ForeverDecember

Hi everyone, I am an alcoholic and three weeks sober. My partner is trying to be supportive, and is wonderful, but he doesn't understand how much my brain wants me to drink. The effort of resisting is physically draining, and I've tried to describe it to him as a feeling of hunger that you aren't allowed to satisfy.

He is a non-smoker and non-drinker, so he can't even liken it to the urge for a cigarette (which I quit two years ago).

I was hoping you could let me know how it was that you were able to understand the strength of the urges, or if you know how is the best way to talk to him about it. I am honest and open and tell him when I've had a bad day, but I don't want this recovery to be "all about me". This is hard for him too, and I would like to know how to talk to him about it in ways that will make him understand that this is serious. It's not like going on a diet where I can cheat every now and then and everything will be OK.

I hope this makes sense, I appreciate any replies.

fourmaggie

no one can understand your disease...only on a certain level.....i recommend asking him to go to AL ANON, this will help the whole family...he will get support and to know how to "handle" the disease....

thats awesome you have some weeks under your belt...i hope that AA is a big part of your life now..and AL ANON will be his....

m1k3

Maggie is right. Your recovery is all about you and he really should try al-anon. If you don't mind tell him about this web site. It is a treasure trove of experience strength and hope.

Your friend,

wellnowwhat

Congratulations on your recovery! And on quitting cigarettes too!

I think it is good that you want to talk with your partner and be honest and open. Honesty has usually left the relationship when alcoholism enters.

I would guess just keep explaining it to the best of your ability. Your partner, too, may wonder if and when and how to talk about it, what not to say, etc. So maybe just have the conversation with him that you had in your post?

Best wishes on your continued success!

shawty80

my xabf got incredibly angry at me because i DIDN'T understand, and wouldn't listen to me when i told him there was no possible way for me to get it, but that i was there to offer him any support i could. that support came in the form of me listening to him when he needed to vent, attending several aa meetings with him, attending al-anon meetings for me, giving him space as needed, not pressuring him for anything (including sex), trying to NOT take personally his withdrawal from me, trying to maintain a positive attitude, giving him a place to relax after a long day before attending a meeting (and feeding him, to boot!), not nagging him about anything or questioning what was going on in his mind or at meetings, and trying to lift him up when he needed an extra boost. i also acknowledged that, while i couldn't feel what he was feeling, i *knew* that sobriety was a constant battle for him and that it was emotionally, mentally, and physically draining. i did everything i could to not add more burdens to his plate and to work on my own recovery.

i think one of the best things you can do for him is to be incredibly honest about everything. i loved that my xabf would talk to me about how he felt after a meeting, even if the meeting frustrated him. it gave me a glimpse into his pain, and i am grateful for that. keep the lines of communication open and maybe even invite him to a meeting, or two. i really enjoyed the aa meetings that i attended with him. they were eye-opening and i always left with a sense of calm and a great feeling of pride that he was facing his greatest demon head-on.

my guess is he knows how serious this is. i certainly did. i knew that every moment was a struggle for my xabf, and that he was incredibly fragile and vulnerable. i didn't have to understand the addiction to see how seriously it affected him, or to see how hard maintaining sobriety was for him. just like rum oozed from his pores, the battle oozed from his being.

good luck and congratulations on your three weeks!

Mersault

Excellent advice so far. I'm not an alcoholic, but I'm an opiate addict (two weeks clean as of today) and recovered GHB addict. For me the light turned on after reading here for days, story after brutal story of lives in ruin. I knew my personal hell, but for some reason wanted to believe others were less afflicted. To be perfectly honest believing that made doing biz easier. It was reading all of those personal accounts of hellish experiences that set the reality of substances abuse squarely in front if me. The pain in each of those stories was so moving I really can't put it into words, other than to say it softened a well calloused heart. The pain made it REAL, the suffering of so many was no longer an abstract concept, and that's exactly what I NEEDED. Thanks again to everyone who's put their stories in to print here.

bonami

Congratulations on 3 weeks sober! The A in my life is a really good friend and former coworker who I have known for 15 years. He only just became a former coworker because, as a result of his alcoholism, he lost what was a very good, secure job, even tho he has been to rehab and is working on his recovery. I do understand how serious it has been for him but there were many things about alcoholics that I did NOT understand, and unlike what you are trying to do for your partner, he made no effort to help me to understand what he was going through. I was really struggling until I found this website.

So I endorse the suggestion that you tell your partner about this site. It is an amazing source of information and support. Al-Anon is also a good idea; I personally have not attended but I know how helpful and life-saving it has been for members of this forum, and I know it's there for me should I decide to take advantage of all that the meetings have to offer.

But your recovery IS about you...and that's something else I have learned and that your partner also needs to understand. Best of luck to you both!

Tuffgirl

Just be honest about your struggles. You don't have to go overboard and whine about it everyday - but just be honest when asking for what you need from him. And do your best not to blame him for when he doesn't get it. We just don't get it. I know I never will, but I can have empathy if given a chance.

