Just when I thought she couldn’t surprise me anymore…
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Well the surprises continue. The appointment went great. Her therapist is a very sharp lady who I liked very much. I think one of my big concerns was that my wife was using her depression as a way of excusing her alcohol and pill use and wasn't sharing all of it with her therapist. I was wrong and happy about it. My wife seems to have shared all of it with her and I get the impression from her therapist that she is diligently working her recovery.
I had a very honest discussion with her about everything including my feelings that the marriage is dead. I also told her I would like to have a relationship with my wife but I am willing to be patient and build a new one, whatever it might be. I told her that I would never put myself in a place where I could be hurt like that again. We spent a bit of time talking about my recovery as well. A couple of times during the course of this she asked some very pointed questions of my wife based on what I said.
It turns out the therapist wanted to talk to me to fill things in for her so that she could adjust my wife's treatment accordingly. Wow.
We even went out for dinner together afterwards, my wife not the therapist. We had a good time there and had a very honest discussion about where we are now and what the short term future would bring.
All in all a very good evening.
BTW based on comments from both myself and my daughter she is dropping her application for the baby sitting job.
Your friend,
I had a very honest discussion with her about everything including my feelings that the marriage is dead. I also told her I would like to have a relationship with my wife but I am willing to be patient and build a new one, whatever it might be. I told her that I would never put myself in a place where I could be hurt like that again. We spent a bit of time talking about my recovery as well. A couple of times during the course of this she asked some very pointed questions of my wife based on what I said.
It turns out the therapist wanted to talk to me to fill things in for her so that she could adjust my wife's treatment accordingly. Wow.
We even went out for dinner together afterwards, my wife not the therapist. We had a good time there and had a very honest discussion about where we are now and what the short term future would bring.
All in all a very good evening.
BTW based on comments from both myself and my daughter she is dropping her application for the baby sitting job.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Hi Mike, to be honest I'm struggling here a little bit so I guess I'll say only this. My wife did wipe me out. If i'd divorced her at the beginning I would have saved myself thousands and thousands of dollars and the house. But, she did what your wife is doing and I relented-- that was the kiss of death.
When I finally did divorce her it was too late to protect what I had, but not too late to protect my future finances. As you know, years later she is sober and we are together again, but we remain unmarried and always will because I can't risk my personal financial safety by being married to a recovering alcoholic.
We call each other husband and wife, live as such, and intend to remain together until we die. But we are not married and we will not be married. We handle domestic issues using wills, and in our state we can insure each other because we are partners despite not being married. Car insurance is kind of a pain in the ass, but the rest is fairly easy.
Take care and good luck,
Cyranoak (who WILL NOT be able to retire at 65)
When I finally did divorce her it was too late to protect what I had, but not too late to protect my future finances. As you know, years later she is sober and we are together again, but we remain unmarried and always will because I can't risk my personal financial safety by being married to a recovering alcoholic.
We call each other husband and wife, live as such, and intend to remain together until we die. But we are not married and we will not be married. We handle domestic issues using wills, and in our state we can insure each other because we are partners despite not being married. Car insurance is kind of a pain in the ass, but the rest is fairly easy.
Take care and good luck,
Cyranoak (who WILL NOT be able to retire at 65)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I was more worrie about lawsuits wiping out what is left of my 401k. We sold the house a while ago and when we separated we divided up the property. Even in here worst bouts of alcoholism she has always been real careful about money. So I wasn't worried until I thought she was going to be working in a role where if she screwed up due to booze or pills it would open her and me for a law suit. My kids are adults and I am getting money from 2 pensions. I have already told her if she pulls anything funny with the money I will quit working, split the pensions with her and then I will move in with one of my kids. I could get by on that no problem but it would be a big issue for her. That is why my original plan was to be patient and see how this plays out. Only a couple of years until I can pull money from the retirement accounts with no penalty.
Your friend,
Your friend,
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
The sad part about marriage is that according to law, it's demise is/was nothing but a financial arrangement.
Prior to the late 1800's, all we "Love Birds" had to do was stand before a preacher and be blessed by god. Then the local government stepped in and decided that we needed a little piece of paper called a license. Even today, it is very inexpensive to secure a marriage license. Then comes the divorce, now we are talking, the court must decide how to dissolve the financial relationship....hmmm, what financial relationship? Why wasn't that mentioned when I applied for the license and signed on the dotted line...easy to answer, it is a big business, one that makes attorneys, judges and county officials very wealthy.
