Boundaries
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Originally Posted by Portia123 
My A/RAH is like a child and oftentimes, I revert to child psychology in dealing with him. He's ADHD, has a bad back (diagnosed herniations), and is diabetic.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Chou: ADHD is a component of him - he has a hard time sitting still (oh and he's mildly dyslexic too, but functionally), he gets frustrated easily, easily agitated. I'm not blaming ADHD on his disease, I'm just saying it's a component of who he is. His spirit is willing to work on recovery (hence his continuing counsling and AA meetings, while still slipping) but his mind has trouble staying on the right paths. The time spans between slips are getting farther apart, so all I can do is hope for the best and use the tools I've learned to take care of myself through it all.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 139
Originally Posted by choublak
There are other alcoholics in his family somewhere. It's genetic.
Mom and Dad are high functioning, brother is an alcoholic/druggie, grandmother is an alcoholic... there are probably more.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
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I have been in your shoes-- I knew what I wanted to do/say but I didn't bc I was afraid of the reaction and anger from AH (for me setting boundaries, for me standing up for myself and our kids etc...)... I know the dread of "do I say something or just stay quiet bc at least staying quiet he won't rage at me for now"...
Bottom line: he's going to flip out. Any limits you set, anything you do for you that isn't enabling him IS going to be twisted. You're going have guilt trips laid on you, be called every name in the book-- anything to get you to acquiesce and enable... His parents do it for that very reason too-- they don't want his anger directed at them (this is precisely what my in laws have done with AH as well and what I did for many years).
You have to care about yourself more than you care about how he might react. When I got over thinking there was a way around his getting angry at me, I just started acting in the ways I knew all along I should have and wanted to and he's been good and mad, but I am waaaaay better off so I can deal with it (most of the time!)
Bottom line: he's going to flip out. Any limits you set, anything you do for you that isn't enabling him IS going to be twisted. You're going have guilt trips laid on you, be called every name in the book-- anything to get you to acquiesce and enable... His parents do it for that very reason too-- they don't want his anger directed at them (this is precisely what my in laws have done with AH as well and what I did for many years).
You have to care about yourself more than you care about how he might react. When I got over thinking there was a way around his getting angry at me, I just started acting in the ways I knew all along I should have and wanted to and he's been good and mad, but I am waaaaay better off so I can deal with it (most of the time!)
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 139
The hardest part of this, I think for me, will be making the phone call.
If I report him, it will be the end of so many things. Some really good, some really bad. Obviously.
It would be his 3rd strike with DWI's (he had 2 before I met him) So, not only would he lose visitations with his older son, he would go to jail.
I realize that it's irrational... but it feels sneaky to call the cops on him. Why does it feel wrong? I know it is what should be done, but it feels bad.
He is the one that is doing something wrong, and I feel like I'm wronging him by reporting it.
Have any of you done this? Can you share your experience?
If I report him, it will be the end of so many things. Some really good, some really bad. Obviously.
It would be his 3rd strike with DWI's (he had 2 before I met him) So, not only would he lose visitations with his older son, he would go to jail.
I realize that it's irrational... but it feels sneaky to call the cops on him. Why does it feel wrong? I know it is what should be done, but it feels bad.
He is the one that is doing something wrong, and I feel like I'm wronging him by reporting it.
Have any of you done this? Can you share your experience?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
What is it the end of? He has already shown you how irresponsible he is by not learning a thing from his previous two DWI's, and you are still condoning his driving under the influence by not calling law enforcement if he is behind the wheel drunk and or stoned.
Yes, I have called the sheriff here in Florida, and gave them all the infro, he was arrested and off the street, lost his license for life. I would do it again in a heartbeat.
A good friend of mine lost her twins, age 7, to a drunkin driver, no mother should suffer that loss, the drunk walked away from the wreck, however, not from the crime, he is still in prison. I say thank you lord, one less drunk on the road.
Do what is right for your child, if your husband makes bad choices it is his problem, let him face the music.
Yes, I have called the sheriff here in Florida, and gave them all the infro, he was arrested and off the street, lost his license for life. I would do it again in a heartbeat.
A good friend of mine lost her twins, age 7, to a drunkin driver, no mother should suffer that loss, the drunk walked away from the wreck, however, not from the crime, he is still in prison. I say thank you lord, one less drunk on the road.
Do what is right for your child, if your husband makes bad choices it is his problem, let him face the music.
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It does suck that the responsibiilty falls on you to report him... But the alternative is risking that he will harm you, himself, innocent others on the road.
It annoys me to no end that people can get DWI's and get their licenses back so easily... If drunk driving is against the law but people know they have at least 3 strikes before it really will matter, then why exactly would they stop doing it.
