Detachment pain...looking for guidance
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Detachment pain...looking for guidance
Why does detachment have to be so difficult? Even hearing or seeing the word brings to mind painful images of amputation. I work at this every day through Al-Anon meetings, Al-Anon literature, journaling, therapy, reading books about codependency and detachment, and every day it seems to get harder.
For reasons that come along with the disease, my ABF had to move back to his family several months ago, and is now living half way across the country. We stayed committed to our relationship and love over the distance and kept our shared vision for our future. The problem: he has recently asked me for a “break” from the relationship. The result: 6 weeks of unhealthy, codependent, obsessive thoughts and behaviors and a complete mental and physical breakdown on my part. I don’t have a problem being alone. I don’t NEED to be in a relationship and have gone through long periods without having one. However, despite having lived with him actively drinking this past year and realizing how difficult life got for us, I cannot shake the reality that my ABF is an amazing human being that I love dearly and still very much desire a future with. My ABF never once said anything demeaning to me while drinking or otherwise. Even when we would argue over his drinking and I felt at my wit’s end with him and we were struggling in our relationship, I would overhear him on the phone with his mother saying something really positive about me, like how he is proud of me for a recent accomplishment, or how he loved the dinner I cooked the night before, etc. I’m not at all diminishing his severity of his disease. It took quite a physical and cognitive toll on him, and an emotional toll on me.
So 6 weeks ago I delved myself into the world of Al-Anon to help me start focusing on myself. I’ve even found a full weekend-long Al-Anon retreat to attend to really immerse myself in starting my own path to recovery. Yet, I cannot stop worrying about my future with my ABF. I understand that he has asked me for a break – that our relationship, while he said was not a huge stressor in his life, is something that he cannot emotionally participate in right now and has asked for time and space to be selfish and self-centered as he works on saving his life. I really respect that and it is only out of my love for him that I’ve been able to endure this but it’s been excruciating to say the least. I’ve had weak moments and have contacted him on several occasions. The first time was 2 weeks after he asked for a break when I saw that he took his relationship status off his facebook profile and I wanted to make sure we were still on the same page. Yes, we are still on a break; not broken up. We had text a few times (initiated by me) and his responses are short and almost cold. I have also written him a short, fun-spirited letter. He has not made an attempt to contact me in any way.
This got the better of me recently and I spoke with his mother last week to get an update. Yes…I know I need to not be concerned about his recovery and just focus on my own. And, yes, this is indicative of my struggle to detach. His mother indicated that he was caught drinking a couple weekends ago and that he has since recommitted to working his program with his sponsor. She told me that she asks him about me often, if we’ve talked recently, and he will tell her nonchalantly that he hasn’t heard from me recently. She said he does bring me up from time to time, such as commenting on my cooking and how much he misses it. He even commented to her that he received the “sweetest letter” from me a couple weeks ago. Yet, he has not contacted me.
I have come to not expect a response from him and I’m okay with that right now. He’s asked me for this space and time because he cannot give this to me right now. Out of respect of this boundary, I’ve asked him if it bothers him when I tell him that I love him, or say things like that and he told me it doesn’t bother him at all. There is a part of me that feels the need to let him know that I love him even if he cannot reciprocate. That feels important to me right now.
This weekend would be our 2nd anniversary together. We met before this disease struck him. He does not have a history or family history of addiction. It does not define us and I hope that we can both recover and live successful, fulfilling lives together. I have a simple yet poignant anniversary card and a small letter that I’m debating whether or not to send along to him. While I don’t want to disrespect his wishes and bring our relationship to the forefront when he’s asked for the freedom to focus on his recovery, I also don’t want to just fade away. Any thoughts on how to navigate this? Additionally, any thoughts on how you work on detaching?
