Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 3
Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde
Hi, everyone. I found this site tonight after doing some research. I thought it would be a safe place to vent and maybe have an opportunity to talk to others who have experienced similar things.
For the past year and a half, I have been in a relationship with a man I've known all my life. We've always been friends and cared very deeply for one another but we were never in a position to pursue a relationship until the past couple years. Overall, it's been a wonderful, happy relationship. The problem is that I have concerns about his drinking. I knew he drank from the beginning because I've known him all my life, but I did not realize the full extent of his drinking. My boyfriend is a wonderful person when he's sober. But sometimes when he drinks, not every time, he can become angry and irrational.
Up until 3 months ago, my children and I lived with him. One night after he got very drunk, there was an incident that caused my children and I to move out. It was due to his drinking and my sons losing their temper and patience with him. However, it didn't take long before we were talking and "working things out" between us. Now we have seperate homes but my daughter and I stay with him on the weekends and my sons stay in my home. My sons are older teens, completely capable of taking care of themselves. My boyfriend still considers my daughter his child and treats both of us very well. But he has nothing to do with my sons because of the incident that caused us to move.
Despite everything, we still love each other very much and neither of us want to lose each other. But there are issues.
A good example of one of the issues happened just tonight. Sometimes he does this Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde thing when he drinks. He called me like we do every night. Immediately, I knew he had been drinking though he wasn't drunk. We had a good talk and hung up (Dr. Jekyl). A couple hours later, I sent him a "just thinking about you" message. He called and it was obvious he was drunk. He asked me who I was on the phone with at that time of night that I couldn't answer my phone (Mr. Hyde). I tried to rationally explain that I was not on the phone with anyone, I had just sent HIM a text to let him know I was thinking of him (ha, as if you can rationalize with a drunk person). Sometimes, he gets insecure when he drinks and questions if I'm cheating on him even though I've never given him a reason to doubt me. MOST of the time, he is ok but sometimes he gets completely irrational, like tonight. Then he gets angry and hangs up on me. Tonight was a little different because he called back and apologized and let me know he was not angry with me but at himself. He didn't explain when I asked why. Ususally when he does this, he'll be mad the rest of the night and the next day, it's as if it never happened.
Most times when he drinks, he gets very affectionate with me. But if he's already irriated when he starts drinking, it's a good indication it's not going to be a good night.
I appreciate a place to vent. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. Has anyone else experienced the Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde drinker or able to give insight into this? What causes the personality change?
For the past year and a half, I have been in a relationship with a man I've known all my life. We've always been friends and cared very deeply for one another but we were never in a position to pursue a relationship until the past couple years. Overall, it's been a wonderful, happy relationship. The problem is that I have concerns about his drinking. I knew he drank from the beginning because I've known him all my life, but I did not realize the full extent of his drinking. My boyfriend is a wonderful person when he's sober. But sometimes when he drinks, not every time, he can become angry and irrational.
Up until 3 months ago, my children and I lived with him. One night after he got very drunk, there was an incident that caused my children and I to move out. It was due to his drinking and my sons losing their temper and patience with him. However, it didn't take long before we were talking and "working things out" between us. Now we have seperate homes but my daughter and I stay with him on the weekends and my sons stay in my home. My sons are older teens, completely capable of taking care of themselves. My boyfriend still considers my daughter his child and treats both of us very well. But he has nothing to do with my sons because of the incident that caused us to move.
Despite everything, we still love each other very much and neither of us want to lose each other. But there are issues.
A good example of one of the issues happened just tonight. Sometimes he does this Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde thing when he drinks. He called me like we do every night. Immediately, I knew he had been drinking though he wasn't drunk. We had a good talk and hung up (Dr. Jekyl). A couple hours later, I sent him a "just thinking about you" message. He called and it was obvious he was drunk. He asked me who I was on the phone with at that time of night that I couldn't answer my phone (Mr. Hyde). I tried to rationally explain that I was not on the phone with anyone, I had just sent HIM a text to let him know I was thinking of him (ha, as if you can rationalize with a drunk person). Sometimes, he gets insecure when he drinks and questions if I'm cheating on him even though I've never given him a reason to doubt me. MOST of the time, he is ok but sometimes he gets completely irrational, like tonight. Then he gets angry and hangs up on me. Tonight was a little different because he called back and apologized and let me know he was not angry with me but at himself. He didn't explain when I asked why. Ususally when he does this, he'll be mad the rest of the night and the next day, it's as if it never happened.
