Ladybug0130

I have a similar story to yours, and I just wanted to say I am very proud of you for calling the cops. I think most women would have risked their families lives in order to spare themselves the embarrassment of a DUI. You are a strong woman!

I hope your husband gets help. It's a good sign that he feels remorse. I thought I was going to read that he was mad at you for calling the cops on him or something, that's what would have happened with my STBXAH.

tryingtoparent

Tears, Hang in there and know that all families have their issues. I just testified in a legislative hearing on repeat DUI's and making some changes to the law. I didn't testify as a victim or family of a victim of a drunk driver, I testified because my kid IS a drunk driver. No one from the public was there but two people who I guess were media or worked in the legislature came up to me to thank me for speaking out, thanked me for being brave. Their kids were being coddled by the legal system too. Alcoholism is a disease and by hiding it or avoiding confronting it we'll never get to the point of winning over it. I read the book No More Letting Go and several other books that encouraged me to fight for my daughters health not give up assuming I am helpless. You should know you are not alone and you are lucky to have this info now. (not after something permanent happens) Hang in there!!(((())))

Leaping

I can tell you that everyone else has their own struggles and imperfections. You never know what is going on behind closed doors and there is nothing to be gained by comparing their outsides to your insides. You deserve to be happy and to be loved and cherished. I find it easier to cope when I dont listen to my STBXAH words but instead watch his actions. This is will tell you if he is serious about stopping drinking. If his actions continue to be manipulative and untrustworthy then you can decide if that is the marriage you want and the environment for your children to grow up in.

tearsofaclown

Just got off the phone with my boss who witnessed me at the side of the road with the police. I am embarrased to say that I lied about what happened and said that my husband had been caught speeding multiple times and the police had pulled him over. But, I don't know what she reallly saw. Did she see him being put in handcuffs? I am new at this job and I really love it and I am just mortified and humiliated and traumatized all over again. I hate being caught in a lie I am always honest with people, but I am not
ready to be honest about this. I feel scared.

tearsofaclown

My husband has said and done all the right things. He has thanked me for calling the police. He has spoken to our children about what he has done and apologized to them. He has told me the truth about the extent of his drinking. He has attended an AA meeting and gotten the numbers of two people in the group he can call. He is making plans to attend another AA meeting this week and says that he will never drink again for the rest of his life. I know, I know, you guys have probably all heard that before I am sure. I am still in shock and I feel like my boss knows everything, and I am ashamed that I lied

Tuffgirl

You will be amazed at how much easier it is to tell the truth. Try it. Sit down with your boss and tell the truth. Open the floodgates and let it all out. Secrets keep people (and family systems) sick. You don't have to go into all the gory details, but alcoholism/addictions thrives in secrecy - obviously you have learned this already with your husband's secret drinking.

Don't be embarrassed by it - embrace it with an attitude of positivism that all will work out as it is supposed to.

P.S. When I finally talked with my boss, I found out she was married to an alcoholic and her story was much worse than mine! And then my co-workers started sharing their stories of experiences with an alcoholic and low and behold...it is way more common than we think.

akrasia

I can absolutely understand your fear about your boss, and I would feel the same way I promise.

Bottom line: this is not your boss's business. Is it affecting your job performance? No, it isn't, and it won't.

You needn't feel bad about lying. She put you on the spot and you told a white lie out of embarassment/shock. If I were you I would plan to meet with her on Monday morning. Keep it brisk and professional: "Hey, thanks for your concern when you saw us pulled over. No one was hurt and we'll be okay. I won't bore you with the gory details, and anyway I'm much more intersted in [new project, new client, etc.]." If she's clueless and persists with "what happened, what happened?" just repeat, "Thanks for your concern but we're okay, so what about [new client]?"

Frankly I think she was out of line calling you at home after seeing you pulled over with your husband. Unless she saw an ambulance or something, she was clearly just trying to satisfy her curiosity. I can't imagine doing that to someone I supervise.

akrasia

"Sit down with your boss and tell the truth. Open the floodgates and let it all out."

