Feeling sad and missing her....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Shatoosh))) - I came here with the same questions, even though I came here as an RA, I found my "home" in the F&F and finally realized I really was a codie.
I'm not saying you are. I'm just saying that since I've been working on my codie recovery, I realize I had a part in the dysfunctional relationships.
Did your leaving make her hit bottom? Maybe. Does that mean you can be together, again, as a couple? Maybe, maybe not. I know, now, after 4-1/2 years in recovery that the men I was drawn to, were guys who I thought needed me. I can also say, it took a long time for me to figure that out.
I'm not saying that's what is going on with you. I just know that since I've gotten into recovery, I don't WANT anyone who has addiction issues, I don't WANT to fix anyone. I want someone who contributes to my life, not someone I'm all wrapped up in what they're doing, are they working their recovery, etc.
I got to this point, kicking and screaming the whole way. It's the people here, like (((LTD))), (((Anvilhead))), (((Suki))) and so many others who asked questions that literally made me cringe, angered me. Why? because they were things I wasn't ready to face. I was furious that they didn't stop doing what they were doing, after "all I'd DONE!!!"
Over 4-1/2 years into recovery, I can see my part in my dysfunctional relationships (I had 3 XABFs) and it really, really hurt for a while. I was so focused on them, what they were doing, I lost me.
Personally, I don't agree with comparing addiction to a fatal disease. My mom, my uncle, my 43-year-old cousin didn't have a choice for recovery. I came really, really close to death more than a few times in my using, but I still had a choice and it took everyone I love letting me hit bottom, letting me live my life as I chose, to make that choice.
It's taken me a long time to get past the "why's" and "what if's" and it's only because people here were honest enough to ask the hard questions. Yes, the comforting and compassionate people helped, too, but honestly? If ((Anvilhead)), ((LTD)), ((Suki)) and a host of others hadn't asked questions that stung like he!! at first? I don't know that I'd be at the point where I'm okay with what IS.
That's why SR works, at least for me. There is tremendous support, and there are people who KNOW, without one doubt, what we're going through.
It's normal (or at least I think it is for us) to wonder why? Why didn't they get into recovery when we were with them; to wonder "what if"...what if I've lost my soulmate. The best we can offer is our own ES&H. I see no reason for apologies.
Things can get a bit touchy, but the majority of people here truly do understand and are asking questions, or offering suggestions that worked for them.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm not saying you are. I'm just saying that since I've been working on my codie recovery, I realize I had a part in the dysfunctional relationships.
Did your leaving make her hit bottom? Maybe. Does that mean you can be together, again, as a couple? Maybe, maybe not. I know, now, after 4-1/2 years in recovery that the men I was drawn to, were guys who I thought needed me. I can also say, it took a long time for me to figure that out.
I'm not saying that's what is going on with you. I just know that since I've gotten into recovery, I don't WANT anyone who has addiction issues, I don't WANT to fix anyone. I want someone who contributes to my life, not someone I'm all wrapped up in what they're doing, are they working their recovery, etc.
I got to this point, kicking and screaming the whole way. It's the people here, like (((LTD))), (((Anvilhead))), (((Suki))) and so many others who asked questions that literally made me cringe, angered me. Why? because they were things I wasn't ready to face. I was furious that they didn't stop doing what they were doing, after "all I'd DONE!!!"
Over 4-1/2 years into recovery, I can see my part in my dysfunctional relationships (I had 3 XABFs) and it really, really hurt for a while. I was so focused on them, what they were doing, I lost me.
Personally, I don't agree with comparing addiction to a fatal disease. My mom, my uncle, my 43-year-old cousin didn't have a choice for recovery. I came really, really close to death more than a few times in my using, but I still had a choice and it took everyone I love letting me hit bottom, letting me live my life as I chose, to make that choice.
It's taken me a long time to get past the "why's" and "what if's" and it's only because people here were honest enough to ask the hard questions. Yes, the comforting and compassionate people helped, too, but honestly? If ((Anvilhead)), ((LTD)), ((Suki)) and a host of others hadn't asked questions that stung like he!! at first? I don't know that I'd be at the point where I'm okay with what IS.
That's why SR works, at least for me. There is tremendous support, and there are people who KNOW, without one doubt, what we're going through.
It's normal (or at least I think it is for us) to wonder why? Why didn't they get into recovery when we were with them; to wonder "what if"...what if I've lost my soulmate. The best we can offer is our own ES&H. I see no reason for apologies.
Things can get a bit touchy, but the majority of people here truly do understand and are asking questions, or offering suggestions that worked for them.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 141
Anvil -
I just find it discomforting that people find some remarks to be ok when talking about alcoholism, but would not say such remarks in other cases. Maybe I haven't been desensitized enough.