Most times when he drinks, he gets very affectionate with me. But if he's already irriated when he starts drinking, it's a good indication it's not going to be a good night.
I appreciate a place to vent. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. Has anyone else experienced the Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde drinker or able to give insight into this? What causes the personality change?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((hopesndreams))) - welcome to SR!! When I first got here, I read a ton of other posts and found out I wasn't alone, and MY addict was pretty darned similar to other addicts and alcoholics (A's). To top it off, I'm a recovering addict (RA), so I know both sides of the fence.
It's in the wee hours of the morning, where I live but I'm sure more will be around a bit later.
The bad news is it doesn't sound like he's making any efforts to recovery. He's placed you in the middle of him and your sons (may want to read the Adult Children of Alcholics forum..it's pretty eye opening to how kids were affected by A's growing up).
You can't make him change, he's got to want that for himself. The good news is, recovery is out there for taking, and many of us DO recover.
You will hear that taking care of you and your kids is what you have control over..you have no control over him. It's hard to grasp that, and the fear is usually there of "what if it doesn't work out", but focusing on you and the kids is a really good thing.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
It's in the wee hours of the morning, where I live but I'm sure more will be around a bit later.
The bad news is it doesn't sound like he's making any efforts to recovery. He's placed you in the middle of him and your sons (may want to read the Adult Children of Alcholics forum..it's pretty eye opening to how kids were affected by A's growing up).
You can't make him change, he's got to want that for himself. The good news is, recovery is out there for taking, and many of us DO recover.
You will hear that taking care of you and your kids is what you have control over..you have no control over him. It's hard to grasp that, and the fear is usually there of "what if it doesn't work out", but focusing on you and the kids is a really good thing.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you, and we understand.
You said:
You have found a wonderful source of information and support for yourself.
Yes, the Jekyl/Hyde personality is common with addicts/alcoholics. I lived with one for 14 years. My family walked around on eggshells because we never knew which personality was going to show up that day.
It was not a healthy way to live and raise children. I was teaching them that we had to put our needs aside to placate a grown adult. We were trying to control another's behavior by changing ours. That is classic co-dependency. It happens to a lot of us while living/loving an alcoholic.
One of the first things I needed to accept about loving an active alcoholic was the 3 C's of addiction:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
The addiction belongs to the addict. It is up to the addict to control, change and fix their addictive personality.
It was up to me to control, change and fix my unhealthy environment. Please understand that alcoholism is progressive - it gets worse.
This is a link to a sticky (permanent) post from our forum. It contains steps that helped me find my way to a healthier life:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
This is also a link from this site that contains excerpts from the book Under The Influence. It helped me understand how alcohol had taken over the mind/body/soul of the addicted.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you, and we understand.
You said:
Originally Posted by hopesndreams 
don't have anyone I can talk to about this. Has anyone else experienced the Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde drinker or able to give insight into this? What causes the personality change?
Yes, the Jekyl/Hyde personality is common with addicts/alcoholics. I lived with one for 14 years. My family walked around on eggshells because we never knew which personality was going to show up that day.
It was not a healthy way to live and raise children. I was teaching them that we had to put our needs aside to placate a grown adult. We were trying to control another's behavior by changing ours. That is classic co-dependency. It happens to a lot of us while living/loving an alcoholic.
One of the first things I needed to accept about loving an active alcoholic was the 3 C's of addiction:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
The addiction belongs to the addict. It is up to the addict to control, change and fix their addictive personality.
It was up to me to control, change and fix my unhealthy environment. Please understand that alcoholism is progressive - it gets worse.
This is a link to a sticky (permanent) post from our forum. It contains steps that helped me find my way to a healthier life:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
This is also a link from this site that contains excerpts from the book Under The Influence. It helped me understand how alcohol had taken over the mind/body/soul of the addicted.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Welcome to SR. Since Pelican covered it so well I don't really have much to add except something I read here a while ago.
