tryintosmile

Okay - so I'm working toward recovery and a plan. My head keeps telling me one thing and my heart (or maybe jealousy, insecurity and ego) keeps telling me another.

My head says 'who cares if he keeps contacting that woman'? He says she's just a friend (which is kind of true). We're new here and she's born and raised here. She keeps him informed with the gossip and he IS a gossip, controller - likes to know everything that's happening with people (I could care less, myself). She's is a nice woman (I did meet her on a couple of occasions). Nice - but getting a little too friendly with him. She's no hot chick or anything.

My heart on the other hand, is hurting. I know this woman is lonely, and I know he's keeping the ball rolling, and basically, by making daily contact with her he's 'grooming' her and cultivating a 'backup' relationship. I know I've already discussed this in my previous post and I know most people don't think this is cool either, but I don't know how to deal with it, as long as I am here.

I left my tape recorder on when I went away - already not trusting him because I'd come home one evening when he was on speaker phone with her - just casually - about a month and a half ago. He tried to pretend we were 'all friends' and said she'd called to find out how my dying mother was. Turns out she hadn't called at all - he'd called her - and in his drunk mode, where there are no boundaries - he asked her 'would you like to talk to my wife?) It was on speaker - remember. She said, well no that's kind of awkward. Really!?! The red flags had gone up and I went into detective mode (which I don't do when I've had no reason). Sure enough, I was right and the phone calls have been regular - and I caught him on tape saying the words 'Oh, I want to see you too', the afternoon that I left. Too bad the batteries died, shortly thereafter. So I got the rest of it out of him (in my last post).

Anyway - so he says he doesn't want to lose her as a friend, and that I'm f***ing things up by making a big deal about this. And I AM making a big deal, because I don't like this. I'm confronting him every night - and I DON'T WANT TO. But in essence, this man has finally gotten me into a town where I know no one. My mother has died and my family has moved away (out of our basement apartment). He didn't want anyone here. So here I am - alone, with him, on disability for chronic pain. Just where it seems he wanted me to be. Now - he's got a 'friend' - who he'd like to make a 3-some happen with me (and apparently he says she's willing and does this sort of thing), and he's very ANGRY that I'm trying to ruin this 'friendship' for him???.

I understand that I NEED to work on myself, but it's pretty difficult when I know this is happening. My question is - how can I detach from this? I really think I'm going to be fine (my head) and then I just blurt out something which escalates into a fight, and he starts holding his heart (he had a heart attack 3 years ago when I had temporarily moved him out and he was with another woman, partying it up - found a message - they'd joked that it must have been the great sex).

He's a liar - through and through and just to give an example - after we'd gotten back together from the last woman, I caught that they'd been together. He swore up and down that he hadn't done anything and even said 'do you wanna smell my d*nky if you don't believe me?' Of course he knew I wouldn't, but the fact was that I found out later that he had (barf). That makes me KNOW that he's going to lie to me when it best suits his interests.

I know he has no intention of 'giving up' this cutesy little ego stroking thing, but I also know that he's leading her on and giving himself a potential 'opportunity', in the meantime. His appointment for Alcohol counseling is 2 weeks away - and that's not like a guarantee that he's even going to 'make it'.

I have a lot to do, to get papers and things in general organized, which will give me a much better 'opening' to leave when and if I'm ever ready. Even though in one minute he's adamant that he wants our relationship to work out, he's also telling me that if I don't back off about this thing then I'd better go because I'm going to give him a heart attack.

I want to keep my focus on my purpose. I just don't know how to get this off my mind in the meantime. It makes me want to leave tomorrow and never look back, but that's not realistic right now - financially and otherwise. It's not like I have a lot of distraction, and my mind can be my worst enemy when I'm stuck at home with 'no life'. I'm just more stressed out than ever. It's either him abusing me - or him womanizing. When he's got someone else 'on the go', he's far nicer to me (and I become the agitated one). Take my pick (great choices). This has become the relationship long pattern but I didn't see it until very recently ... I want to go to the Al Anon meeting in town tonight, but how can I trust him when I'm gone? He's like the bad little boy who can't control his actions

GettingBy

I stayed stuck for a long time....why? Because I kept talking to my AH... Every conversation gave me more lies to try and straighten out. I KNEW the truth and for some reason I kept going back to him excepting/hoping for him to finally admit/agree to what I already knew. The more I talked to him... The sicker I got. The deeper my denial grew.

