married10

I haven't posted in a bit since I filed for divorce from my AH. I think at times I am handling things okay and then others are like AAAAGGHHHH!!!!....

We are still currently living together, he will not move out and since my home business (well as stated home business) is there, I won't either, and just told him that is fine, we will just let the courts decide whom or what shall be done with the house.

We actually get along great which is the sad part of all this, but I am just done and don't want to try anymore. His thing is his and no matter all the attempts to show me he has changed, it just hasn't for me. I feel heartless at times but I just know in a few months or years he will be right back at it. I haven't seen that change in him and I am done wanting it for him. Much less I am not the same person either.

Today woke up feeling good, in a great mood and there he is all like bummed out/moody. Asked what was wrong, just said he was thinking. Okay great! but I hate moodiness, (i know I get that way too!) but I am the type of person who takes on other peoples woos and hurts, even if it don't have to do with me. Makes me feel like crap, or great now what did I do type of thing.

I so wish at times he just would move out and make it easier, I wish at times I just could move out too.(but just can't happen, can't take my kitchen with me)

One thing I keep putting off discussing is the divorce with him. There are times like, okay tonight I will talk to him about it and what needs to be done with what. He doesn't like talking about it, I think he feels as if it will go away. All I want to know right now is, what stuff does he want. Material items you know, so I can start planning on what I may or maynot need to purchase. I asked him once, but he didn't answer me. I feel like we can work this stuff our between us and not have to have a lawyer say you get the knives and he gets the towels type of thing...

I guess just needed to vent a little, haven't been talking to anyone about the divorce and all...

THansk!

Leaping

I did not think I needed a lawyer either but divorce can bring out the worst in people and when you add alcohol to the mix, rut roh!

Sorry you are going through all this. KNow you are not alone and this too shall pass -

GettingBy

Hi Married10!

I'm right there with you! Divorced process started, have my own business run from the house so I can't leave, AH won't leave the house... house is for sale. Trying to cohabitate/coparent.. in a word... sucks.

What's helping me is My Plan. Working on My Plan towards my new life. For me, to get out of this house - I needed to feel more financially stable, needed health insurance, and eliminate the isolation of working alone... so Step 1 - Get a Job! So, I called around lined up some interviews - getting some job offers in now! Whoo-hoo - progress!

The next step is working out interim housing - I have an eye on a house that I'd love to rent. Not sure when it will be available and we are discussing rent. It may or may not work - but at least I'm working towards something. And then after that - it's a co-parenting plan (good god that should be fun, not).

As for divorcing a passive-agressive alcoholic - there is no way to describe it other that difficult. I get an email a week from my AH about how he "just needs this thing to move along!!" Yet, it's taken him 5 months to complete his statement of net worth!! I inventoried the entire house - all we have to do is negotiate values of assets... then with the Statements of Net Worth - boom - we divvying **** up and move on!! Easy right?! Ah no. He keeps talking about all these "angles" I'm working!! WHAT? Yes, I'm being accused of "railroading" him because I inventoried the house - right down the pictures, forks, and plungers!! No matter what I say or do - he is going to feel like he's getting "screwed" - so, I accept it. That's part of his disease.

It still sucks though - because the co-dependent in me hates when others are upset (especially when they are upset with me!). But, I've learned to sit with that discomfort because no matter what I do - he's still going to hate me/be mad at me. I could bend over backwards and give him everything in the house - and I'd still be "the evil bitch."

So again.. what helps me is moving forward with My Plan. One step at a time I'm walking away from the life I don't want - towards the life I do!! Keep the focus on you - and one day at a time - it will get better!

Thanks,
Shannon

married10

Thanks GettingBy! I know our stories are so similar! You know its like we try for so long and for so much, and when we finally say NO. They think they can waive there fingers and all will be well. I just wish I had it in me to confront him on the arrangements of our divorce. I hate confrontation, I am no good at it. I just shut down when he starts on his rant of lets make this work type of thing and then when that doesn't work he goes to mean things of all the things I've done (in his eyes) that were wrong.

We still haven't told the kids, which that part has been waying very heavily on me, and I do know deep down they will be okay, I just wish he would come around to telling them in a mutual way. Not blaming one or the other.

I just need to once again put my big girl pants on and bit the bullet and tell him we need to either discuss the material items or have our lawyer bills pile up to separte everything.

Thanks all so much for listening!