Still married to Ex-A who cheated
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
Still married to Ex-A who cheated
Been a while since I posted. Thank you to everyone who gave me emotional support when my wife was still an alcoholic.
Short update/info: She's been sober since Sept 2009. Tried to kill herself on Labor Day after I told her the night before we were done. Found out in April 2009 she had a 6 month affair with my best friend.
We separated after her suicide until Jan 2010 then I took her back. I thought long and hard about it and realized I do love her and the sober her was something I longed for and hoped would stay around. It has so far.
By summer 2010 I began to realize the pain from the affair was still eating at me and talked to my counselor about it. Without having to worry about her drinking I was finally able to feel the pain her affair caused me. She and I talked about it and the lack of disrespect it showed me and our marriage. I told her I can't pass a white sedan (his type of car) without thinking about him. He still lives in the same town, so I see him off and on. Just a lot of reminders of the affair that I can't seem to shake.
Needless to say it's impacted our sex life. I just don't feel like having it with her any more. There was love making before I found out and now it's just sex and I can't get it out of my head that she did that to me.
I guess my question to those out there that may be in similar situations is: Were you able to move past the affair?
I told her once the affair was very insulting. Having one is one thing. Having one with my best friend is another. We saw his family weekly. Camped with them (she slept with him once in a side tent while his wife and I were asleep). Our daughters were best friends. We did everything with them. The affair with him insulted me in so many ways.
She said it was the alcohol and it was never love of him or thinking of leaving me for him. I told her I don't buy it. Every time she had sex with him she was sober, minus the camping trip. She said even sober the alcoholism controlled her life. I just can't accept that and I wonder if it will eventually be the end of our marriage.
We just had our 18th anniversary and I find, for me, the marriage is not the same as it was before. I do love her but I wonder if I can live with someone I don't trust and maybe never will trust again.
Talking to a counselor has done no good. No advice to let it go. No advice to find a way to move on. Time will heal the wound and I will think less about it. The problem is, with so many reminders of it, I can't escape the injury she did to me and our marriage.
Anyway, I found it theraputic to open up here and decided I needed to get it out. Talking to her and the counselor don't ease the mental anguish I have.
Short update/info: She's been sober since Sept 2009. Tried to kill herself on Labor Day after I told her the night before we were done. Found out in April 2009 she had a 6 month affair with my best friend.
We separated after her suicide until Jan 2010 then I took her back. I thought long and hard about it and realized I do love her and the sober her was something I longed for and hoped would stay around. It has so far.
By summer 2010 I began to realize the pain from the affair was still eating at me and talked to my counselor about it. Without having to worry about her drinking I was finally able to feel the pain her affair caused me. She and I talked about it and the lack of disrespect it showed me and our marriage. I told her I can't pass a white sedan (his type of car) without thinking about him. He still lives in the same town, so I see him off and on. Just a lot of reminders of the affair that I can't seem to shake.
Needless to say it's impacted our sex life. I just don't feel like having it with her any more. There was love making before I found out and now it's just sex and I can't get it out of my head that she did that to me.
I guess my question to those out there that may be in similar situations is: Were you able to move past the affair?
I told her once the affair was very insulting. Having one is one thing. Having one with my best friend is another. We saw his family weekly. Camped with them (she slept with him once in a side tent while his wife and I were asleep). Our daughters were best friends. We did everything with them. The affair with him insulted me in so many ways.
She said it was the alcohol and it was never love of him or thinking of leaving me for him. I told her I don't buy it. Every time she had sex with him she was sober, minus the camping trip. She said even sober the alcoholism controlled her life. I just can't accept that and I wonder if it will eventually be the end of our marriage.
We just had our 18th anniversary and I find, for me, the marriage is not the same as it was before. I do love her but I wonder if I can live with someone I don't trust and maybe never will trust again.
Talking to a counselor has done no good. No advice to let it go. No advice to find a way to move on. Time will heal the wound and I will think less about it. The problem is, with so many reminders of it, I can't escape the injury she did to me and our marriage.
Anyway, I found it theraputic to open up here and decided I needed to get it out. Talking to her and the counselor don't ease the mental anguish I have.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I understand what you are going through because I went through it myself, many years ago. I know that many couples are able to make it past an affair and rebuild their marriage. I wasn't able to do it, though. Even though I forgave him, I just could never trust him again. I don't believe you can have a healthy relationship without trust. It permiates every corner of the relationship.
