runningforlife

Hey, all! Although I've been reading posts on here for a couple of months, I am new here and this is my first posting! I'm very grateful to have found this site. In moments of my deep despair and grieving, I sometimes forget that I'm not alone -- that so many of us have felt or are feeling the same things right now.

I'm currently in the midst of a period of deep grieving. I haven't completely identified yet exactly what it is I'm grieving. Am I grieving in advance of losing my relationship with my ABF? Am I grieving the difficult past year, the broken dreams, the squashed plans? Am I grieving the loss of self? Am I grieving the image of the person I know my ABF can be? Perhaps it is all of these things.

Just a brief background...my ABF and I met 2 years ago. Our first year was absolutely wonderful. We had the best group of friends, made deep connections with each other's families, travelled, and shared some very meaningful life moments with each other. We also discussed our future plans together. We made a vision of the life we were going to have together. I had no inkling that he had a problem with alcohol. We would occasionally meet up with friends for a drink, or enjoy a glass of wine while dining or while watching a movie, but all was within the realm of "normal." He experienced a deep disappointment about 10 months into our relationship and his drinking started to change. He started drinking more often and drinking to the point of becoming noticeably impaired. We had several serious discussions about this and he was committed to getting it under control. This was my first taste of the disease. I had no reason to not trust that he would do so.

His disappointment (which was a professional rejection) turned to ecstatic joy as he was contacted by a very well-known organization for a job of a lifetime in a city hundreds of miles away. He is incredibly talented and intelligent and I was so proud of him. He was beaming with joy and told me that he wanted to go into this next chapter of our lives together -- that he didn't want to do this without me -- that he wants me to move, too. A couple months later, I had my life thrown onto a moving truck and bought myself a one-way ticket to my new life.

Things got crazy for us really fast! This was the first time we had lived together. Things fell into place but I was quickly realizing that my BF was an alcoholic. His job was stressful and he turned to alcohol to cope. He was drinking daily and ended up passing out on most nights. It was excruciating to watch. I tried every approach imaginable. I tried to love him more. I tried to ignore it. I tried yelling. I tried having adult discussions. I tried being intolerant. I tried guilt trips. I tried removing myself from him when he was drinking. There were so many nights he wouldn't come to bed and I would find him passed out on the living room floor. I'd bring him a blanket and lie next to him and hold him and I would envision being able to summon all the positive energy and all the good things in the universe and then would imagine enveloping him in that loving, healing energy and praying to HP to take this all away from us.

My ABF never seemed to suffer any consequences of his drinking. He never got in legal trouble (although he was close on at least one occasion). He never suffered hangovers. He never got headaches, threw up from over consumption. And while this was my first experience with an alcoholic, I knew enough to not enable or cushion him. I'm sure I did in some regard, but if he passed out on a date at the movies, I would leave him at the end of the movie to find his own way home. If he passed out on the floor, I would leave him there instead of getting him to bed.

Things steadily got worse. He flirted with AA meetings but never gave it a fair shot. His physical and cognitive health scared me the most. His memory was non-existent. He would confabulate things to make up for lost memories -- about things that had happened just 20 minutes before. His family got involved on several occasions to encourage rehab but he wasn't having any of it. He knew he had a problem but didn't think he needed rehab. He ended up either losing his job or getting fired (I probably will never know). This left more time for drinking and his condition worsened significantly in a few months. To complicate matters further, he also has an addiction to an anxiety medication that he's been taking for 4 years as well as some unaddressed psychological issues aside from anxiety.

Several months ago, he had to move back to his family. He wasn't able to find a job and was out of money. As hard as it was to see him leave, it was a blessing because this city brought him nothing but disappointment. Things didn't go as expected and he felt that shame every day. I also knew his family would give him the encouragement and support he would need. He's holding a part-time job back at home, has a wonderful sponsor and started attending meetings all the time, and is also applying for PhD programs. Needless to say, he has a lot on his plate. 2 months went by and we spoke every day, text throughout the day, etc. We would reaffirm our commitment to our relationship and to each other, our recoveries (I'm in Al-Anon and working with a therapist) and spoke often about our future plans.

