Good days, Bad days... and then days like today...
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Good days, Bad days... and then days like today...
I'm a mess today. I hurt. I'm sad (to put it lightly). I feel completed rejected and worthless.
We are stuck living together in this house until it gets sold and/or temporary custody/separation agreements are in place. This is He!! on earth. I got home from being out of town during the day yesterday.... it was a long day (16 hrs away between driving/work), and I was tired and stressed out. I got home and had to listen to my LOUD talking AH on the phone with his bestfriend. He was going on and on about how great his new life is going to be... how he's sooo excited about these great new houses he's looking at... blah-blah-blah.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to leave - but I can't leave the kids home alone with him.
The whole situation sucks. Divorce sucks. The fact that he has "written me off" (which I know is just the face he is showing me) hurts. It's rejection - and I hate the way I'm letting it make me feel. I'm jealous of the fact that he's off house shopping... and looking in a price range that I can't afford. He's moving on with his life... without me. And he's acting like nothing bothers him... like he's not the reason that the marriage fell apart... that I'm fully to blame.
I have a checkup on Thursday as a follow-up for the melanoma - I'm dreading that. I'm behind on my work, taxes, etc - I just can't seem to focus. I got a speeding ticket yesterday because I wasn't paying attention. Our anniversary is this Sunday - and I want to just hide out for the weekend.
All that... is weighing on me today. I feel so scared and alone - and abandoned by the one person I want to be there for me (AH). So, I *know* that I need to get the focus back on me. I need to pour myself back into my recovery. Working on some gratitude will lift my spirit.
I spoke with my therapist and am going to call my regular doc to see about getting on anti-depressants. This phase of my life is just... tough. I need help. I know this will pass... but being honest about my feelings (depression) opens me up to getting the assistance I need to help this phase pass.
Thanks for listening... I'm grateful to have this place to come and vent when my sponsor, therapist, etc aren't available!!!
Shannon
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by GettingBy 
All that... is weighing on me today. I feel so scared and alone - and abandoned by the one person I want to be there for me (AH). So, I *know* that I need to get the focus back on me. I need to pour myself back into my recovery. Working on some gratitude will lift my spirit.
Glad you are going to see your doctor about some antidepressants. You are dealing with a lot of stress right now.
Try and do something nice for yourself, and sending you hugs of support!
:ghug3
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Do all that you can to be patient and kind with yourself. You've got the right idea that his being dramatic about his grand new life awaiting him is all BS. Just a show. Just a facade. If he keeps announcing it at the top of his lungs that life is a dream, he can deny reality and deny his part in the divorce.
Isn't that what seems to feed addiction...the escape from reality, escaping the truth because it's easier to hide behind the big curtain and bellow like the Wizard of Oz rather than admit we're vulnerable, afraid of change, and uncertain.
You had a confidence about you not long ago. You were moving forward and determined to get through this. Imagine what it must be like for a bird to be born. So vulnerable, so small, so tired and yet the will to be a part of this world is so strong, they continue to peck and push and break through that shell.
Just keep your head above water best you can. See the doc. Vent. Distract yourself with work and the kids. Take time out for self care. Keep focusing on you and your recovery....oh, and take a minute or two sometime and DREAM of what you might want in the future. What might make you happy. It all helped me through the chaos and kept me moving forward when all I wanted to do was crawl back into my egg and give up.
We can handle so much more than we realize and we can handle even more than that in the short term. It's not forever.....you will be in a new life before you know it and you will shake your head in amazement at how it all worked out.
One day at a time. We're here with you.
Hugs,
Alice
Isn't that what seems to feed addiction...the escape from reality, escaping the truth because it's easier to hide behind the big curtain and bellow like the Wizard of Oz rather than admit we're vulnerable, afraid of change, and uncertain.
You had a confidence about you not long ago. You were moving forward and determined to get through this. Imagine what it must be like for a bird to be born. So vulnerable, so small, so tired and yet the will to be a part of this world is so strong, they continue to peck and push and break through that shell.