Jose2 -
I understand your perspective, and it is certainly valid. However, I think in most cases it is safe to assume that when someone says they love someone, they mean it. You may have opinions against this, which is fine. You can have your opinion. But, from my perspective, I certainly don't like having my love for someone questioned and I see it as being very offensive. There are many others that agree with me.
I have many opinions about many different things - I don't always express them because I know they would hurt the person's feelings. This can't always be avoided however.
Panther
I just find it discomforting that people find some remarks to be ok when talking about alcoholism, but would not say such remarks in other cases. Maybe I haven't been desensitized enough.
Jose2 -
I understand your perspective, and it is certainly valid. However, I think in most cases it is safe to assume that when someone says they love someone, they mean it. You may have opinions against this, which is fine. You can have your opinion. But, from my perspective, I certainly don't like having my love for someone questioned and I see it as being very offensive. There are many others that agree with me.
I have many opinions about many different things - I don't always express them because I know they would hurt the person's feelings. This can't always be avoided however.
Panther
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 141
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
take what you want and leave the rest, panther....you have managed to take this thread about SOMEBODY ELSE'S feelings and experience and make it all about you. nobody questioned anything about what YOU felt. but you sure seem to feel the need to DEFEND this love you so deeply feel. ok we get it......you love, go you.
I defend the newbies, because I don't like to see them attacked. Call it what you will. And for the record I get messages from people THANKING ME for having the balls to stand up and say what I think is right. Not a lot of people have the nerve when the jackals start to gather around.
Panther
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 141
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Nobody questioned anybody's caring or love. A few people shared how they, in their own experience, had confused love with pity. Wonder why this issue upsets you so much Panther?
L
L
Panther
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Okay, can we get back to sharing our ES&H for the (((Shatoosh))? Those of us who have been here for years obviously have a different outlook than those who haven't been here as long.
From what I've seen, no one has said "do this" or "do that", they're just sharing ES&H, and asking questions we asked ourselves.
This site is about sharing, caring and support. (((Shatoosh))) - to reiterate...I've been where you are..spent a few decades there. I read "codependent no more" a gazillion years ago, wore out 2 copies but it still didn't "click". We feel what we feel, and that's okay. What I see is people planting seeds...something that was done for me (before SR was even started, by a dear friend) and I am grateful to her.
It took me FOREVER, it seems, to "get it" but I did. Some choose to stay with their A, some don't. Some of us grieve "what could have been". I just want you to know that we are here for YOU.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
From what I've seen, no one has said "do this" or "do that", they're just sharing ES&H, and asking questions we asked ourselves.
This site is about sharing, caring and support. (((Shatoosh))) - to reiterate...I've been where you are..spent a few decades there. I read "codependent no more" a gazillion years ago, wore out 2 copies but it still didn't "click". We feel what we feel, and that's okay. What I see is people planting seeds...something that was done for me (before SR was even started, by a dear friend) and I am grateful to her.
It took me FOREVER, it seems, to "get it" but I did. Some choose to stay with their A, some don't. Some of us grieve "what could have been". I just want you to know that we are here for YOU.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Shatoosh - I understand so well the agony you are going through. Many years ago I left my AH who I loved dearly. I was the classic enabler. I didn't know about co-dependency back then - would have benefited so much from a forum like this. I still question myself all the time - as Amy said - the "what might have been" thing. It's a complicated matter, and there are no one-size-fits-all answers.
I just wanted to send you some love, and hope that by sharing your feelings, you'll feel some relief from your anxiety. We care about you, and hope you'll keep posting. It helps all of us to talk these things out, so thank you for sharing such personal emotions.
I just wanted to send you some love, and hope that by sharing your feelings, you'll feel some relief from your anxiety. We care about you, and hope you'll keep posting. It helps all of us to talk these things out, so thank you for sharing such personal emotions.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 10,681
Wow! I can't believe that a new poster with only 18 posts would be shown such disrespect by this community.
Please use the PM system available to you to continue your debate and direct your posts to Shatoosh.
Please use the PM system available to you to continue your debate and direct your posts to Shatoosh.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Distance can be a good thing.
Distance from our loved ones who are making some bad personal choices can help us to gain some perspective. I had to distance myself more than once in order to figure out what was HIS stuff to deal with and what was MY stuff to deal with.
Distance from triggers can help us to learn more about our own personal boundaries and our own recovery journey. There are times that I've had to step away from a thread or 2 as it hit too close to home. I had to distance myself in order to work through my own feelings.