I got myself into al-anon and therapy... Where i got exactly what I was looking for... Validation. My therapist, al-anon friends and the great people here helped me see through my denial and see the truths... Which for me were -

- my husband is an alcoholic
- he is verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to me and the kids
- he is more than likely cheating on me

That's it. That's the truth. That's who he is. From those basic truths, I now base my decisions. I no longer go back to him looking for an explanation. I keep our communications to the basics and continue to work my recovery plan. Keeping the focus on me... And not on him... Keeps me grounded in reality.

Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon

skippernlilg

I had a cheating exH who was not an A. About 'checking up on him' and keeping an eye on him, this is what I found out: A dog is still going to be a dog whether you put a leash on him or not. (Mine jumped the fence)

I remember my self-esteem plummeted during that time. I discovered that was more about his moral shortage than my imperfection. I found beauty again. But it did take time.

dollydo

You are obssessed with him and keep playing the same tape over and over in your head, it a continious loop

If he wants to he will cheat whether you go to a Alanon meeting or not. You both are very sick ,you can decide to stay that way or you can seek help and get better. Alanon and this board can help you IF you really want to get better. If you just continue to talk about the situation and do nothing about it....NOTHING will change.

You will not build and trust by sitting there holding his hands and playing detective. Perhaps the starting point should be you, get healthy, learn to trust your decisions, learn how to say what you mean and mean what you say.

If you can't keep your mind busy on other issues, why not get a part time job, it will help to distract you from him, him and more him.

juliep

My ABF was secretly texting an ex. It hurt me so much, caused me to lose my self esteem, be ill and self harm.
I dont know that anything physical happened but he lied. Thats the point. Once a liar always a liar.
He continued his selfish ways at my expense and then turned things around blaming his drinking on me and my reaction to his secrets and lies.
Having said all that, we are still together. He has stopped contact with the other woman but he still drinks. And I still know he will always lie. There more they think they can get away with it the more they will do it.
Someone once said to me on here "Trust your gut feeling"
Be strong
My thoughts are with you
x

nodaybut2day

hi tryingtosmile...I've been on both sides of the equation you're mentioning.

At first, in my marriage with my XAH, I was the one who was being watched, hounded, questioned, all the time. He called me, 15-20 times a day, emailed, texted, asked me where I was, who I was with, for how long, asked me to send proof with pictures, etc. At the time, I was a striper; it's how I supported all of us. He equated that with cheating, and every night accused me of bl*wing my customers. It got to the point that I had to text him whenever I started a dance, when I finished, and then he would count the money I made to see if I had made "what I was supposed to"...if I had more, then maybe I was turning tricks on the side. If I had less, then I was lying to him and it was proof that I was a cheating wh*re...or maybe I was stashing money away to get away from him, which also meant I was a cheating wh*re. Heck, to appease him, I even took drugs (coke) and let him question me, for hours, so that he could get to "the truth", and then have me beg for his forgiveness.

It was so messed up.

Conversely, I had also done my share of snooping, later on in our marriage...I was obsessed with finding "the truth"...I checked emails, texts, phone records, and tried my best to get him to admit something...ANYTHING, because I felt in my gut that something was up. I had to do it quietly though because if I made too much noise about it, he raged at me, accused me of not trusting him when I had been a "cheating wh*re" in the past, and then he would drink, throw stuff at me, punch walls and mutilate himself to punish me. By then though, I had heard so many stories from female friends of mine, claiming that XAH had made passes at them. I wavered between denial and horrified belief. It didn't even click when he kept "going out" after work, several nights a week, both when I was gigantically pregnant, and after the baby had been born, and I was left alone at home to care for her, my stepson and myself.

