Songtx

So, I've posted here a few times re: my husband's drinking. Is it bad that he drinks a 6 pack every day? Mind you, the 6 pack is typically a pale ale, so it's stronger than average, or he'll have a 6 pack of tall boys, equivalent to 8 regular beers (I think). Anyway, I just get so annoyed. I feel like he doesn't know what it's like to be sober. The only times I know him to not drink is after a big bender, or when he can't. The times that he can't (like we are out somewhere they don't serve alcohol), I just feel like all he wants to do is get to somewhere that he can have a beer, since he typically cracks a beer as soon as he can. So tonight, like many other nights, he has nearly finished his 6 pack and is on the phone and to me he just sounds like a drunk. Maybe I'm overreacting. When he finishes the last beer, as always he will either go to bed, or get more beer. (Like, if he can't keep drinking, he's rather not even stay awake), ugh. By the way, on the occasion that he is with other people who drink he will drink much much more, even if the people drinking with him only have a few. So, is a 6 pack not a big deal??

lillamy

In my mind, the amount of alcohol consumed doesn't determine whether it's a big deal or not.

It's a big deal to you and it affects your life in a way that, judging from what you're saying, I would describe as "negative" -- and because of that, I say it's a problem. How much he drinks is his problem. Whether you put up with it or not is yours.

Here's what I mean: What amount would make you convinced that he has a problem? Ten beers? Fourteen? A bottle of vodka a night?

I think that you know that there's a problem, but I think that he's making you doubt your own perception. Trust yourself here. If his drinking is affecting your life, you have a right to protect yourself from that situation.

sesh

Hi Songtx, when I read your post I thought to myself: begining of the dance. That sick dance many of us have danced with our A's over the years. It can be described like this: what I see and feel is distrubing and painful and I don't want it in my life, I want normal life so to accomodate for it it is easier to question myself and think maybe what I'm seeing is not true and maybe it is just me, and maybe it is not big of a deal.
I wish years ago when I was at the exact place you're at now I had enough strenght? sense? wisdom? - or whatever to say it is big of a deal for me! I didn't. For me things got, I believe, as bad as they possibly could.
It is very hard to give advice, as we all learn best from our own experiences, but if there is a one thing I'd like to say to you it would be: every new step you take down that road of denying yourself of your true self equals hundreds of steps on the way back.
I don't know if any of this makes any sense to you. I hope it does.
HUGS

kiki5711

Perfectly said!!!! It starts slowly and then all you can think about is that next drink, where, and how you'll get it.

dollydo

This is a progressive disease, left untreated, he will get worse.

If it were me, I'd get myself to some Alanon meetings and read Codepenedent No More.

Take care of you,

velma929

Years ago, I remember someone saying, "If drinking is causing a problem, you are a problem drinker."

At the time, one young man in our social circle was living in a room at a boarding house, couldn't hold a job, borrowed money every week from his bowling buddies, and the girl dating him was threatening to leave if he didn't cut down on his drinking. His buddies thought if it was "only beer" he couldn't be an alcoholic.

A few years later: different friends, surprised that the man they worked with transferred to the 'detox' wing of the hospital. Years of taking aspirin for his stomach pain and washing it down with with a six pack of beer each night had probably contributed to that bleeding ulcer. They were all so surprised that beer was something you had to 'detox' from. (Sorry about the syntax, English majors)

Sadly, my husband went from one six pack a night to two. Sometimes he drank vodka instead. I would concur that the more troubling aspects of his behavior are that he seems like he can't wait to crack a beer when arriving home, and being disinterested in even staying awake if he doesn't have anything to drink.

My husband died from lung cancer last year. I loved him. But I had come to realize that no matter how much I loved him it wasn't going to make a difference in how much he drank. The very night he told me he had cancer was the day I had secured a third part time job to finance my departure from our home.

Here is what tipped the scales toward that action: A college chum left her second husband a few years ago. I didn't know her well, or know much about her situation.

When I asked a mutual friend why this happened, she told me "Lucy's husband is mentally ill. She understood it wasn't his fault that he had depression. But she eventually got tired of the fact that he refused to do anything about it."

m1k3

I know this really hard but I am going to second Dolly's advice for going to Alanono and reading codependent no more.

Only you can decide what is acceptable for you.

Your friend,

posiesperson

Hi Songtx,

I'll never forget the day that my exA held up a bottle of some hard liquor (maybe whiskey? dunno...), swaying and giggling, expressing how much progress this was, to have consumed "only" 1/3 of the flask-shaped bottle and said, "See? I didn't drink that much!" And that wasn't even the insane part. The insane part was that I stayed, catering to the "pride" and "progress" that had been made in drinking "only" that much.

YUCK.

Of course, that didn't last long. Within a very short time I was angry, resentful, and lecturing on the impacts of alcohol. All empty words, of course, my ex was passing out and crying about how a little bit of alcohol doesn't hurt anyone, that it was my problem for having a problem with it. And I questioned myself...MORE insanity.

Terrible, terrible disease, this is. I like what Velma said, if it's a problem for you to live with that, then it's a problem. You have choices about what to do about taking care of you since you have no control over what he does. I'm sorry you're going through this, but happy to see you here.

posie