Just keep your head above water best you can. See the doc. Vent. Distract yourself with work and the kids. Take time out for self care. Keep focusing on you and your recovery....oh, and take a minute or two sometime and DREAM of what you might want in the future. What might make you happy. It all helped me through the chaos and kept me moving forward when all I wanted to do was crawl back into my egg and give up.
We can handle so much more than we realize and we can handle even more than that in the short term. It's not forever.....you will be in a new life before you know it and you will shake your head in amazement at how it all worked out.
One day at a time. We're here with you.
Hugs,
Alice
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
with alcoholism comes immaturity. He just wants to hurt you and Shannon you've been here reading for a long time on how the disease progresses so please don't let him throw in your face how great his life is going to be because you know what is down the road for him if he doesn't seek recovery. I'm praying for a great outcome about the melanoma that in itself brings anxiety I know I've had cancer too. This too shall pass.
Praying for you today.
Praying for you today.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 111
Getting By, I have no words of wisdom for you and nothing really to say - only that I want you to know that you are not alone. I too am in the middle of a divorce and dealing with a AH who blames me for the demise of our marriage and our troubles now. He takes no responsibility and knows how to probe my weaknesses and exploit my insecurities. It is all very draining. Please know you are not alone and that you will get through this and that you are doing the right thing. Stay the course and look ahead to a better life and a future without the crazy he brings.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Thanks everybody!!
I'm so grateful for my recovery and being able to get honest about MY feelings and where I'm at. I do firmly believe that this too shall pass... and life IS moving in a positive direction!!
Alice, thanks for the note re: the disease/denial of addiction. I know that his actions right now are his addiction protecting itself. I need to remember to not take those things personally.
Today, this morning especially, is/was a bad day... but just a day. I'm still a far cry from where I was months ago. There is so much progress!!
On a positive note - the things that I did accomplish today:
1) Have a doc's appointment set up for Thursday to discuss ADs.
2) I set up an extra counseling appointment for Thursday afternoon.
3) I spoke with two engineering firms to continue discussions on my career options.
I have made some very big decisions this week... and that alone has really helped bring peace to me!
1) I decided that I will not pursue purchasing a new house for at least 6 months to a year after selling this one. I don't want to make a big long term decision like home ownership in the midst of large personal changes (divorce and career).
2) I've decided to pursue a job with an engineering firm and put my business inactive for the next year or two. I have been working at home, alone, for the past 5 years and it has led me to feel very isolated/cut off. I don't have health insurance through my business - it's through my husband, which I will lose in the divorce. In addition, the operation/management of the business has become extremelly stressful - resulted in more stress in my life than I want right now. Based on that, the best thing for me is to go work for somebody else for a while. I feel good about it. It's a decision that honors me and respects my current need to simplify my life and be kind to ME.
So... the next up on my list of transformation items...
1) find a place to rent! (I have been talking to my real estate agent and he has lots of ideas, including a cute village house his divorced son may very well be interested in setting up a rent-to-own situation!!)
2) continue discussions with engineering firms and find a position that meets my goals!!
and oh yeah... get the damn house sold!!
Thanks for letting me whine, vent and recover!!
Shannon
I'm so grateful for my recovery and being able to get honest about MY feelings and where I'm at. I do firmly believe that this too shall pass... and life IS moving in a positive direction!!
Alice, thanks for the note re: the disease/denial of addiction. I know that his actions right now are his addiction protecting itself. I need to remember to not take those things personally.
Today, this morning especially, is/was a bad day... but just a day. I'm still a far cry from where I was months ago. There is so much progress!!
On a positive note - the things that I did accomplish today:
1) Have a doc's appointment set up for Thursday to discuss ADs.
2) I set up an extra counseling appointment for Thursday afternoon.