I would absolutely not recommend this. No, it's not something to be ashamed of, but that doesn't mean that it's everyone's business. It's not the boss's business at all, unless something specific comes up that would affect job performance ("I'll need Friday afternoon off for a family matter.") This is a new job, right? So the boss is not an old friend. Some bosses are great, some are not so great, and there's a danger that boss will be weird, unsupportive, or gossipy about it.

Also, some bosses would not be impressed by a total confession like this. If I had a new employee come in my office and give a tearful full-out play-by-play description of a family crisis, of course I'd feel very empathetic and I'd promise my support, but I'd also be a bit weirded out about the lack of boundaries. I'd wonder why they're not processing all this with a friend or a family member or a therapist. All that's needed is a brief, "Need Friday off for a family issue," and a proven ability to do the work, and we're good.

MTSlideAddict

It’s okay to feel sad and scared. Those are real, raw emotions. Those emotions will pass. It really is not any of your coworkers business. Share only the information you wish, and don’t feel bad about not bringing everyone up-to-date with your personal affairs. After my husband’s suicide attempt (boy that is still hard to type) I had to continue to go to work. I am new to my job too. With most of my new coworkers I didn’t want to reveal my family’s deep dark secrets, so I would just reveal the good things about my life when asked. Most of my coworkers still do not even know that my husband is an alcoholic, let alone the emotional turmoil I have endured with his alcoholism. A few, I confided in, and sure enough another lady had experience with an alcoholic husband. I am grateful for her support.

akrasia

You really sound together and focused. You'll be okay, I can tell.

tearsofaclown

Thank you everyone. I really, really, really need the support right now.

MTSlideAddict

I know it is tough, but you'll make it. I felt as you are now, and I'm still standing.

painterman

I don't think you should worry too much about this, any person worth your respect would not judge you for the behaviour of your husband. I understand why you don't want to broadcast it, but my guess is that you would be shown nothing but support and understanding.

MyBetterWorld

You might be surprised at how understanding a boss can be. I have gone through what you are going through. I tried to hide it at work, until I just couldn't hold it in anymore. My boss has actually been one of the biggest sources of help and comfort and understanding. Her father was an alcoholic. Her brother is an alcoholic. She gets it. What a relief it was to finally let it out.
I know that you feel everyone around you has the perfect life. I bet there is someone that you don't know, who thinks the same about you...things are easily hidden. Everyone has stuff going on, and one thing I found out during my years of dealing with this, is that alcoholism is rampant. I can spot it across a room now, in the line at the grocery store, I can see it. Smell it. The same people I thought had such perfect lives.
You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. You DIDN'T do this. He did. Don't forget that. There is nothing you can do to stop him from drinking. You are not that powerful. You don't make him drink, and you can't stop him.
I stayed. For a few years. I have young children. They understand more than you think. I left just over a year ago. Things are not perfect. It's hard to single parent. Money is always tight, I always feel rushed and stressed. But my kids have a good, stress free life. And that's what counts.
Hugs to you. We all know what you are going through. We've been there.
M

Carol Star

I stayed until I couldn't anymore. My therapist said my integrity got me out. I covered up for him, prayed, lied, begged, went to see him in jail for 6 months where he whined and I cried,mowed alot of grass while he was locked up, begged judges, paid lawyers, paid the bills, brought home the bacon, drove him, took him to treatment, bought him cases of non-alcoholic beer, brought him home from treatment when he complained it was a mental institution.....bla bla bla.....it wore me out. I let go. Moved out, signed papers.....aaaaahhhhh......alot of tears- alot of trying to change a grown man who did not want to change. Alot of hiding stuff from the kids. Then the kids had trouble with substances but have grown out of it hopefully. I would say a little prayer and be honest with the boss. You didn't do anything wrong- but you don't want to lie.

wellnowwhat

Everyone has stuff going on, and one thing I found out during my years of dealing with this, is that alcoholism is rampant. I can spot it across a room now, in the line at the grocery store, I can see it. Smell it. The same people I thought had such perfect lives.

