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Old 11-03-2011, 07:23 PM
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AW Update

It's been a while since I have been on here. I finally have some good news about my AW though. She has been a closet binge drinker for years. I finally had enough and started divorce procedings when she went on her last binge. She wound up in the mental health unit at a local hospitol where they diagnosed her with bipolar and anxiety. I didn't care though I was finished, but since we had a daughter getting married soon I planned to wait till after the wedding. As much as I didn't want to, I started noticing a major change in her behavior. Finally I decided to give her one last chance. I am happy to report that she is faithfully taking her meds and attending her support group. She has not taken a drink in over 3 months. She claims to have been self medicating by drinking. I have no idea if thats true or if she can stay sober long term but I am giving her the chance to save our marriage. If she drinks again though it's over. She knows I mean it and I think it scares her to death. If thats what it took to motivate her I only wish I had done it years ago. Sometimes the A's do get it and turn their life around. Hopefully before it's too late. Now it's just one day at a time as she tries to rebuild my trust in her.
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Old 11-03-2011, 07:28 PM
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Thanks for the update, hayfmr. I hope she continues on the road of sobriety and that you two can rebuild your marriage. I wish you both every happiness.
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Old 11-04-2011, 04:01 AM
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Hi Hayfmr,

Welcome back.

I am in similar circumstances.

I left my AH of 23yrs about 5 months ago. I still loved him but had learnt through therapy, Al-anon and SR that I was important, I had to love myself more and although my AH wanted to live his life drinking, I didn't have to live that way. I was done and went no contact.

He is now 3 months sober (13wks) and is on anti anxiety medication through his doctor. He regularly sees a therapist and is a completely different person to be around - very consistent, very calm. We cant be sure whether its the anti anxiety medication or the 'not drinking' that has improved his 'personality' (for a better word) but what matters is that he feels better about himself, his recovery, his life and I feel the benefits of that.

I believe that their 'consequences' have to hit them where it hurts for them to want to get better for themselves. I know that it doesn't work for all alcoholics but mine was definitely effected by my leaving and the prospect of not having me in his life.

Its early days and its a time will tell situation. I am just taking things one day at a time, still taking care of me and enjoying the amazing peace and calm that my life and current situation affords me.
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Old 11-04-2011, 07:48 AM
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Welcome Back.

She claims to have been self medicating by drinking. I have no idea if thats true or if she can stay sober long term but I am giving her the chance to save our marriage.
I can tell you it sure was true for me. I 'self medicated' for over 24 years. And ........................ was pretty miserable my first 9 years of recovery, .............. UNTIL I was finally diagnosed ................... Bi Polar .............................. once my Psych Dr found the right combo of medication (different meds work differently on each person) I became a new person and have been great for over 20+ years now. I rarely 'cycle' and when I do I am aware of it and have been given 'tools' (yep just like I got 'tools' from AA) to literally stop the 'cycling.'

So .................. saying a prayer for your AW that this also works for her.

Many A's are chronically depressed, bipolar, or a combination of both. Alcoholism can and does 'mimic' other 'mental issues a lot. The Psych Dr's and scientists are just not ready to come out and say whether it was the 'mental issues' that ALWAYS cause the alcoholism or the alcoholism causes the mental issues. And most will not evaluate and/or diagnose until the toxins (alcohol and/or drugs) are out of the system.

I told you a bit of my story in the hopes that it will give you some 'Hope'.

So sending good thoughts and prayers.

Please don't be a stranger.

Love and hugs,
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Old 11-04-2011, 10:59 AM
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Praying that your marriage will be one the success stories on SR.
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Old 11-04-2011, 01:16 PM
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Needed a good story today! My AH has been "sober" for 11 months but did not keep recovering. I am getting a seperate maintenance in MI which is pretty much a divorce but we stay married by paper. I need to get the custody and house issues taken care of. But, I am so hoping he will keep going to AA, taking his meds. and working on being happy this time. We might have a future. I am taking care of myself first this time.
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Old 11-04-2011, 01:36 PM
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Like everything else, it's best to take it one day at a time. Good luck!
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Old 11-04-2011, 02:50 PM
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I'm happy to hear this. Just one thing though, please consider practicing in your head what you are going to do and say if she relapses. While, for the most part, I've blundered through all of this for the last ten years, one of the few things I did right after wife got sober was to do that (because I ended up needing it six months later and was properly prepared for once).

Good luck my friend!

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Old 11-05-2011, 05:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
Just one thing though, please consider practicing in your head what you are going to do and say if she relapses.
Cyranoak
I think about this one a lot! Any ES&H to offer Cyranoak?
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Old 11-05-2011, 01:49 PM
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Most of all I had to decide..

...if I was going to call it the last straw and end it, or accept that it happened, wait it out, and see how she responded to the relapse. I had decided, in advance, to do the latter and for once in my life I stuck with the plan.

She was horrified by her relapse, and somewhat traumatized too. I think she thought she had it "won." Now she says she realizes the game will never be over and AA is a permanent part of her life. That was over six months ago, it hasn't happened again, and she seems to be doing great.

What will I do if she relapses again? The same thing. What if relapses become more frequent? I'll find out if it occurs. So far so good.

All of that said it remains one day at a time.

Take care,

Cyranoak

Originally Posted by Eight Ball View Post
I think about this one a lot! Any ES&H to offer Cyranoak?
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Old 11-09-2011, 09:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
I'm happy to hear this. Just one thing though, please consider practicing in your head what you are going to do and say if she relapses. While, for the most part, I've blundered through all of this for the last ten years, one of the few things I did right after wife got sober was to do that (because I ended up needing it six months later and was properly prepared for once).

Good luck my friend!

Cyranoak
I have been thinking about this for a long time. If she returns to heavy drinking it's over. No questions asked. I have even kept the lawyer on retainer. Just in case. If it's a one time slip up it's going to be a lot harder. I suppose a slip up could be expected but it will make it awfully hard to rebuild the trust. My attitude over the last year has really changed. She is going to do what she chooses and I can't make her change.
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