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Today's my wedding anniversary (7mo. after I left)

Old 10-25-2011, 02:22 PM
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Today's my wedding anniversary (7mo. after I left)

I'm feeling really ****** today. It's my wedding anniversary. I haven't even filed the divorce (have the papers, though!)

I'm 34 and I've been spending these last 7 mo. healing and trying to decide what to do next. I really haven't got a proper career together, but I'm having some really serious concentration issues. It's more like I am 24.

I'm feeling particularly robbed because I don't have any children. I know most of the people on this board do. I know most people who are going to have children have had them by now. I am so angry and sad at my Ex that I have been robbed of this very natural and womanly thing to do. I know most people have said that is so much easier and better to not have had children with an Alcoholic, but let me ask you - Would you REALLY give up your children because it was easier to leave your Alcoholic?
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Old 10-25-2011, 02:25 PM
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One thing has nothing to do with the other. If you do not have children with an alcoholic, the only person you have to worry about it yourself. The break can be clean without having to be continually exposed to the alcoholic because of visitation, etc.

It has nothing to do with anyone giving up their children.
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Old 10-25-2011, 03:12 PM
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Oh, RECF, I know that is not easy.

My xH and I divorced in 2001, I was 37 at the time. I, too, mourned what I thought of as the loss of my opportunity to have children. I did go back to school, and remarried in 2009, so I'm now, well, closer to 50 than 40.

I don't believe it's possible for me to have children at this point, but I am glad that I did not have them with my xH. He would have made a terrible father.

At 34, you still have time to begin again.......if that is what you want. But you are the only one who can decide whether a lifetime with an alcoholic just to have children is worth it.

Many hugs, HG
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Old 10-25-2011, 03:14 PM
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I guess I'm not just battling this on the insecurity end. I have so many. Like, I also have no idea what I'm doing with myself, I am not kidding that I am living the life of a 24-yr-old.
I'm trying to get it together, but is 7 mos. a long time or a little to get back on track? I have no idea. I just know that something isn't right. I look around and I am most certainly a MINORITY.
There are some lessons I certainly have missed out on, but I'm not sure which lessons or what lessons they are.
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Old 10-25-2011, 03:29 PM
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One of my biggest problems is concentration... and what I'd love to do is just blame this all on having been in an drug/alcoholic relationship, but it's not that. It goes deeper, because I was into all the avoiding before I ever met him.
At this point, I look at the opportunities I had to leave him earlier, I look at professional opportunities I had while I was with him, or just simply a deficiency in concetration that could have given me the CLARITY to advance myself earlier.
With all the I (haven't) done, you'd swear I was the one with an addiction, but I barely drink a beer a month. I just WASTE time, and spend what other time I have too scared and too insecure to get what I want.
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Old 10-25-2011, 03:32 PM
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@anvilhead

Well, positive changes... yes, I have definitely had some, even a lot. I GOT OUT being the biggest one. I have a closer relationhip with my family is a second one. I didn't stay in a really bad apartment in a bad neighborhood that I had over the summer and I've BEGUN to make and meet new friends.

You're right, that DOES feel better.
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Old 10-25-2011, 03:36 PM
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And then sometimes we can just feel the loss cause it feels like some betrayal. Like : "Didn't he love me enough?" or "To death do us part" and you feel guilty 'cause you couldn't stick it out...
Or, for me, I feel like I missed my chance and I'm too damaged and unsure of myself to start again.
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Old 10-25-2011, 03:44 PM
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Well, I did have children with an alcoholic. I have many regrets. No, I would not give up my children, but if I had it to do over again.............

But, that's the thing, isn't it? You don't get do-overs in life, do you? You get one shot at it. And each day, you start from where you are. No going back, no changing the past, no practice runs. It's like driving a car that has no reverse. It only goes forward. You can spend all your time looking in the rear-view mirror, but that will not likely get you anywhere and might cause you to crash.

L
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Old 10-25-2011, 05:09 PM
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RECF-

I am also 34 (soon to be 35) and made the decision in the first six months of my marriage (when I realized there was a problem with alcohol in my relationship) to not have children with my ex-husband if he did not find sobriety. I was okay with that decision given the nature of my relationship, and no attempts at sobriety. Being a "good girl" leaving the marriage did not occur to me.

Fast forward almost seven years. We are divorced and I am grieving my decision. Don't get me wrong I know not having kids was the right decision in that relationship, but it did not occur to me that the relationship would turn out this way.

I am grieving that it was a boundary I was able to put in place to have it thrown back at me when the drinking escalating and other behaviors entered into our relationship. I am grieving that it might not be something that I get to have in my life. He recently got remarried, and I second guess if he has a "problem" or not. Forgetting that his problem is not to define it is enought that it was a problem for me.

I have gotten a lot of relief in the last 18 mths with turning things over to my HP, but this one is REALLY hard for me to turn over. Most of my friends just this year are having their second children. Most of them turned 35 during the end of their pregnancy so were considered high risk. Their pregnancies and families have stirred up a lot of emotion for me in the last year.

I did make the decision that as long as I was dealing with the emotions and not stuffing them that was all I could ask of myself. There are a lot of emotions to wade through though.

I am 10mths from the divorce, over a year out from seperation. I am no where near ready for another relationship of any kind (and suspect it will take another few years for that to be in place). I am okay with that. I have reconnected with a lot of old friends, am slowly putting new friendships in place too.

I do best when I realize that I might have to think outside the box, and that I have a say and the ability to make decisions for myself. I did not realize that about myself before. In this example that we are both struggling with I might not have "biological" children, but that does not mean that I won't be part of a family. That family might include step-children, adoption, fostering etc. There are probably a lot more situations that I cannot even imagine.

