alchihubby

Hello,

My husband is an alcholic. We have been battling this disease for pretty much our whole relationship. It has been hell. I believed all the promises because I truely felt he was sincere...and I wanted to believe them.
He pretty much hit rock bottom a few weeks ago and went into an inpatient rehab. He's been home for a couple of weeks and is doing fantastic. He hasn't had anything to drink in a month. He has been doing everything right and is back to the man I fell in love with. Great husband and wonderful father to our toddler.

Here's the problem...I think I have put a wall up as a defense mechanism for all the pain he put me through with his drinking and can't seem to break it down. I dont feel the same way about him as I used to. I dont know if this will just take time or what but it really scares me that our marriage will end. I am in therapy and talk about this in great detail but it's not helping so far. What's worse is there is another man who has been interested in me for a while who (during all this) informed me of his feelings. I havent cheated on my husband physically but I feel that I am drawn to this other man emotionally.
I dont want to end my marriage and break up my family. In an ideal world we would move on from the past and become the happy family we were meant to be. I just dont know how to make my heart catch up to my head.
Any thoughts, advice, insight....?

Thanks...

akrasia

Give yourself time. It may be that you've been through too much and can't move forward with him---or maybe not. It's still really early days, too early to make great big decisions. Just take things easy and enjoy the small things.

Re: the other guy. A guy who swooped in on you, "informing you of his feelings" and basically making a move whilst your husband was in rehab and your family was in crisis--what an opportunistic jerk. Not a good guy at all. No matter what happens with your husband, stay away from that vulture.

Charon

I agree with akrasia. It will take time. You have been through a lot and heard a lot of unkept promises. It will take a lot of kept promises to begin to erase that. As far as the predator - I wouldn't trust him as far as I could spit into a 90 mile an hour wind.

laurie6781

You know, in AA we tell the Alcoholic,

"No MAJOR CHANGES the first year."

And .............................. I am now hearing it a lot more in Alanon.

He is in in VERY EARLY RECOVERY. It can take a year to two years to REALLY start to see the person the Alcoholic is, not the one he/she wants you to think he/she is.

As to your 'friend' well that is up to you, no judgements here, however, I do believe that after these many years of 'he!!' you have been through and 'doing it all' with no help, some attention from someone that shows compassion can be very conforting.

As to how you are feeling right now about your relationship with your H:

You are ANGRY, HURT, FRUSTRATED, and JUST PLUM WORN OUT.

None of this happened overnight or a few months and it will not be 'fixed' overnight or in a few months. Therapists are not 'miracle workers' and 'therapy' requires an extreme amount of HARD WORK on our own part.

Please give yourself time. Step back from your H for the next months, watch HIS ACTIONS to see if they 'match' his words, allow him to figure this one out on his own, and you 'work on you.'

Please hold off on 'jumping from the frying pan into the fire' and instead keep posting here, letting us know how YOU are doing, asking questions, crying, venting, ranting, raving, and yes even laughing.

You see we have been where you are and we do care how you are doing, very much.

Love and hugs,

Bernadette

Can you give AlAnon a try? I really needed those tools to break my bad habits of mind and to not remain a remote untrusting cynical person! Focus on your own recovery from codependency!

Peace,
B

KittyP

Do you and your husband have any sex life? I ask because my husband and I had a pretty much non-existent sex life while he was drinking, because (a) he was always passed out and (b) who would be attracted to that. It took a while for us to revive our sex life after he stopped drinking.

But the thing is that having regular enjoyable sex with your partner is a vital part of maintaining love in a relationship. Without it our brains don't activate the correct chemicals that keep us in love.

I'm not suggesting that you jump back into a full on sexual partnership if that is currently not how your relationship is. But starting by improving your levels of physical intimacy and building from there as you feel ready could be very helpful in reviving you feelings. Hand holding, cuddling in front of the tv, just kissing more often and for a little longer each time could restart your old feelings for him.