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Does every drunk person annoy you?

Old 11-02-2011, 08:22 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I am the same way, and I know it's more me than them. Perhaps one day I'll be more tolerant of drunks again. Last night I was at Penn Station in NYC and there were two drunks passed out on two different staircases. I took a deep breath, stuffed down my personal scorn, and said a prayer for them.

I was out one night with some friends, and one of them drank too much, as she is wont to do, and tripped over an uneven place on the floor and fell down. Her jeans were too tight and she was having a hard time getting up and she was right next to me. I looked down at her, called to her bf, and said, "Please come over here and help "Jane". Then I looked down at Jane and said, "Sorry, I don't pick drunks up off the floor anymore." They are still laughing about that one, including Jane.
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Old 11-02-2011, 08:58 AM
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I'm a bartender. I used to enjoy a few drinks towards the end of a shift. Now I do not. I realized my drinking was a way to "deal" with the drunks, which is clearly counter-productive. Now I find myself "cutting people off" much more frequently and enjoying only my diet coke. It's still annoying to watch them act foolish, but I use their actions to keep me focused on the person I want to be and not the person I was.
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Old 11-02-2011, 09:43 AM
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Well, this is a tough one, and a personal one. Each of us will have a different reaction, tolerance, and so on.

That said, I will point out my experience. I've found that sometimes "we" as a group -- and I hate to stereotype -- but sometimes, some of us, can be overly sensitive to this type of situation. We know where it could go, what it could do, etc. We've lived it. It has hurt us in the past. For these reasons and more, some of us can be overly sensitive. That can lead to a short fuse or low level of tolerance. It can lead to more. Resentment, anger, and so on.

My tolerance runs out with the belligerent drunk. The one who slurs speech and can't communicate effectively. The one who gets loud and obnoxious. The one who becomes someone or something completely different than who they normally are. The one where the character traits and attributes that I admire and respect completely disappear when they are drunk. The one who blames, accuses, hurts, etc.

I've been in al-anon for over 15 years. I drink. It's not a problem for me. My friends drink. Some drink a lot. But their drinking and the behavior doesn't impact, offend or hurt me. If it does, like above, then I will do something about it.
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Old 11-02-2011, 08:28 PM
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I feel the same as you. I start to feel anxious when I hear about drinking. My sister-in-law, the one that will soon be divorced from my brother, talks about bar hopping and getting wasted. I just cringe. I do not understand the "party" lifestyle in that sense anymore. My idea of a party is a group get together to play Wii with chips and salsa as a snack. I know that may be lame to some, but that is where I am at the moment.

I am just so sensitive to the consumption of alcohol. Any thought of it makes me sick. I’m with a few of the others that I could tolerate a friend with a glass of wine at dinner, but I don’t think I could have any tolerance to be with someone at a happy hour where alcohol consumption is the major part of the gathering.

This subject made me think of something that is bothering me:
My brother called me recently and spoke about him drinking at a pub downtown. He preceded to tell me that he had miss placed his car, but after thirty minutes he found it. He didn't remember driving, but made it home. The next day he was still feeling the buzz in early afternoon from the night before. I was livid. I felt my face get red hot. I tried to calm down. I was mad that this is how he spent his free time. I was angry that he was so lack about it like it was not a big deal. I was mad that he drove drunk, and that he could have killed himself or someone else. I was angry that his main concern was that he could have gotten pulled over rather than that he placed himself in that situation. I had to breathe and calm down. I reminded him of the dangers, and expressed my concern. That is all I can do. Thanks for letting me share.

You are definitely not the only one, and I think it is a good idea for you to do as you expressed in a previous post to make a boundary of asking him not to call when he had been drinking.
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Old 11-02-2011, 10:19 PM
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One of my RA friends said it best: Going to parties sober isn't that much fun because not only are you not as funny as you thought you were emwhen you were drunk; neither is anyone else...
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Old 11-03-2011, 12:32 AM
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Yes, drunks annoy me, and jerks and hypocrites, and snakes talking behind people´s backs.
Well if its a social setting I am fine but I prefer not to be there when the alcoholic(s) starts showing their truths
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Old 11-03-2011, 05:38 PM
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I am feeling super judgemental and am not sure how to get over myself right now...

I have no problem having a glass of wine or a drink if I wanted one... and I have no problem with others having the same and sitting and chatting or having an interaction that has far more to do with conversing than drinking.

But let the person I am with start drinking more than I am comfortable with and I feel like I'm going to self-implode...