3) I spoke with two engineering firms to continue discussions on my career options.
I have made some very big decisions this week... and that alone has really helped bring peace to me!
1) I decided that I will not pursue purchasing a new house for at least 6 months to a year after selling this one. I don't want to make a big long term decision like home ownership in the midst of large personal changes (divorce and career).
2) I've decided to pursue a job with an engineering firm and put my business inactive for the next year or two. I have been working at home, alone, for the past 5 years and it has led me to feel very isolated/cut off. I don't have health insurance through my business - it's through my husband, which I will lose in the divorce. In addition, the operation/management of the business has become extremelly stressful - resulted in more stress in my life than I want right now. Based on that, the best thing for me is to go work for somebody else for a while. I feel good about it. It's a decision that honors me and respects my current need to simplify my life and be kind to ME.
So... the next up on my list of transformation items...
1) find a place to rent! (I have been talking to my real estate agent and he has lots of ideas, including a cute village house his divorced son may very well be interested in setting up a rent-to-own situation!!)
2) continue discussions with engineering firms and find a position that meets my goals!!
and oh yeah... get the damn house sold!!
Thanks for letting me whine, vent and recover!!
Shannon
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 209
It has been my experience that the more people say how GREAT their life is, the less GREAT it really is......
People that are truly happy and content don't feel the need to broadcast it......
Hang in there-it will get better..
People that are truly happy and content don't feel the need to broadcast it......
Hang in there-it will get better..
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Shannon, thank you for your follow up post. I needed a message like that to be strong and keep on truckin. I'm feeling a bit down as it has become crystal clear to me that my AW is not putting any effort into recovery and that divorce is inevitable. I just need to make that first step. This saturday is my grandson's 2nd birthday so that is something to look forward to which means the following weekend is open. Looks like I'll be joining the club also. Thanks again for your strength today.
Your friend,
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
Hang in there sweetie. You are in the lion's den right now.
Can you do some small thing for yourself tonight? Hole up with a good movie, a good book, a good magazine? Eat yourself silly with chocolate? Look at home magazines and plan how you will decorate your new place with flea market finds?
Today I'm feeling down and it lifted my spirits a lot to make a stupid batch of rice crispie treats to surprise the kids with after school. Reminded me to keep moving forward on these bleak days...
Hugs. We are here for you.
Can you do some small thing for yourself tonight? Hole up with a good movie, a good book, a good magazine? Eat yourself silly with chocolate? Look at home magazines and plan how you will decorate your new place with flea market finds?
Today I'm feeling down and it lifted my spirits a lot to make a stupid batch of rice crispie treats to surprise the kids with after school. Reminded me to keep moving forward on these bleak days...
Hugs. We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Down the road HP will make it clear how strong you are/were getting through this and if you are like me post divorce just gets better.......no more drama, chaos, quacking, manipulation, putdowns, booze breath, etc......etc.....crossed eyes.....lies......I could go on all night.......
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Quack, quack, quack, said the STBXAH...
That's all it is.
I like the ear buds idea. You know, I'd much rather listen to Eric Clapton than pretty much anyone on this earth. (which I know is ironic, since EC has had his own addiction issues.)
That's all it is.
I like the ear buds idea. You know, I'd much rather listen to Eric Clapton than pretty much anyone on this earth. (which I know is ironic, since EC has had his own addiction issues.)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I have been thinking about this post all day.
I have had a number of days like this recently (my ex just got remarried, and we have been divorced less than 10 mths). It is hard not to get pulled down with it, then I struggle because I am upset and that still feels like a connection...that I don't really want anymore, but still exists. It is so exhausting and so confusing.
I finally figured out what I wanted to post though (rambling thoughts with rambling fingers).
