lillamy

One of my children, I realized last night, triggers my codie behaviors, because she acts in the same way AXH does (minus the being drunk part):

~ She’s constantly seeking attention and can never get enough – except if we’re home just the two of us, then she’s perfectly content sitting in her room alone.

~ She “tests” my love for her by requesting outrageous things. Like asking me to go pick up a certain kind of food in the middle of a blizzard; or like asking me to buy her an iPhone (when we’re on a food budget of under $100/week for three people). When I don’t comply, her response is “You don’t love me, you don’t care about me.” If I do comply, with smaller things, half the time, she no longer wants what she was DYING for me to get her. (It’s not about WHAT it is, it’s about seeing whether I’m willing to comply.)

~ She throws temper tantrums and is insulting and rude and mean, and if called on her behavior, she will immediately resort to victim position.
I could go on and on and on.

So I’m making the same post I always make, again: “Just when I thought I had this recovery thing pretty well nailed, I find out I need to go back to the books and meetings again.”

Someone posted today or yesterday that the recovery skills are good for all relationships – that realizing that you can’t control the non-alcoholics in your life either makes life easier as well. And that is so true. It’s just remarkably difficult for me to apply the same attitude to my child that I’ve successfully applied to AXH.

Which also made my heart ache for those whose alcoholics are their children.

Cyranoak

Lillamy you've got my daughter. Give her back. No, wait... Nevermind.

Take care,

Cyranoak

P.s. Something that helps me and which I try to deploy at all times is ACE. Don't give Advice, don't Criticize, and don't Explain. Simple to say for me, hard to do for me, but it seems to work fairly well when I stick to it.

dollydo

That's because of the old gene thing, does impact a child.

You are becoming an expert at this recovery thing!

lillamy

Wanna trade?

suki44883

Oh hon, I went through that. It started when she was 11 and lasted until she was nearly 19 years old. I don't know how old your daughter is, but I do feel for you. Mine was finally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. They talk to you like you are either the greatest thing since indoor plumbing, or you are the spawn of Satan. It is a miserable way to live. Have you considered having her tested by a psychologist? It's so hard to know what is just normal teenage angst and when there might be something more going on. Not saying anything in particular, only that, it wasn't just normal teenage angst that my daughter was going through.

Hang in there. I know what you are dealing with and how it makes you feel.

cdbf7891

This is one of the things that actually motivated myself and my MIL to start looking for help with my H. I'm horrified at the thought of all of my hard work at parenting being wasted because my children will start learning bad behaviors from an alcoholic.

lillamy

Well, the first psychologist I took her to, she wouldn't even talk to. She was lying on the floor like a three-year-old throwing a tantrum (she was 11). But the current one we're seeing is leaning towards PTSD, and is saying that the less time she spends with her father, the better. I've seen an improvement in her behavior (oh GOD that's a hard sentence to type out, given the behavior I've witnessed in the past few days) over the past six months, but she's still definitely a challenge.

The other important thing for me to remember though is that the other child is NOT like AXH. She's the consummate codependent. And it's just as important to not forget HER struggle just because she's compliant and does exactly what she thinks people expect of her...

wanttobehealthy

Are your children competing for attention? I dont mean that in the sense you aren't giving them attn... Just wondering if your troubled child feels
like that's her "role" & your other child feels the need to do the opposite?

My sister & I were a lot like this & it was bc our mom (she's not an A but behaves like a dry drunk) pitted us against each other... Does your ex pit the kids against each other? All that anger is alarming & has to be painful for all of you to live with... I'm sorry...

lillamy

To the point where BOTH of them say "it's clear that Dad loves Younger Child much more than he loves Older Child" -- so I think that's a good point; Older Child is trying to get all the attention from me that she doesn't get from her father. And Younger Child can relax at my house because she doesn't need to take care of an adult. But she's frightfully compliant. To the point where if my new man takes her out on the town, she will insist that she wants to go to the car dealership because she knows he loves cars...

And Anvil, I think a lot of it is normal teenage behavior. Especially the "You've ruined my life" and the "I hate everything" part. I even remember doing that... And I also think you're right on the money with your advice. I know that I've "compensated" for her father treating her like his emotional garbage can by "overloving" her instead of always being clear and consistent with my boundaries.

wanttobehealthy

[QUOTE=lillamy;3159515]To the point where BOTH of them say "it's clear that Dad loves Younger Child much more than he loves Older Child" -- so I think that's a good point; Older Child is trying to get all the attention from me that she doesn't get from her father. And Younger Child can relax at my house because she doesn't need to take care of an adult. But she's frightfully compliant. To the point where if my new man takes her out on the town, she will insist that she wants to go to the car dealership because she knows he loves cars...

Oh oh oh... I feel terribly for your kids and I dread this same behavior (already I see it happening) with AH and my D's. He is completely disinterested and all but ignores and shows HUGE irritation with D3. D6 is his "pet" and frankly it's a little creepy. D3 has HUGE behavior issues and I can't help but attribute some of it to attention seeking. It's far better when she is alone with me or when D6 hasnt been with AH for a while (D6 is a sweetheart but AH makes her feel entitled to control all attention and allows her to treat D3 meanly at times and it carries over to my house when they have been with him....)...

I wish I had a solution/suggestion... It's painful to know that a parent is splitting their kids and it has a profound effect on them both I am sure. My sister and I sound identical to your kids... Both of us hurt a great deal as kids and resented each other for being what the other was... The fact that your kids have you, a healthy parent, is a good thing. I had 2 ill parents so it took me well into adulthood to realize something was not right. Maybe family therapy would be a good thing? (for you and the kids-- not AH).

skippernlilg

In our situation, it's nurture vs. nature. My son acts more like my RABF than he does his bio-nonA-cogenetic contributor.

My son learned some behaviors that are difficult to overcome sometimes, but we work together One Day at a Time.

NYCDoglvr

I hadn't heard this before and I thank you for posting it. Excellent advice!

lillamy

[QUOTE]Don't give Advice, don't Criticize, and don't Explain. [/QUOTE
It's the Explain part I have problems with... haha, go figure. Again. It's like I want her to agree that what I'm deciding is the right thing to do. Just like I wasted time trying to explain to AXH that I was right. *banging head against keyboard and laughing at myself*

wavygreensea

My children are 8 and 2, both boys and I can see this same exact thing in each of them. The older is always trying to get my attention and throws hellacious fits and my younger is the nail biting, nervous, much more compliant one. I am currently separated from their father, my AH and the oldest is seeing a child psychologist. I also highly suspect my oldest has ADD. I love the "Don't give Advice, don't Criticize, and don't Explain." Makes lots of sense but I can see how it is hard.