New here...
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Indianapolis
Posts: 9
New here...
Hi,
I'm John. I'm new here. I joined this forum to help me better understand my relationship with my now ex-girlfriend. We recently broke up. We dated for about 3 years. This past June she checked herself into to a rehab clinic to address her drinking problem. Since then I have been extremely distant. It seems to me that although I am very happy about her taking positive steps in her life since then, I bear an enormous amount of resentment for the way she treated me and acted during our relationship. I pushed her away, to the point where she felt unwanted and undesirable. I cheated on her a few times. I haven't realized up this point that almost everything I was feeling, resentment, the overwhelming stress as well as being emotional overwhelmed, was eating away at me. I'm a grad student, and often used that as an excuse to be away from her. I would often hold onto anger over the things she did, and couldn't understand how to let it go. Mostly because it seemed, I knew something would happen again. I knew that I loved her and cared for her immensely. But I often found it hard to say the words "I love you" And would often ignore her. I know this may be a long introduction, but I hope some of you can share your thoughts as I would like to opportunity to be open to hearing as well as sharing them.
Thanks,
John
I'm John. I'm new here. I joined this forum to help me better understand my relationship with my now ex-girlfriend. We recently broke up. We dated for about 3 years. This past June she checked herself into to a rehab clinic to address her drinking problem. Since then I have been extremely distant. It seems to me that although I am very happy about her taking positive steps in her life since then, I bear an enormous amount of resentment for the way she treated me and acted during our relationship. I pushed her away, to the point where she felt unwanted and undesirable. I cheated on her a few times. I haven't realized up this point that almost everything I was feeling, resentment, the overwhelming stress as well as being emotional overwhelmed, was eating away at me. I'm a grad student, and often used that as an excuse to be away from her. I would often hold onto anger over the things she did, and couldn't understand how to let it go. Mostly because it seemed, I knew something would happen again. I knew that I loved her and cared for her immensely. But I often found it hard to say the words "I love you" And would often ignore her. I know this may be a long introduction, but I hope some of you can share your thoughts as I would like to opportunity to be open to hearing as well as sharing them.
Thanks,
John
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thanks for taking the time to introduce yourself. I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as needed.
I recommend reading some of the permanent posts (called stickies) at the top of the forum. They are filled with wisdom and some of our stories. You may see yourself in some of the same situations.
I hope you continue to self examine. It is a growth opportunity to look at our own behaviors and find ways to improve our responses to life.
Wishing you a peaceful journey!
Thanks for taking the time to introduce yourself. I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as needed.
I recommend reading some of the permanent posts (called stickies) at the top of the forum. They are filled with wisdom and some of our stories. You may see yourself in some of the same situations.
I hope you continue to self examine. It is a growth opportunity to look at our own behaviors and find ways to improve our responses to life.
Wishing you a peaceful journey!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Welcome John, glad you found us, this is a great place to work through the anger and resentment, the folks here have really been helpful and supportive to me.
One of the great things here is the ability to rant and/or vent, just getting it off your chest can make such a difference, when I first came her several months ago I was feeling a tremendous amount of anger, resentment, and even hate at my mother (an alcoholic for over 40 years) for destroying her health and her relationships with family and friends.
I learned it's ok to own those feelings, it allowed me to forgive her and release myself from the guilt I was feeling.
Hope this site helps you as much as it does me, best of luck to you.
Bill
One of the great things here is the ability to rant and/or vent, just getting it off your chest can make such a difference, when I first came her several months ago I was feeling a tremendous amount of anger, resentment, and even hate at my mother (an alcoholic for over 40 years) for destroying her health and her relationships with family and friends.
I learned it's ok to own those feelings, it allowed me to forgive her and release myself from the guilt I was feeling.
Hope this site helps you as much as it does me, best of luck to you.
Bill
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Indianapolis
Posts: 9
Thank you all for your responses. I am finally beginning to understand some of the feelings I have held on to.
@jds I share your irritation with the notion that for the recovering person, it seems that their slate is somehow instantly wiped clean, while mine is still completely full of anger and resentment. It also irritates me that although I feel like I was acting to protect myself, it's been misconstrued and used partly as one of the reasons that drove her to drink more. I have been accused of being too critical of her behavior. Even though it was affecting my life in many ways. My only thoughts on her behavior were that she could make better use of her time. I was publicly embarrassed many times at my job (I work in a bar), which many times provided an opportunity to see me, but also a place for her to start drinking each night. This was usually the setting for many of her episodes. At times, she was there before I was, going as far as being there all day. This became extremely difficult as I am usually very busy at work. She would sometimes see my lack of attention to her as a sign of my lack of interest in her. Which would lead to more drinking. I would often suggest that she do something more constructive with her time, which had mixed results. In the end, I found that she came out of rehab with some sense of what she had done. She apologized for many of her actions and indicated a desire to continue our relationship. At this point, I just knew that I needed time. I was a mess when she was in rehab. I was worried, stressed, lonely, and ultimately exhausted. Some of these feelings continue to be with me today, four months later.
