matilda17

Hi all --

I've read a lot of threads here and have gotten a lot from what you have all posted. Thanks.

I am struggling with a 1.5-year relationship with a man who drinks every day. I have started Al-Anon and am shoring up that way, getting help, but I also wanted to reach out here to help anchor my sanity!

I have a couple questions if anyone would care to share. First, is it normal (well, not "normal," but you hopefully know what I mean) to find yourself becoming withdrawn, depressed, isolated, sometimes unable to function when dealing with a relationship impacted by alcoholism? (I'll just go ahead and call it that, because my relationship does quack like a duck that way.) I've been hard on myself, on top of going through the emotions that have come with this relationship, because my ability to function in my own life has come to a grinding halt at times. Again, I'm going to Al-Anon now and will learn how to take care of myself, hopefully, but meanwhile I'd be grateful to hear what others have to say about this.

Another question for the forum is: Can you describe what some typical behaviors of the alcoholic are in terms of interpersonal relationships? I'm trying to understand when it's the disease talking and when it's him, if that makes sense, so I can detach instead of flying off the handle. I just can't tell where his personality ends and the alcoholism begins, and I'm trying to figure out if it's worth it for me to hang in there. There does seem to be a kind and caring and sweet person in there, whom I believe is the person I fell in love with, but that may not matter as long as alcohol is in play, and I do get that I have no control over that part. I suppose I'm trying to gauge who he might be if he were to get sober by his own choice. There are some rough aspects to how he behaves now that I'm not sure aren't part of who he is but it also could be addiction driving him to act that way -- I do understand that the end result is the same, yes.

Thanks in advance!

M

SunnyinSC

Hello and welcome!

I can tell you that I felt those feelings all the time, and I feel most people will say that's "normal".

I too struggle with whether I should stay and work things out. I see that sweet man I know as my BF usually at work, and even then it's hit or miss. He's having a good day today. It might be easy for some and harder than others to know when your A's true self is showing. You would know him best. I know the alcoholism is talking when he's rude or angry or violent. He pretty much never had those qualties before.

I'm glad you are going to Alanon. It's helped me a lot in the last week. Just remember that you have control of your life. You choose how people's actions affect you. You choose your boundaries on how you want to live.

matilda17

Hi Sunny! Thanks so much for weighing in here. It does make me feel less lonely to know I'm not the only one who has dealt with these kinds of feelings -- and it makes me feel less crazy for having had them.

It's odd, because my ABF does quite a lot for me, gives of himself, and I see him trying, but it's like the presence of the -ism in this equation is just draining no matter how well things are going or how much love is there. I also do take some things personally that probably are the product of his relationship to alcohol, and that's part of what I need to detach from, I know. I'm also pretty sure that part of my depression comes from knowing that I've honestly fallen for someone and he for me but that I probably won't be able to "keep" him, so to speak, and will have to say goodbye at some not-so-distant point and get back out there on my own. I know there are worse things, but it's like I have to grieve him before he's gone. I did choose to be with him but somewhat naively hoped that a different outcome might be possible -- for example, I have a close friend whose H is a RA and they have made it work so far somehow, but that's her life/rel'p and not mine.

Thanks so much!

M

SunnyinSC

I know exactly what you are talking about. One reason why I've just "taken a break" from relationship is really to prepare for the inevitable. I'm taking care of me, and I hope he's taking care of himself. I still hope he'll put through like he has before, but I've decided not to put my life on hold waiting. I wish I had the control to snap my fingers to make us go to some point in the future we may be happy where aycohol wasn't the other girl in the relationship, but that's not guaranteed. You seem to be finding your way, and your story actually is a comfort to me since it mirrors how I feel at the moment. So many people will.say run, but I've learned this last week those last 3 sentences that I posted. That has helped me gain some serenity in my world.

My guy has been very helpful since I told.him that I needed help as well and need to.work on myself. I'm still trying to figure out if he's being genuine in his actions.

choublak

Some of the "typical" traits (manipulative, self-centered, childish) of an alcoholic are in fact traits of certain personality types. My father is manipulative and controlling, but he is not an alcoholic. If you get into an argument or disagreement with him, he results to childish "I know you are but what am I" type name-calling. He thrives on drama.

My ABF has a different personality. Laid-back, doesn't like drama. He doesn't pull the "If you did (fill in the blank), I wouldn't drink" type of funny business with me, none of that. Doesn't make it any less serious; an alcoholic is an alcoholic is an alcoholic (yes I said that three times on purpose).