I hope someone can come along with a better experience. I know you are in a really tough place right now.
I hope someone can come along with a better experience. I know you are in a really tough place right now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 111
Like Suki, I could not have a healthy realtionship without trust. My AH was involved in a sextexting relationship with someone he met in rehab. He denied a physical relationship, but because he lies so much I dont know that I believe him and it didnt matter to me because there was no trust or respect. Some can move past cheating but it is a double whammy to also have to deal with an alcoholic.
I dont think alcohol makes a spouse cheat. Just my .02. I am sorry you are going through this.
I dont think alcohol makes a spouse cheat. Just my .02. I am sorry you are going through this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
First and foremost I am sorry for your pain.
Secondly, I can actually believe what she is saying about how even sober, alcohol(ism) controlled her life. My stbxAH wasn't often drunk, but his alcoholism permeated his sober life. Lies lies and more lies, excuses, rationalizations, justifications, more lies, anger, resentment etc... All of this occured sober. So, I can absolutely believe that her stinkin thinkin (not that it is an excuse in ANY way whatsoever) whether sober or drunk led her to convince herself having that affair was okay...
Secondly, I can actually believe what she is saying about how even sober, alcohol(ism) controlled her life. My stbxAH wasn't often drunk, but his alcoholism permeated his sober life. Lies lies and more lies, excuses, rationalizations, justifications, more lies, anger, resentment etc... All of this occured sober. So, I can absolutely believe that her stinkin thinkin (not that it is an excuse in ANY way whatsoever) whether sober or drunk led her to convince herself having that affair was okay...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
She told me once that the alcoholism was her high. During the day she had rules in place where she wouldn't drink (wish she had those for around our family and in her life). One day he started the flirty emails. Then they got stronger. Then the invite to meet him at work where they had their first encounter. It continued from there a few times a month.
She said the affair was her rush she missed while sober. The excitement of being caught outweighed the damage she was doing to our relationship. She said in a way she often wished I would find out so I would end our relationship. I refused to give up on her when she was drinking. I always believed in her, when she never believed in herself.
She didn't think she deserved me with her drinking and the affair was just another thing to prove she didn't deserve a healthy life or marriage.
I don't know. In a way I get it but it doesn't lessen the pain she caused me with it. I told her once that my mother did that to my father and when she and I met I told myself there was one person who would never do that to me, like my mother did that to my father. In the end she proved me wrong, she did it and I just don't know what to believe. Do I really love her or is it the kids and the stable family I want for them? Am i willing to sacrifice my happiness for the kids sake? yes, in a way. I know that was part of the equation for my taking her back. yet, after 18 years of marriage, I still care deeply about her. Love? I think that's what I feel but is it that comfort you get from being around someone that long combined with the fear of being single that keeps me in this marriage?
I know I need to give this time. Two years sober is not healed. It's a start and hopefully she can stay sober. In my heart I know I don't have the strength to see her fail and try to recover again. I guess I'll confront that if/when it happens. For now, I try to learn to trust again and hope it can come to pass.
She said the affair was her rush she missed while sober. The excitement of being caught outweighed the damage she was doing to our relationship. She said in a way she often wished I would find out so I would end our relationship. I refused to give up on her when she was drinking. I always believed in her, when she never believed in herself.
She didn't think she deserved me with her drinking and the affair was just another thing to prove she didn't deserve a healthy life or marriage.
I don't know. In a way I get it but it doesn't lessen the pain she caused me with it. I told her once that my mother did that to my father and when she and I met I told myself there was one person who would never do that to me, like my mother did that to my father. In the end she proved me wrong, she did it and I just don't know what to believe. Do I really love her or is it the kids and the stable family I want for them? Am i willing to sacrifice my happiness for the kids sake? yes, in a way. I know that was part of the equation for my taking her back. yet, after 18 years of marriage, I still care deeply about her. Love? I think that's what I feel but is it that comfort you get from being around someone that long combined with the fear of being single that keeps me in this marriage?
