I'm ridiculous

Old 11-06-2011, 01:02 AM
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I'm ridiculous

This is my first time on this website and after reading through others struggles it has helped me a lot. I live with my partner, with our dog and we have a house together we bought just last year. My partner is what I would classify I highly functioning alcoholic. ( but i do find myself questioning if i am wrong or over reacting ) No one but me would suspect he has a problem with drinking except me. He is a lovely person, he is friendly and outgoing, he is thoughtful, he is my best and closest friend, he is also manages a business and is very successful at it and he treats me well.
Our relationship if fun and full of love... but everything is turned upside down when drinking is involved. The only time we have ever fought (in our four year relationship) is when alcohol is involved. He has all the best intentions when goes out or work dinners or friends places only to have a few drinks but 80% of the time he goes overboard and comes home waisted.*
Last night he drank so much he wet our brand new bed. This is not the first time this has happened more like the 5th or 6th time. I understand that he is young and wants to have fun while we both are, but this isn't normal behavior (to me) but he makes me feels like I'm the only person who thinks this way. He called me ridiculous for not believing and being upset that he actually wanted to drink again the morning after he just wet the bed. He was saying I'm making such a huge deal out of six beers, but I know it doesn't stay at 6 beers...and it didn't.
I don't want to be doing the wrong thing by him because he is a genuinely wonderful person but i don't have anyone i can talk to and this is starting to really effect how I feel and act everyday. I dread coming home on one of his days off because I know the possibility that he will be drunk is so high.
Last year we were fighting because of drinking and things got pretty serious and he went to some AA meetings and also a psychologist but decided he could control the amount he drinks he was having and stopped.
I feel so hurt that he clearly know how devastated I am when he drinks and still decides to anyway, and I also find myself so so angry at him that I want to do something that will make him feel like I do... Make him understand or care how I feel.. I want to pay him back for all the tears i've cried.
*I feel like I've been talking for so long and still have so much to stay but I think I'll leave it there. I just need to vent and tell anyone what's going on because I feel like I have no one. Any *tips or feedback would be so greatly appreciated.*
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Old 11-06-2011, 01:18 AM
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hi Bonnielass and welcome to Sober Recovery.

At the top of the Friends and Families of Alcoholics board, you'll see "Stickies," which give excellent information.

Check out this one, the Al Anon Self Test:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...html#post17267

There's a lot of help here for all of us! That's why so many of us keep coming back.
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Old 11-06-2011, 03:19 AM
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Hi and wellcome!
Glad you found this place as it was a lifesaver for many of us.
We understand your pain.
Stick around and read as much as you can. Post and vent whenever you feel like it.
You have taken the first step. There is no easy fix to your problems, I'm afraid, but here you can find tools for making your life better.
I presonally believe the only way to deal with any problem in life is to educate yourself about it. You're in the right place.
HUGS
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Old 11-06-2011, 04:33 AM
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Welcome,

Read all the stickies at the top of this forum and those posted in the Family & Friends of
Subtance Abusers, they apply as a alcoholic and a drug addict do basically the same things.

If you haven't done so, get to Alanon meetings, it will help you to understand this disease that has no cure. He will be an alcoholic all his life, it is just a matter of being sober or not.

Knowledge is power, keep reading, keep posting, lots of support here.
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Old 11-06-2011, 04:47 AM
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everyone here knows what they are talking about. read and learn as much as you can. I would be in a different place if I did my homework when my AH first started with signs of a problem or in my case entered rehab. I was just so overwhelmed then.
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Old 11-06-2011, 04:54 AM
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I know nothing of your situation, but I will say when I met my husband 13 years ago, he was a lot like the man you describe. Sweet as can be, had lots of friends, had his own successful business. I thought I had landed a big catch! I soon found out that when he drank, it was often too much, but we were in our 20s and had a lot of friends who drank too much so it didn't seem like anything too bad. When he drank too much, he would often just pass out or get really emotional and cry. He wasn't ever mean to me or anything so it seemed okay. Heck, I drank too much sometimes too!

Fast forward 13 years. We just got divorced. He became a totally out of control alcoholic over the past three years and lost his clients, his friends and his family. He has been in and out of detoxes and rehabs numerous times. He was just sober for about 30 days because he was threatened with jail otherwise, but as soon as that court ordered stay in a sober house was over, he was back in a motel drinking. I never ever in a million years thought it would get as bad as it did.

Some people who drink too much stop eventually, some don't. It's hard to tell what will happen with your guy but I will say, it doesn't sound incredibly good. I think if your inner voice is telling you something you might want to listen. I wish I had known better!
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Old 11-06-2011, 04:55 AM
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You are not crazy.

My husband will tell me I'm overreacting when he's had 3 bottles of wine and a 5th of whiskey.

I've had to roll him out of his own vomit.


The next morning... "What's the big deal?" "Why are you acting so crazy".



Trust yourself. You're the sober one.