I think laws and consequences need to be WAY more strict-- not the punish the offenders, but to protect the rest of us...
It annoys me to no end that people can get DWI's and get their licenses back so easily... If drunk driving is against the law but people know they have at least 3 strikes before it really will matter, then why exactly would they stop doing it.
I think laws and consequences need to be WAY more strict-- not the punish the offenders, but to protect the rest of us...
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Yesterday the sex boundary came up. Multiple times.
I tried my best to keep it calm and about me. It of course became all about him and how I was trying to make him quit. (according to him.)
I managed to keep calm and level headed. I just repeated that this was about me. I said that I know that I can't make him quit. He has to make his own decisions, but I don't want to have sex when he's drunk. I'm not going to do it anymore.
He knows that this means we won't ever have sex. Basically. He said in perfect english that this was too much for me to ask and he wasn't going to do it.
Is it too much to ask that he be sober when we make love? I don't think so.
I'm done making myself crazy and demeaning myself so that he can be happy and go about as if his feelings are all that matter. While I'm feeling crazy and hurt and used. It's always ALL ABOUT HIM. Well, not anymore.
He kept saying that he wasn't going to quit drinking (I believe him), and he works hard and can come home and drink to relax if he wants to. That I was being a bitch because I was withholding sex to make him stop drinking. The last thing he said to me before getting blasted drunk was that we might as well just get it over with now then. (Meaning divorce, which I think was an empty threat. He's testing the water.) I just kept thinking, be my guest.
I didn't say anything. I went about my cleaning and playing with our son.
He stayed up ALL NIGHT drinking and smoking pot. (the pot is a recent development that I am not happy about either.) I don't have a problem with pot itself, but it's illegal, and anything that can make me lose my son is NOT something I want in the house.
I don't think he even remembers yesterday at all. He's been nice and cheery this morning. :/
I have an appt to talk to a lawyer tomorrow. I'm not sure whether I will go with just moving out, or the big D, but something has to change... and it's going to have to be me.
I tried my best to keep it calm and about me. It of course became all about him and how I was trying to make him quit. (according to him.)
I managed to keep calm and level headed. I just repeated that this was about me. I said that I know that I can't make him quit. He has to make his own decisions, but I don't want to have sex when he's drunk. I'm not going to do it anymore.
He knows that this means we won't ever have sex. Basically. He said in perfect english that this was too much for me to ask and he wasn't going to do it.
Is it too much to ask that he be sober when we make love? I don't think so.
I'm done making myself crazy and demeaning myself so that he can be happy and go about as if his feelings are all that matter. While I'm feeling crazy and hurt and used. It's always ALL ABOUT HIM. Well, not anymore.
He kept saying that he wasn't going to quit drinking (I believe him), and he works hard and can come home and drink to relax if he wants to. That I was being a bitch because I was withholding sex to make him stop drinking. The last thing he said to me before getting blasted drunk was that we might as well just get it over with now then. (Meaning divorce, which I think was an empty threat. He's testing the water.) I just kept thinking, be my guest.
I didn't say anything. I went about my cleaning and playing with our son.
He stayed up ALL NIGHT drinking and smoking pot. (the pot is a recent development that I am not happy about either.) I don't have a problem with pot itself, but it's illegal, and anything that can make me lose my son is NOT something I want in the house.
I don't think he even remembers yesterday at all. He's been nice and cheery this morning. :/
I have an appt to talk to a lawyer tomorrow. I'm not sure whether I will go with just moving out, or the big D, but something has to change... and it's going to have to be me.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Yuck. Yuck Yuck Yuck. I will NEVER live that way again. I am sorry you are going through this. I tell ya', it is like A GAME to them. Here we are, trying to make ends meet, trying to be responsible and ensure that we have a roof over our heads, food to eat, reasonably clean and dressed, living a responsible, law-abiding life and these people just make it HARDER on us when we let them continue to take advantage. It's like they think our sole purpose in life is to accommodate and pamper them. I am sorry but I watched my mother go through this for decades and I will never tolerate it in my life. She is still paying for it, 50+ years later. I would rather live in a shelter, or small apartment, trying to mete out a simple life for myself than to let another person drag me down. I am through with these people and reading about your AH just makes my stomach turn. I hope you get away from him soon.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
And HELL NO you are not supposed to just have sex with him because HE wants to when you have no desire to be with that. You are not his damn receptacle. This makes me angry. Gotta' go have some tea now and calm down 
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
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I am proud of you for not giving in, and for sticking to your boundaries. I cringe to the memories of giving in to my RAH's demands. *shiver* Good luck on the lawyer's visit tomorrow. Whatever you decide to do whether it be living separate, divorce, or whatever you are going in the right direction.
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