To me, it's all a load of crap.
As for you Mr, Mike, you are doing just fine.
Prior to the late 1800's, all we "Love Birds" had to do was stand before a preacher and be blessed by god. Then the local government stepped in and decided that we needed a little piece of paper called a license. Even today, it is very inexpensive to secure a marriage license. Then comes the divorce, now we are talking, the court must decide how to dissolve the financial relationship....hmmm, what financial relationship? Why wasn't that mentioned when I applied for the license and signed on the dotted line...easy to answer, it is a big business, one that makes attorneys, judges and county officials very wealthy.
To me, it's all a load of crap.
As for you Mr, Mike, you are doing just fine.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Mike,
Just a question: do you think (and I am not saying I think this... just asking the question bc it popped into my head) you are trying to still be involved in your wife's recovery (or lack thereof) to try and protect her? maintain a sense of control (I don't think you are controlling-- I hope this is coming across right...)...
I just worry a bit reading that you went from being shocked, determined to protect yourself and then talked to her T (I haven't met a T who wants to talk to the spouse of the patient tbh...) and had dinner with her and bc she is dropping the application to babysit (after your daughter and you expressed concern) now you're feeling less of a need to divorce?
I just worry about the rug being pulled out from under you.
Are you trying to protect your wife from the consequences of her own actions at all do you think?
Just a question: do you think (and I am not saying I think this... just asking the question bc it popped into my head) you are trying to still be involved in your wife's recovery (or lack thereof) to try and protect her? maintain a sense of control (I don't think you are controlling-- I hope this is coming across right...)...
I just worry a bit reading that you went from being shocked, determined to protect yourself and then talked to her T (I haven't met a T who wants to talk to the spouse of the patient tbh...) and had dinner with her and bc she is dropping the application to babysit (after your daughter and you expressed concern) now you're feeling less of a need to divorce?
I just worry about the rug being pulled out from under you.
Are you trying to protect your wife from the consequences of her own actions at all do you think?
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
WTBH, good questions and I have been thinking a lot about this. I am being really carefull about not going Codie on her recovery. It is hers to own and work. I have shared experience with her on how I have worked my recoverybbut nothing beyond that.
As for the divorce I had planned to be patient with it. Because of my age there are advantages to holding off if I can. We are living separately and this is not a financial problem for me. Since she was a stay at home mom I am going to have to pay alimony and probably healthcare. By staying married it is actually better for me as it doesn't lock me into payments and gives me more flexibility if something unexpected comes up. I was only feeling pressured because I thought she was putting me in a position where I could be liable if she screwed up.
As for protecting her from the consiquences of her actions she is really suffering with not being able to she her grandchildren. I am not involved in that at all, it is between her and our daughters.
Lastly and most important I have learned to pay attention to my higher power and it just feels right to be patient. I can always initiate a divorce at any time if it becomes necessary but I can't undo the consequences of moving too quickly.
Your friend,
As for the divorce I had planned to be patient with it. Because of my age there are advantages to holding off if I can. We are living separately and this is not a financial problem for me. Since she was a stay at home mom I am going to have to pay alimony and probably healthcare. By staying married it is actually better for me as it doesn't lock me into payments and gives me more flexibility if something unexpected comes up. I was only feeling pressured because I thought she was putting me in a position where I could be liable if she screwed up.
As for protecting her from the consiquences of her actions she is really suffering with not being able to she her grandchildren. I am not involved in that at all, it is between her and our daughters.
Lastly and most important I have learned to pay attention to my higher power and it just feels right to be patient. I can always initiate a divorce at any time if it becomes necessary but I can't undo the consequences of moving too quickly.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
glad you didn't take offense... i wasn't trying to be harsh at all-- and i know words on screen can come across very differently than intended so i am glad that you took my post in the spirit in which it was intended....
your plan sounds solid and well thought out and i'm all for sticking with the hp thing and seeing what comes next. one step at a time is my mantra! (one day at a time is too much-- i'm taking it by inches right now!)
your plan sounds solid and well thought out and i'm all for sticking with the hp thing and seeing what comes next. one step at a time is my mantra! (one day at a time is too much-- i'm taking it by inches right now!)
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