Things took an abrupt turn 6 weeks ago (gosh, it seems like 6 years!) when he suddenly asked for a break in our relationship. He wasn't able to articulate what this break is supposed to look like, boundaries, etc. Just that I can call when I want to talk and vice versa. He said he needs to re-evaluate his future, that every decision he makes from now on needs to be the right decision. He asked for time to be selfish and super self-centered so that he can focus on his recovery. He said he wasn't able to be there for me right now and he can't be the boyfriend he wants to be for me. I thanked him for his honesty and for effectively communicating. I did want to clarify that this wasn't an attempt to let distance and time take its toll on us and naturally drift us apart, or an attempt to let me down easy because I'd rather he just get it over with right now if that is what he is doing. He said, while that is a possibility, that's not what he's doing nor is that what he wants. I would allow several days to pass and then text or call him. We would have brief conversations but he became more and more distant and almost cold to me. I called him 3 weeks ago to just clarify what we are doing and he told me the same thing. I asked him how he feels about me and he said he wasn't sure, that we've been through a difficult and painful year, and that is something he is trying to figure out right now. Nothing like being stuck in limbo.

Right now I'm trying to concentrate on taking care of myself, although I feel like it's getting harder with each passing day. I feel worse, not better. Al-Anon helps a lot, as does reading similar stories on this forum, reading Al-Anon lit and codependency books, etc. But if I'm not actively reading, sitting in a meeting or therapy session, I find myself uncontrollably obsessing and grieving for my ABF. It's like a second full-time job to keep myself out of the emotional quicksand. It would help tremendously if I understood his sudden 180 in his behavior. When I spoke with him 3 weeks ago he told me he was about 3 weeks sober. But I guess I don't really know, do I? He could be drinking again for all I know, although his family said they'd kick him out if they find out he even has a sip. I spoke with his mother last week and she said he stopped going to AA as often as he was in the beginning. He now goes about 2-3 times per week.

I fight the urge to contact him almost every moment of the day! I miss my best friend and I yearn for the relationship we had before things got crazy. I yearn for the relationship we can have. Sometimes I'm worried he's forgotten all about me. Sometimes I'm worried that he's forgotten the ball is in his court -- that we are still on a break. I feel like we've been through way too much to just let this all go now. I have faith in our love. I know we can make it through this.

This is a painful time but having been here has been a blessing because this has led me to the fellowship of Al-Anon and to a life in recovery. All I know right now is that I NEVER want to feel this way again. Through my recovery, I can work on me. Obviously, detachment is my biggest obstacle. It feels like amputation for me right now.

I am one of those people who needs to understand in order to process and let go. I have come to a deeper understanding of what has happened to me over the past year living with my ABF, and I am growing an understanding of who I am and the life I want to lead. But the snag is trying to understand the actions of my ABF right now. And brings it all back to what I can expect. Where is this all going?

Thanks for letting me share my emotional vomit!

fourmaggie

good for you to open the doors of AL ANON...that is the biggest step we can ever take...this is your recovery...grieving? ooooh yes sirree...you are! and that is all normal for what you are going through...for me, its been 18 mths...and your quote of "not going there" is rite on for me...and i am not going throu that ever again...that is my boundary...bitch or no bitch...i stand my ground for my health and healthy life and thinking and growing....

keep feeling...and keep growing...and keep and open heart to learn ALOT....

peace my friend!
~Maggie

to this wonderful group of soberrecovery...its the words of wisdom in these threads

dollydo

Welcome, sorry that you are having to face this issue.

I would suggest that you read all the stickies at the top of this forum and the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers, a wealth of information at your fingertips.

Have you read Codependent No More? If not I would suggest that you do so...it's a good first step for you to understand our nasty little disease...Codependentcy.

runningforlife

Thank you both for your replies.

dollydo - I am in the process of reading Codependent No More. It's a great book and I'm understanding more and more of what I'm going through. There just doesn't seem to be a comfortable way to work through this right now. But perhaps sitting with this pain each day is going to serve as a reminder some day that I never want to feel this way again. Thank you for your recommendation. It's just the book I need right now and you gave me just the reminder I needed to take some more time for myself and get back to reading it on a more consistent basis.

fourmolly - I applaud you for securing your boundaries. I know a day will come when I'm able to set my own in order to keep myself intact.