If you look around in here, you will read some posts about those whose A partner was manipulative and controlling when they drank, but now they're sober but are still manipulative and controlling. Some people are just "like that" and they may or may not have a drinking problem.

matilda17

Thanks again, Sunny, and thanks, choublak. I get it that there isn't one set of characteristics that's a total giveaway for alcoholism or wouldn't be there if he weren't alcoholic, and I get that it's a chicken-or-egg thing in some cases.

I asked this largely because I'm working on detaching, and one thing that helps me do that is to remember that, to a degree, it might be the alcohol talking in some situations with him, so it's a waste of time and energy to try to argue or reason with it, if that make sense. Sometimes I block out that he almost certainly is an alcoholic, and I find myself reacting more and also reacting as if I were objecting to behavior that was coming from a place of rational choice in him, instead of potentially from a place of hanging on to/protecting/covering up an active addiction. There seems to be little sense in trying to engage with that stuff, from what I'm learning.

Again, all this is so helpful, and I'm glad, Sunny, that it resonates with you, too. (Wish it didn't have to, but you know what I mean!)

M

choublak

He's not "almost certainly" an alcoholic; he is an alcoholic.

Do some research, read up on alcoholism. You will learn more doing that than you will trying to engage with him about it.

WayTooLong

The alcoholic doesn't doesn't exist separately from the alcoholism. It controls all of their thinking and feeling in my opinion. There are many times I picture my husband in a mental ward when he has irrational thinking/behaviors. I had an uncle who was schizophrenic. I didn't take anything he said personally. I have learned to transfer that feeling to my husband as well. It has less of an impact on my reaction to his garbage - and that's what it is - garbage. For YEARS, it wasn't like that for me. But Alanon has helped me to disengage. I sometimes listen to him like a radio with static. It's just background noise.

matilda17

Thanks, WayTooLong -- that helps to think of the radio static idea. And I agree, choublak. I guess I was stopping short of saying he's an A because only he knows for sure, but externally apparent indicators would suggest that he is -- daily drinking, usually 2 tall boys or around 3-5 beers or more. Whiskey when available, or wine.

I have read a bunch of threads on these boards, plus "Under the Influence," Al-Anon literature of all kinds, and a couple other sources in an effort to get the lay of the land when it comes to alcoholism. I suppose I'm also trying to educate myself so I finally come to a point where I think, "I'm not signing up for this," and I have the strength to walk. Just hard for me to do right this moment, even as the reality of the situation is impossible to ignore. I'm not so good with losing loved ones.

LifeRecovery

Welcome-

My life became worry, anxiety and stress about my loved one. I came into my relationship working on codependancy issues already, but I felt many of the emotions you are describing I think (only speaking for me) because I was not putting any energy into myself. What I liked to do, how I liked to be I started to second guess all of it.

I was working my own recovery and managed to hold onto that throughout my relationship with my loved one who is a problem drinker.

I don't know about typical behaviors with alcoholics in relationships, but I can comment on my own.

I spent a lot of time in my relationship trying to "say" just the right thing, "be" just the right way to not upset my loved one. I took on all of the problems in the relationship and tried to make them my own. In this way I could actually "work" on them. When I left it up to him (controlling) nothing was ever done about it.

I also believed everything he said, good, bad and ugly. I did not believe his behaviors for a long time. Actions speak louder then words, but those words held me in place for such a long time.

My ex husband is a lovely person who is hurting a lot. I tried to the best of my abilities to love him well, but unfortunately that is not possible. Though there are a lot of growing pains I am grateful for the ability to have recovery in my life.

skippernlilg

Yes, I definitely felt isolated and incompetent to handle the simplest things when my home was gripped by the disease of an active alcoholic. Sometimes it was hard to move at all. My A was manipulative in a passive-aggressive way. He would snipe at me in private, Mr. Hyde, and then miraculously turn to Dr. Jekyll in front of others. Our friends could see I was, indeed, the crazy one. (and I was!).

The decision to 'hang in there' was multi-faceted for me. I have a young son, and my boundary was no more drinking and crazy-making in my home. ABF, at the time, chose the bottle and went off angry, telling the world we broke up.

Since then, he's been drink-free and staying out of state. Our conversations are normal and I'm finally starting to see the man I fell in love with to start with. His mind is clear and he is obviously healthy looking now. No more wasting away with the yellow eyeballs. Time will tell us what happens next. I'm not living for all that. I live for today!

jessiec

I'm in a similar situation, and very much relate. Glad you are heading to Al-Anon. I've only attended a couple meetings, but it has made me feel better -- just knowing I'm not the only one struggling.