I got confirmation twice: once when I was digging through his keepsakes box to find a hard drive where he kept damning pictures and videos of me...that's when I found another woman's underwear. Of course, he denied it. By then, I had already decided to leave, and I took my discovery as confirmation that I had made the right choice. My second confirmation came a year after separating, when I was diagnosed with HSV1&2. My first outbreak came during pregnancy, when he kept "going out"...I had so much on my plate back then that I ignored the outbreak and forgot about it, till it reoccurred much later.

All this to say...the obsession will ruin you, drive you crazy and leave you spent. It's a toxic merry-go-round that leads absolutely nowhere. Having lived through it, I would strongly advise to simply decide your own truth and let everything go. You already know what happened, and you already feel what's going to keep happening. There is nothing you can do to prevent your partner from engaging with that other woman, just as you'll never get him to admit to anything else. You don't need to have those conversations with him because they suck the energy out of you...and it's energy you NEED to get your plan together and focus on yourself.

Whenever I get frustrated, freaked out and angry that other people aren't acting "the way they should" (i.e. the way *I* think they should), I repeat the serenity prayer.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (others), the courage to change the things that I can (myself) and the wisdom to know the difference.

I know it's so hard to detach and step away, but you're working on it and it'll come.

Keep posting. Keep reading. We're here for you.

Leaping

He lies. He manipulates. He discounts emotions. He controls. He isolates. He cheats. He drinks. He lies he lies he lies. He is a parasite. He gets angry. He is immature. He lies.

I am talking about my STBXAH. And your A. And, to some degree, all the A's that brought all of us to this board.

That is all you need to know. It is up to you if this is ok for you, if this is how you want to be treated. I am worth more. I desrved better. I stood up for myself, my children, took my power back. So can you.

GettingBy

This thread has been stuck in my mind this morning. I wanted to add something else!

One of the other things I have learned on my recovery journey is that I stayed with my AH because I loved him, or at least the idea of who I thought he was/could be. I loved what I thought we could become... if only... if only he'd stop drinking, if only he'd stop yelling at me... if only. I tried so hard to be all the things I thought I needed to be so that he'd love me. So that he'd come home on a Friday night - instead of sitting at a bar.

I wanted... and needed... him to love me. And what I have come to learn is that he did... in the way that he could. But it just wasn't enough for me. One wake up call for me was the way he handled me being diagnosed with cancer. He was blank and unsupportive - that was all he could give me because he was so absorbed in his own self-loathing.

I kept going to the hardware store - looking for bread. And that left me (and the hardware store!) frustrated beyond words.

Through my recovery, I have learned there ARE places that sell bread (my friends, family, Al-anon, SR, therapist, etc)... and I'm also starting to learn how to make my own bread!! Yeah!!

The key ingredient... patience. Patience with myself. Giving myself time to "rise"

Thanks for letting me share, again!
Shannon

wellnowwhat

I want to keep my focus on my purpose. I just don't know how to get this off my mind in the meantime. It makes me want to leave tomorrow and never look back, but that's not realistic right now - financially and otherwise. It's not like I have a lot of distraction, and my mind can be my worst enemy when I'm stuck at home with 'no life'.

I agree with GettingBy.

Once I decided to accept my AH is actively drinking I no longer needed to prove it to myself every day that he is still drinking, I no longer need to search for empties, or smell him as we pass in the hall, or watch him closely for slurring or weaving. I know he is drinking. I can't believe how much time this freed up.

Once I accepted that he will continue to lie about his drinking I no longer needed to "catch him". He was caught! I can't believe how much it was a relief to not examine everything he said and did and how much headspace this freed up. (Drinking seems to be the only thing he lies about.)

Once I accepted that he drinks, and it costs money, I no longer had to mentally add up how much he withdrew, how much his favourite bottle cost, where was the money going, etc. I knew he spent approximately X per month, it's in the budget, unfortunately, but it's there and I no longer have to be a forensic accountant. I sleep better knowing the bills will still get paid.

I don't condone these things, but it's there, it's happening, and no need to keep verifying it all the time. That just made me crazy, and bitter, and resolved nothing.

