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Old 10-15-2011, 05:15 PM
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so here it is...

five weeks after our break-up and he's already bought a house. now THAT hurts.
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Old 10-15-2011, 05:19 PM
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I'm sorry, hon, but a house is just a house. It isn't a home. You're going to be okay. Hang in there.
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Old 10-15-2011, 05:25 PM
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thanks, suki. i think, more than anything, it hurts because it's part of that dream i had for us which is now dead. i own my own house (which IS a home...a family home, to be exact) and we had talked A LOT about him moving in with me. this just hits home to me how little i meant to him and how quickly he has moved on. i'm still a mess, and he's out buying a freakin' house. ugh.
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Old 10-15-2011, 05:28 PM
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Just a material thing, four walls a house, not a home.

Sorry that you are hurting. Keep working on you.
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Old 10-15-2011, 06:44 PM
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I know feeling like someone was moving on faster than me felt yucky. It was easier (and probably more realistic for me) when I realized that what I view as moving on is probably a version of stuffing feelings etc. I have done that before, and know that I have grown enough that regardless of how much it hurts...stuffing only makes it hurt worse, and come out ten times bigger down the road.

I think you should feel good that you are feeling this hard stuff now.
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Old 10-15-2011, 07:01 PM
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Yup, it's possible he is doing a "geographical" without moving to another location. Could be just busy-work to avoid issues.

He's not moving on, just moving.
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Old 10-15-2011, 08:18 PM
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Houses have these lovely things called mortgages. Had you stuck around, your name could have been on the mortgage and leaving could have been astronomically messier. Let him have his house. Make a home for yourself.
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Old 10-16-2011, 06:44 AM
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thanks, everyone. i, honestly, don't think that a house will make him any happier, but i believe HE thinks it will. and that's okay. he's doing what he needs to do at this point, and i'm still trying to wade through the muck.

he isn't the most financially responsible person (shocker!!!) and, while he makes REALLY good money, he doesn't do a great job of actually paying his bills on time. he's been on a month-to-month lease at his apartment complex for the past six months and has had trouble EVERY single month with his rent. i can't imagine what will happen if he starts his downward spiral and has to maintain a house. YIKES!!!

as for me, well...the house that i own belonged to my grandparents. it is a house that my mother, aunts, and uncle were all raised in, and one that i love dearly. it needs A LOT of work, but it is all mine. xabf never wanted to come over, and when he did, he wasn't comfortable. i'm learning that that had NOTHING to do with me or my house, it was simply that he felt out of sorts because he wasn't in his "haven."
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Old 10-16-2011, 07:07 AM
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Yeah, my ex got a girlfriend in about two minutes because he cannot ever be alone and that really hurt. I of course don't even WANT to date right now but it still bugs me. Even though you know what's right, seeing the other person move on always stinks.
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Old 10-16-2011, 01:48 PM
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you're right, ladybug, it TOTALLY stinks. this too shall pass, though, right?
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Old 10-16-2011, 02:52 PM
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I hear ya shawty. My soon to be Xah is already out shopping for a new house. We havent even sold the one we own now. He told me the price range he's shopping in and its a lot higher than what I can afford/was considering. I was initially hurt and jealous... and then I remembered... his life isn't my business anymore. I'm free to live my life and so is he. I think my AH is nuts to be shopping for a house 1) before we've sold this one and 2) resolved assets/liability/child support ... but I keep my mouth shut.

What helps me most is gratitude. I'm grateful to see clearly. Grateful I am in recovery. Grateful that I have good financial sense for myself. And really grateful that I'm getting a divorce and freeing myself from this anchor around my neck.

Focus back on yourself... and this too shall pass. Embrace your freedom.
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Old 10-16-2011, 03:27 PM
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I hate to generalize, but this is something men do (try to move on quickly) while women sit with their painful feelings. Of course you feel hurt, I certainly would/have). Stay busy, go to Al-anon and one day you'll be completely free emotionally.
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Old 10-16-2011, 03:37 PM
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thanks, shannon. i'm definitely struggling with the whole gratitude thing today. my head is telling me that i have dodged a HUGE bullet, but my heart is still aching for my lost love and bitter that things have turned out in this manner.

i think, right now, i'm scared sh*tless, even though i've been fully independent (financially...not so much emotionally) for years. i'm very aware of TIME today and, although i'm only 31, the realization that i've had three failed relationships (one marriage and two with addicts) has kinda left me feeling like i'm spinning my wheels and stagnating. quite frankly, the very thought of having to put myself out there again is a bit nauseating (which tells me i am in NO way ready to fully move on).

i'm doing my best to focus on me, but i have got A LONG way to go!!!
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Old 10-16-2011, 03:41 PM
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ah, yes, nyc...that is so true. thanks for the support!
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Old 10-16-2011, 04:01 PM
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Well shawty, I'm 35... Two kids... And soon to be divorced. For me, im grateful to be getting out of this so young!! And with the help of al-anon and a counselor who specializes in addiction... I'm healing emotionally. One foot in front of the other... And its going better than I could have ever imagined! Keeping an open mind and heart has been a huge help.

When I feel hurt and sad, I have come to find that its because I'm grieving the loss of the dream... Not the reality of what was. I know who my AH is as a person. I know what he is and isn't capable of giving me, today... And based on those truths, I need to move on for me. I need to learn how to love myself, find the healing powers within me... And in time, if I'm meant to have a partner... When the time is right,it will happen!

I too am able to support myself and the kids financially... And that my friend is a true blessing. I feel fortunate to be able to check that off the to-do list... And know that it leaves me extra energy for the emotional recovery.

Getting a sponsor and working the steps ( in addition to the counselor) was like getting a steroid shot for my recovery healing. My sponsor is god sent. I take so much to her... The good, the bad, and the ugly... She doesn't have the answers but what she does give me is experience, strength, hope... And perspective!!!

As I heal, I'm falling in love with me... And realizing that any future partner is going to have to really earn time with me . I firmly believe (finally) that I'm worth it!!

Thanks for letting me share again
Shannon
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Old 10-16-2011, 04:21 PM
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
I hate to generalize, but this is something men do (try to move on quickly) while women sit with their painful feelings.
For me, I think moving on quickly has more to do with emotionally immaturity... Which isn't gender specific!! The other thing that I've noticed about emotionally immature people... All their exes are crazy!
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Old 10-16-2011, 04:24 PM
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you're awesome, shannon. and, you're so right, i AM grieving the loss of the dream.

in reality, my xabf was not available to me. he wanted me when it was convenient for him, and wanted to push me away when things got rough. he wanted me to support him in all endeavors, but was hesitant to offer me the same. all was fine and dandy when he needed something because he knew i would be there to listen and offer a helping hand, but when i needed something, he got irritable and shut down. that is not what i want in a relationship. i *know* that i deserve more than this, i just have to heal enough so that i really believe i'm as awesome as my sweet friends and family tell me i am.

as far as al-anon is concerned, i admit that i have been very hesitant to return, although i did go for two months while my xabf was attending aa. there is only one face-to-face meeting that i am able to attend, and it only has THREE members. i felt pressured to share, and quite honestly didn't know WHAT to share, because i didn't feel like my xabf and i had truly gone through that much. also, i kinda felt like i was infringing on his territory since both meetings occurred in the same meeting house, and one of the members went to both meetings. i do have several of the books, though, and i have been reading them a lot. i've also got the four-title melody beattie bundle on my kindle, so i'm all set up to read about codependency!

thank you for your words of wisdom. everything i read leads me one TINY step farther along my path.
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