dandelion75

I'm brand new here. I'm not sure if I belong. I am in a very painful relationship with someone who I believe is an alcoholic. The thing is, I'm not 100% sure if he is. He never misses work and seems to have his drinking controlled. But he drinks more than anyone I've ever known. When we go on vacation he drinks from morning until night and does it again the next day. In the 2 years I've been with him, there hasn't been more than two days in a row that he hasn't had a drink. He never drinks alone but is literally out at a bar at least 5 times a week. We often fight because I feel "partying" is his biggest priority. He's extremely successful at what he does and in our circle of friends, heavy drinking is very much accepted. I rarely see him fall down drunk but I have seen him consume 12 to 20 beers in one day. He's a big guy. Anyway, the problem is...I feel that I'm addicted to him and the relationship. Does that happen? How does alcohol play into that? I'm so lost. I feel he is manipulative at times and uses how much I care about him against me. I'm not sure I am making sense but he is the most fun I've ever had with someone but at the same time, we fight. It gets really bad. We both say awful things to each other. I'm pretty sure he's abusive emotionally but I feel like I am just as responsible for even being involved. I often describe our relationship as the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I'm embarrased by how I've behaved. The things that I've accepted. I just feel lost and alone. I'm 35 and about to turn 36. He is about to turn 40. I want to get married and have children I think. Yet, I am sacrificing everything for this person who only seems to really care about one thing which is partying. Things go through my head...like maybe if I was thinner or not as needy etc etc. I think things might change between us. And he'd want to make a true commitment. I don't know if I'm making sense. I don't know if anyone can relate but the thought of being without him seems worse than death itself. Why is that?

djayr

Welcome to SR. You do belong. Most of us are or have been in serious relationships with people who drink as much as your significant other. You are at the beginning of process where you are realizing how much he is really drinking. Unfortunately, the common sequence of events is a "progressive" march towards serious health problems and life issues. Take care of yourself, I understand how much you love him. Best wishes...

Tuffgirl

Welcome Dandelion - stick around here for a while and read the posts - even the alcoholism forum. There are many good books on alcoholism out there, as well. And the classic read for your own knowledge is Co-Dependent No more, by Melody Beattie.

The questions you are asking are valid, as are your feelings. Is he an alcoholic? I don't know. But at the very least it sounds as if the two of you have vastly different priorities.

You are always welcome here! Hope to see you around!

Take care,
~T

LifeRecovery

Welcome Dandelion75-

I have experienced much of what you are describing and we are of similar ages.

I struggled a long time with the thought of if my loved one was an alcoholic. That is not for me to decide, but when I finally realized that what mattered was it impacted me in ways I did not like it helped.

I agree with the reading suggestions and also found a lot of help with Al-anon.

I am glad you are here.

Willybluedog

Welcome dandelion, so sorry for what you are going through.

Put aside the alocholic issue for a moment, it sounds as if you are in a relationship with someone who uses your love against you, that in itself is cause for concern.

My first wife and I were in a situation very similar to yours, when we were good we were very good, but most of the time she built herself up by tearing me down, I did not have sense enough to leave, she decided to start having an affair with someone who was more fun.

It does not sound as if you want the same things, you=marriage & kids, him=partying.

You say maybe you should maybe be thinner and less needy. If he does not love you, the person that you are inside and out, then maybe he is not the right guy for you.

I know this, when your self-esteem is crap then you tend to look at yourself as the problem, if only I was ______ then he would love me, he would quit drinking, he would want to stay home more, get married, have babies, it is a never ending drama.

Think about getting into counseling, I know that after I got started with a good counselor, got on prozac, my life became so much better, I realized I did not need my evil, mean, cheating wife to be happy.

Best of luck to you,

Bill

painterman

He can't party all his life, the lifestyle will catch up with him and maybe then he'll realise what other good things he's missing, a stable family life. Sounds like he has taken you for granted and needs a serious wake up call.
I don't think you can continue to live your life in the shadow of his problem and feel fulfilled, I would recommend Al Anon for some insight into how we can be manipulated by drinkers.
Good luck!

dandelion75

Thank you all so much. It's funny, I read your words and it's like I've been in denial for so long. Ignoring the basics. I think I will try my first meeting tonight. I'm truly a mess. My whole life and how I feel is based on how he treats me. And of course, it was Halloween last night and he was out until the bars closed. He's turning 40 in 15 days and after binge drinking all weekend long, he still felt it was necessary to get dressed up in a costume and drink again. I guess I know what I need to do. Just not sure how or if I have the strength to actually do it.

nodaybut2day

hi Dandelion and WELCOME to SR. I'm glad you found us. This place is full of great support and humour.

