also I try to look behind the scenes. Could be it has nothing to do with me or the subject at hand. Are they having a bad day. Are they just critical in general.
For example Elvis is very closed minded. He sees no view but his own. I dont argue with him. Its a waste of my time. If he has a valid point I take it into consideration. Otherwise I just listen, nod and go about my business. LOL.
This didnt happen overnight, Im almost 54.
I finally figured it out. Theres nothing wrong with me the way I am. Just because I dont have the same quirks as you doesnt mean Im defective.
When someone criticises you dont automaticly assume theyre right. They could be, but who gets to decide whats right. As far as Im concerned thats just their opinion. I listen to everyones opinion. But make up my own mind. Thats why I never argue about it. Its not their choice to make.
Another thing Ive learned in my old age is to put stuff into perspective. In the scheme of things just how important is mustard anyway. Will it bring World Peace.
Even if I dont agree I still listen. I say you have a valid point or thats an interesting concept. All points ARE valid. And maybe it is important to them. Listening isnt going to kill me. You dont have to challenge every statement. Save that for the important stuff. Its not necessary to get your knickers in a twist over every little thing.
Also I try to look behind the scenes. Could be it has nothing to do with me or the subject at hand. Are they having a bad day. Are they just critical in general.
For example Elvis is very closed minded. He sees no view but his own. I dont argue with him. Its a waste of my time. If he has a valid point I take it into consideration. Otherwise I just listen, nod and go about my business. LOL.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 8
Cecilia, I think you have hit it right on target when you said one doesn't have to challenge every point but can just listen. I think perhaps that's where I should put my energy - to listen to the "advice", take it away with me and process it in my own time and my own way. My habit has been to immediately rebuke the comment, criticism, advice (pick a noun) and that turns the situation into an angry confrontation from which I leave crushed, humiliated and feeling worthless. And believe me when I say I am famous for rocking the boat in all areas of my life. Buoyancy is challenged daily around me. 
And I know, Gabe, that Alcoholics have their own issues and may see things through their "drunken filters". But I am on a mission to find the good in all G-d presents to me and I am convinced I can only do so if I stay with it long enough to pick out the good parts. I am determined to do what I can to find the lesson in each situation and leave the rest. Thanks for all of your advice. TJ
And I know, Gabe, that Alcoholics have their own issues and may see things through their "drunken filters". But I am on a mission to find the good in all G-d presents to me and I am convinced I can only do so if I stay with it long enough to pick out the good parts. I am determined to do what I can to find the lesson in each situation and leave the rest. Thanks for all of your advice. TJ
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 91
I felt defensive until I finally developed a strong sense that I'm loveable just as I am.......by my higher power and by real people. I have a sense of being worthwhile. Criticism, then, is usually about some behavior I exhibited that hurt someone. I can listen now because I also know I intuitively know when I do owe amends......and when I could improve......versus when someone is just having a bad day and I'm handy for scapegoating.
I was taught....listen respectfully to what the alcoholic has to say. Remember, you get to decide what's legitimate and what's not.
Today I do try to listen and recognize that constructive criticism is simply an opportunity for me to grow......if I'm ready.
I was taught....listen respectfully to what the alcoholic has to say. Remember, you get to decide what's legitimate and what's not.
Today I do try to listen and recognize that constructive criticism is simply an opportunity for me to grow......if I'm ready.
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