For reasons that come along with the disease, my ABF had to move back to his family several months ago, and is now living half way across the country. We stayed committed to our relationship and love over the distance and kept our shared vision for our future. The problem: he has recently asked me for a “break” from the relationship. The result: 6 weeks of unhealthy, codependent, obsessive thoughts and behaviors and a complete mental and physical breakdown on my part. I don’t have a problem being alone. I don’t NEED to be in a relationship and have gone through long periods without having one. However, despite having lived with him actively drinking this past year and realizing how difficult life got for us, I cannot shake the reality that my ABF is an amazing human being that I love dearly and still very much desire a future with. My ABF never once said anything demeaning to me while drinking or otherwise. Even when we would argue over his drinking and I felt at my wit’s end with him and we were struggling in our relationship, I would overhear him on the phone with his mother saying something really positive about me, like how he is proud of me for a recent accomplishment, or how he loved the dinner I cooked the night before, etc. I’m not at all diminishing his severity of his disease. It took quite a physical and cognitive toll on him, and an emotional toll on me.
So 6 weeks ago I delved myself into the world of Al-Anon to help me start focusing on myself. I’ve even found a full weekend-long Al-Anon retreat to attend to really immerse myself in starting my own path to recovery. Yet, I cannot stop worrying about my future with my ABF. I understand that he has asked me for a break – that our relationship, while he said was not a huge stressor in his life, is something that he cannot emotionally participate in right now and has asked for time and space to be selfish and self-centered as he works on saving his life. I really respect that and it is only out of my love for him that I’ve been able to endure this but it’s been excruciating to say the least. I’ve had weak moments and have contacted him on several occasions. The first time was 2 weeks after he asked for a break when I saw that he took his relationship status off his facebook profile and I wanted to make sure we were still on the same page. Yes, we are still on a break; not broken up. We had text a few times (initiated by me) and his responses are short and almost cold. I have also written him a short, fun-spirited letter. He has not made an attempt to contact me in any way.
This got the better of me recently and I spoke with his mother last week to get an update. Yes…I know I need to not be concerned about his recovery and just focus on my own. And, yes, this is indicative of my struggle to detach. His mother indicated that he was caught drinking a couple weekends ago and that he has since recommitted to working his program with his sponsor. She told me that she asks him about me often, if we’ve talked recently, and he will tell her nonchalantly that he hasn’t heard from me recently. She said he does bring me up from time to time, such as commenting on my cooking and how much he misses it. He even commented to her that he received the “sweetest letter” from me a couple weeks ago. Yet, he has not contacted me.
I have come to not expect a response from him and I’m okay with that right now. He’s asked me for this space and time because he cannot give this to me right now. Out of respect of this boundary, I’ve asked him if it bothers him when I tell him that I love him, or say things like that and he told me it doesn’t bother him at all. There is a part of me that feels the need to let him know that I love him even if he cannot reciprocate. That feels important to me right now.
This weekend would be our 2nd anniversary together. We met before this disease struck him. He does not have a history or family history of addiction. It does not define us and I hope that we can both recover and live successful, fulfilling lives together. I have a simple yet poignant anniversary card and a small letter that I’m debating whether or not to send along to him. While I don’t want to disrespect his wishes and bring our relationship to the forefront when he’s asked for the freedom to focus on his recovery, I also don’t want to just fade away. Any thoughts on how to navigate this? Additionally, any thoughts on how you work on detaching?
Well, the only way to successfully detach is to...detach. No phone calls to him or his mother, no letters or cards. You say you want to respect his wishes for a break, so do so. I know that sounds harsh, but I don't know how else to say it. The more contact you have with him or anything having to do with him, the more often you rip the scab off the wound. You'll never heal that way.
While you are hoping for a future together, he may not be hoping for that at all. At this point, he wants to focus on his own life and needs for you to respect that. If it is meant for the two of you to be together, it will happen, but you can't force anything. It's good that you are involved with alanon, but it isn't likely to help you much if you keep making contact with him.
He may or may not be the one you end up with, but again, it isn't anything you can force to happen. Let life unfold as it should.
While you are hoping for a future together, he may not be hoping for that at all. At this point, he wants to focus on his own life and needs for you to respect that. If it is meant for the two of you to be together, it will happen, but you can't force anything. It's good that you are involved with alanon, but it isn't likely to help you much if you keep making contact with him.
