I don't know where to start: am I over-reacting?
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 4
I don't know where to start: am I over-reacting?
My (looking like an imminent ex-) partner and I are both ACA.
Whilst she has spent seven years in therapy exploring many, if not most of the issues in her life to conclude that her relationship with alcohol is healthy. My problem is her position that because she acknowledges that she drinks too much than is good for her validates her behaviour, because she is aware.
But how much is too much? 2/3 to 3/4 of a bottle of wine every night, of which some will be brought into our bedroom is making me very anxious, invading my place of safety and taking me back to many of those childhood experiences.
It then leads in to the disturbed sleep patterns she has, rising twice a night and constantly drinking water and sleeping in later while I take our son to school.
When I've told her of this 'place of safety' I need, she seems to trump it with it being her 'routine' that she's always had and that she would be facilitating my neuroses. I'm now being blamed for taking her back to a really bad place about her issues with alcohol and these are my neuroses and that she's not going to enable them.
I really don't know where to start - I'm being bamboozled by someone who has the processes and language borne of that extensive therapy to shut down my argument at every turn - is this the end and/or a new beginning in sight?
Whilst she has spent seven years in therapy exploring many, if not most of the issues in her life to conclude that her relationship with alcohol is healthy. My problem is her position that because she acknowledges that she drinks too much than is good for her validates her behaviour, because she is aware.
But how much is too much? 2/3 to 3/4 of a bottle of wine every night, of which some will be brought into our bedroom is making me very anxious, invading my place of safety and taking me back to many of those childhood experiences.
It then leads in to the disturbed sleep patterns she has, rising twice a night and constantly drinking water and sleeping in later while I take our son to school.
When I've told her of this 'place of safety' I need, she seems to trump it with it being her 'routine' that she's always had and that she would be facilitating my neuroses. I'm now being blamed for taking her back to a really bad place about her issues with alcohol and these are my neuroses and that she's not going to enable them.
I really don't know where to start - I'm being bamboozled by someone who has the processes and language borne of that extensive therapy to shut down my argument at every turn - is this the end and/or a new beginning in sight?
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Posts: 6,516
I think you answered your own question but you don't like the answer. Her drinking is making you anxious and bringing back painful childhood memories. You can put up with it or choose not to.
Because you can't change her. I truly think that whether she is an alcoholic or has a healthy relationship with alcohol," you can't change her. You can tell her that your life can't include alcohol. If that's what you feel like.
Whenever someone defends their drinking in any way, I reach for my revolver (figuratively speaking). But it's not about her. It's about what you are or aren't willing to live with.
Because you can't change her. I truly think that whether she is an alcoholic or has a healthy relationship with alcohol," you can't change her. You can tell her that your life can't include alcohol. If that's what you feel like.
Whenever someone defends their drinking in any way, I reach for my revolver (figuratively speaking). But it's not about her. It's about what you are or aren't willing to live with.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Hi Sardineta,
How much is too much?
That is exactly the same question I asked on an expat website as a British person living in Australia. My AH of 23yrs was buying 2 crates of 24 bottles of beer a week. He had also told me that he was going to drink for the rest of his life and if I didn't like it, I could leave.
Lots of people joined in with the debate but one person sent me a private message suggesting that I try Al-anon.
I hadn't heard of Al-anon before, I hadn't even considered 'alcoholic' as a term either but I sat in my first ever meeting with my DD19 and suddenly everything clicked. Two and two were adding up to four! It was such a relief.
How much is too much? It doesn't matter. It was too much for me, my AH drinking was effecting my health, my life, making me anxious, lonely, sad, upset. I was stressed, obsessed and couldn't think of anything else.
It took 18 months of therapy, Al-anon and SR for me to realise that I was important. I hadn't believed it up until then - I was a wife and mother but it finally occurred to me that I was 'me' too and I deserved a happy life. Sure, my AH was going to drink for the rest of his life but I didn't have to choose to live with him or make that my life.
