Being honest
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 16
Being honest
i have browsed these forums for months now... it is time for me to be a member and open about my experience instead of hiding them. My boyfriend of 3 years is a Alcoholic, he drinks about a 1/2 gallon every 2 days ... often more. He is currently considering help and has a doctors appointment next week to discuss options.
The other day we were talking, he asked me why I wanted him to get better, it is selfish. I want him to get better because I want more, i want a house, a dog in a few years maybe kids. Right now, he is no longer someone I can picture my life with past the now. I want forever not just for right now. I could NOT say this to him .... maybe i should....
The other day we were talking, he asked me why I wanted him to get better, it is selfish. I want him to get better because I want more, i want a house, a dog in a few years maybe kids. Right now, he is no longer someone I can picture my life with past the now. I want forever not just for right now. I could NOT say this to him .... maybe i should....
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Welcome to our SR family!
Glad you decided to stick around with us - but hate it is because of this disease.
For me, I have found peace, comfort and healing - thru Sober Recovery, Al-Anon, recovery literature and a relationship with the God of my understanding.
There are many tools for both of you - your boyfriend and you -
Never forget - it's ok to take good care of you too!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Glad you decided to stick around with us - but hate it is because of this disease.
For me, I have found peace, comfort and healing - thru Sober Recovery, Al-Anon, recovery literature and a relationship with the God of my understanding.
There are many tools for both of you - your boyfriend and you -
Never forget - it's ok to take good care of you too!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome, right now he is not good relationship material. A 1/2 gallon of any liquor in 2 days is a hugh amount of alcohol and he has a serious problem. Unfortunately, this is a progressive disease so it will get even worse unless he stops drinking and gets into a strong recovery program.
He will be an alcoholic all his life and there is no cure for this disease, it is only a matter of whether he is sober or not. Having a child with an alcoholic is, to me, irresponsible as the children will be predisposed to the gene for addiction. More than 50% will either become addicted or marry an addict, not a pretty story and so unfair to the child.
Read all the stickies at the top of this and the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers Forum.
Have you been to Alanon? If not, I would suggest that you do.
He will be an alcoholic all his life and there is no cure for this disease, it is only a matter of whether he is sober or not. Having a child with an alcoholic is, to me, irresponsible as the children will be predisposed to the gene for addiction. More than 50% will either become addicted or marry an addict, not a pretty story and so unfair to the child.
Read all the stickies at the top of this and the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers Forum.
Have you been to Alanon? If not, I would suggest that you do.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Welcome, I for one am glad you are here.
I agree whole heartedly with the Al-anon suggestion. It really helped me in all areas of my life.
I started to get better when I shifted from only holding onto what he said he would do and really started to look at what he actually did/do. I did not have to make up my mind immediately, but it helped a lot.
I agree whole heartedly with the Al-anon suggestion. It really helped me in all areas of my life.
I started to get better when I shifted from only holding onto what he said he would do and really started to look at what he actually did/do. I did not have to make up my mind immediately, but it helped a lot.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SC
Posts: 30
Hello Fenicfox and welcome!
I have a very simular story to yours, and like you, I would love all the things you mentioned above. My suggestion is to work on you. I've taken some serious time this week to do just that...no babysitting or counting cans and bottles...and it works wonders! I'm going to my first Alanon meeting tomorrow, and the drama is dwindling.
Boundaries would also be a good thing for you to think about and put into place.
I love my ABF a lot, but the best way to show that to him at the moment is that I love myself and him as separate people. We both need to work on ourselves, and if we don't meet in the middle, I have to be ready for that as well.
My ABF drank a half gallen in about 1.5 days along with 6 or 7 beers a night. He got better when he was going to counseling and the doctor, but now we are back where we started a year ago. That's when we started actively working on his problem. I've been with him over four years. I'm sure you're aware of the rollercoasters, but just didn't want you to feel alone in this.
I hope you come back and keep us updated ((hugs))
I have a very simular story to yours, and like you, I would love all the things you mentioned above. My suggestion is to work on you. I've taken some serious time this week to do just that...no babysitting or counting cans and bottles...and it works wonders! I'm going to my first Alanon meeting tomorrow, and the drama is dwindling.
Boundaries would also be a good thing for you to think about and put into place.
I love my ABF a lot, but the best way to show that to him at the moment is that I love myself and him as separate people. We both need to work on ourselves, and if we don't meet in the middle, I have to be ready for that as well.
My ABF drank a half gallen in about 1.5 days along with 6 or 7 beers a night. He got better when he was going to counseling and the doctor, but now we are back where we started a year ago. That's when we started actively working on his problem. I've been with him over four years. I'm sure you're aware of the rollercoasters, but just didn't want you to feel alone in this.
I hope you come back and keep us updated ((hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 16
Thank you everyone for responding, I am very happy that I stepped up and asked for support. 