He may or may not be the one you end up with, but again, it isn't anything you can force to happen. Let life unfold as it should.
My big focus in the detachment department is this: I am powerless over anyone else but myself. There is no point worrying, thinking, pondering, obsessing about someone else's actions and decisions, because in the end, I cannot influence them. I find it restful to be able to sit back and say "not my business", even about the people closest to me. I can listen, if asked to, I can offer commiseration and support, if asked to, but beyond that, there's really nothing I can do.
Yes, it's hard. You're changing your habits and mental patterns. There's bound to be resistance, confusion and a feeling of loss. I read someplace (probably on the internet!) that it takes two weeks to develop new habits. How about taking it two weeks at a time? Start a new habit...like, NOT checking Facebook every day. And NOT calling his mother. Instead, call a good friend, schedule a weekly lunch/coffee date, start a new activity. It'll be hard. And then, gradually, it'll get easier.
Yes, it's hard. You're changing your habits and mental patterns. There's bound to be resistance, confusion and a feeling of loss. I read someplace (probably on the internet!) that it takes two weeks to develop new habits. How about taking it two weeks at a time? Start a new habit...like, NOT checking Facebook every day. And NOT calling his mother. Instead, call a good friend, schedule a weekly lunch/coffee date, start a new activity. It'll be hard. And then, gradually, it'll get easier.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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Thank you all, for your replies. All very insightful and give me things to consider and think about.
I am blessed with a lot of hobbies and try to keep myself busy every moment -- yet staying physically busy has not kept my head and heart out of the emotional quicksand.
Definitely a contraction of things going on here. Anvil, you point out how his words tell me one thing and his actions say another. His mom tells me how he talks about me and mentions how sweet my letters are, yet he does not contact me. It's very hard. I want to trust that he will not leave me hanging. That every day that I do not hear from him is confirmation that we are still on a "break" because he has not indicated to me otherwise. He has not contacted me to officially end this relationship. And I hold onto that and to the hope that we will have a future. I also cannot help but also find hope that he is still thinking of me, as apparent through his discussions with his family. I just can't stand this. This is absolute misery and feels worse than living with him actively drinking.
I am blessed with a lot of hobbies and try to keep myself busy every moment -- yet staying physically busy has not kept my head and heart out of the emotional quicksand.
Definitely a contraction of things going on here. Anvil, you point out how his words tell me one thing and his actions say another. His mom tells me how he talks about me and mentions how sweet my letters are, yet he does not contact me. It's very hard. I want to trust that he will not leave me hanging. That every day that I do not hear from him is confirmation that we are still on a "break" because he has not indicated to me otherwise. He has not contacted me to officially end this relationship. And I hold onto that and to the hope that we will have a future. I also cannot help but also find hope that he is still thinking of me, as apparent through his discussions with his family. I just can't stand this. This is absolute misery and feels worse than living with him actively drinking.
You really don't know the true conversations between him and his family, and, I would not hang my hat on this related verbage.
If he was so enamered by your letters and wanted to have a relationship with you, he would write back.
Try to not play "Lets Pretend", if this relationship is mean't to be, it will happen, without you doing a thing.
Let go, no calling his mother, no writing him, get out with your friends, meet new people, spend time with your family.
Life is too short to spend time obessing about someone who is not emotionally available.
My best to you,
If he was so enamered by your letters and wanted to have a relationship with you, he would write back.
Try to not play "Lets Pretend", if this relationship is mean't to be, it will happen, without you doing a thing.
Let go, no calling his mother, no writing him, get out with your friends, meet new people, spend time with your family.
Life is too short to spend time obessing about someone who is not emotionally available.
My best to you,
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Join Date: May 2010
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I am so sorry that you are feeling so incredibly sad.
I have been where you are, and all I can tell you is that it does get easier, and better...no contact at all is really the way to go.
If it is meant to be, then it will be, and you cannot make it so.
Sometimes, the thing we don't want to happen turns out to be the very best thing that ever could have happened.