Having read your post, I would really recommend finding an Al-Anon meeting for yourself. Having face to face support is priceless, despite how wonderful SR is.

And yes, get your hands on Codependent No more. It's an eye-opening read.

Keep posting! SR is always open.

SoaringSpirits

If his drinking is a problem for YOU, then it's a problem.

My AH of 16 years is a high functioning CEO who is successful and well liked. He's a gentle soul and he was my best friend. He's also a closet alcoholic. I rarely saw him stumbling drunk. He didn't drink too much at parties. He just quietly medicated himself for years, drinking 7 days a week and gradually pulling away from me. His booze became his lover. I hung in there for a long time, convincing myself that some of the problem was in my head. We have four kids. Everyone is right, it gradually gets worse and worse. And then one day, you realize you are up $hit creek without a paddle. And paddling out of that creek is MUCH harder with a marriage, assets, and kids in tow. As well as your decimated sense of self esteem. Don't go there. You deserve better.

Your man is not good husband and father material. Educate yourself so you can understand what you are dealing with, and move on. A great book for you is "Codependent No More." Read it and you will understand how you can feel 'addicted' to him.

skippernlilg

I'm glad to see you're going to check out an Al-anon meeting. The qualifier is that someone else's drinking is affecting you, and it is. So there ya go.

Note that many of us had to try out a few different meeting settings to find the one that 'fit' for us. So, get encouraged that there is one out there that you'll like best and cozy right on in.

I applaud you for recognizing all of this before you went down the road of getting married and having children. Many of us saw signs of 'something' before we did all that, and then in hindsight, realized we knew our partners were alcoholics all along. Our denial was very, very deep. You have seen this prior to making some life decisions that could be extremely damaging to yourself and entire families. Very good for you!

The feeling of addiction to the alcoholic is very common for us codies. I also recommend Melody Beattie's books to learn more about this part of how the dynamics tend to work on partners and families. Knowledge is power.

Also, keep posting here. I've been coming here for a little longer than a year, and it's helpful every time I come back.

butterfly2b

Dont ever blame yourself for someone elses behavior! It doesnt matter what you do, he seems selfish and not even close to father material. And YES! You belong here! Youre husband is a functioning alcoholic. And he will probably not quit his behavior unless he gets so sick it scares him into being sober. I really dont know what else to say except Im so sorry youre going through this with someone youve given your life to. I feel your pain and hope things get better for you. I kicked my husband out and thought I really might die. Day two, I cried until I was sick. Day three, I started seeing the light. I could feel the pain being relieved. Day 4 he begged to come home and I was ok with saying, No. Unfortunately I did have him come home and realize I should not have. He has not accepted he is sick. Until they do, you cannot do ANYTHING for them. I have to remind myself, I can only control me and Im ok with that.

dandelion75

Has anyone ever felt so scared to end the relationship. Of being alone. It's hard to describe the debilitating fear that overtakes me when I think of ending it. It's like I no longer want to live because the pain is so strong. Does that happen to anyone else? I feel like the addict.

LaTeeDa

Yes. It's commonly known as "fear of abandonment," and many of us have unfortunately experienced it. Especially those of us who are ACOA's. I was unable and ill-equipped to deal with it on my own. I needed lots of help, primarily from a really awesome therapist who was experienced with those issues.

L

painterman

Yes, we probably all feel that, but you need to be asking yourself whether this is the relationship you can live with, it probably isn't the same one you first entered into!
Do you think he is aware how unhappy his behaviour makes you? in my experience the drinker might be aware-but the bottle still gets first priority.
You should try Al Anon, and respect yourself and your own wishes-they are the healthy priorities! Good luck

dandelion75

I guess I'm wondering...will going to Al-Anon help to give me the strength to do what I need to do? Is that what it does. I go to a therapist. I have been going for a while but feel stuck. We both know that this is not best for me. But for some reason I cannot walk away. It's hard to even describe the feelings that come along with the idea of not being with him any longer. They are truly frightening. Anyway, thank you again for all of your help. I feel completely alone. And weak. I'm so disappointed in myself.