I know I need to give this time. Two years sober is not healed. It's a start and hopefully she can stay sober. In my heart I know I don't have the strength to see her fail and try to recover again. I guess I'll confront that if/when it happens. For now, I try to learn to trust again and hope it can come to pass.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Zak,
Man I wish you the best, I can understand your wifes issues with feelings of not deserving you I was a victim of physical, verbal, and sexual abuse, even after treatment for depression and therapy I still have days where I don't feel like I deserve my wife and kids.
I have to tell you about my family, my mom has been an alcoholic for over 40 years, my parents were married 58 years in August. My mom cheated first, then my dad cheated on her for revenge, eventually mom started drinking until she passed out every single night.
I honestly believe my mom never loved my dad, she married him for his stability and paycheck, he has given her almost his whole life, she has repaid him by being a self-absorbed, bitter, mean and nasty person.
My dad has stayed because he is afraid she will drink herself to death at an even more rapid rate if he is not there to put on the brakes, she only drinks 3 bottles of wine a day if he is around, when he is gone she drinks 6 bottles a day.
I wish with all my heart that he had left her when all this started, he had a chance for a great life but put it aside for her. I would much rather have been the child of divorced parents than parents who never got along.
Please think about this before you decide to stay married for the sake of your kids, they may feel very different than you do.
Take care,
Bill
Man I wish you the best, I can understand your wifes issues with feelings of not deserving you I was a victim of physical, verbal, and sexual abuse, even after treatment for depression and therapy I still have days where I don't feel like I deserve my wife and kids.
I have to tell you about my family, my mom has been an alcoholic for over 40 years, my parents were married 58 years in August. My mom cheated first, then my dad cheated on her for revenge, eventually mom started drinking until she passed out every single night.
I honestly believe my mom never loved my dad, she married him for his stability and paycheck, he has given her almost his whole life, she has repaid him by being a self-absorbed, bitter, mean and nasty person.
My dad has stayed because he is afraid she will drink herself to death at an even more rapid rate if he is not there to put on the brakes, she only drinks 3 bottles of wine a day if he is around, when he is gone she drinks 6 bottles a day.
I wish with all my heart that he had left her when all this started, he had a chance for a great life but put it aside for her. I would much rather have been the child of divorced parents than parents who never got along.
Please think about this before you decide to stay married for the sake of your kids, they may feel very different than you do.
Take care,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Zak68-
My husband's affair in early 2010 was what kind of ripped the band-aid of denial about "our" life in general off. Within 24hrs I was FINALLY in the doors of Al-anon though I had had concerns about his drinking for our entire marriage.
Our relationship did not make it, but I have found Al-anon helpful in healing from both the hurt of living with someone that struggles with drinking concerns, but also (especially detachment) from the affair. I also saw a marriage counselor (together with my ex and separately) with the focus being on the affair which helped.
Finally I did A LOT of reading on both topics. A lot of the Al-anon literature had some stories that could have been mine (involving both alcohol and an affair), and a lot of books on affairs discuss how addiction can play a part (not claiming addictions are a causative factor) in affairs.
I have read that 2-5 years is the average time it takes people to heal from affairs.
I will happily send book suggestions if you would like, just send a PM.
My husband's affair in early 2010 was what kind of ripped the band-aid of denial about "our" life in general off. Within 24hrs I was FINALLY in the doors of Al-anon though I had had concerns about his drinking for our entire marriage.
Our relationship did not make it, but I have found Al-anon helpful in healing from both the hurt of living with someone that struggles with drinking concerns, but also (especially detachment) from the affair. I also saw a marriage counselor (together with my ex and separately) with the focus being on the affair which helped.
Finally I did A LOT of reading on both topics. A lot of the Al-anon literature had some stories that could have been mine (involving both alcohol and an affair), and a lot of books on affairs discuss how addiction can play a part (not claiming addictions are a causative factor) in affairs.
I have read that 2-5 years is the average time it takes people to heal from affairs.
I will happily send book suggestions if you would like, just send a PM.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Singapore
Posts: 737
You can look into 'marriagebuilders.com' if you would like some tools and info on recovering from infidelity and some techniques that might save the marriage if you decide to try. I have past experience with the site and Dr. Harley, and if I remember correctly it's based on 12 step programs. The forums there are very informative, and includes many folks dealing with the very issues and questions you are dealing with now.