Eddiebuckle

RFL,

I appreciate the desire to understand and make sense of his actions, what they mean, and where all this is going. But perhaps its not quite that concrete, and frankly doesn't have all that much to do with you or your relationship.

I have no idea what is going through his mind, but I can tell you that "post-early-sobriety" is in some ways harder than early sobriety. I have just about two years sobriety, so the early/mid transition is recent past for me.

Initially just getting through the challenge of a single day without booze is an accomplishment, and often there are people around us who will affirm our sobriety and offer explicit support for what we are doing. Eventually that phase passes and sobriety is the expectation we and others have of ourselves, which leaves us with "the real world" to deal with. Facing up to the reality of jobs, bills, and the day to day disappointments of life - without the escape we used to have in alcohol - can be disconcerting. It's as though going through all the training and preparation for some great competition, and then realizing there is no finish line.

It seems to me that is when people in recovery start to understand (or it becomes clear that they don't) about the real distinction between sobriety and abstinence. Sobriety is the ability to enjoy life without alcohol or whatever it was that we previously used to avoid it. Perhaps that is where your bf is in his recovery.

Regardless, in some ways you are in a similar predicament. This isn't a movie script where everything comes together in triumph or catastrophe and all the clues fall into place with the meaning of it all suddenly revealed. In facing up to that we have two choices: run from it, or embrace it and learn to love life despite the messiness it entails.

Just my two cents...

Tuffgirl

I agree with Eddiebuckle (again, for the umpteenth time!)

And you could be me, only I married the guy and dragged my two teenager daughters through it all.

What can I say today? I don't understand it any more than I did three years ago. And I hate that feeling. But I am better off today for my actions of detaching and moving away from the toxicity of it all. My kids are more grounded and stable now, too.

Is it easy? Heck no! But each day it gets a little less painful and a lot more fulfilling. Hang in there, keep coming back, and keep talking. It really does help!
~T

runningforlife

Eddiebuckle - thank you for your reply and congrats on your 2 years! I really appreciate your thoughts and wisdom. Your thoughts on post-early-sobriety make a ton of sense. I can really appreciate that. Fortunately, he is in a place in his life right now where his parents and family are taking care of most of his daily obligations. He's not paying rent, his family is helping him financially with his bills, he doesn't have to go grocery shopping, do his own laundry, etc. They even bought him a car so that he can get to/from his job! Everything is being taken care of for him so that he can concentrate on working his program and his recovery. Unfortunately, from what it sounds like, he is more focused on his next educational move. It's hard to know what his priorities are. I also just found out that he's planning a trip in a few months to see a band he loves. Not only were the tickets outrageously expensive (because the show is sold out) but he has to fly there and stay at a hotel. Because I'm having a hard time detaching, this really upset me! He is willing to go way out of his way to see this performer, yet he cannot call me. And then this opens up the dangerous door of, who is he going to invite? Will he take a friend or family member? Is he seeing someone else because he's forgotten that we are on a break? Is this show long enough away where he will feel ready to ask me to join him there? Finding this out made it clear to me that I'm not on his radar at all right now. Secondly, he owes me money (which I know I'll never see!). It's just confirmation that he's not in a place where he is able to take responsibility for life's obligations. Asking for a break in the relationship to be selfish and self-centered to focus on recovery is one thing. What he seems to be doing is quite another.

Thank you, also, for pointing out the distinction between abstinence and sobriety. My immediate thought was how difficult it must be for my ABF to enjoy life without alcohol. That's going to be his biggest challenge. And going to see this performer in a city away from his family is not going to be easy for him. Going to see live music and enjoying a few beers has always gone hand in hand.