GoneMadinAustin

I think that Al-Anon will give YOU back to YOU. Restore your belief in yourself and work your way back to restoring your trust and faith not only in yourself but in others. It will help you to identify healthy behaviors in YOU as well as others and help you avoid those people and behaviors that don't contribute to your highest good.

One of the consequences of my being involved with an addict is that I became disappointed in myself in MANY ways. I felt bad I couldn't save her, I felt bad I allowed myself to sink to such a level and tolerated holistically bad treatment in the name of love. Possibly in the beginning it was love but it became extreme co-dependence, which al-anon is helping with. I felt weak too because I gave ALL that I had to the addict. I couldn't feel strong because I gave EVERYTHING and anything that I didn't give was STOLEN. Addicts and addictions are thieves that steal anything and everything of value. Money, trust, faith, self-respect, love, fidelity...

DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP. YOU'VE TAKEN ENOUGH OF AN EMOTIONAL, MENTAL, FINANCIAL BEATING. BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF. YOU DESERVE THAT.

You're NOT alone. Just read up!! Look at all the comments and support you have received and will CONTINUE to receive.

LanceLink

Dandelion, you are not alone many of us have struggled and do struggle with those fears. I can tell you that as you work on yourself those fears go away...weak? disappointed? I don't think so...taking that 1st step is a sign of strength; continuing your journey will lead to so many wonderful things.

Sending positive energy your way...

Willybluedog

It's ok, many of us have been through this, my ex treated me terribly, verbally and physically abusive, cheated on me and yet I was afraid of the unknown, I stayed and put up with the abuse.

Now I wonder what was wrong with me, why did'nt I listen to the people around me who spoke the truth, I felt like I came out of a fog once she was finally gone.


Many times I thought about killing myself, the only reason I di not do it was because I knew how much it would hurt the people who loved me the most.

I got into therapy and started treatment for depression, that really made a huge difference in how I viewed the world.

Please don't give up on yourself, I know it hurt so bad some days that I could not get out of bed, but it gets better, I met a wonderful woman who loves me, I now have two amazing kids, even though I had a terrible auto accident and I live with chronic pain I still have the most wonderful blessed life, every day above ground is a win for me!

You can do this, it will get better, there is beauty all around you but you have to decide to let in into your heart, please try....I promise you it will be worth it!

dandelion75

Hi again, and thank you all so much for all the advice, kind words and understanding. I went to my first meeting on Wedenesday and my second last night. I'm praying that this is what I need. I'm so emotional and lost that's it's hard to feel better. I'm just literally so desperate that I think that it's the only thing I have right now. It's funny, I tried to put up boundaries with my boyfriend saying that certain treatment is not ok and if he's going to do it I can't be around him. Well, everything seemed to have gotten turned around onto me. And he now says he doesn't want to be with me anymore. And I'm a mess. How does that happen? All I want is to be with him. And I don't understand why. I feel like such a loser.

nodaybut2day

Hi dandelion,

I'm so glad you came back AND that you went to two Al-Anon meetings. Keep going! I think the usual recommendation is to attend at least 6 meetings before seeing if it's for you. In my case, I skipped around a bunch of meetings for a while, mostly because it was hard to find one where I could bring a nursing baby, but everyone was super understanding and someone even took her for me a few times.

I remember that feeling of desperation when I contemplated ending my marriage. I felt like I couldn't function, like I had something compressing my chest, preventing me from breathing. During those days, I posted on SR A LOT. Like every hour. I also went to the chat room a lot and attended online Al-Anon meetings when I couldn't get to the face to face ones.

I know it sounds trite to say this, but it will pass. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, time marches on, whether you're crying or not. You have no choice about it...what you do have a choice about is how you'll live that time. It's ok to grieve. Heck it's plain normal to do so. So grieve. Allow yourself to feel the pain, to be angry, frustrated,...listen to some appropriate music, have lots of "cry on the shoulder" lunch dates with friends and family...now is the time to reach out and get some support. On top of my regular counsellor, I also had an over-the-phone counsellor call me from my work's EAP...it really helped.

You can get through this. No one ever died from being uncomfortable.

Post and read as much as you need. SR is always open.