Wow this is long note. I am so glad you posted this as it has been up for me a lot recently.
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Old 10-25-2011, 05:33 PM
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LifeRecovery - Wow! it's like we're dealing with the same things. I also have got to come to grips with the fact that I might not have children. That it's something I may have given up without knowing I had. I also am not near ready to date again. Even if "I still have time," I can't keep that thought in the back of my head, like "Am I ready now? Am I ready now? Because the clock is ticking!"
And that's why I can feel remorseful, and angry, and doubting myself about my decisions - Marriage is supposed to be for life, right?
And now, here I am, 7 mos. out. All my self-righteousness hung out to dry. I am SUCH a mess now, it's not even funny. Like I said, anyone looking in on me now would swear I was the substance abuser. I can't get my work done, I'm avoiding EVERYTHING. It's ridiculous.
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Old 10-25-2011, 05:36 PM
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After I went through my divorce, I found myself questioning everything about my life. Others are born to mid-life crises, I had mine thrust upon me.

What helped me a great deal was individual therapy. It was amazingly helpful to have an objective, outside person tell me whether or not some idea or opinion I held about myself was, in fact, true. It really helped me untangle a lot of swirling emotions and ideas that I endured months after the divorce was final.

I hope you find a path forward that works for you! Hugs, HG
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Old 10-25-2011, 06:03 PM
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I completely understand the whole kid thing! I too am very upset that my STBXAH robbed me from 2.5 years that I could have been starting a family. I am 33. I too have been having a pity party about it. BUT now I filed for divorce and am getting out! I have a cousin who is 39 and pregnant, so I still have hope! If not there is always Invetro! I am done letting him control my life, I want MY life back! I know I sound great today, but one day at a time and I will feel it without effort. I use to think fate it til we make it before I filed for divorce, now I am using that slogan in a different way! He got 2.5 years, but no more!! I keep going to Al-Anon and getting stronger! Hang in there girl!
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Old 10-25-2011, 06:35 PM
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You can have my teenagers. They come with enormous appetites, champagne tastes, future college expenses, hideously high car insurance premiums, boys around every corner, three dogs and a chinchilla, and sleepless nights waiting for the garage door to open at curfew.

I don't regret...what is done is done. But jeez louise I am ready for an empty nest and grandchildren I can send home when they get on my nerves!

And the world if full of children right now who needs loving parents. Your childbirth days may be shorter rather than longer, but your potential to be a parent in the future is wide open. Don't judge yourself 5 minutes before the miracle. Who knows what your future holds?

P.S. PM me if you want my kids.
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Old 10-25-2011, 07:26 PM
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I understand how you are feeling. I'm divorced and in my 30s without kids, and I feel tugs of regret occasionally (divorced last year - wish I hadn't wasted so much time with my ex, who is not an A). But I'm so relieved I did not have kids with *him* Now I've found myself in love with an ABF, and again, it doesn't look like family is in the picture. Ultimately, I do believe these things always work out the way they were supposed to. You have many, many wonderful years full of good things ahead of you!
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Old 10-25-2011, 07:44 PM
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Depending on other people for your own happiness is not healthy behavior. Have you considered counseling? Maybe learning some new strategies for consentration?

How about volunteering somewhere and learning something new and meeting new people? Lord know, there are enough places that would benefit from your time. Being useful is a life saver.
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Old 10-25-2011, 07:55 PM
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outtolunch,
I don't mean to be rude, but I noticed you have kids. Being a woman (which I don't know if you are) and wanting to have kids while she is still able is not the strangest thing.
I think what bothers me most is the pressure of knowing that I'd like to start a family but the reality that I am seriously messed up right now and can't even afford to entertain a fantasy of it. That means I've got to let go of it.
You are blessed to have been able to have the family you have. I hope someday I will find the same joy.
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Old 10-25-2011, 08:01 PM
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I have one child. I was 35 when I had her.

She is the addict in my life.
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Old 10-25-2011, 08:07 PM
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FWIW, I work with a woman who is the same age as me (pushing 50). She was married to an abusive man for many years during her prime child-bearing years. She divorced him and subsequently married a very sweet man who is many years her senior. Over the past few years, her husband retired and they started fostering children who have been removed from their biological families due to abuse and addiction. Just this past week, they adopted two very small children and are over the moon with joy about their new family.

I truly believe the ability to accept what life gives you, even when it's not exactly what you wanted, is the key to happiness. All I ever wanted was the dream of a happy family with kids, pets, a house and growing old together. Had I not been able to let go of that fantasy, I never would have found the life I have now, which is beautifully unconventional and infinitely more fulfilling than the struggle to have things my way ever was.

I second the suggestion for personal therapy. It saved me from a bleak, depressing existence and taught me how to appreciate life in ways I never thought possible.

L
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Old 10-25-2011, 08:08 PM
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I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sending kind and loving thoughts. Thank you for your time in considering my *petty* problems.
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Old 10-25-2011, 08:12 PM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
I truly believe the ability to accept what life gives you, even when it's not exactly what you wanted, is the key to happiness. All I ever wanted was the dream of a happy family with kids, pets, a house and growing old together. Had I not been able to let go of that fantasy, I never would have found the life I have now, which is beautifully unconventional and infinitely more fulfilling than the struggle to have things my way ever was.

L
Yes, I agree with you. This is what I am struggling to accept. This is why I am writing you today. To have the grace to just let go. It is not always easy, though, is it?
And funny, too. I really didn't think I'd be affected by today. I thought: "Oh, it's just another day."
I feel more lost than I did 2mo. after leaving him.
Like I said, I'd love to be able to blame all my bad planning on him, I can't, though. More reason for me to talk about it as much as I can.
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