All the previous posters are right. Stick around and read. Go to AlAnon. You won't regret it.



Best of Luck.
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Old 11-06-2011, 05:14 AM
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I don't want to be doing the wrong thing by him .......this is starting to really effect how I feel and act everyday. I dread coming home on one of his days off because I know the possibility that he will be drunk is so high.

You dread coming home, and yet you don't want to do wrong by him. I repeat, you dread coming home! I would sit in the car on the driveway not wanting to enter the house on his days off, after racing home to check he hadn't burned it down because he was hungry.

I know exactly how you feel and when I complained to my husband he took to hiding the drinking and denying it, which made me feel like not only was I over-reacting but now crazy to think he was drinking.

It's funny how they are acting inappropriately and we worry that we are! That we might hurt their feelings!

You are wise to be here and start reading. Alanon has helped a lot of us figure out how relationships with alcoholics work. It helped me a lot!

Sending you kind thoughts.
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Old 11-06-2011, 06:09 AM
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Hi Bonnie,

There are lots of good things that were said already, and I second them! So I'll just say welcome, and I hope you keep coming here to post and read. You're not alone.

posie
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Old 11-06-2011, 08:45 AM
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The only time we have ever fought (in our four year relationship) is when alcohol is involved. He has all the best intentions when goes out or work dinners or friends places only to have a few drinks but 80% of the time he goes overboard and comes home waisted.*
Last night he drank so much he wet our brand new bed. This is not the first time this has happened more like the 5th or 6th time.


All pretty classic signs of a serious drinking problem - no matter what HE says - you know what is true and many of us hear can describe the same exact behaviors in our As.

And regardless of whether someone is an A or not -a man urinating in my bed is a problem for me!

I feel so hurt that he clearly know how devastated I am when he drinks and still decides to anyway, and I also find myself so so angry at him that I want to do something that will make him feel like I do... Make him understand or care how I feel.. I want to pay him back for all the tears i've cried.

This is all classic feelings for F&F of As. I could never understand how my A father could continue to drink when he knew it hurt us, me, so much. How could he???? Because he was an alcoholic - and NOTHING gets in the way of their drinking. Nothing. So if they have to keep a good job and a steady income to afford alcohol and to maintain the illuson of a "together" life - they will keep a good job and maintain that illusion for as long as they physically can.

Unfortunately - "functional" is only a stage in this progressive disease - and it is a stage that can last a LONG time and endure a lot of denial and arguing and broken promises and heartbreak - but ultimately it will catch up to everyone and functional will not be a possibility anymore.

But enough about them and their problems! Loving an A brings all kinds of trouble into our lives - if we let it! You can choose to detach from what is his problem and choose joy and peace in your life. Some can do this and stay with the A - some cannot. It's your choice. AlAnon helped me with practical tools to sort out my thinking in relation to all the As in my life. Opened the door to freedom and peace of mind for me!


Welcome - glad you're here (((((((hugs))))))).
Peace-
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Old 11-11-2011, 11:33 AM
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hi Bonnielass,

I am new to the site, and your story sounds so similar to mine! from where it began, in a fun way, to now - where you feel you must be crazy. My husband is so good at twisting my words, and making me feel like some kind of neurotic fool who's just looking for something to worry about. He too knows how much he has hurt me, he has seen me cry and yell, i have threatened to leave and i have begged him to get help. Not one thing has made a difference. My arguement is always - if you love me, why would you want to hurt me like this. He can never answer.

Keep strong Bonnie, you are really not alone xxxx
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Old 11-11-2011, 12:07 PM
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Hi Bonnie and welcome. I am sorry you have to be here but you have found a place that can provide a lot of support.

One of the most important things I learned when I started here was the 3 c's.

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

He will get better only when he decides he wants to get better and not one minute before then. Doesn't matter what you do it's all up to him.

However you can start working on yourself and your recovery. My AW's (Alcoholic Wife) alcoholism took a huge toll on me. I finally left 6 months ago. This was after 36 years of marriage. She too was functional for a long time and it was easy to overlook or excuse.

I joined here and Al-Anon not long after I left and it has made a huge difference in me. I was full of anger and rage and self loathing and so much other emotional baggage. Now I feel good about myself and my life again. I have a life that is worth living and I am happy and content. Feelings I didn't think I would ever feel again.

So, please give AlAnon a try. It is well worth it.

Your friend,
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Old 11-11-2011, 02:47 PM
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Hi Bonnie, and if nothing else know this. By any standard your husband is an alcoholic. Period. What to do about it, if you're going to live with it, how you are going to live with it, those are the questions.

Being here is a good start, and the other posters have shared some great information. Alanon is a great place for you to learn more about how to better answer the questions for yourself.

Take care, be patient with yourself, and keep an open mind about what you read here and also Alanon meetings. But, as I said before, your husband is an alcohlic. Not might be, but is.

Sorry.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak
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