Right now I think my resentments are getting to me in new ways... I don't feel angry per se but I am annoyed that I am so freaking hypersensitive to alcohol and others drinking and I am like this bc of being married to AH. So I am inclined to blame him for all that I am feeling (but I am not doing that bc I know it's my issue- not his)... I'm not going to do that and deep down I know it's not his doing. I chose to stay, I was the codie whose ego thought I could "save" him, I wanted to help him get well so I could have the life with him that I wanted... Not purely altruistic motives and I really did a number of myself (and my kids) in the process...

All of that said, I am sitting here tonight feeling irritated beyond belief that I am on such high alert about others drinking and I hate that bc it's uncomfortable and frankly, I'd prefer right now to not be phased by people being drunk...

Thanks for letting me ramble!
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Old 11-03-2011, 09:34 PM
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WTBH-

My therapist shared with me today that the one of the stages to forgiveness is anger or resentments.

To move through them you have to feel it.

I know that does not make the moment any better, but I don't like sitting with the hard stuff either.
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Old 11-04-2011, 01:24 PM
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Before I experienced alcoholism first hand in a loved one (AW) drunk people did not typically annoy me or bother me in the same way they do now.
When I worked in a hospital many drunks were brought in and the plan was to stabilize them and typically let them sleep it off. Not infrequently when they became obnoxious or abusive or threatening the simple answer was "security" More times than none the big bad drunks became well behaved in the presence of formidable security guards.

The problem is we cannot simply gety that kind of attitude inducement for our loved ones.

Currently I recognize drunk "alcoholic" as opposed to drunk non alcoholic behavior.
I like to listen to live music and the venues typically serve alcohol and I see it.

Alcoholic panhandlers and scammers do bother me a lot.
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Old 11-04-2011, 06:30 PM
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Oddly or maybe not, it's the high functioning drinker or social drinker who is downing drinks & acting like it's funny who upset me more than the overt drunk person or alcoholic...

AH always appeared on public to drink socially but I'd watch & be sick knowing how much he was drinking & dreading when he'd start embarassing himself& me. So being at a bar is for me far more "triggering" than anything... I see AHs behavior in everyone & my anxiety goes through the roof...

Liferecovery- thanks for sharing what your T said... It helps to think of resentment as part of the path to moving on & forgiveness... I've been beating myself up for being upset when what I ought to do is just sit w what I feel & work through it... Thanks!
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Old 11-04-2011, 07:47 PM
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Right now I think my resentments are getting to me in new ways... I don't feel angry per se but I am annoyed that I am so freaking hypersensitive to alcohol and others drinking
Been there, done that, didn't even get a freakin' t-shirt. I didn't even work through it, I just think I got tired of alcohol being an issue. And I'm SO with you on social drinkers who are drunk. I can have compassion on some level with the drunk homeless person -- but it still bugs me when "normal" people get drunk and slur their speech and tell you how much they hate their boss and what a GREAT gal you've always been...

I also have a problem with many of my girlfriends who (at least ten times a week) say things like "sorry you're having a ****** day; buy yourself a bottle of wine on the way home." And like you said -- it's my issue, not theirs -- but I've started saying "Listen -- I spent 20 years with a guy who thought getting a bottle of wine on the way home was the way to solve all his problems. I'm not falling down that same rabbithole."
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Old 11-04-2011, 07:57 PM
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I think people like us have been through so much with the alcoholics in our lives that we sort of develop a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder type response to drunks. I have a glass of red wine here and there but I can't be around drunks anymore. I get really stressed out and I don't think they are cute or funny, like everyone else in the room seems to.

I was driving with a co-worker the other day who I had heard had way too much to drink over the weekend. He reeked of booze exactly like my ex-husband did all the time and it was very hard for me to deal with driving with him all day. To me, that is the worst smell in the world.
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Old 11-04-2011, 11:01 PM
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Yes drunk people annoy me especially drunk people. I can tolerate social drinking because I'll have a drink or two. Beyond that I'm done. People get mad at me to the point of being insulted when not keeping a drink in hand going to soda or water. Same if I don't feel like drinking by 3-4 oclock in pm. I have little respect for someone when I can smell them before I see them. You wind up tolerating them and not talking to them. Logic does not apply. It becomes an awkward wait to leave a drunks presence. If you want to drink fine but don't use events, gatherings or people as an excuse to get drunk.
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Old 11-05-2011, 10:21 AM
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Lilamy- I can relate... the friends making constant references to "let's drink" is I know a socially accepted thing but it triggers me every freaking time...

And right now I have a constant sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach regarding drinking and my best friend...

