Something positive with a few hard parts sprinkled in
 

So, the winter storm on the east coast last weekend has resulted in my having the past 3 days off of work (and tomorrow too). Schools are cancelled all over bc of downed power lines etc... Smart superintendents don't want kids getting electrocuted walking to school (though what do they think the kids are doing on these days off? staying in?) But I digress...

So, I spent one day being lazy, napping, catching up on sleep. The past 2 I have done house projects. Packing up some of AH's things (half his clothing is still here despite my requests that he come get it) but most of the time has been spent putting up decorations for Thanksgiving, organizing clothing, putting away the last remnants of summer stuff etc...

Today I got ambitious and tackled my bedroom... It had become a disaster area and I suppose I just didn't want to deal with it bc it meant moving some of AH's things around and I didn't want to deal with it...

So, I decided to rearrange the whole room, clean out his closet (organize I mean- not empty it) and make space for a desk where his dresser had been so that D6 can have a space of her own to do homework... We have an old desktop computer I am going to set up on the desk for her and she can do educational games on it etc... I was feeling pumped about all of this and feeling like I was reclaiming the space and feeling empowered and all.

I moved some of AH's clothing into his closet and was organizing the heap of blankets and sheets and just the mess that the storage in his closet had become when I started stumbling upon bug infested bottles and empty beer cans. I wasn't surprised exactly, but I was upset. I just didn't want that in my face reminder of the lies, the hiding etc... and I sat down and bawled. I haven't cried in a while and I guess finding one of what I am sure are many hiding spots yet to be uncovered just opened the flood gates for a lot of emotions I'm feeling.

I am still happy about the rearranging and D6 is ecstatic about her homework /computer spot... I just feel surprised by how emotional finding empty bottles made me. I used to be angry and feel like a victim of AH's lies when I'd find empty bottles... and today I just felt sad and the sadness is I guess connected to the relief I feel to be apart from AH but with that relief is still sadness at all that I'd hoped we'd be and all we weren't....

But, all in all, it was a good day... I am still kind of weepy though and I'm not sure if it's just hormones or if this is just part of the process of coming to terms with everything...

It's tough I know. Exah refused to take his clothes so I had to pack them up and it took MONTHS to get rid of all the beer cans he had hidden even though I have a organized house. He had them stuck everywhere (garbage cans in basement and garage, closet in basement, workbench). Every time I (or DS) found another stash I felt sick.

Good for you, nothing like a good project to get your mind off the neagtives.

You will probably continue to run into these little hidey-holes for the forseeable future, but every time you clean one of these up you are literally sweeping the garbage out of your life.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

I just figured something out... when AH and I were together, what got me into the most trouble was not anticipating his behavior to be precisely what I ought to expect it to be. I would get caught off guard and be upset.

I don't know why I went into cleaning, thinking all pollyanna-ish that it would be all roses. Of course I'm going to stumble across crap that will be upsetting.

Now that I am aware of that, accept it and expect it, I think I will be infinitely better equipped to deal with it than I was today....

Lesson learned: take a few moments to think about what I might encounter/expect when doing something that involves AH in any way, shape or form and I'll be less apt to be caught off guard...

Oh those hiding spots. I think we all get that feeling when we find YET another spot. Funny, just the other day I was cleaning the yard and opened the grill and there they were stashed in the grill. Of course, he says they have been there for years.. Really, the grill isn't that old. Things that make you go hmmmm

The whole thing is just so sad and pathetic at the same time. Does he really believe that I believe that?? I have grown though because before I would have showed him the "born on date" to prove him wrong, now I just can't be bothered! Oh, all that wasted energy and time to prove his lies were just lies and arguing my point. I am so glad I do not do that anymore.

Awww.. I am sorry you had a tough "surprise" but crying at those moments is such a great relief.
You are letting it go and facing your feelings, that is courage
I am also thinking of deep cleaning, its a form of meditation.