jOSE2

Hi Trintosmile-
I'm 62 years,life in the old dog as they say, Just knew I was worth more than that.
I'm busy working on me,and I'm begining to like me now,to know also I'm worth a better life.,even if it means being on my own.

It takes us all time and we do it in our own time and when were ready,as they say "when your ready,your ready"

laurie6781

Many of us here have been working on ourselves for a while. Some a short while and some a LONG while <g>

What most of us have figured out is that we do not NEED a him or her on our arm to be whole or to have 'self worth.'

Once I figured that one out and continued to do things by myself, for myself, etc I started to change inside. As my insides were changing I was drawing/attracting a different kind of person to me. Now some still set up 'red flags' some did not.

So yes there are some WONDERFUL people out there to spend my time and my life with.

You have decide for YOU whether this life you are living is 'acceptable' to you with this person who is an active alcoholic, a liar, possibly a thief and a cheater.

I think your 'fear' of the unknown is what is holding you back and keeping you in this relationship. J M H O

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Love and hugs,

GettingBy

Hi there and welcome!!

I stayed with my alcoholic husband for 10 years. I knew right from the beginning that his drinking was a problem for me - but I told myself all sorts of lies to make it "okay." I said things like, "Oh, we're young! He'll out grow it!", "He didn't mean to get that drunk - it just happened!" "If I hadn't done x,y,z, he wouldn't have done that!" As the years went on, my boundaries got more and more flexible. I found myself tolerating (and sometimes even justifying!) very unacceptable stuff. What that did to me was destroy my self-esteem and sense of self worth. I began to believe that *this life* was the best that I could have. I began to blame myself for our problems (which included alcoholism, verbal/emotional/physical abuse, adultery).

I think Laurie hit the nail on the head for me.... and why I stayed in my situation..

By the grace of god, I finally dragged myself back to Al-anon this spring. I started working my recovery program - which includes two meetings a week, a sponsor, and weekly appointment with a counselor who specializes in addiction! I got stronger and healthier. And began to see just how "attached" I was to my AH. I have learned to see myself as an individual again. I can see the unacceptable behavior as actually being UNACCEPTABLE again! Because I see how unhealthy and toxic we were together... I am able to finally move forward and out of the marriage.

Give Al-anon a try... focus on you and life will get better!
Thanks for letting me share!
Shannon

Tuffgirl

Mr. SponsorPants: An alcoholic's biography in 40 words

I love this blog! Maybe this will help you understand your situation a little better. He's not thinking of you at all because he is only thinking of himself. It's an unfortunate side effect of active addiction.

Chances are highly likely he won't change anytime soon - so maybe you should?

Bernadette

Does this become OUR norm if we choose to stay?

Yes!

I mean could it be that I overreact? He says I do.

Look up the term "gaslighting."

I'm just trying to find a way to accept this behavior so that I don't have to make huge decisions I don't know that I'll ever be ready for.

The past is gone YOU are FREE in this moment.

Peace,
B

tryintosmile

OMG - a revelation - I think I want him to hurt me SO bad (emotionally)that he can't hurt me anymore. That I simply won't care. Then I will be numb to all of the pain and can get on living my own life. I feel I must be numb to my emotions in order to be strong and I've given it 15 years. I used to be afraid of a lot more than I am now. Does that even make sense?

tryintosmile

Thanks - almost sounds too simple, but I WILL read some more of this blog. I doubt my A will ever get well enough to be able to do this type of thinking. He's too busy being the boss of his own little world ...

SoloMio

You asked if other people have this experience. Count me in! Absolutely my husband can lasso more women in one fell swoop than I have ever seen. And whenever I simply make a comment or don't like his behavior, he says, like a mantra, "Women LOVE me!! You're the ONLY one who doesn't like me!" Pure deflection. Instead of addressing my feelings, he has to bolster himself up with this Austin Powers image he has of himself.

To answer your question, you're the only one who can accept his behavior. I think a lot of "normies" would absolutely think it's unacceptable for him to play around with those kinds of behaviors and feelings, and not give a thought to your feelings. He's playing you like a cat with a ball of yarn in my opinion.

fedup3

tryingtosmile, why on earth are you still with him?

jOSE2

I found this site last week, its pulled me back big time (think my HP did that for me!) gosh did I need it ,really on a scary trip last week, and I can go back there even after being in Al-anon for quite a few years now,(had a little slip) reading posts and stickies and lots of other things has really helped, and Tryingtosmile your last post - Great ! I think there's some great people on this site-get you back into today

Freedom1990

Would I accept it?

No.

fedup3

Why do you stay? Even comfortable worn out old slippers need to be replaced, they're not good for your feet!

tryintosmile

Well - I really have to think about that one because the answer is not so simple (or maybe it is to people who have gotten away from the insanity). He actually is (or pretends to be) a caring person. He's the only partner I've ever had (and I've had many in my younger years) who seems to pay attention to me, what I think, how I'm feeling - just generally where I'm at - on a daily basis. I know that sounds crazy and his actions would prove that he may not care, but he often knows what will make me feel better when I'm not feeling well. He will do nice little things for me that I'm not expecting. He actually really knows me and pays attention to who I am. He always tells me he love me. He tells me I'm beautiful and the most intelligent woman he's ever known. All things that no 'normie' in my life ever did. Is it all talk? Some of it - for sure - but does it keep me here? Yes - I guess it does. That's the kind side of him, peppered with the angry, mean spirited person he can become. I hate to admit that I might love him - that's a real scary thought. I get pretty jealous, but I know jealousy is not love.

fedup3

I understand where you're coming from on how he can make you feel, I've been there. My xah also told me how beautiful I was, how intelligent I was, I believed all of it and sat in a hell for years because where there's not FRUIT (actions) words are as empty as reciting the abc's to me. Now tell me apart from words how does he show you he loves you.

jOSE2

I went and read DV and chemical abuse- got prespective

lillamy

I agree that the question is not would anyone else accept this -- the question (which you are really asking yourself) is "Why am I accepting this?"

You are worth better.

nodaybut2day

If you were to put the "good" of your relationship up on a scale against the "bad", which side of the scale would tip?

IMO, it's that simple. The fact that you remain with this person because he makes you feel intelligent/special/beautiful and is attentive, all the while being dismissive to your feelings and gaslighting you for all he's worth, is a good indication that there's a hole inside that you are attempting to fill...with him. IMO, no one can fill that hole inside except yourself. That way, it's a lot easier to refuse the unacceptable.

tryintosmile

Yes - true enough. Why am I? Because I'm so stuck and so fearful of striking out and starting a new life. I feel as though I'd rather find a way to endure this one. I was hoping that others have gone through this sort of behavior and have found a way not to let it destroy them, as it has done to me. I'm getting better at numb, though ...

wellnowwhat

The reasons you cite for staying read like the sticky on abuse; how they counter unacceptable behaviour with calculated shows of affection to keep you hooked. They know how to do an effective "hook" because they have studied you for soft spots and know how to have maximum effect. It is a blow to our self-esteem (if we have any left) to think the "love" we are shown is a cold, calculated move to maintain the relationship for their convenience and ego.

Without these tokens of affection, wouldn't you be long gone?

It isn't easy to make a change. Their goal is to make it like that, to undermine your confidence, to make you think maybe you're wrong, to make you think this is all you deserve.

Sending you kind thoughts!

tryintosmile

Well he can be SO bad - yet he can also be SO good. They really are extremes though, so there is a strange balance. Not likely a healthy one though. Yes I do have a hole, but I'm afraid it's a black hole. I don't even think I can fill it - sad to say but I guess I'm one of those 'lost causes'