Today's my wedding anniversary (7mo. after I left)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I struggled until about 4mths after the divorce with focus (about 10 after we started having problems). Then I got really mad. So mad that I could not focus on anything but how mad I was. I have a list of bullet points of all the mad I could get out (it took a couple of days). Then I was able to come back into myself, work got a little easier etc. I still struggle a lot more than I used to though, but have been reassured that this is often a side effect of hte healing process.
I fortunately have a GREAT counselor (I have such a great support team). I was able to work on a number of them with her at the time.
I have found a lot of "normalcy" in reading about Kubler-Ross's stages of grief. They are denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. This cycle it is minus the denial, but without the acceptance. Anger is up again and I think it might be time to buckle down with that anger list again. That is where I am with the relationship part of things....it is moving a little differently about the whole having kids piece.
I fortunately have a GREAT counselor (I have such a great support team). I was able to work on a number of them with her at the time.
I have found a lot of "normalcy" in reading about Kubler-Ross's stages of grief. They are denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. This cycle it is minus the denial, but without the acceptance. Anger is up again and I think it might be time to buckle down with that anger list again. That is where I am with the relationship part of things....it is moving a little differently about the whole having kids piece.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
RECF,
I went through a terrible divorce, I wanted kids so much but my x-wife was worried about her abs, here I was 36 and childless, smarting from a wife who cheated on me and tried to take every last cent we earned together, I was feeling sorry for myself, got into counseling, got my act together, started dating, and met the woman who came to be m
my wife, she had her first child at 34 and second at 37, we have been together for 14 wonderful years.
Moral of the story, love is out there, you still have plenty of time to fall in love and have babies, please focus on pulling it together, the rest will come.
I tell people my first marriage was just practice for my second one, it allowed me to make mistakes and learn how to be a better husband the second time around.
Best wishes to you,
Bill
I went through a terrible divorce, I wanted kids so much but my x-wife was worried about her abs, here I was 36 and childless, smarting from a wife who cheated on me and tried to take every last cent we earned together, I was feeling sorry for myself, got into counseling, got my act together, started dating, and met the woman who came to be m
my wife, she had her first child at 34 and second at 37, we have been together for 14 wonderful years.
Moral of the story, love is out there, you still have plenty of time to fall in love and have babies, please focus on pulling it together, the rest will come.
I tell people my first marriage was just practice for my second one, it allowed me to make mistakes and learn how to be a better husband the second time around.
Best wishes to you,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by RECF 
Yes, I agree with you. This is what I am struggling to accept. This is why I am writing you today. To have the grace to just let go. It is not always easy, though, is it?
L
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: uk
Posts: 124
I had my 3rd child at 42 - you have plenty of time for children, believe me! And my mother gave birth to me when she was 42. And a close friend of mine had a child 2 days ago aged 40. There are many years ahead of you yet - you don't know what is in store for you. Hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 137
Man, I'm really starting to make some bad mistakes in my life due to neglect. Thanks for all of your support. Today, I've got to get back on that horsey and ride. I have some clients who are starting to get very angry with my slow output...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
The consequences of focusing on people and things we do not control is that we tend to neglect our own responsibilities and obligations to ourselves and others.
Getting back on the horse, taking back control of our own lives, are huge steps for all of us.
Getting back on the horse, taking back control of our own lives, are huge steps for all of us.
Chaotically Peaceful
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
I know you have received so many replies re: children with an alcoholic but I'm going to chime in.
I was married to my ex for 14 years. I knew there were problems with drinking in the beginning but was nowhere near the place of understanding/accepting alcoholism. We wanted children and we struggled with infertility for years. I often cried at the thought that I might never have children. Well, we did have children and fast forward 8 years...I now cry about the fact that I chose to have children with this man (TWICE!). I will NEVER be free of him, his decisions and his behaviors and neither will our kids. I will always have to try to guide my children through the frustrations and disappointments as best as I can. I will always have to wonder what they see and what they do when they are with him. I will always wonder what their lives could have been like if I had been more aware of what it meant to bring children into an alcoholic's world...if I had insisted (to myself) that I have a healthier relationship before having children.
Things look very different from the parent side than they do from the wanting-to-be-a-parent side. I don't say this to be insulting but to be very honest. The irony is that when we WANT a child, it comes from a very selfish place. When we have children, there is no room for selfishness. The pain we feel for ourselves pales in comparison to what we feel for our children. Think of the pain you feel as a direct result of the lies, drunkenness and chaos of having an alcoholic husband. Would you want your babies feeling that pain??? Just two weeks ago, my oldest hung up on his dad, sobbing. His dad had made yet another promise that he didn't keep...using the excuse that he had to work late (again). It was a lie. I knew it. My son knew it. There was nothing I could do but hold my little man and tell him how much it stinks that his dad does that, that I love him and that I'm sorry.
Would I give up my children? No way. If I could go back to a time before they were born and do it differently...absolutely. Absolutely. *I* made the very bad choice to have children with an alcoholic. *They* will have to deal with the consequences of that choice for the rest of their lives.
It stinks.
