HowdoIparent

Hello everyone.

Although our son has been abusing alcohol and MJ for 10 years, I only very recently came to a conclusion "He is an alcoholic and addict". I know, I know, why did it take ten years to realize this?? I dont know. I knew he had troubles, drank too much, etc, but finally just recently I had my eyes opened to his behavior and realized "That is addict/alcoholic behavior".

Now that I know he is an alcoholic, I need to learn how to relate to him with this insight in mind. We have been "helping" him for the last 10 years financially and have decided to stop giving him money. Are we doing the right thing?

HowdoIparent

He is 28 years old

Cyranoak

...and I'd extend it to this. Any time you bail him out of the consequences of his actions and decisions, any time you do anything for him that any reasonable able-bodied person can do, and any time you don't give him the diginity of making adult decisions you are contributing to his disease.

We say here that you didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it, but you can contribute to it. The goal is to not contribute.

I say this as somebody who took about as long as you to start changing my part of the addictions. I gave money and provided a warm, safe place to land when she was drunk or stoned. I'm guessing I extended her period of using by 5 to 8 years because of my behaviors-- maybe longer because she never suffered real consequences from her behaviors.

Don't feel bad about the past, but now that you are learning more keep making changes. To help you even more I highly recommend Alanon if you want to speed up your process of recovery.

Take care,

Cyranoak

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand!

I recommend reading some of the permanent posts (called stickies) at the top of the forum. This is one of my favorite and it helped me when I realized my loved one was addicted to alcohol:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

HowdoIparent

Appreciate what you said. In the last 24 hours I have read "Addictive Thinking" by Twerski. ( As a health care professional I have some experience with this, but looking at it from a personal point of view now). the book is good, but does not give much advice to a parent of an alcoholic. We havent had the chance to explain to our son why we are no longer going to help him financially. Should we tell him? Should we say "you are an alcoholic"? We were planning on telling him that he is perfectly capable of supporting himself and we no longer feel comfortable giving him our money when he spends it on weed and beer. Would that be appropriate to say?

StarCat

We have another saying here, "No is a complete sentence."
You don't have to tell him anything you don't want to tell him. You have every right to simply state your boundary (in this case, not giving him money) without any explanation whatsoever.

That said, give him the answer that you are most comfortable providing, with no expectations as to his response to what you are saying. If you are hoping that not providing him money will be the catalyst for him to get help, you are likely to be disappointed. If you are explaining your boundary firmly but kindly because that's the way you can stick to that boundary with a clear conscience, then you're doing the right thing.
When it comes to what we do and say when addicts are involved, our MOTIVES are EVERYTHING.


An example of something I did, to help better explain:
When I broke up with XABF (alcoholic ex-boyfriend) and changed the locks to not allow him into my apartment, there were quite a few of his personal belongings left behind. I had a few options on what to do with them.

I decided that anything that would encourage him to attempt to continue the relationship was staying with me, and I'd sort through it later to decide what I wanted to keep and what was to be trashed or donated. The things that were clearly his were to be returned to him, as well as the majority of expensive antique decorations he had hung on my walls. (They were valuable, and I didn't feel comfortable keeping them). The everyday things like simple pictures I didn't want anymore or the back of disposable razors in my closet would be dealt with later, because sending back little things like that seemed more vindictive than I wanted to be.

In order to get them to XABF's house, I also considered a lot of options. I didn't want him in the apartment again, so having him pick them up himself was out of the question. I felt it would be mean to put all his things outside for him to pick up, not to mention I didn't really want him even near my apartment again. I considered dropping them off at his car at work, but that felt too public, not to mention I'd have to pull in someone else to help with that (since I didn't trust him - he was also abusive) and it didn't feel right going that route. I also didn't feel safe delivering them to his mother's house by myself.
In the end, I decided to pack everything up carefully myself, and then hire a moving van to take it there. I told the driver that I wasn't going to be on the receiving end, and that if delivery was refused he had my permission to continue onward and donate everything, and to send the "donation receipt" to XABF for his tax return (since it was his things). I sent a polite email to XABF stating these facts, and gave the driver and extra tip because he was being very accommodating (and even let me pay in advance).

Some people may say the moving van was "enabling" since everything was essentially delivered to the house for him, but I put a lot of thought into that decision. He had bad lungs, and his mother is rather elderly, so having someone else do the lifting seemed appropriate. He was abusive (and actually started stalking me later), so hiring someone to deliver them meant that I didn't have to be physically involved after everything got on the truck, and XABF had no cause to resent the "middle man" since the mover was simply doing what he was paid to do.

Basically, it delivered the message that "I'm done" without adding on an "and I hate your guts," and it made me feel good because I made my decisions with dignity and respect for both myself and him. It also made it easier to stick to my decision and my boundaries, because I knew I communicated them in a clear and yet still kind manner.

Cyranoak

...I don't know enough to really say, but another thing I learned was to be honest even when it hurt me or her. I was tired of lying to protect her and her feelings.

Labeling, in general, is something I try not to do even when I believe it. When I confronted my wife (finally) I simply told her that I could not live with her, and supporting her, because I believed she was an alcoholic and her drinking and pot smoking were a problem for me.

I divorced her and moved, and we didn't reconnect until over two years later. Fast forward a few more years and, while things are not easy, she is on a sustained period of sobriety, in AA and in counseling.

If you were to tell you son you loved him but would no longer be supporting him, I don't think that would be out of line (my two cents). Just be sure that you don't establish any boundaries that you are not willing and able to enforce, and remember that boundaries are for you not him.

Take care,

Cyranoak

P.s. Try Codependant No More by Melody Beatty.