I few things in response to comments
DollyDo, we have actually discussed the poor genetics that we both already have and determined that adoption is our only option. This was already something we agreed upon before he became an addict which just enhanced our determination that adoption was the proper choice for us.
Right now Al-anon is not an option for me, the only one in our area is actually the one his Mother attends (she had an alcoholic mother, go figure) so until he is comfortable talking to her about his addiction I don't want to overstep my boundaries.
I did this morning however buy 2 books off amazon to help in my own recovery.
One final note something that made me smile. Last night my ABF said something to me that was new and different than anything he had shared at this point. He said, "It's weird I am 50% sacred of being sober and never drinking again, but 50% exhilarated at the thought of never HAVING to drink again."
I few things in response to comments DollyDo, we have actually discussed the poor genetics that we both already have and determined that adoption is our only option. This was already something we agreed upon before he became an addict which just enhanced our determination that adoption was the proper choice for us.
Right now Al-anon is not an option for me, the only one in our area is actually the one his Mother attends (she had an alcoholic mother, go figure) so until he is comfortable talking to her about his addiction I don't want to overstep my boundaries.
I did this morning however buy 2 books off amazon to help in my own recovery.
One final note something that made me smile. Last night my ABF said something to me that was new and different than anything he had shared at this point. He said, "It's weird I am 50% sacred of being sober and never drinking again, but 50% exhilarated at the thought of never HAVING to drink again."
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 437
Originally Posted by Fenicfox 
The other day we were talking, he asked me why I wanted him to get better, it is selfish. I want him to get better because I want more, i want a house, a dog in a few years maybe kids. Right now, he is no longer someone I can picture my life with past the now. I want forever not just for right now. I could NOT say this to him .... maybe i should....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
Keep reading.
Your going to say...OMG I could never see myself in 'that' situation...
but .... if he doesn't get help...and sometimes even if he does...you will be.
You don't have kids with him. You aren't married. My advice..even though my al-anon tells me I shouldn't tell you what to do...
is get out now while you can.
This disease IS a family disease. It will affect you the rest of YOUR life whether he never drinks a drop again or not.
Getting out now...and attending al-anon is your best bet for a full and happy life.
I'm speaking as a 19 yr vetran of this disease with my husband and a child of an alcoholic. My home al-anon group has saved my sanity and given me good tools to make good choices for me and my kids.
But sometimes you just have to do what you know is right...and waiting..letting you figure this out on your own...maybe sooner..maybe later
well I'd like to see you avoid some of the pain from the get go.
At the very least ...go to a al-anon meeting. It will help you more than I can tell you.
Your going to say...OMG I could never see myself in 'that' situation...
but .... if he doesn't get help...and sometimes even if he does...you will be.
You don't have kids with him. You aren't married. My advice..even though my al-anon tells me I shouldn't tell you what to do...
is get out now while you can.
This disease IS a family disease. It will affect you the rest of YOUR life whether he never drinks a drop again or not.
Getting out now...and attending al-anon is your best bet for a full and happy life.
I'm speaking as a 19 yr vetran of this disease with my husband and a child of an alcoholic. My home al-anon group has saved my sanity and given me good tools to make good choices for me and my kids.
But sometimes you just have to do what you know is right...and waiting..letting you figure this out on your own...maybe sooner..maybe later
well I'd like to see you avoid some of the pain from the get go.
At the very least ...go to a al-anon meeting. It will help you more than I can tell you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Welcome!!!
That is not selfish. That is responsible.
I want him to get better because I want more, i want a house, a dog in a few years maybe kids. Right now, he is no longer someone I can picture my life with
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Right now, he is no longer someone I can picture my life with past the now.
Run, do not walk, from this man and this situation.
It's a million times harder to untangle from an alcoholic once you share kids, etc.
Ask me how I know!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 16
I talked with my ABF today, I told him that we need to work on ourselves. I let him know that is getting harder to be his Girlfriend. Once it was pure pleasure, now it is about 40% happy 60% a chore. 6 months ago we began talking about moving cross country together. I have set a date for the move and made it very clear to him that if he wishes to move with me he needs to save $XXXX. It has to be 100% equal. I somewhat know that the amount he would have to save at this point it unrealistic. My plan is to be with him now, love him, and help him as he enters recovery and hopefully when I move out an away in April he will be at a place that he can take care of himself in every way. If he is not, I will not feel bad leaving I did what I could for him. I am going to take this time I have with him to focus on me there are a lot of things I have always wanted to do or need to for my own health. Now is the time to do them
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
How badly do you want kids? If that's at the top of your list, you need to find another person to have kids and raise a family with.
You mentioned adoption. Most adoption agencies are strict about screening potential adoptive parents. If one of those parents is an active alcoholic, forget it.
If you go to al-anon, you're not overstepping any boundaries. How is that overstepping boundaries?
You mentioned adoption. Most adoption agencies are strict about screening potential adoptive parents. If one of those parents is an active alcoholic, forget it.
If you go to al-anon, you're not overstepping any boundaries. How is that overstepping boundaries?
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