@jds I share your irritation with the notion that for the recovering person, it seems that their slate is somehow instantly wiped clean, while mine is still completely full of anger and resentment. It also irritates me that although I feel like I was acting to protect myself, it's been misconstrued and used partly as one of the reasons that drove her to drink more. I have been accused of being too critical of her behavior. Even though it was affecting my life in many ways. My only thoughts on her behavior were that she could make better use of her time. I was publicly embarrassed many times at my job (I work in a bar), which many times provided an opportunity to see me, but also a place for her to start drinking each night. This was usually the setting for many of her episodes. At times, she was there before I was, going as far as being there all day. This became extremely difficult as I am usually very busy at work. She would sometimes see my lack of attention to her as a sign of my lack of interest in her. Which would lead to more drinking. I would often suggest that she do something more constructive with her time, which had mixed results. In the end, I found that she came out of rehab with some sense of what she had done. She apologized for many of her actions and indicated a desire to continue our relationship. At this point, I just knew that I needed time. I was a mess when she was in rehab. I was worried, stressed, lonely, and ultimately exhausted. Some of these feelings continue to be with me today, four months later.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
DG, any excuse to drink is good enough for an alcoholic. My thought is that we shouldn't be made to bear responsibility for being the catalyst for an alcoholic's drinking habits. If it wasn't you and how mean and not-understanding you are, it would be someone else or something else that provided the excuse to drink.
The resentment is something I am really struggling with today. Other friends and family members will tell you not to hold on to your resentment, but my struggle is that these things I am scared, nervous, or angry about are rooted in real danger, loss, and embarrassment. Like jds, my marriage is in limbo, and I'm not sure I like Mr. Florence any better sober than I liked Mr. Florence drunk, which is to say, not much. I will say that if I weren't married to Mr. F and have children with him, I would have left him a long time ago and wouldn't have looked back.
In my experience, it's best to cut ties and perhaps get some therapy to see what it is about me that I am so attracted -- physically AND emotionally -- to broken people. It's what I would do if I could act on my hindsight.
The resentment is something I am really struggling with today. Other friends and family members will tell you not to hold on to your resentment, but my struggle is that these things I am scared, nervous, or angry about are rooted in real danger, loss, and embarrassment. Like jds, my marriage is in limbo, and I'm not sure I like Mr. Florence any better sober than I liked Mr. Florence drunk, which is to say, not much. I will say that if I weren't married to Mr. F and have children with him, I would have left him a long time ago and wouldn't have looked back.
In my experience, it's best to cut ties and perhaps get some therapy to see what it is about me that I am so attracted -- physically AND emotionally -- to broken people. It's what I would do if I could act on my hindsight.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 23
I'm not married or have no children with my recovering XAGF and I can't say good bye. I'm 32 years old and have a chance to start over but my heart doesn't want to start over. I hate holding onto to the dream of happiness with her. It's so hard to give up on someone you love.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Indianapolis
Posts: 9
Shatoosh, thank you for your post. I feel the exact same way. The problem on my end was discovering that I do still feel this way. In being shut off, I didn't stop to think about how I really felt. I just carried on because I had so much to do all of the time. I knew I was mad and resentful, but I recently realized, that I wasn't ready for it to end. Now that she actually seems to care more about what happens to her on a regular basis, I remember what it was I liked about her in the first place.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 23
DailyGrinder, our stories are very similar. That was my problem too, feeling that I still love her. At first when we broke up she was still drinking and lied about it. So for the first couple of months I moved on and figured she didn't want to stop drinking. Now she seems to be doing good and saying all the right things (for example: she is getting sober for herself, not for anyone else). It's hard for me to look the other way but I need to make sure I keep my shield up and try to understand my emotions. I guess I need to give the whole situation time so we can both heal ourselves. Easier said then done.
I also have resentment towards myself because I know I could have handle things different but then again if I wasn't put into certain situations most of my reactions would have never happen. Before I met her I didn't even know I could yell and get so upset. I guess I couldn't understand why she was throwing away something she told me she loved so much.
I also have resentment towards myself because I know I could have handle things different but then again if I wasn't put into certain situations most of my reactions would have never happen. Before I met her I didn't even know I could yell and get so upset. I guess I couldn't understand why she was throwing away something she told me she loved so much.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Indianapolis
Posts: 9
Easier said than done indeed. I feel a lot of shame for the things I did. How mad I got. I never knew that I could blow up and lose it that way. When my anger would reach it highest point, my respect for her and myself would be totally lost. At times I look back and just can't believe that I did those things.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Over the summer after she came out of rehab she started to work on herself. And in my own struggle I missed many signs of her trying to reach out, to me, to anyone. She was struggling and I couldn't help her. I hate that I did that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
You know, your story makes me think of one Byron Katie tells. She says a woman can be raped once, then she proceeds to replay that rape countless times in her head.
The first abusive situation was created by the rapist.
The rest are by the woman, herself.
One of the biggest things that has helped me is accepting reality.
It wasn't right, it wasn't fair, it wasn't what I wanted, I couldn't believe my ah's behavior...on an on...and that made me so upset.
I stewed and stewed about it. I worried over it, was angry, felt confused, tried to understand it...on and on.
What there was to do was accept that my husband DID act that way and I DID set myself up by overlooking the red flags.
Just accept. Accept that it is all true.
Doesn't mean you like it or approve or want to do that next time, at all. Just that it is so.
Hugs and good luck.
fp
The first abusive situation was created by the rapist.
The rest are by the woman, herself.
One of the biggest things that has helped me is accepting reality.
It wasn't right, it wasn't fair, it wasn't what I wanted, I couldn't believe my ah's behavior...on an on...and that made me so upset.
I stewed and stewed about it. I worried over it, was angry, felt confused, tried to understand it...on and on.
What there was to do was accept that my husband DID act that way and I DID set myself up by overlooking the red flags.
Just accept. Accept that it is all true.
Doesn't mean you like it or approve or want to do that next time, at all. Just that it is so.
Hugs and good luck.
fp
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