I definitely have felt my BF's alcoholism taking its toll on me, emotionally and physically. It has led to me losing sleep, gaining a few lbs (I stopped going to the gym as much -- in retro I was wanting to see him more and "babysit"), feeling anxious, feeling exhausted, having nightmares, feeling sluggish, feeling ambivalent about work/family/friends, etc.

matilda17

Wow, jessiec -- I so relate to the ambivalence and the sluggishness. Thanks for the specific feedback. And skippernlilg -- glad for you that it's looking up. I've been immobilized at times, too. I didn't connect that that's what was going on, just felt vaguely aware that something was wrong but couldn't place it. And LR, again, really resonates with my experience. Thanks, all -- it's good to get some clarity on this. I've lost sight of who I am.

NYCDoglvr

Self-centered in the extreme, enormous ego and low self esteem, grandiose, huge self-will and dishonesty. Alcoholics put booze above all else in life, including people, relationships and work. It's the height of self-destructiveness.

matilda17

Thanks NYCDoglvr! Love the avatar -- made me smile.

If anyone else can weigh in on this, I really am helped so much by the feedback. I also wonder about denial -- whether it means the A knows deep down that he/she has a problem but refuses to face it or has actually convinced him/herself that the problem doesn't exist. I can't imagine it being the second option, but that's me drawing from my own experience with addiction, as I was bulimic for many years and may have pushed it out of my mind but definitely knew it was a reality in my life I would have to face sometime. Guess it's hard to cross-apply experience from one person or situation to another, though.

SoaringSpirits

matilda, I'm sure my AH knows deep down that he has a serious problem. But outwardly he scoffs and says I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. After all, my AH is a high functioning executive who is popular and well thought of! Not a drunk! It's maddening.

His father was an end-stage alcoholic, one brother is an end-stage alcoholic, and another brother is a mid-stage alcoholic, as is my husband. Yet still he denies. I think he works very hard to sort of convince himself he's OK, when he knows quite clearly he is anything but. Denial is quite powerful. We are no match for it.

matilda17

Hi SoaringSpirits -- Thanks so much for your response! I don't know how I missed it earlier.

It does seem denial is a stronger impulse than I can handle, and I'm not about to try. I suppose I was wondering more for my own understanding, because of my history. I can remember not wanting to own up to my addiction issues with food because it felt like there'd be nothing I could do except despair about it, like no end to the despair once I admitted it -- but that's because I didn't have the program that helps me now, so it didn't seem possible to admit it without coming completely undone. It helps me to detach and be more compassionate to think about my boyfriend's drinking this way.

That said, it's a very tough challenge more often than not to not fly off the handle. He talks so much about other people's drinking problems, like a mini side-obsession, since he does tend to gravitate toward, uh, big drinkers socially. Maybe it's a way of trying to distinguish himself from the 'drunks,' too.

I'm not so much interested in getting inside his head (although I do wonder, sure) as I am orienting myself and helping myself detach here. I am going to another Al-Anon face-to-face meeting tomorrow night and did a phone meeting today, so that helps, too. Educating myself and all that.

LifeRecovery

In my experience the drug of choice is significantly different but the denial regarding what is a "problem" in life is pretty similar. I also lived with an eating disorder for many years and was going through recovery before, during (and continue to) after meeting my loved one.

That actually helped me to understand a little bit of what he was experiencing. Remember the lack of "control" I had, how big it felt if I admitted the problem etc. Who I chose to hang out with (not all of my friends struggled with eating disorders, but a lot did). It was a compulsion that I was helplessly self-absorbed in.

Just an FYI but I have found Al-anon really helpful in maintaining recovery for my eating disorder too, especially with detachment from others.

matilda17

Thanks, LR -- that really helps to hear. I have noticed that my flare-ups with the eating disorder do happen around Al-Anon-y stuff when they happen. I also noted last week that once I made an outreach call to an Al-Anon fellow while I was in distress, the urges I had had to get into food issues lifted almost automatically. So I know I need to follow that path more thoroughly as it does link into the ED for me, too. I'm glad it helps you in your recovery.

RECF

My symptoms while I was with my husband is I would get anxiety coming up to the house after working. Sometimes, I would get a 'feeling' that he was up to something which would lead to a panic attack. I would get 'psychic hangovers' after he had a binge - with or without vomitting. I had no friends, I gained 20lbs, I gave up on myself. It was only my mother and my therapist who saved me. They got more and more insistent about the abuse until I was forced to admit it myself. One of the worst days of my life was when my therapist wouldn't let me leave until I had contacted a woman's shelter.