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I miss him

Old 11-06-2011, 11:01 PM
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Unhappy I miss him

It's been one month since I broke up with my ABF. We were together two years, and he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He is a good man, a kind soul, who never once raised his voice, raised a finger, forced sex, or borrowed a dime from me. But he is an alcoholic and he is very sick. We actually broke up at his urging, though I was the one to do it. I am in the top graduate program in a very competitive field, and though I won't be done for a couple of years, my mind is wandering towards babies and houses. He is a self-described "trainwreck" who drinks 14 beers a day, battles depression and anxiety (which, yes, would get better if he quit drinking). He told me that I am in the prime of my babymaking years, and deserve better than him. He quit for three months, which was definitely when our relationship grew strongest, but then fell right off the wagon and spiralled quickly back to his regular intake.

It breaks my heart to know that he is in such a bad place. I have maintained NC since the breakup, though he did text me once after an earthquake to check on me, and called last weekend to say he missed me, his voice gravelly and sober. Worse, he called four more times that night, his voice smoothed by liquor, asking that I call or text him to tell him not to call me anymore. (Huh?) No response from me.

Because of my busy schedule, I am unable to attend any alanon meetings in my area. I have been seeing a therapist, talking with friends, going out, exercising, etc. But something in my core feels so empty. He is my best friend, and I love him deeply. We had talked many times about wanting to be with each other forever, and his grandmother had given him an engagement ring for me. But in the end, he chose beer over me, which is SUCH a bitter pill to swallow.

Feel so down. Any thoughts/advice/etc much appreciated.
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Old 11-06-2011, 11:16 PM
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I totally understand your feelings as I am in a similiar situation. The thing is, my ex could be verbally abusive at times, or very cynical and sarcastic even on a good day. I have not seen him in months, but have talked to him. I think and pray for him daily as I do for my own strength. I have said a million times, if one of my friends was telling me the story I lived for almost 2 years I would be the first to say to them, "you don't deserve this, you need to move on" but I have a real hard time telling myself that. I have dated or hung out with guy friends that I have known for years who would be really good to me, but I don't feel the same love in my heart as I did for the ex. We were engaged and I, like you, thought I would spend the rest of my life with him. I like alot of things about him, he is organized, low key and pretty laid back, although in reality he is a depressed mess. I actually had the first really long talk with him this morning and refused to talk about us as a couple, his drinking, or anything that could lead to laying blame. He blames everyone else but himself for anything that has happened in his life. I was glad to hear from him and know that he is doing okay and actually has a job interview coming up. He has been without a job for months and not realy concerned about it, so it seemed. We do have to look at ourselves in this too, and know just how much we really can put up with. The only people we can change are ourselves. I have remained strong in the fact that I have not allowed myself to spend anytime time with him in person because I am sure that would be my breaking point. I hope you can set the boundaries that you need to for your own sanity, because being with an alcoholic is like riding an emotional roller coaster. Even when you are not with them, you are thinking and worrying about them. Peace be with you, my friend.
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Old 11-07-2011, 06:04 AM
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Hi corageous

It gets better,
I broke up 3 years ago - XABF is still choosing alcohol over life. Nothing no one can do really. I felt hopeless but time and life has brought me to a better place and more clarity.

I wonder if you think not raising his voice, not forcing sex etc is something special? that is the bare minimum for a person that respects you...

There are more adventures to live, what helped/helps me was/(is!) Zen reading, remembering the temporary nature of everything... sooner or later, you would have to let him go.

I still miss my friend sometimes but it no longer brings me down as it used to, besides I know he is gone. Life has brought many other new friends, who truly care about me and are leading constructive lives... that is the company I truly need...

Hugs, congratulations on your degree!!
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