Once I decided to take small steps each day towards making me healthy, with all this extra time on my hands, I cannot believe how much satisfaction I get when I realize I ate 3 meals (somedays I couldn't eat at all in the depths of my codependency) and they were healthy meals and no snacking.

I was pleased when I walked the dog and admired our beautiful forest rather than stomping through it ticked at the latest proof of his disease.

I was pleased when I tackled the finances and figured out just where I stood.

I was pleased when I attended an extra Alanon meeting and heard a great nugget of truth that carried me for a few more days.

I was pleased when instead of shutting myself off from the world in my misery I went out with friends and laughed, out loud! Slowly I began to have "not horrible" days, then the odd good day, and now mostly good days.

My AH hadn't changed a thing.

When I stopped focusing on my AH, which made me crazy, and focused on me, which made me feel healthier and proud again, I started to change. I became nicer to those around me as I became nicer to myself. Because I wasn't constantly examining under my AH under a microscope and finding him wanting, he noticed and our relationship became less strained.

Just my experience. Hope it helps.

CXR

You can...and will be stronger. Progress, not perfection. If you are attending meetings, sharing, talking with people at meetings, and working your program -- then you are getting stronger. You are getting healthier. You may not realize it, but you are.

I call it the "Karate Kid learning karate" method. Remember the movie? Ralph Macchio thought he was just sanding the floor, painting the fence, waxing the cars, etc. However, things are often not what they appear to be. He realized he was learning karate. And so the story goes. LOL.

Hang in there. You deserve it. Keep going to meetings. Your "mind will stop racing" and your "thoughts" Will start to become more clear and healthy. You will begin to "feel" better and healthier. You will then be able to make decisions from a place of logic, intellect, and being healthy -- not from a place of fear, rash emotion, unhealthy, etc.

All the best.

AllAboutheGirls

Keep working YOUR recovery. You know in your heart it does bother you there is another woman, and no she is not just a friend. WOW Really? A threesome? It amazes me to think of what becomes acceptable behavior when we are so involved with an alcoholic. They LIE. That's all there is to it it. Maybe you should stop thinking about the hurt feelings you have and think about being a little angry. He is doing this to you. Dont let him! Focus on you now.

"I know he has no intention of 'giving up' this cutesy little ego stroking thing,"
You should think abouth this statement. Is it his or yours? When my stbxah cheated on me, I felt the need to win. Because I knew I was "special". Well, I won. And he still cheated and lied and just kept on partying. What I won was the booby prize.

I ran and never looked back but it took a LONG time. Trust your gut on this one and take of you.

Tuffgirl

You can be stronger - that's your own personal choice to do the work to get you to that place. We make a choice to be strong, healthy, happy, content, committed, etc. And then we do the steps required to live out that choice. Simply choosing doesn't make it happen.

Everyone here has some great suggestions, and the only other thing I could add is time and patience. I am the most impatient person...I want everything RIGHT NOW and when I make a choice I go full bore into action mode and steamroll over every one else. My boss gave me the green light to move forward on a project I've been wanting for a long time, and I got so excited about planning that she gently put her hand on mine and said, "now Tuffgirl, take it slow, don't go dragging these people by the nose to your destination." I am still chuckling about that one...

Anyway - time and patience. Changing takes time, and patience is required. Patience with yourself. Forgiveness when you slip back into old ways of thinking. Progress, not perfection!

Keep on keeping on - you are going to be ok, regardless of what he does or doesn't do. Because you are stronger than you feel right now.
~T

marie1960

Infidelity of a partner is an awful big pill to have to swallow.

Truly the betrayal you are feeling is justified. You are entitled to every emotion you are feeling at this time.

His self centered actions and ego are taking a toll on your physical well being. I am certain all the stress is contributing and amplifying the chronic pain you are living with.

It's time to go into survival mode. You know who he is, and you know what he does. You have all the confirmation you need. "Playing Detective" just keeps pouring salt on your open wounds.

He is a very unhealthy person. He is not capable of controlling his own life, yet you allow him to control your every thought. He has broken your spirit, robbed you of joy, and withheld love. I would be angry as hell too.