Take care of you...one day at a time. Leave him to his own struggle...
I have learned that my greatest happiness is inside of me, not dependent on another person at all...give yourself the time and space to heal, and heal we all must from the effects of this terrible disease. As you can see, it makes us question our own sanity.
Time and your own program of recovery will give you the clarity that you cannot possibly have when dealing with an active or even a new to recovery alcoholic.
Keep reading and posting.
Hugs
I have been where you are, and all I can tell you is that it does get easier, and better...no contact at all is really the way to go.
If it is meant to be, then it will be, and you cannot make it so.
Sometimes, the thing we don't want to happen turns out to be the very best thing that ever could have happened.
Take care of you...one day at a time. Leave him to his own struggle...
I have learned that my greatest happiness is inside of me, not dependent on another person at all...give yourself the time and space to heal, and heal we all must from the effects of this terrible disease. As you can see, it makes us question our own sanity.
Time and your own program of recovery will give you the clarity that you cannot possibly have when dealing with an active or even a new to recovery alcoholic.
Keep reading and posting.
Hugs
You have to want to detach because your life is unmanageable in its current state. That's the key to successful detachment. It isn't about honoring his wishes - its about doing what is best for you.
It doesn't sound like you want to just yet, and that's ok too. Grief is a process.
Hang in there.
~T
It doesn't sound like you want to just yet, and that's ok too. Grief is a process.
Hang in there.
~T
Ask yourself why you are willing to settle for crumbs. Why should you just wait around until he deigns to talk to you? For me, the issue would be pride . . . and to transform the sadness into righteous anger . . . who does he think he is to leave you hanging . . . that's just me, but I would not feel good about myself if I was just waiting, waiting to see if someone REALLY wants me or not - F that!
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Seek, Yes - I'm waiting for a little of that anger to help me through this. Not that I want to be angry, either, but I understand that I'm going through grief. I've also just come out of a very difficult year of being completely enmeshed in his disease and losing myself in the process. I moved away from family and friends, so I felt very isolated from my support system. I also kept myself isolated socially because staying in with my ABF was easier than going out with people I was meeting and being put in difficult or embarrassing circumstances through my ABF's drinking. In the past few months I've been getting myself out there any making friends and that has been great, and fun! But when it comes to my situation in regards to sitting around waiting for him to decide...I simply feel sadness right now. I know that this whole situation has caused me to develop low self esteem and self worth, and I'm sure as I continue on in my recovery, I will get to the point of being able to say F this, and feel a little bit angry. I'm just not there yet. Still trying to figure out this detachment thing. Still trying to remember to breathe, eat, sleep, etc. One moment at a time. I've been in similar situations when a BF has tried to put the relationship on a break and I've totally bailed because I saw they were doing it for BS reasons. They weren't alcoholics, and I was working with a healthier mind and sense of self and wasn't about to put myself through that. Right now, I can't help but feel that my ABF has a good reason to ask to focus on himself - to save his life. I also feel like I can't hurry him through this process and force him to figure out whether or not he can manage to be in a relationship any time soon. It's hard to know how to navigate this.
Thank you for your thoughts. I was able to muster some anger towards him for a couple of hours and that seemed to help tremendously in being able to detach momentarily. Being able to detach for a few hours took the pain away. That was a great day!
Thank you for your thoughts. I was able to muster some anger towards him for a couple of hours and that seemed to help tremendously in being able to detach momentarily. Being able to detach for a few hours took the pain away. That was a great day!