I was married to my ex for 14 years. I knew there were problems with drinking in the beginning but was nowhere near the place of understanding/accepting alcoholism. We wanted children and we struggled with infertility for years. I often cried at the thought that I might never have children. Well, we did have children and fast forward 8 years...I now cry about the fact that I chose to have children with this man (TWICE!). I will NEVER be free of him, his decisions and his behaviors and neither will our kids. I will always have to try to guide my children through the frustrations and disappointments as best as I can. I will always have to wonder what they see and what they do when they are with him. I will always wonder what their lives could have been like if I had been more aware of what it meant to bring children into an alcoholic's world...if I had insisted (to myself) that I have a healthier relationship before having children.
Things look very different from the parent side than they do from the wanting-to-be-a-parent side. I don't say this to be insulting but to be very honest. The irony is that when we WANT a child, it comes from a very selfish place. When we have children, there is no room for selfishness. The pain we feel for ourselves pales in comparison to what we feel for our children. Think of the pain you feel as a direct result of the lies, drunkenness and chaos of having an alcoholic husband. Would you want your babies feeling that pain??? Just two weeks ago, my oldest hung up on his dad, sobbing. His dad had made yet another promise that he didn't keep...using the excuse that he had to work late (again). It was a lie. I knew it. My son knew it. There was nothing I could do but hold my little man and tell him how much it stinks that his dad does that, that I love him and that I'm sorry.
Would I give up my children? No way. If I could go back to a time before they were born and do it differently...absolutely. Absolutely. *I* made the very bad choice to have children with an alcoholic. *They* will have to deal with the consequences of that choice for the rest of their lives.
It stinks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 137
It's not insulting at all... In fact I KNOW You are absolutely right.
I grew up with an alcoholic father.
He would go into rages, throw things at me, throw things at my mother, hit me, yell at me. One time he even ripped up my toys (I was hiding under the bed). When I was teenager, I vowed to never live in a situation like that again...
Funny (not really) how things turn out.
Really, I'm not trying to focus on it (somebody here was saying I'm focusing on others). But these things do come up in my mind, sometimes they turn into an obsession. I know I oughtn't to, it just happens. That's why I write here. To here the things you are saying. To LISTEN so I can remember why I made the choice to leave him.
Strange as it may be, I doubt myself occasionally.
I grew up with an alcoholic father.
He would go into rages, throw things at me, throw things at my mother, hit me, yell at me. One time he even ripped up my toys (I was hiding under the bed). When I was teenager, I vowed to never live in a situation like that again...
Funny (not really) how things turn out.
Really, I'm not trying to focus on it (somebody here was saying I'm focusing on others). But these things do come up in my mind, sometimes they turn into an obsession. I know I oughtn't to, it just happens. That's why I write here. To here the things you are saying. To LISTEN so I can remember why I made the choice to leave him.
Strange as it may be, I doubt myself occasionally.
Chaotically Peaceful
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
Originally Posted by RECF
Strange as it may be, I doubt myself occasionally.
I personally believe it takes a heavy dose of self-doubt to be able to grow and strengthen as a person. If we didn't doubt ourselves, we wouldn't be testing our new "design" in a safe way. Think about it...when you re-engineer a car, you road test it. When you develop new software, you beta test it. Testing a new concept, plan, or design in a controlled environment better guarantees a seamless roll-out to the public. So test the your skills when self-doubt creeps in...affirm your focus on self, run through your gratitude list, meditate, measure your progress, talk it out with AlAnon or SR friends.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I'm 36 and pregnant with my first child.
I often got on a pity pot about not having children yet. Honestly, thank goodness I didn't earlier in life. I wasn't even close to being able to take care of a child. I could barley take care of myself.
Everything works out just how it's supposed to. It will be just fine.
I often got on a pity pot about not having children yet. Honestly, thank goodness I didn't earlier in life. I wasn't even close to being able to take care of a child. I could barley take care of myself.
Everything works out just how it's supposed to. It will be just fine.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 204
It will work out how it's supposed to. Not to say you will have kids or you won't, but I have three close girlfriends who each met their husbands after 36 and went on to have children with them.
I am recently divorced and in some ways I regret choosing my ex-, but many positives have come out of the situation. I have two kids, ages 3 and 7, that I think are wonderful people. I am so glad I have them. I love my ex-husband's family, in some ways they are more like my family than my own. I also had about ten great years with my husband before the past few when everything went to s***. Many people don't get ten great years of a marriage.
So, sometimes I wish I didn't have to work so hard to be the sole provider for these kids. Sometimes I wish I lived back on the west coast where I grew up rather than the midwest. Sometimes I get scared I will never find love again. But, I just have to focus on the positive things. It's hard to do.
I am recently divorced and in some ways I regret choosing my ex-, but many positives have come out of the situation. I have two kids, ages 3 and 7, that I think are wonderful people. I am so glad I have them. I love my ex-husband's family, in some ways they are more like my family than my own. I also had about ten great years with my husband before the past few when everything went to s***. Many people don't get ten great years of a marriage.
So, sometimes I wish I didn't have to work so hard to be the sole provider for these kids. Sometimes I wish I lived back on the west coast where I grew up rather than the midwest. Sometimes I get scared I will never find love again. But, I just have to focus on the positive things. It's hard to do.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
