tell me what I need to hear
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 10
tell me what I need to hear
I have found that even as I recognize my codie behaviors, I am not changing. I left my boyfriend who is an A 4 weeks ago after a binge of his that caused him to get kicked out of his home, lose his right to see his daughter and wrecked the only vehicle he had. My issue is this. After I leave him and he is trying to get me back I am fine, no desire to even think about going back.... But always he finds someone else after a few weeks and quits calling. When I talk to him he will say he understands it's over, denying he has anyone, but I can always tell he does. I then obsess about it and snoop until I find the evidence and present it to him and want HIM back... I realize this is starting to become a pattern... I only want him so he wont have anyone else. What is wrong with me (I know I have control/codie issues) Why can't I let this go?? I've always heard that people who can jump from relationship to relationship are shallow. We have always had such an intense connection and have been serious all of our 3.5 yrs. How do I stop this cycle?? I cant face the mirror after we get back together.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Until I actively found recovery from codependency, I repeated the same dysfunctional patterns over and over.
It was a miserable way to live.
Alanon has saved my life. It has taught me how to be a better person in all areas of my life, not just relationships.
For me, codependency didn't just go away.
I have had to/still do work hard on my own program of recovery.
Sending you hugs of support.
It was a miserable way to live.
Alanon has saved my life. It has taught me how to be a better person in all areas of my life, not just relationships.
For me, codependency didn't just go away.
I have had to/still do work hard on my own program of recovery.
Sending you hugs of support.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 46
Some of us just love misery. But we can control our own destinty. You have to do what you feel is best for yourself. If you know he is wrong for you, then listen to that voice in your head.
We are here for you. Stay strong.
We are here for you. Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 110
We all desperately hope to be the one that is different...the one that is WORTH ENOUGH to "make" them stop. And, sometimes, even if they do stop (for a time), what you see underneath, is just as bad (if not worse?).
It's been not two months since the last blow up with my xabf. The one where he allowed his trashy alcoholic ex into our planned evening, and the two of them, sat there drinking and reminiscing..about drugs, booze, living in shelters, etc. She had made no secret at all of her wanting to get him back, after she walked out on him 2 yrs ago. After 2 hours of watching this, I left, no making a scene, no accusations, nothing.
For that..he decided "we were done". After he sobered up, and we talked..I at least got validation that I had more than enough reason to have left and he didn't blame me. But, in the week or so, before we finally got to that..he jumped into a new relationship. He has dug himself so far into that, that I don't know if he could back out, even if he really wanted to.
I have been stupid. They are together almost all the time..and it is only when she is not around, that he makes time to be with me. And I am dumb enough to try and believe him, when he claims that he still loves me, and wants to "fix" things. Talk about drama? The other woman is "struggling" to get out of her prior relationship, with the guy who professes to love her, while he sleeps with other women behind her back. The irony, of course... my xabf is doing exactly the same thing to her...and I'm the one he is with, behind her back.
And..I don't want to try and tell you, how disgusted I am, with myself for this. I've lost a lot in the last few years, and the only thing I had left was my own integrity. And now, I'm giving that away too?
You didn't intend it, but your post came at a good time for me, as I cope with my own anger at myself today. It has been so hard for me to ignore all the red flags, because of what I WANT to be true. And it isn't true. People here have advised me to go NC, which I hadn't been able to bring myself to do.
The answer is that we take them "back" because we want to believe things will change. When I tried to get him to stop getting drunk, KNOWING it WOULD destroy us...I was labeled as trying to control him or separate him from his friends. Right now.. he is not drinking, because the new woman USED HER GRANDCHILDREN as leverage..that if he got drunk, he could not be around them. I won't even touch how manipulative that is, to me, even if he does stop. It does not change that both of them were involved with someone else, and dropped the other person, only when something else supposedly came along.
All I can offer is my reassurance, that there are many of us, that keep the hope alive, well beyond anything rational. I'm one of them.
Time to take my integrity back. I'm worth more than that...and so are you.
It's been not two months since the last blow up with my xabf. The one where he allowed his trashy alcoholic ex into our planned evening, and the two of them, sat there drinking and reminiscing..about drugs, booze, living in shelters, etc. She had made no secret at all of her wanting to get him back, after she walked out on him 2 yrs ago. After 2 hours of watching this, I left, no making a scene, no accusations, nothing.
For that..he decided "we were done". After he sobered up, and we talked..I at least got validation that I had more than enough reason to have left and he didn't blame me. But, in the week or so, before we finally got to that..he jumped into a new relationship. He has dug himself so far into that, that I don't know if he could back out, even if he really wanted to.
I have been stupid. They are together almost all the time..and it is only when she is not around, that he makes time to be with me. And I am dumb enough to try and believe him, when he claims that he still loves me, and wants to "fix" things. Talk about drama? The other woman is "struggling" to get out of her prior relationship, with the guy who professes to love her, while he sleeps with other women behind her back. The irony, of course... my xabf is doing exactly the same thing to her...and I'm the one he is with, behind her back.
And..I don't want to try and tell you, how disgusted I am, with myself for this. I've lost a lot in the last few years, and the only thing I had left was my own integrity. And now, I'm giving that away too?
You didn't intend it, but your post came at a good time for me, as I cope with my own anger at myself today. It has been so hard for me to ignore all the red flags, because of what I WANT to be true. And it isn't true. People here have advised me to go NC, which I hadn't been able to bring myself to do.
The answer is that we take them "back" because we want to believe things will change. When I tried to get him to stop getting drunk, KNOWING it WOULD destroy us...I was labeled as trying to control him or separate him from his friends. Right now.. he is not drinking, because the new woman USED HER GRANDCHILDREN as leverage..that if he got drunk, he could not be around them. I won't even touch how manipulative that is, to me, even if he does stop. It does not change that both of them were involved with someone else, and dropped the other person, only when something else supposedly came along.
All I can offer is my reassurance, that there are many of us, that keep the hope alive, well beyond anything rational. I'm one of them.
Time to take my integrity back. I'm worth more than that...and so are you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: South Florida
Posts: 18
Like the saying goes, "if nothing changes nothing changes." With that said you should know that everyone has been there before. No matter how destructive a relationship may be it is not easy to move on or to just stop"loving"someone. Maybe try getting some outside support from other women who have been in your shoes or similar situations. Keep your chin up.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I would suggest that you go no contact. You are only hurting yourself by keeping up this dance, he is dating others, it is over, why not move on and find yourself a good sober man, someone who will treat you as you should be treated...with respect and honesty.
If you really feel that you cannot let him go, I would suggest that you go to therapy, sometimes it is the only answer.
Take care of you, you deserve so much better.
If you really feel that you cannot let him go, I would suggest that you go to therapy, sometimes it is the only answer.
Take care of you, you deserve so much better.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
I finally stopped hurting myself by engaging with him......knew it would send me into drama/crazies/ depression and stopped because it was hurting me......much better now- don't care who he is with- feel sorry for her......
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I suggest Elizabeth Kubbler Ross (spelling might be wrong) "The wheel of life" book. Nothing like that book to remind you your time on Earth is limited.
I also repeat codie behaviors but am getting better at dettaching and understanding what other people do give me and can give me and are willing to give me. I stopped trying to get warmth from icebergs. My life gets easier. The choice is always ours, the misery is ours, and also the joy of letting go is ours.
I also repeat codie behaviors but am getting better at dettaching and understanding what other people do give me and can give me and are willing to give me. I stopped trying to get warmth from icebergs. My life gets easier. The choice is always ours, the misery is ours, and also the joy of letting go is ours.
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