Use that anger to get you to a better place. Channel that energy, focus on you. You can do this. Take your power back. Make good healthy choices. Lift yourself up. You are not a doormat, you are a woman, you deserve better.

Reactivate your life, step outside the box you live in, and find the beauty in each day. It truly is a choice. Deciding that you do not want to live like this for one more day, will allow you to take baby step toward the life that awaits you.

Sending you a big hug))))))

tryintosmile

WOW - it both saddens me and blows me away that none of you seem very surprised by this behavior. And I sit here in my 'lovely prison' believing that I am alone, experiencing the worst of the worst. You all are just amazing and your stories inspire me. I can't reply individually to everyone today - as I need to get that paperwork done, but thanks for inspiring me to keep on - keepin' on.

Dolly Do - it hurts so much for you to say that I am sick - just like him - but I AM sick and you are correct. What a harsh reality to have to face. I see myself as a victim who got caught up in this world and before I knew what was happening - it was happening to me and I just couldn't get out - BUT THAT'S NOT REALLY TRUE. I just thought I couldn't get out. It's like a playing a delicate balancing act between good and evil and trying so very hard not to fall. What hard work that has been - in fact SO HARD that I didn't notice that I'm so worn out, some days I suffer complete inertia.

Thanks NoDaybut2day for sharing your story. You are truly inspirational.

GettingBy Not sure how you do it so well - staying and accepting but kudos that you've found a way. I stay but I've never accepted - ANY OF IT!

Still my biggest difficulty IS that when he does have a woman on the side (in whatever capacity - even if it is just daily conversations), he is NOT nearly as abusive, and I could get a LOT done around here - and for myself - if I could just accept this. He's not as 'needy' (of me). If I can get things taken care of - I can find my way out of this maze. Therefore - what I need is a WAY to accept what is going on and not even question it. By not questioning it - he believes that I BELIEVE him - that 'nuthin's goin' on' and I hate that part. I hate for him to believe that he's successfully deceiving me - having his cake and eating it too. Oh man!

I AM going to that meeting tonight though! I know I need it!

GettingBy

I'm not staying because I want to... I'm staying because it's part of the legal process of divorcing.

Accepting something for WHAT IT IS... does NOT MAKE IT ACCEPTABLE!!!!

I accept my husband for who he is - means, I no longer try to change him. That's it. It in no way implies that who he is is right/healthy for me. If fact, accepting who he is helps me set boundaries to protect me FROM HIM!

tryintosmile

My apologies if that sounded like a criticism. I shouldn't assume I know your story. I'm glad you've learned this detachment thing that continues to evade me and that you are getting away from the insanity of it all. I only said kudos because I believe it is rare for someone to be able to do that and stay - accepting the person and everything they do - in entirety!

tryintosmile

Sounds so simple - yet why does it seem so complicated?

fedup3

tryingtosmile, take a look into a mirror and tell that person you see in there that she is one very valuable person so much so that she deserves to be cherished, loved, cared for, appreciated, held in high esteem and nothing less than that she be accepted.

SoaringSpirits

Like others, I found that once I stopped playing detective and simply accepted that my AH was going to do what he was going to do, I was able to focus on my own healing. At first, I think it was necessary for me to do this (drive to his office and rummage through his desk for vodka bottles, etc.) in order for me to really face my situation and not be in denial. I did the detective thing quite a lot. It was helpful to a point, then it became harmful and I had to stop.

Programmatic

The answer to the thread topic question is, "You can, but it takes time and it takes exercise". These are spiritual muscles that have atrophied while the obsession muscles have gotten daily exercise.

If a person breaks a knee cap and is in a cast for 6 months and then comes out of the cast and must go through rehabilitation to regain equal use of that limb one might consider that person daft to be asking "why can't I be stronger" on the 1st day of rehab. The difference is the person in the cast was fully aware of the situation and was apprised of muscle deterioration during the casting. This person is aware and to some degree accepting so the degree of action or lack thereof is understood.

Awareness

Acceptance

then

Action