The program they utilize will require some radical honesty from your spouse, such as an immediate, complete, and full disclosure from her - i.e. her email passwords, phone unlock codes, whereabouts, et all. It requires her volunteering information to you that undoubtedly she will be uncomfortable with. Essentially, in order for you to have trust again down the road, you must be able to verify that she is being honest now and for some time to come. Hence she must be willing to let go of any secrets that might keep you separate from any part of her life.
It's a rather intense process for the cheater, necessary yes, but intense. Some argue it's because folks who cheat use lies and manipulations as standard operating procedure in their daily life. Basically someone capable of being unfaithful is already a potentially dishonest person inherently, with the lies and misdirections creeping up to destructive levels the closer they move towards an affair. For some this behavior is wholly unconscious, as you will find out by reading some of the stories from the betrayers over at that site. For others, the lies become necessary as they talk themselves into believing an affair is optional. Once they can no longer easily lie and once manufacturing 'secret lives' becomes difficult, it's uncomfortable to say the least, and very telling. For you, the betrayed, it's a very eye opening thing to see that side of a person you have come to love. At least that has been my experience.
I can tell you that I've been hurt badly from infidelity rather recently, and I am nowhere near the position of wanting my marriage to work anymore. In fact as soon as it's financially viable I will be filing for divorce. Trust is everything to me, and I simply can't trust my wife anymore. However my marriage dynamics and history are almost certainly different from yours, in which case I can't in good conscience tell you to leave your wife before examining fully what it takes for some to move beyond affair(s) and have a happy marriage again. A site and program like "marriagebuilders" can certainly help you, regardless of how you move forward now. It has helped me for sure.
The program they utilize will require some radical honesty from your spouse, such as an immediate, complete, and full disclosure from her - i.e. her email passwords, phone unlock codes, whereabouts, et all. It requires her volunteering information to you that undoubtedly she will be uncomfortable with. Essentially, in order for you to have trust again down the road, you must be able to verify that she is being honest now and for some time to come. Hence she must be willing to let go of any secrets that might keep you separate from any part of her life.
It's a rather intense process for the cheater, necessary yes, but intense. Some argue it's because folks who cheat use lies and manipulations as standard operating procedure in their daily life. Basically someone capable of being unfaithful is already a potentially dishonest person inherently, with the lies and misdirections creeping up to destructive levels the closer they move towards an affair. For some this behavior is wholly unconscious, as you will find out by reading some of the stories from the betrayers over at that site. For others, the lies become necessary as they talk themselves into believing an affair is optional. Once they can no longer easily lie and once manufacturing 'secret lives' becomes difficult, it's uncomfortable to say the least, and very telling. For you, the betrayed, it's a very eye opening thing to see that side of a person you have come to love. At least that has been my experience.
I can tell you that I've been hurt badly from infidelity rather recently, and I am nowhere near the position of wanting my marriage to work anymore. In fact as soon as it's financially viable I will be filing for divorce. Trust is everything to me, and I simply can't trust my wife anymore. However my marriage dynamics and history are almost certainly different from yours, in which case I can't in good conscience tell you to leave your wife before examining fully what it takes for some to move beyond affair(s) and have a happy marriage again. A site and program like "marriagebuilders" can certainly help you, regardless of how you move forward now. It has helped me for sure.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
Thank you all for the input. I'll check out marriagebuilders and see what it has to offer.
I do have what I think is complete openess from her. I know her passwords. I know it all to check on her. That's how I found out. I found deleted emails in her work email that lead me to the realization she had the affair. I found out 1 mo. after she ended it with him. She told me the guilt was eating her up but she honestly didn't know if she could have ever told me. She said eventually the guilt of it would have led to more serious drinking and maybe having to tell me to get it off her back.
We have a good family dynamic. We have two great children. I talk to them a lot about the effects of alcohol on a family and how lies led to where mom ended up. Our oldest (14) knows of the affair and the suicide attempt. Our youngest (11) knows only of the alcoholism. One day, when he's older, I'll tell him about it all to let it sink in that drinking is not the way to deal with life.
She is trying real hard to be open and honest with me. She tells me she has had her epiphany about drinking and knows she can never go back or it will be the end of her. She says she will never cheat again but I just don't know 100%. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I can't break that thought now, maybe in time.