Seek, Yes - I'm waiting for a little of that anger to help me through this. Not that I want to be angry, either, but I understand that I'm going through grief. I've also just come out of a very difficult year of being completely enmeshed in his disease and losing myself in the process. I moved away from family and friends, so I felt very isolated from my support system. I also kept myself isolated socially because staying in with my ABF was easier than going out with people I was meeting and being put in difficult or embarrassing circumstances through my ABF's drinking. In the past few months I've been getting myself out there any making friends and that has been great, and fun! But when it comes to my situation in regards to sitting around waiting for him to decide...I simply feel sadness right now. I know that this whole situation has caused me to develop low self esteem and self worth, and I'm sure as I continue on in my recovery, I will get to the point of being able to say F this, and feel a little bit angry. I'm just not there yet. Still trying to figure out this detachment thing. Still trying to remember to breathe, eat, sleep, etc. One moment at a time. I've been in similar situations when a BF has tried to put the relationship on a break and I've totally bailed because I saw they were doing it for BS reasons. They weren't alcoholics, and I was working with a healthier mind and sense of self and wasn't about to put myself through that. Right now, I can't help but feel that my ABF has a good reason to ask to focus on himself - to save his life. I also feel like I can't hurry him through this process and force him to figure out whether or not he can manage to be in a relationship any time soon. It's hard to know how to navigate this.
Thank you for your thoughts. I was able to muster some anger towards him for a couple of hours and that seemed to help tremendously in being able to detach momentarily. Being able to detach for a few hours took the pain away. That was a great day!
Thank you for your thoughts. I was able to muster some anger towards him for a couple of hours and that seemed to help tremendously in being able to detach momentarily. Being able to detach for a few hours took the pain away. That was a great day!
Ask yourself if he would wait around for you under the same circumstances . . .if you had to go to rehab, would he be faithfully sitting at home waiting for you - if you gave him no commitment? I highly doubt it.
I tend to think these kinds of dynamics usually can be traced back to your traumas - maybe abandonment issues, etc. I don't know what the actual solution is for you, maybe CHANGE EVERYTHING . . . move your furniture, move your apartment, really shake yourself up so you can wake yourself up . . .not talking "geographic" but real serious change. Start going to the gym or getting out in nature, take a class, really refocus your life so that it is not centered on him and what he is or is not doing . . .
If he really loves you, he will come after you and there will be no question about his motives or his love . . .if there is any question now, I say cut yourself loose and start really living your life. Of course "take what you like . . ."
This is not a judgement, this is an observation: Detachment and separation are not the same thing. It's impossible not to notice how attached you are to your boyfriend. In your entire post you barely talk about what's going on in your life, it's all about what's going on in your boyfriends life. Again, not judging.
Any of us with problems detaching know that our worry about what the object of our attachment is doing, or thinking (or usually what we think they are thinking) not only makes us feel crazy, it makes us feel crappy.
We can separate ourselves...no contact, no calls, moving out, going for a drive or even just leaving the room. But that doesn't stop our destructive thinking.
So the question is: How do we learn to detach?
For me, Al-Anon has been a big help. But other things too. Reading "Codependent No More." Realizing that I'm really not a mind reader and that if I want to know what people are thinking...I actually have to ask them. Meditation. Practicing trying to be more open with people...and getting unexpected positive feedback when I did. Focusing on myself. Learning that "What other people think about me is none of my business."
Al-Anon gave me a platform to build on, but I still had to do the "work" myself. It's not easy, it's hard! I am still a work in progress, but aren't we all? I think I learned that there are no quick fixes. It takes time. Be gentle with yourself.
Best wishes on your journey!
Any of us with problems detaching know that our worry about what the object of our attachment is doing, or thinking (or usually what we think they are thinking) not only makes us feel crazy, it makes us feel crappy.
We can separate ourselves...no contact, no calls, moving out, going for a drive or even just leaving the room. But that doesn't stop our destructive thinking.
So the question is: How do we learn to detach?
For me, Al-Anon has been a big help. But other things too. Reading "Codependent No More." Realizing that I'm really not a mind reader and that if I want to know what people are thinking...I actually have to ask them. Meditation. Practicing trying to be more open with people...and getting unexpected positive feedback when I did. Focusing on myself. Learning that "What other people think about me is none of my business."
Al-Anon gave me a platform to build on, but I still had to do the "work" myself. It's not easy, it's hard! I am still a work in progress, but aren't we all? I think I learned that there are no quick fixes. It takes time. Be gentle with yourself.
Best wishes on your journey!
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