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Communications during Recovery?

Old 10-26-2011, 05:32 PM
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Skipper
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Communications during Recovery?

Ok, so now that my RABF is at the 120 day mark, and I'm at my one-year, I realize that we are still tip-toeing around certain conversations.

It is more natural for me to just talk about things but I have learned not to let my feelings lead my conversations all the time. ABF seems hesitant to try the 'tougher' conversations with me. Some subjects include our individual plans for ourselves. For instance, I just got accepted into a new program at school and while he's happy for me, he seems scared of more 'change'.

Also, he's staying at his brother's through the holidays, and I feel ok about that most of the time, trusting my HP is handling this. Sometimes, though, I want to see him make an effort to 'get on with life'. I feel impatient about moving forward.

Does anyone have experience with this? Can anyone share what has worked for them?

I am a person who likes to grab life with enthusiastic hands and embrace it. Am I waiting for something that's making me hold back? Is that good for me?
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Old 10-26-2011, 05:47 PM
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Skipper - he's got a loooong way to go, and maybe a few starts and stops, and maybe, like mine, an ultimate decision to end the relationship regardless. Ya know - the old timers at AA told me (and a few in Al-Anon as well) that true change can take several years - yes YEARS - for the addict/alcoholic.

What worked for me was to get on with my life anyway. I never stopped living and doing things that mattered to me and made me feel human. I didn't let him or his feelings stop me from meeting my own needs, and he definitely acted threatened by my life choices.

Your final question - well - I think I came to the conclusion that I was waiting for someone who simply wasn't, and that wasn't fair to either of us. When it finally clicked for me that it is ok to simply say this is not meant to be, other paths began to open up for me. Only you can decide, but I caution you to focus more on how YOU feel, versus what he is doing.

Good luck!
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Old 10-26-2011, 06:00 PM
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He is just a newbie to recovery, why are you putting your life on hold for him?

"I am a person who likes to grab life with enthusiastic hands and embrace it."

Then do so, if he can remain sober/clean for a year or longer, then and only then, if it fits into your life, at that time, then you may consider reuniting with him.

Don't put your life on hold for him, he is not a relaible, stable individual.
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Old 10-27-2011, 06:24 AM
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Thank you for reminding me of all this. I have been really focused on my own recovery and really leaving his path to him, so I didn't really even think of where he might be. Does that make sense? I'm *this* far. There's no stopping me now!!
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Old 10-27-2011, 06:36 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
well, this is either the best he can do right now, or the most he is willing to do right now. either way, it is what it is. this is him, 4 whole months sober. i don't recall enough of the particulars, but is he working?

its quite possible you two just are not compatible in enough areas - you move forward and seize life, and he seems to avoid it. your way is different than his way.

keep putting one foot in front of the other on YOUR path....he'll either be there nearby on his own path or not.
No, he has not started a job outside the home there in that state. He did begin his at-home business again, so he is producing some income. The area where they live is very remote and it's an hour drive to any commercial area. The remote area is what has helped him, I think. He's had no accessibility to his previous 'haunts'.

His plan is to return here after the holidays.
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Old 10-27-2011, 06:58 AM
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Skipper, congrats on where you are now in your recovery and being open to ask the tough questions.

Where I'm at now is I am willing to give my AW time to work her recovery and get her life together and to develop a new relationship with her. But as I told her when I went to see her therapist with her, is that I love her, our marriage is broken beyond repair and I will never put myself in a position to be hurt like that again.

That is my boundary. I will never live with an alcoholic again, recovered or not.

Your friend,
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Old 10-27-2011, 09:20 AM
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You are 100% correct: grab all the opportunities that come along, like the new school program. I've been sober 20 years and it takes years to change. It takes at least a year to feel comfortable in your new (sober) skin. You are two people on separate paths and no one can know what will happen next week, next year. Follow your own path and enjoy!
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