Congratulations on your sobriety! Stay strong!
~T

Eddiebuckle

I would like early sobriety to being told to breathe underwater. Everything we understand to be true makes us rail against it, and yet when we finally quit fighting we find it to be possible.

SoaringSpirits

What helped me understand my AH's struggle with alcohol was 1) the book "Under the Influence" by Milam and 2) Reading the rational recovery AVRT website, which talks about the reptile brain versus the conscious brain and how to deal with the reptile brain's demands.

In all honesty, the more I've educated myself the more I know my marriage is over. I don't think my AH has enough willpower to do anything but take the path of least resistance at this point. It's a tough disease, alcoholism, I so feel for you!

Congrats on your sobriety. One day at a time!

Thlayli

I'm sure it's not exactly the same but it helps me to think about the fact that I don't jog or do yoga nearly as much as I aspire to. Would they help me? Yes. Would I feel better if I do it? Yes. Well, why don't I? Um.....*insert millions of excuses every day* And I know I'm certainly not at all physically addicted to NOT exercising.

Carol Star

like a kid with a bag of holloween candy and told nope can't have any, a ways to not feel, he needs Alanon, you need to work your own recoveries independent of each other as my therapist says stay in my own hoola-hoop......,and for you hoorah and try 90 in 90........

BuffaloGal

I have OCD, and I can understand how it is to have a screaming need to do something that looks perfectly voluntary to onlookers. My aexh's drinking seemed to have a similar tone.

choublak

An alcoholic in recovery who admits to having a problem is easier to understand than an alcoholic in complete denial.

Non-alcoholics/addicts can understand only up to a certain point.

The best thing your partner can do is read, read, read. These forums are a good place to start.

ForeverDecember

Thank you all for your advice.

I'm using personal counselling sessions and my doctor to keep me sober and confident. Along with family support they have been amazing. Neither will ever really know how much they have helped me, because more than their words it's been facial expressions or reactions to my words that have made the difference. At any rate I know that this time it feels completely different, and I am sober and will stay that way.

I will point him in the direction of the books mentioned above, and alanon to see if it works for him (AA does not work for me). I don't know how much he wants to understand it, I think it scares him a bit. He's giving me a lot of space, but listening when I talk about it. He gives me a little extra tight hug every now and then when he knows I'm having a rough time as a way of encouragement and showing that he's with me. He's also so happy just having me sober that it makes the days wonderful.

I have so much respect for all of you posting in these forums... You are very strong people.

choublak

It may not be about him wanting to understand or not wanting to understand, but more about him able to understand only to a certain point, as a non-alcoholic.

lillamy

I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh, but... I never spent much time trying to understand how hard it was for my AH. I was plenty busy keeping my head above water and making sure the kids didn't drown.

And I'm responding to your post because?

Because I don't think it's your partner's job to understand your struggle. It's your partner's job to take care of himself and learn how he can work on his recovery. If you expect him to support you, you're keeping him trapped in the same position he was in while you were drinking.

m1k3

What helped me with understanding was my quitting nicotine. Especially since I dipped snuff my denial was easier because I was sure it wasn't as bad a smoking. I went through several false starts, I hid my usage, easy to do with snuff and finally made up my mind to quit.

I did it but it was horrible. It has been almost 15 years since I have had tobacco and I know if I use even once the addiction will be back full force. I still have urges at times, like the last 6 months of what I have been going through.

Even so, I had to work my recovery quite a bit before I could make that connection and begin to feel compassion for what my wife is going through.

Your friend,

ForeverDecember

My partner wants to understand because he wants to help me. If he was at a stage where all he cared about was himself then he would have left, likewise if I decided the bottle was more important than him I would have left. He's a big boy and he can make his own decisions.

I absolutely expect him to support me through this. I don't need someone to pander to my every need, but if I'm going to spend a night feeling like a fish out of water struggling to breath and if he saw me in pain like that and only thought of himself then this relationship would be long dead. Likewise I'm trying to support him, as was the original intention of this post - to try to help him not me.

I was reaching out to those who tried to help their partners while their partners were becoming sober, rather than leave them to fight for sobriety alone, whilst the other tallyed the relationship points. If a person were so bitter that sobriety on the addicts part did not matter then there is no relationship, so why hang around? I don't know your story, and you don't know mine so we should leave it at that. There are no victims at our house. He understands it's a disease, and that we both make choices here.

m1k3

I'm curious, what do you want him to do to help you and what do you want to do to help him?

My recovery is mine and I am the only one who can work it. I can read here, I can read al-anon or other literature or I can go to al-anon meetings. There isn't anything anyone can do to help me other than share experience, strength and hope or wisdom.

Your problems are very different. You have no ES&H or codependency wisdom to offer him and unless he is a recovering alcoholic he has no ES&H or wisdom to offer you. Doesn't mean you can't live together and love each other but when it comes to recovery all that can be done is to stand back and let each other work their way through it.

Take what you want and leave the rest.