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Feeling a little lonely

Old 11-01-2011, 08:32 AM
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Feeling a little lonely

I'm doing well, set even more clear boundaries with stbxah, enjoying my new job, working with my T, focussing on my recovery, supporting my D's...

But, with the holidays approaching and well meaning people asking things like "is your family supportive", "what are your plans" etc... I am finding myself sad.

My foo has not spoken to me since AH moved out. It's as if they don't know what to say and are uncomfortable and unsure what to say so they are just avoiding me. I reached out to a few of my siblings about a month ago and it was so awkward and strained that I made the decision it was best for me, for now, to just stay away. My history with my foo is that I am the black sheep-- never did anything to deserve that title other than the fact that I was unable to ignore the elephant in the room and always wanted to try and problem solve vs sweep stuff under the rug. So, it's not surprising that now that my marriage is over and the perfect image is shattered, that no one wants to touch me with a 10 ft pole.

I feel bad for my kids that their aunts and uncles have all but ignored them since mid summer and I don't have any explanation for it. I know my family will expect me to show up for Thanksgiving and that's not going to happen. I can't force a happy face and put on an act for a day and have already decided it's not going to happen.

Anyway, I am just feeling sad. I know life is better without AH, and I know it's healthier for me and my D's that I have put distance between myself and my toxic FOO for now but it leaves me feeling lonely. I have good friends and that's wonderful but I find myself wishing I had the family (either FOO or family with AH I thought I'd have) I wanted to have...

So, just feeling a little down today....
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Old 11-01-2011, 08:46 AM
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WTBH, ((((hugs))))

I'm sorry your feeling this way. Holidays can be a real drag with all that going on.

Just a little idea, why don't you and the girls sit down and start to plan your thanksgiving? What your going to have to eat that day, things to cook that they can help with, parades on tv in the morning and finish the night with pop corn, egg nog and a couple of their favorite christmas specials. (Olive the other reindeer is one of my favorites)

This will also help to remind you that YOUR family is right there with you.

BTW, your recovery is looking so good. I'm proud of you and the work you have done.

Your friend,
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Old 11-01-2011, 08:51 AM
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thanks mike...

additional details... i am in the same town as my mom. my siblings and their families will be going to her house. my kids are used to going there too and are looking fwd to seeing their uncles/aunts and cousin. i don't know how to explain why we aren't doing that. and i feel guilty that bc i don't want to deal with my foo, i am keeping my kids from people that they enjoy being with.

a part of me feels like i need to suck it up and go for a bit so that the girls can be with family-- they don't have to have the same issues with my family that i do, you know? i just am not good at faking it and have no desire personally to be with my family...

now is when i wish i didn't live geographically near my foo. it would make this easier right now.
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Old 11-01-2011, 09:10 AM
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Ok, lets try something else.

Going to families house for some holiday when you don't want to and you know you are going to hate it is an American tradition. I have done it for years. So, could you plan the day around spending some time with your foo, for the girl's sake, and spending some time creating a new family tradition at your house with the girls. I still like the christmas specials with egg nog and popcorn. If you have a schedule then you and the girls know the time with your family is limited and you are going to be going home to do something special. How about a new movie, kind of an early christmas present waiting at home for them? All wrapped and sitting on top of the TV. Let them see it there before they leave and you shouldn't have any whining about going home a little early.

And thank you for posting this. It's the first time I have let my codie out in a long time to try and solve someone else's problem. And be able to know it wasn't a bad thing, well that is just bliss.

Your friend,
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Old 11-01-2011, 09:24 AM
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This is a difficult time - especially with the new changes to your situation -

I agree that becoming creative and starting something NEW for you and your children is a Great idea!

If you feel like you can do a short visit with the family fine - go and have an exit strategy - say "we are going to the movie @ 1" and then maybe take the kids to a movie

Or buy some inexpensive flowers and take them to your nearest nursing/retirement home, children's hospital, or wherever you choose

also remember if you do go for a visit and if anyone tries to discuss issues you aren't ready to discuss - You could maybe say "I appreciate your concern, but today I am taking a break from all that just to be grateful and enjoy the blessings. So let's not talk about that anymore. Thanks" or how ever you want to word it in a way that is compassionate to you and allows them to back off nicely.

PINK HUGS & prayers for a truly peaceful holiday season!
Rita
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Old 11-01-2011, 09:43 AM
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Thanks for the ideas guys... I think I get stuck in all or nothing thinking sometimes and I think that the idea of "we will go for X time" and then leave is perfect... There's some muppet movie the girls saw on tv that is coming out at thanksgiving and I think I will plan to do that with them and have a low key day mostly at home with a brief visit to my mom's... Feeling better already!!!!
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Old 11-01-2011, 09:44 AM
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this Thanksgiving will be the first holiday since my divorce and the first one I will be hosting by myself for 17 people, ugh, wish me luck with so many people I won't have the opportunity to be sad. WTBH, did you ask your D's if they wanted to go to FOO or do something else on Thanksgiving? They may surprise you with their answer and no matter how they answer whether or not you go to FOO you'll be with them!
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Old 11-01-2011, 01:24 PM
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This post made me bust out and laugh so hard..THANK YOU!