Tuffgirl - thank you for the encouragement. Yes, I know my situation could be much worse. Thankfully children are not in the picture. I was reading through the stickies at the top and stumbled upon the sticky about what "normies" wouldn't know. In my grief, I'm forgetting some of that stuff and am just focusing on all the good things I miss. It was a good reminder that at least right now I'm separated from having to see those things. Waking up in his urine, finding smashed glass all over the place and splattered food caked in places I can't even imagine how it got there. I could go on and on and I know we've all been there! I'm not quite to the point of seeing the big picture. I can't get myself to recognize all the things I'm NOT missing about him, and am unintentionally focusing on all of the good things that I love and miss with him. Thank you for your reminder. And to hear a sense of understanding with all of this doesn't come with time echoes what Eddiebuckle said - how it's just not that concrete. I have to just recognize it for what it is, even if I can't even begin to understand all this.

Thank you again!

Eddiebuckle

RFL,

Sounds liek he's got a pretty sweet setup back home. Doesn't mean he's not working a program, or that he is undeserving, but doesn't sound like he has to work much for what he's got. Very easy to fall into "king baby" mode in that environment.

Another AA nugget I picked up along the way is about resentments. Before I got sober I always saw resentments from the perspective of things "the world" did to me, and that absent "the worlds" actions I wouldn't have resentments. Now I try to remember (not always successfully) that the cornerstone of resentment is not the other persons actions, but my expectations of how I think they should act. When they don't play the way I want them to, I get resentment. The problem is - I have no right to expect anything of anyone else, even (perhaps especially) those I love most.

He told you he wanted a break. He said it was about his recovery. He likely meant it when he said it, and to this moment probably thinks that is what he is doing. But it doesn't seem that way to you (understandably so), which leads you to feel the way you do. But you do have a role in this - in your mind you did have a picture of what it meant and how it would play out when he said he wanted this break, and he sure as heck isn't doing it the way you imagined. That's not saying he's right, but that you do have some control and own how it is you react to all this.

As hard as it is, you should try to give up expectations of what he will do. He is an alcoholic, not far from his days of active use. What little you have shared about him would give me pause about the prospects of a healthy relationship in the near term. Use this time to be good to yourself, and know that most things of value don't come easily - whether the good that comes from this growth will include his presence in your life remains to be seen. More will be revealed...

Take care of yourself, RFL, you deserve more than you've gotten from this relationship lately.

runningforlife

Wow, what a powerful and meaningful reply. Thank you very much for your words of wisdom.

Everything you've said is absolutely eye opening. I hadn't realized until now that I did have an expectation of how this whole break and recovery thing would go. That sounds stupid, to say I didn't realize that I had set an expectation, but it's true -- there are many things like this that I'm not able to realize I'm doing yet because it's buried under this overwhelming blanket of grief right now. I'm sure denial is seated in there somewhere too. Although I know better after all the disappointments that occurred living with him over the past year, I may have been in denial this time around -- thinking this is such a big change, he is hundreds of miles away, he is really going to get better this time, things couldn't possibly go back to being as bad as they were before. That conversation he and I had about a break was a very positive conversation. I felt good about the direction we were headed in (even though it was painful) because I was left with a feeling that it was going to be different this time. I have been feeling like I don't have a choice in this matter. I'm sitting around waiting for him to make a decision about us. Well....I'm not sitting, per se, I'm working at my recovery as hard as I can (even though it might not look or sound like it at times). I read in Al-Anon lit that waiting time isn't wasted time. You are absolutely right: I do have an option in this. An option to choose how I react to all of this. I DO choose to not wallow in grief. I choose to take care of myself. I choose life. But choosing and getting there or doing those things seem unconquerable right now. I can't stand feeling this way anymore. I can make that choice, see the road I want to be on (it's right there!). It's like being stuck on one of those access highways that run along the main highway, but I just don't know how to get off the access road and onto the main road. I'm looking at the map. GPS is telling me where to go. I can see the turn I need to make but I just can't quite get there. Perhaps my car is stalled. That's quite possible. My self care has been nearly non-existent! I'm sure if I took better care of myself right now that I would be in a better position to get rolling again.

Thank you again for your reply. You seemed to have brought something from my dark depths into the light and I'm very grateful for being able to acknowledge this small step in recognizing and accepting.

dollydo

I really like your GPS senario, how insightfull!