I am grateful for my recovery because I can feel it all. Before I would try to stuff it, shellac it, and hide it. It only came back stronger and worse down the road when I did this. As hard as it is, it is only worse when I let it ferment (pun intended). I am grateful for the teachers that have shown me these very important life skills (reading here, Al-anon etc). I am grateful that there is enough room that I can sit with the hard stuff, the fear and the scary stuff, because that means that there is probably enough room for the good stuff to.
I am sorry for the hard stuff you are feeling today, but it feels to me like you are cleaning up some of the old stuff to make room for the new stuff.
I have had a number of days like this recently (my ex just got remarried, and we have been divorced less than 10 mths). It is hard not to get pulled down with it, then I struggle because I am upset and that still feels like a connection...that I don't really want anymore, but still exists. It is so exhausting and so confusing.
I finally figured out what I wanted to post though (rambling thoughts with rambling fingers).
I am grateful for my recovery because I can feel it all. Before I would try to stuff it, shellac it, and hide it. It only came back stronger and worse down the road when I did this. As hard as it is, it is only worse when I let it ferment (pun intended). I am grateful for the teachers that have shown me these very important life skills (reading here, Al-anon etc). I am grateful that there is enough room that I can sit with the hard stuff, the fear and the scary stuff, because that means that there is probably enough room for the good stuff to.
I am sorry for the hard stuff you are feeling today, but it feels to me like you are cleaning up some of the old stuff to make room for the new stuff.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 30
((Hugs)) to you, Shannon. It sounds like you have made some decisions that are the perfect ones for you at this point in your life! Sometimes, I think the stress of the unknown and in having to make big decisions is what weighs me down, so I bet you must be feeling a sense of relief about making those decisions regarding your living situation and in looking at new job opportunities. Just also wanted to say I'll be sending positive thoughts your way this Thursday for your Dr. checkup...hope it goes well!
-YB
-YB
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Hey Folks!!!
It's so true how "This too shall pass!". Those icky feelings... they don't stick unless I allow myself to wallow in them!! As I mentioned above, I did the "next right thing" for me... which included sending an email to my real estate agent about being interested in renting the house and then sent an email to one potential engineering company and a phone call to another.
By the end of the day, I had spoken to both companies - and have interviews set up for Tuesday and Wednesday next week
Both said they are "very interested" in me working for them!!! Yeah for me!! I have options for work!!! And as for the house, I got an email back late last night - the real estate agent said his son will cleanout/organize the house this weekend so I can stop by early next week
One of the things that has really really helped is visually my new life - a new home, a new job. I was stuck all this summer - afraid to give up what I have now. Now, I'm at a place where I want to give this life up so that I can blossom and grow
As for a new job/divorce... yes, I will make more money than I make now but that won't impact the divorce settlement b/c I'm not going after alimony. Child support is based on AH's income, not mine. Assets are divied up 50/50. Under NYS law, my health insurance under AH's family plan is terminated upon divorce. So, I could go to court and fight for alimony, and money for health insurance... or I can get a job, get my own health insurance, support myself (and then some)... and have peace of mind knowing that I am no longer dependent on AH. There are somethings worth fighting for... and others, that cost more than they are worth.
Today I'm grateful for my career, and my professional reputation... moving on would be so much scarier/harder without it.
Thank you all for the continued support!
Shannon
It's so true how "This too shall pass!". Those icky feelings... they don't stick unless I allow myself to wallow in them!! As I mentioned above, I did the "next right thing" for me... which included sending an email to my real estate agent about being interested in renting the house and then sent an email to one potential engineering company and a phone call to another.
By the end of the day, I had spoken to both companies - and have interviews set up for Tuesday and Wednesday next week
Both said they are "very interested" in me working for them!!! Yeah for me!! I have options for work!!! And as for the house, I got an email back late last night - the real estate agent said his son will cleanout/organize the house this weekend so I can stop by early next week One of the things that has really really helped is visually my new life - a new home, a new job. I was stuck all this summer - afraid to give up what I have now. Now, I'm at a place where I want to give this life up so that I can blossom and grow
As for a new job/divorce... yes, I will make more money than I make now but that won't impact the divorce settlement b/c I'm not going after alimony. Child support is based on AH's income, not mine. Assets are divied up 50/50. Under NYS law, my health insurance under AH's family plan is terminated upon divorce. So, I could go to court and fight for alimony, and money for health insurance... or I can get a job, get my own health insurance, support myself (and then some)... and have peace of mind knowing that I am no longer dependent on AH. There are somethings worth fighting for... and others, that cost more than they are worth.