Jekyl and Hyde are a package deal. You can't have one without the other.
Please visit often. Read and post, its good to know you are not alone. Al-Anon is also a great resource. It has helped me to regain my sanity and my life.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
No one can say it better than Pelican! ; )
Welcome to SR. Time to read and find out what you are up against, because often, being alcoholism is progressive, we see more and more of the Mr. Hyde personality over time than Dr. Jekyll. I, too, had to move out for the sake of my sanity and my teenage daughters. The mood swings were too overwhelming for us to deal with and still have a life.
Educate yourself as much as you can on alcoholism so at least you won't be completely shocked and surprised. There are many good books on the subject.
I absolutely adore the Dr. Jekyll in my life. He was a funny, smart, wonderful man. It's My. Hyde that I couldn't live with anymore. So sad!
Hang in there,
~T
Welcome to SR. Time to read and find out what you are up against, because often, being alcoholism is progressive, we see more and more of the Mr. Hyde personality over time than Dr. Jekyll. I, too, had to move out for the sake of my sanity and my teenage daughters. The mood swings were too overwhelming for us to deal with and still have a life.
Educate yourself as much as you can on alcoholism so at least you won't be completely shocked and surprised. There are many good books on the subject.
I absolutely adore the Dr. Jekyll in my life. He was a funny, smart, wonderful man. It's My. Hyde that I couldn't live with anymore. So sad!
Hang in there,
~T
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
The hope for my Dr. Jekyll kept me in the relationship with Mr. Hyde way longer than was good for me.
When the interaction was with Mr. Hyde I would try to figure out how I had to do it next time so I would get Dr. Jekyll instead. It was exhausting, did not work, and honestly had nothing to do with me. I don't know which comes first the mood changes or the alcohol use, but I know they were linked in my loved one. According to him I was the only one who saw the bad side too (everyone else only saw him as fun).
I am glad you are here. Welcome and know you are not alone.
When the interaction was with Mr. Hyde I would try to figure out how I had to do it next time so I would get Dr. Jekyll instead. It was exhausting, did not work, and honestly had nothing to do with me. I don't know which comes first the mood changes or the alcohol use, but I know they were linked in my loved one. According to him I was the only one who saw the bad side too (everyone else only saw him as fun).
I am glad you are here. Welcome and know you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 46
Welcome! You are not alone. I can relate to what you are saying.
My AH binge drinks and when he does he gets emotional and clingy. Which I guess is better than being violent.
It is annoying though, isn't it?
Well keep reading on here and make friends, we are all in this together.
My AH binge drinks and when he does he gets emotional and clingy. Which I guess is better than being violent.
It is annoying though, isn't it?
Well keep reading on here and make friends, we are all in this together.
heartofamama
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 70
you know,
my mother is this way(jeckle-hyde), and she is not a substance abuser,
but HER PARENTS WERE. so were my dads parents.
cruelty & horrible behavior is not only from substance abusers.
the mental problems my mother has-- are toxic--without any substance to blame it on.
my sister & i suffered for years in that house & now
my sister's dead,@31yrs old.
and miserable bitch 'basket-case' mom is still hanging-in there
@ 84 yrs old.
give me a break.
my mother is this way(jeckle-hyde), and she is not a substance abuser,
but HER PARENTS WERE. so were my dads parents.
cruelty & horrible behavior is not only from substance abusers.
the mental problems my mother has-- are toxic--without any substance to blame it on.
my sister & i suffered for years in that house & now
my sister's dead,@31yrs old.
and miserable bitch 'basket-case' mom is still hanging-in there
@ 84 yrs old.
give me a break.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I sometimes think that my ex was the king of the Dr Jeckyl/Mr Hyde thing. I remember this one time, he came home from work and he was raging at me. All of a sudden his phone rang, he was the nicest person that you could imagine. He took the phone call into the garage.
He then came back into the house. Wanted to know if I wanted to go out to dinner? My head was just spinning with this. He was raging for at least a half hour, now he is all nice and wants to take me out!!!!!!!!!!