I thought "I WAS THE ONLY ONE" in the world today, feeling sad about the holidays coming up...I really, had the poor me thing going on myself.

The weather is getting cold, days are getting gloomer outside without the sunshine.
Overwhelmed with work, house, just about everything today including the fall yard work and then I to think about the holidays...

I have been thinking and WAY over analyzing the up coming holidays in
my little pea brain.

Just this morning, I told myself that I wont be alone, I cant be alone, This crap
sucks but I can do it, right?

So I have decided, I have 2 choices: Donate my time serving food at the homeless shelter or invite another single friend to join me at a Thanksgiving buffet.

Im not much into buffet food, so looks like I might be serving food!


Maybe your kids, would love to donate their time at a shelter & serve food.
It's would be a new adventure....And surely breaking the OLD TRADITION!

So there's a new idea for you!!
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Old 11-01-2011, 03:42 PM
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Personally, I think that there is too much made out of the holidays sometimes. There are 365 days in the year and only 3 of those days are major holidays. It is such a small fraction of all the days we have in a year. I am going to think of it as just another 24 hours this year!! I am in the same boat as you and it does get you down. Our lives are changing but they are changing for the BETTER!!

Can you plan to stop by just for dessert and have the girls make something special to bring. My girls always loved making the gingerbread houses and now they are not just for Christmas. We have made Halloween and Easter ones too! Check on-line and make a Thanksgiving one. We still make them and my girls are in college now!

Let's all start to enjoy the next chapter of our lives! We deserve it!

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Old 11-01-2011, 04:02 PM
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My son and I make a homemade Italian dinner for Thanksgiving. We had it by ourselves last year when ABF was off somewhere on a bender. So being by ourselves is nothing new. The new part is that we will not be worried about anyone else's whereabouts!

For Christmas this year, we are not going to my FOOs like we did last year. My mom smokes like two chimneys and I have asthma and son has allergies, so it's a no-go. We usually just stay at my brother's and go visit my mom from there, but my brother is staying at her house this year. We haven't been invited to RABF's family celebrations at all. That stung at first.

But, we'll do what we do, and I think we'll have fun doing what we want to do. We love watching the Home Alone movies and I love "A Christmas Story". I have a feeling this year will be back to the more spiritual celebrations than what I was having with an A in the house.
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Old 11-01-2011, 04:20 PM
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I actually have always volunteered at a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving... the one that I always volunteered at burned to the ground last Spring and in true form, my snooty town has been battling the organization about rebuilding... lots of "not in my neighborhood" nonsense... So, for now, there's no local shelter/soup kitchen which is just awful... I could look in other cities though. However, my experience is that there's tons of people volunteering at the holidays and less during the rest of the year so I am inclined to do something with my girls on Thanksgiving and stick with volunteering during the rest of the year....

I'm going to see if my bff and her family want to come to my house for a meal and the kids can play together and I am actually feeling pretty relieved about this all-- just talking about this on here helped a ton. Thank you all so much!
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Old 11-02-2011, 03:04 AM
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Prepackaged ideas suck... do whatever you wish, during a holiday or during a normal day, be grateful you are alive and well and your kids with you .. I love setting up timers too, and cooking together sounds like a great idea!! have fun with the muppet movie, I saw a preview and it seemed hilarious. I am starting to dread Christmas but well whatever it is I will plan something for my enjoyment period!
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Old 11-02-2011, 07:16 AM
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It's hard when you're lonely. I know. I live it often. You do have family -- each other. There's a difference between "lonely" and "being alone" and you can be healthy with either. Might not be happy all the time, but if you're healthy you'll handle it.

I wasn't included (by some friends) in plans this past weekend. I was dejected. Felt rejected. Started getting insecure. My mind stated racing. Was someone/they mad at me. Were some of them talking about me? I started thinking that if I lose these friends, I am truly alone. And more and more and more.

I was "forced" into sitting home, alone, on Friday night and Saturday night. I went to a meeting Friday night. My usual meeting Saturday morning. Grabbed breakfast after the meeting with two of the people from the meeting. Went home. Stayed home. I did it. I wanted to do it, by myself. Because I know it's going to happen again. I let it go and looked for peace and serenity with it. Sounds corny maybe -- but it worked.

Do what you want to do, be present and enjoy your children and be there for them. You'll make it the best it can be. Enjoy and all the best.
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