Today I'm grateful for my career, and my professional reputation... moving on would be so much scarier/harder without it.
Thank you all for the continued support!
Shannon
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Originally Posted by GettingBy
Hey Folks!!!
It's so true how "This too shall pass!". Those icky feelings... they don't stick unless I allow myself to wallow in them!! As I mentioned above, I did the "next right thing" for me... which included sending an email to my real estate agent about being interested in renting the house and then sent an email to one potential engineering company and a phone call to another.
By the end of the day, I had spoken to both companies - and have interviews set up for Tuesday and Wednesday next week Both said they are "very interested" in me working for them!!! Yeah for me!! I have options for work!!! And as for the house, I got an email back late last night - the real estate agent said his son will cleanout/organize the house this weekend so I can stop by early next week
One of the things that has really really helped is visually my new life - a new home, a new job. I was stuck all this summer - afraid to give up what I have now. Now, I'm at a place where I want to give this life up so that I can blossom and grow
As for a new job/divorce... yes, I will make more money than I make now but that won't impact the divorce settlement b/c I'm not going after alimony. Child support is based on AH's income, not mine. Assets are divied up 50/50. Under NYS law, my health insurance under AH's family plan is terminated upon divorce. So, I could go to court and fight for alimony, and money for health insurance... or I can get a job, get my own health insurance, support myself (and then some)... and have peace of mind knowing that I am no longer dependent on AH. There are somethings worth fighting for... and others, that cost more than they are worth.
Today I'm grateful for my career, and my professional reputation... moving on would be so much scarier/harder without it.
Thank you all for the continued support!
Shannon
It's so true how "This too shall pass!". Those icky feelings... they don't stick unless I allow myself to wallow in them!! As I mentioned above, I did the "next right thing" for me... which included sending an email to my real estate agent about being interested in renting the house and then sent an email to one potential engineering company and a phone call to another.
By the end of the day, I had spoken to both companies - and have interviews set up for Tuesday and Wednesday next week
Both said they are "very interested" in me working for them!!! Yeah for me!! I have options for work!!! And as for the house, I got an email back late last night - the real estate agent said his son will cleanout/organize the house this weekend so I can stop by early next week One of the things that has really really helped is visually my new life - a new home, a new job. I was stuck all this summer - afraid to give up what I have now. Now, I'm at a place where I want to give this life up so that I can blossom and grow
As for a new job/divorce... yes, I will make more money than I make now but that won't impact the divorce settlement b/c I'm not going after alimony. Child support is based on AH's income, not mine. Assets are divied up 50/50. Under NYS law, my health insurance under AH's family plan is terminated upon divorce. So, I could go to court and fight for alimony, and money for health insurance... or I can get a job, get my own health insurance, support myself (and then some)... and have peace of mind knowing that I am no longer dependent on AH. There are somethings worth fighting for... and others, that cost more than they are worth.
Today I'm grateful for my career, and my professional reputation... moving on would be so much scarier/harder without it.
Thank you all for the continued support!
Shannon
Way to go, and you are so right on some things cost more than they are worth.
Your friend,
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
....."that cost more than they are worth".
So true for me at many points in my life.
Take good care, GB! It sounds like you have learned very well what you need to do to take that next right step for yourself.
Hugs, HG
So true for me at many points in my life.
Take good care, GB! It sounds like you have learned very well what you need to do to take that next right step for yourself.
Hugs, HG
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