I left, about 5 months ago. I live on my own for the first time in my life (45yrs) I am happy, at peace, my life has definitely improved. Incidentally, my AH has reached his rock bottom, and has been actively working on his recovery ever since. He is 11 weeks sober and is talking and planning on staying that way for the rest of his life.
Maybe one day we will be able to live together again, we are planning on having a happy ending. I will never, ever live with an active alcoholic again, my life is too important for that to ever be an option.
How much is too much?
That is exactly the same question I asked on an expat website as a British person living in Australia. My AH of 23yrs was buying 2 crates of 24 bottles of beer a week. He had also told me that he was going to drink for the rest of his life and if I didn't like it, I could leave.
Lots of people joined in with the debate but one person sent me a private message suggesting that I try Al-anon.
I hadn't heard of Al-anon before, I hadn't even considered 'alcoholic' as a term either but I sat in my first ever meeting with my DD19 and suddenly everything clicked. Two and two were adding up to four! It was such a relief.
How much is too much? It doesn't matter. It was too much for me, my AH drinking was effecting my health, my life, making me anxious, lonely, sad, upset. I was stressed, obsessed and couldn't think of anything else.
It took 18 months of therapy, Al-anon and SR for me to realise that I was important. I hadn't believed it up until then - I was a wife and mother but it finally occurred to me that I was 'me' too and I deserved a happy life. Sure, my AH was going to drink for the rest of his life but I didn't have to choose to live with him or make that my life.
I left, about 5 months ago. I live on my own for the first time in my life (45yrs) I am happy, at peace, my life has definitely improved. Incidentally, my AH has reached his rock bottom, and has been actively working on his recovery ever since. He is 11 weeks sober and is talking and planning on staying that way for the rest of his life.
Maybe one day we will be able to live together again, we are planning on having a happy ending. I will never, ever live with an active alcoholic again, my life is too important for that to ever be an option.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 15
That is the big debate-(for us), how much is too much. My husband doesn't think that he drinks too much. That is probably true compared to what he was drinking, but the fear of him drinking at all and the worry about the slippery slope is probably more than I can handle.
Like Eight Ball said, if it is too much for you then it is too much. I think I will take that advice too!
Like Eight Ball said, if it is too much for you then it is too much. I think I will take that advice too!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
If her drinking is a causing problems for you --- it's a problem. No matter if she drinks 2 glasses of wine of 2/3 a bottle. It's a problem.
My AH did not think he drank too much. He drank 1/2 bottle of wine nightly (at least that I know of). He did not act drunk. He did not stagger. He was a little more confrontational than when sober. He zoned out and watched movies and fall asleep on the sofa. It was a problem for me, which made it a problem for us. He would not stop drinking because it was not a problem in his mind. It was my problem 100%.
I had to separate from him. It was the only way I could separate myself from the "problem" of alcoholism on a daily basis. Hugs to you. Take care of YOU. Your child needs a healthy, sober parent!
My AH did not think he drank too much. He drank 1/2 bottle of wine nightly (at least that I know of). He did not act drunk. He did not stagger. He was a little more confrontational than when sober. He zoned out and watched movies and fall asleep on the sofa. It was a problem for me, which made it a problem for us. He would not stop drinking because it was not a problem in his mind. It was my problem 100%.
I had to separate from him. It was the only way I could separate myself from the "problem" of alcoholism on a daily basis. Hugs to you. Take care of YOU. Your child needs a healthy, sober parent!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
It doesn't matter. It's too much for you and it is affecting you. That said, she's an alcoholic and is doing what alcohlics do-- though I am impressed by the amount of time and money she's spend to rationalize her being a drunk and trying to make it ok.
There is no scenario where her drinking is anything but alcoholism in action.
Wow.
Cyranoak
P.s. This post is free. Way less than $300 per hour.
There is no scenario where her drinking is anything but alcoholism in action.
Wow.
Cyranoak
P.s. This post is free. Way less than $300 per hour.
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