Juliagoolia

Hello my family. I have missed you. I want to say that I have still had zero contact!! I think it has now been 2 weeks and I couldn't be more proud. For those who are new, well I am also but let me tell you clarity comes with time. Its those quiet moments where I reflect back, not reminiscing, but think back on the past 2 years and it makes me sad I know 2 years is nothing to some o you also I know how different it is to have the A be your husband I know its different I have been married so I dont want to discount any of you. I am sad that I allowed myself to think that I could change someone, that "they loved me", that if I did my best always he would see and fix his life. BS BS BS BS. As many lies as my XAB told me I told just as many to myself. Now I am not cured I cried 2 days ago when I got a wedding invite in the mail addressed to both of us. But honestly how refreshing will it be to go somewhere and not have to babysit or monitor a grown man. I have still been upset over the fact that he hasn't called me either but then I realize that he is ashamed, he is ashamed of himself and that it not only one of the reasons that he drinks but it causes him to turn that shame into blame. For today I want to live for today. Not for what could have been or what has already happened. I am not a victim. I allowed him to abuse me over and over. I had many chances to get out of that relationship but my head was so far up my tushy I didn't think to take care of myself. I have been worried about the affect that this relationship has had on my daughter, and I thank God each day he never once saw his craziness but she does know that I love him and that he has a drinking problem. She is proud of me for 1.Being strong enough to leave. 2.Having a heart and giving him chances 3. Learning from my mistakes. Anyway now I am rambling. I had a dream a few nights ago and it was my grandfather he was the most amazing man I have ever known. In my dream he told me that KNOW one who loves me and wants the best for me would ever put me down, lie to me, a month after breaking up be in another relationship and so on..so true. Love doesn't keep you up at night, make you cry day after day. Make you feel worthless. WE decide our future well and our HP. But its our choice like all of you have told me. So I today am letting go. Again this doesn't mean I do not love the sober man he is. But I am not ever going to solve the problem. I can pray and love from far far far away. His mother has been amazing towards me as well shes the one who tells me DO NOT call him and I listen. It is not to punish him or be manipulative as long as I continue to reach out to him until hes sober he will continue to use me. Anyway So I have had an amazing chance to go camping for a week. No phones no computers, just mother nature and me and good friends. I will be back in a week and look so forward to healing with the stars and the redwoods. I have faith I have more faith in myself today then I have ever had in my entire life. I always say this but I adore this family and thank you for all your support. I cannot wait to come back and see how all of you are doing. Have a wonderful weekend and a Happy Halloween,,,
Julia

Looking4Lotus

wow... I hope to feel this way one day... thank you...

Juliagoolia

You will I promise...I have good and bad days. Today!!! is a good day. So much better then fighting,stressing,lying,being attacked. You have to know in your heart that none of this is caused, controlled our cured by you. Trust me I am worried about the what ifs. I am worried he may die, hurt himself or hurt someone else but Its no longer my problem. I enabled him way too much. I just know I am worth it. I know that there is someone out there who is going to be kind,gentle,loving and honest totally trumps all the crap from before. So just have faith it takes time for everyone. You will be in my prayers.

shawty80

thank you for this post, julia. you are showing amazing strength! hope you have a FANTASTIC camping trip. sounds peaceful, relaxing, and lots of fun.

TakingCharge999

OMG you are doing so much better than how I was doing. In fact to me it took 5 thousand posts to get where you are LOL ! I am so proud of you for keeping the No contact ! and yes IT IS WONDERFUL NOT TO HAVE TO BABYSIT ANYONE, be a free agent, LIVE ...

It hurts when I realize XABF did not care about me but now I use this fact as another reason why I am a smart woman and decided I was worth more that misery... for me, it was misery.. the good times, the good person, the good friend I will always miss in my heart but that person is gone and I have a new day to live, for me.. we are worth it, Julia...

Hugs, and more hugs, you have gone through the worst already, it will only get better.

neferkamichael

Julia, thank you so much for this post. I'm a year and 4 months sober and 45 off crack. Most post strike a cord and then some really hit home. As I've reviewed my post for a while now I've been saying I really dont know whats wrong with me, I'm straight but I dont feel good. I probably dont feel good because I keep saying I dont fell good. Staying sober/straight is important but its not all there is to living. AA has helped my stay sober and sober recovery is helping me stay straight. Perhaps I'm expecting more than that.
Yea, Julia get positive. I need to get off me arse and do more. Thanks for this post
Life, Health, Prosperity Julia
neferkamichael