For now, I am enjoying seeing the woman I fell in love with back in my life. The hard part is knowing that the unquestionable trust I once had in her is broken. I've never had to deal with that before and let someone regain my trust and I don't know what it will take in my mind to trust her again. She tells me the option is always there or me to leave and she won't consest it. She realizes what she put me through and appreciates my giving her a chance. I felt the love we had/have is worth trying to salvage. I guess I just doubt marriage now and what it means. Maybe I need to redefine it to accept what she has done. Maybe I need the clean break to find love again. I honestly wonder if I am cutting myself off from loving someone else like I loved her by trying to make this work. Then again, I can be single and lonely the rest of my life, wondering if I gave up too quick.
Isn't life is lovely and complicated.
I do have what I think is complete openess from her. I know her passwords. I know it all to check on her. That's how I found out. I found deleted emails in her work email that lead me to the realization she had the affair. I found out 1 mo. after she ended it with him. She told me the guilt was eating her up but she honestly didn't know if she could have ever told me. She said eventually the guilt of it would have led to more serious drinking and maybe having to tell me to get it off her back.
We have a good family dynamic. We have two great children. I talk to them a lot about the effects of alcohol on a family and how lies led to where mom ended up. Our oldest (14) knows of the affair and the suicide attempt. Our youngest (11) knows only of the alcoholism. One day, when he's older, I'll tell him about it all to let it sink in that drinking is not the way to deal with life.
She is trying real hard to be open and honest with me. She tells me she has had her epiphany about drinking and knows she can never go back or it will be the end of her. She says she will never cheat again but I just don't know 100%. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I can't break that thought now, maybe in time.
For now, I am enjoying seeing the woman I fell in love with back in my life. The hard part is knowing that the unquestionable trust I once had in her is broken. I've never had to deal with that before and let someone regain my trust and I don't know what it will take in my mind to trust her again. She tells me the option is always there or me to leave and she won't consest it. She realizes what she put me through and appreciates my giving her a chance. I felt the love we had/have is worth trying to salvage. I guess I just doubt marriage now and what it means. Maybe I need to redefine it to accept what she has done. Maybe I need the clean break to find love again. I honestly wonder if I am cutting myself off from loving someone else like I loved her by trying to make this work. Then again, I can be single and lonely the rest of my life, wondering if I gave up too quick.
Isn't life is lovely and complicated.
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
I want to recommend a book by Charlotte Kasl. I am the (R)A in my relationship and although I did not have a physical affair, this book helped me see how sex (love) and addiction had become intertwined for me and then it helped me learn how to heal and start to grow in recovery. I wish every woman in recovery would read it.
Women, Sex, and Addiction
A Search for Love and Power
Women, Sex, and Addiction, A Search for Love and Power shows women how they can learn to experience their sexuality as a source of love and positive power and sex as an expression that honors the soul as well as the body.
"This is one of the most sane, warm, wise books I've ever read... a chance for rebirth." - Gloria Steinem
books
Women, Sex, and Addiction
A Search for Love and Power
Women, Sex, and Addiction, A Search for Love and Power shows women how they can learn to experience their sexuality as a source of love and positive power and sex as an expression that honors the soul as well as the body.
"This is one of the most sane, warm, wise books I've ever read... a chance for rebirth." - Gloria Steinem
books
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
My heart goes out to you ... it's a very tough place to be in. Yes you love her but still feel wounded and deceived.
I would try a longer physical separation, even moving to another city, for at least six months. A year would be better. You need the time and space to work through this on your own. From what I've read after an affair some people can stay in the relationship and some can't. I don't think I could.
I would try a longer physical separation, even moving to another city, for at least six months. A year would be better. You need the time and space to work through this on your own. From what I've read after an affair some people can stay in the relationship and some can't. I don't think I could.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Danville, KY
Posts: 16
I just recently left my boyfriend who is an alcoholic, depressed and he too, blames the alcohol for anything he has ever said or done. I dont think he ever cheated on me with another woman, but he has told me so many other lies that I am not sure. Actually I am not sure of anything anymore. I hope you can get past this for your own peace of mind. I do have to say that it is great she is staying sober and that she is trying is at least worth something. My guy refused to get professional help. I found myself at AA meetings and Al-anon just to make sense of all of it.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