This is a wonderful place full of healing, support, experience, strength and hope. Let's keep to those principles. Distance can be a good thing. If you need some, feel free to step away.
Cats
Forum Mod
Distance from our loved ones who are making some bad personal choices can help us to gain some perspective. I had to distance myself more than once in order to figure out what was HIS stuff to deal with and what was MY stuff to deal with.
Distance from triggers can help us to learn more about our own personal boundaries and our own recovery journey. There are times that I've had to step away from a thread or 2 as it hit too close to home. I had to distance myself in order to work through my own feelings.
This is a wonderful place full of healing, support, experience, strength and hope. Let's keep to those principles. Distance can be a good thing. If you need some, feel free to step away.
Cats
Forum Mod
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 23
Thank you for your love and support. SR is a great place. For so long I always bottled things up, I am just now starting to let things out but I have a lot of learning to do. I think it's time for me to contact a therapist to help me work on myself. Al-anon will be next but I need to take one step at a time. One of the things I know I need to work on is the idea that I try to please everyone before myself.
Last night I met with my X's mom and had a great talk. I found out that my X continued to drink when I left. She was a mess and lost a lot of weight. She eventually hit rock bottom and told her mom she was ready for help. She reached out for help before but always ran away when she got scared. I guess she wasn't ready and had to do it on her own terms. She went into detox and then rehab. Since then she is doing great and is staying positive. One of the comments I made to her mom was I just want things to be the way they were. She said things will never be the way they were. She is correct. Things would have to change if we ever worked things out. My X also said the same thing to her mom which makes me feel that she is getting stronger and on the right track.
For the future I will take each day at a time and work on myself. I will use this time to learn about my problems and her disease. I will also take this time to determine what is best for my future. The one thing I don't want to do is try to make it work and we both end up worse off. That wouldn't be fare to either of us. Us not being together might be a blessing in disguise.
Once again, SR member thank you!!!
Last night I met with my X's mom and had a great talk. I found out that my X continued to drink when I left. She was a mess and lost a lot of weight. She eventually hit rock bottom and told her mom she was ready for help. She reached out for help before but always ran away when she got scared. I guess she wasn't ready and had to do it on her own terms. She went into detox and then rehab. Since then she is doing great and is staying positive. One of the comments I made to her mom was I just want things to be the way they were. She said things will never be the way they were. She is correct. Things would have to change if we ever worked things out. My X also said the same thing to her mom which makes me feel that she is getting stronger and on the right track.
For the future I will take each day at a time and work on myself. I will use this time to learn about my problems and her disease. I will also take this time to determine what is best for my future. The one thing I don't want to do is try to make it work and we both end up worse off. That wouldn't be fare to either of us. Us not being together might be a blessing in disguise.
Once again, SR member thank you!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Shatoosh))) - I'm glad you're focusing on you. I think you have a healthy perspective. I've learned that when I work on me, let go of outcomes, I do better. Don't get me wrong, I still find myself having expectations of how "this will happen if I do this", often I don't even realize I'm doing it until I'm angry about something and have to figure out why.
Some of us are still a work in progress (me!) but it's the people here that have helped me to recognize when I'm slipping back into codie-land.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Some of us are still a work in progress (me!) but it's the people here that have helped me to recognize when I'm slipping back into codie-land.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Shatoosh, good post and good steps. I found after separating from my AW I had huge amounts of work to do on me. That was my 1st step on the road to recovery. I want to give one little warning that I have learned through experience. My AW has gone through detox and rehab and is working with some recovery groups (not AA) and all that. She has gotten very good at knowing what to say, unfortunately her actions have not matched her words. I think she may have been drinking or using her current favorite sleeping pills again. Not sure but she sounded that way on the phone. She has also been playing the guilt and martyr cards a lot. As they say actions speak louder than words and my feel is shy is doing this just to get back together with me even though I have told her more that once that won't happen and to get our daughters to let her see the grandchildren. Other than that I don't believe she really gives a rat's rump about any of these programs.
Keep up the good work.
Your friend,
Keep up the good work.
Your friend,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 23
m1k3 - You are right, I can't let my guard down. When we first broke up she said she was in a program and that turned out to be a lie. I truly hope she did hit rock bottom and is now on the correct path. Only time will tell and only she can be honest with herself. Her not being honest during our relationship was a huge issue. I couldn't understand some of her lies; some of them were so stupid and didn't even make sense. It will take a while for that trust to come back. What a crazy disease!!
Maybe prohibition in the 1920's was a good thing..... (I'll save that for a different thread.)
Thank you SR members.
Maybe prohibition in the 1920's was a good thing..... (I'll save that for a different thread.)
Thank you SR members.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
