tyabner

I recently moved out of the house to distance myself from my AW. Today is a week removed. I'm really struggling today. I was good until today and I have literally cried all day. AW said she is checking herself into rehab tomorrow or at least going to get evaluated to do so. This is the first time that she seems to really be trying to recover from this horrible disease. I just hate the fact that I had to move out of the house before she would even attempt to recover. I've been attending Al-Anon and doing everything I can to stay strong. Any words of advice on helping the hurt?

dawnie24

Really she let you in on her goin to rehab etc you should be doing it together that way your both supporting eachother and helping eachother. Some women can be (I want to do it on my own) kinda people but not realise they need the dearest closest to em at this time.

You need to look to what you can do in the future instead of turnin to alcohol, think of the negatives and bad impacts it as on your life

suki44883

Motives, motives, motives. Did you move out so she'd suddenly realize what she's losing, or did you move out because you had enough? Is she saying she's checking out rehab because you moved out, and is saying what she thinks you want to hear, or is she doing it because she wants sobriety more than anything in the world, even at the expense of your relationship?

Actions speak louder than words. IF she actually enters rehab, and IF she actually completes the program, and IF she is able to maintain sobriety while working a program for a period of at least six months, then, you can consider giving things another chance. Of course, it's totally your decision, but if you've read around here very much, you'll see how many of us grasped onto their words, and didn't wait to see if their actions actually corresponded.

quillan

Hi Tyabner - I am trying to decide whether to take the step you did - move out of the house to distance myself from my AW. One positive of your decision is that she is experiencing real consequences and that MAY be enough for her to make a decision to seek help. I would also encourage you to remember that the feelings of sadness are transitory - they will be with you for awhile and then they will leave. Stay strong and keep going to meetings - having a support network is critical. I wish you the very best.

Pelican

I think what you are feeling is normal.

I was with my A partner 14 years. I went through stages of grieving when we seperated/divorced. I found meetings to be helpful, and I found reading about the stages of grieving helped me to recognize what I was feeling as normal.

There is a chapter about the stages of grieving in "Codependent No More". It was written in an easy to understand language.

Sending you hugs and encouragement as you process the changes in your life.

Eight Ball

Hi Tyabner

I left my AH of 23yrs about 5 months ago and moved into my own place living on my own for the first time in my life (45yrs). I still loved my AH and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him but at the end, I just couldnt live with an active alcoholic anymore - I was done. He told me that he was going to drink for the rest of his life and if I didnt like it I could leave. 18 months of therapy, Al-anon and SR and I finally realised that my life was important, my health was important and I deserved so much more from my life than I was getting married to an active alcoholic.

I went no contact and had good days/bad days. Some 'sad' days where I just stayed in bed all day. Then the good days got more and more. I had joined an acapella singing group a few months earlier and my social life picked up and I was out enjoying myself and laughing again with nice people. I tried going to two Al-anon sessions too.

My AH contacted me after about 8 weeks. He wasn't good, he was shaky and had lost a lot of weight. He told me that he had reached his rock bottom and he didn't want to loose me. He had been to see his doctor and a therapist and had a programme to stop drinking.

He has been sober for 11 weeks now and is talking and acting like he wants to stay that way for the rest of his life. It seems like he 'gets it'. His words, his actions match, he gives me no 'red flags'. 11 weeks is such early days though, compared to the rest of his life - hes got a long way to go and is really a wait and see scenario.

We are talking about getting back together eventually but for now I like my space, my own home, working to pay my bills and spending time on my own. Its much more peaceful than living with an active alcoholic and I am getting stronger, healthier and happier within myself.

My AH is also enjoying taking care of his 'business' and continues to take care of his sobriety.

It will be six months since I moved out soon and I still dont feel ready to move back together. We spend most weekends together and one night mid week. We are getting along so well but I still feel like we both have a lot of work to do getting healthy. I am also happy to allow my AH the space he needs to concentrate on his own recovery. We still have some relationship issues we will need to tackle eventually, before we are ready to move in together again - there's no rush, we need to get it right this time - our future happiness depends on it.