She drinks (and tell me so as if it's a joke-- but occassionally will say she's alarmed that she's using it to cope) nightly-- wine. Not sure how much. Not sure it matters. Her marriage is a nightmare and she is me a year ago. Trapped financially, can't see that leaving or kicking her H out would be better than being financially stable... wants me to relate (and I can in a way) and lately the only time she is interested in having any kind of deep ish conversation is when she is drinking.

We went out to see a band play this summer that a friend of hers is in. I had one drink in the 3+ hrs we were there. She had a LOT of wine, a few shots etc... She knew she was drinking too much and said so... and she behaved waaaaaay overly fliratatious with random men (I sound like I am judging but really I am describing the scene) and continued to tell me throughout the night that I couldn't say a thing about her behavior to her H.

When it was time to leave I told her to give me her keys and that I was driving her home. Lots of rationalizing and finally she said she would sit in her car while I went to get gas and she asked me to get her a coffee and something to eat to absorb the alcohol and swore she'd let me drive her home.

When I returned 5 min later she had left. Called the next day to apologize, texted me that night to say she was fine (when we both knew she wasnt) and ever since then I have hyper alcohol sensitive when it comes to her....

So, I guess maybe some of my issues about socializing and friends and alcohol are really related to her. She has been the #1 person who has been supportive, non judgemental, and I felt I could rely on her for the past year like no one else. She's like family more so than a friend. Our families have spent holidays together, go on vacation together etc.... and I feel constant sickness thinking about how I see the path she's headed down and knowing I can't do a thing...

I'm supposed to go to a 40th bday event tonight at a friends house and I am dreading it... Last get together I bowed out early and it was awkward and I felt like an outsider bc I wasn't downing drinks and I felt irritated at how idiotic everyone else was acting...
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Old 11-06-2011, 06:58 AM
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Originally Posted by jds0401 View Post
Hi WTBH,

First I hope what I say is not crossing any boundaries and if it is I apologize in advance it's not meant to....for me this word judgemental has been a huge barrier for my recovery, more in terms of my ACOA issues than my codie/AH stuff. I think our childhoods were somewhat similar from what I've read on here (I may be wrong but that's what I meant by I may be crossing) - my childhood consisted of an overly controlling (and I mean extreme) emotionally and verbally abusive mother and a withdrawn A father, my mother caused me far more strife than my father ever did (and continues to try to do so even though I'm NC with her).

First my mother was ALWAYS judging me and ALWAYS talking badly about me to others to try to get them to judge me also (others being my friends parents, my other relatives and even my friends themselves)....she told the minister once when I went on a church field trip that I was a major problem child, had psychological issues and that he should "watch" me on the trip - his daughter was my best friend and she overheard the phone call and told me. I was 9. So I know how that type of family can make feeling judged a huge deal.

However what I've realized lately is the more damaging thing my mother did to me was to call me "judgmental" in order to amp up her control of me and make me feel small - so she did it to invalidate my opinions. So I would express my feelings on an issue and she would scorn me and call me judgmental and I would stifle my voice (and believe her that I was a judgmental horrible person). No one wants to be called judgmental - definitely not. And unfortunately that tactic she used on me (invalidating myself and my voice by calling me judgmental) wore off on me - and it really pisses me off about myself - but I find myself calling others judgmental when they say something I don't like to subconsciously nullify their opinion...AND - this is where I get to your post I also find myself beating myself up sometimes by calling myself judgmental (so I'm still reliving that childhood dance with my mother even though I've been NC with her 10 years!!!).

Anyway I thought I'd put that out there due to our similar backgrounds...maybe it doesn't apply. I do think you're being too hard on yourself though - it's ok to have the feelings you have about the drinking. Just my two cents.
Thank you so so much for this post. You are absolutely right. We had very, eeriely similar childhoods-- right down to the telling of friends, neighbors etc... that I was psychologically troubled (projection anyone?!) and shaming me to the ends of the earth and back for saying things like "don't be mean to me" or asking a teacher for help and when my mother got investigated by DCYF, she turned it into a "my daughter is crazy" kind of thing... so, yes, your instinct that we had similar childhoods is right and the things you say about how the word "judgement" took on a negative connotation is really dead on....

Thank you so much!
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Old 11-06-2011, 07:33 AM
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Great thread. I just want to say that I've recently become aware of the churned-up feeling I get when I see people who are drunk. I'm not talking about people enjoying a drink, that's fine by me. But the beyond-tispsy stage (and it's a very fine line there) is uncomfortable and I'm increasingly finding that I want to get away from that. It starts to bring on all the negative aspects of the drama/chaos stuff: fear, uncertainty, unpredictability. And quite frankly, that's optional in my life. It's still difficult to choose serenity sometimes, but I'm getting better at it.


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