Other times I could remember just sitting there and watching him. I knew the exact moment that he would "go". His whole face would change, He wasn't really "there" anymore. I could see it in his eyes, his posture, everything would change. All of a sudden he would become like a "predator". Just looking to attack. Nothing made sense anymore. He would actually growl at me. The only thing that would come out of his mouth from then on, were insults, or taunts.
I know my ex was an alcoholic, the reason I stayed so long, was I hoped he would get help with his mental problems. He started to do this whether he was drunk or not.
He then came back into the house. Wanted to know if I wanted to go out to dinner? My head was just spinning with this. He was raging for at least a half hour, now he is all nice and wants to take me out!!!!!!!!!!
Other times I could remember just sitting there and watching him. I knew the exact moment that he would "go". His whole face would change, He wasn't really "there" anymore. I could see it in his eyes, his posture, everything would change. All of a sudden he would become like a "predator". Just looking to attack. Nothing made sense anymore. He would actually growl at me. The only thing that would come out of his mouth from then on, were insults, or taunts.
I know my ex was an alcoholic, the reason I stayed so long, was I hoped he would get help with his mental problems. He started to do this whether he was drunk or not.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by Impurrfect
No, he’s not making an effort to recover. When his sons try to talk to him about his “problem” he gets very angry and acts as if they are being ridiculous. Since the last episode that they fought over his drinking, I’ve noticed my BF has started trying to hide his bottles when his sons are around. I’m not sure if he really believes he doesn’t have a problem or if he knows but refuses to acknowledge it.
As far as my sons…that is such a tough situation. It’s been tough on everyone. My sons still love him and would love to make up with him but he flat refuses. I’m not sure whether that’s because he will have to admit he was in the wrong (and his drinking was to blame) OR if because of distorted perception from his drinking that night, he actually believes he was a victim. Either way, he insists it was unprovoked and says he will never forgive them. Soooo many issues with that situation if we are going to stay together for the long term.
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
Are you still with him or did you let it go? I adore my BF very much, always have, probably always will. It goes back to childhood when I had the biggest crush on him and the feelings grew as we got older. The thought of having to walk away from him tears me up. Right now, don’t know if I’d even be capable of it.
Originally Posted by Stlsunny12
I don’t know if my BF is a true alcoholic or a binge drinker. He can go for days without a drink and sometimes he will have a couple in the evening and that’s it. Other times, he starts drinking and the next thing I know he’s drank nearly half of a 1.75 liter bottle of whiskey.
For me, it doesn’t really annoy me when he gets affectionate when he drinks. At least he’s happy then. My BF doesn’t get violent when he drinks but if he has a Mr. Hyde type drunk, he can get very aggressive and will sometimes try to pick a fight if there are other males around (hence the problems with both his sons and my sons but not with me and my daughter). Strange thing to me is that he doesn’t get aggressive like that with his male drinking buddies, only our sons.
The bad news is it doesn't sound like he's making any efforts to recovery. He's placed you in the middle of him and your sons…
As far as my sons…that is such a tough situation. It’s been tough on everyone. My sons still love him and would love to make up with him but he flat refuses. I’m not sure whether that’s because he will have to admit he was in the wrong (and his drinking was to blame) OR if because of distorted perception from his drinking that night, he actually believes he was a victim. Either way, he insists it was unprovoked and says he will never forgive them. Soooo many issues with that situation if we are going to stay together for the long term.
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
I absolutely adore the Dr. Jekyll in my life. He was a funny, smart, wonderful man. It's My. Hyde that I couldn't live with anymore. So sad!
Originally Posted by Stlsunny12
My AH binge drinks and when he does he gets emotional and clingy. Which I guess is better than being violent.
It is annoying though, isn't it?
It is annoying though, isn't it?
For me, it doesn’t really annoy me when he gets affectionate when he drinks. At least he’s happy then. My BF doesn’t get violent when he drinks but if he has a Mr. Hyde type drunk, he can get very aggressive and will sometimes try to pick a fight if there are other males around (hence the problems with both his sons and my sons but not with me and my daughter). Strange thing to me is that he doesn’t get aggressive like that with his male drinking buddies, only our sons.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 386
Just wanted to say you're not alone -- I'm there now, although we've never lived together and there are no children involved (I can only imagine how much more difficult that makes everything). I have no answers for you, just offering support.
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