Yup, me too. I see the "steadying" gestures. I can hear the faintest of slurs. I notice the slow, practised, deliberateness of movement intended to hide impairment.

Programmatic

When I compare my insides to other people's outsides I always find myself measuring up short.

I just don't know how my outsides look because I only see from the inside out.

vujade

There is no such thing as a perfect life. Some just go about hiding it better than others. It is my personal belief that those of us who can admit and face the imperfections are FAR ahead of those who still live in secrecy and denial.

Which leads me to my second thought in regards to your boss. When we are first accepting the reality of our situation, we hang on to that denial. Nothing says you have to divulge all your personal details. I'm going to offer you some ESH (Experience, Strength and Hope). When I started opening up about the truth in my marriage, I received some support I needed to deal with things. I had also started a new job just weeks before my XAH didn't come home for the first time. I tried so hard to deal with it and not let people know. It was impossible. It affects your life so completely that you end up creating more speculation than not. No one says that you have to spill all the details, but getting caught in a lie will cause more concern than by possibly saying "I have come to the harsh reality that my husband is an alcoholic." However, we all need to take these steps as they feel right to us. No other way to do it.

Finally, as so many others have said, open-minded education is INVALUABLE in these situations. Again, my ESH...when I first started educating myself about alcoholism, I didn't have a very open mind. First, I was looking for what was wrong with HIM...not ME. Second, I think I was using it in a way to rationalize our situation...that it wasn't AS BAD as someone else's. My life turned around when I started educating myself on the facts of alcoholism (instead of just the stories or one person's specifics), focused on myself (my needs and MY role in the chaos) and what I could and, more importantly, could not control.

Many, many hugs to you and your babies. Alcoholism is like a tornado. Everything in its path is damaged...we just never know to what degree until it has passed through.

tearsofaclown

I lied to my boss. I can't even absorb what is happening in my own life, let alone share it with other people. I hate people knowing my business, and perhaps that's wrong, and something I need to work on. I need to just cope right now, and I can't face this new reality and deal with people feeling sorry for me and my drama. When the time comes, I will tell the truth, but right now I am barely keeping my head above water.

This experience is so surreal. I feel a tremendous sense of relief, because that nagging feeling I have had for years that something is wrong has finally been confirmed. I am still feeling traumatized. I feel kind of cold towards my AH, as he beats himself up for all the harm he has caused us. I am secretly pleased that he spent the night in jail with other drunks, and had to make his own way home without his shoes. But I haven't kicked him out. Does that make me weak? Part of me is dumfounded how someone who loves our children so much deliberately put them in harm's way by choosing to drink while driving them. How in the hell does that happen? I don't understand this disease, that took the loving, moral, devoted father of my children and turned him into a selfish and morally questionable person. I just don't understand at all.

StarCat

Alcohol is a powerful and baffling disease. While in some ways your husband has a choice, in other ways he has no choice at all because the Alcohol has already convinced his brain that he needs more or he will die. Addiction is very powerful.

Feelings are good, even if you don't feel comfortable with those feelings. Feel - accept them for what they are, good bad or indifferent, because that is how you feel, and there's nothing wrong with that. So often we sacrifice our feelings to this disease, too, and that only gets us more lost.

Also, about lying to your boss? That's okay, we've all done it at some point, and to be honest it is up to you and how you feel about it to determine whether or not you want to share the details with her. In my case my boss knew something was going on, and even sat me down to talk about it, but he didn't press. He said something along the lines of, "I know something's bothering you, and I'm not going to pry to demand that you tell me, but it is important to me that you know I'm available to listen if you want to talk, and I'm available to help in any way I can if you feel you want my help. I am going to make you promise me that you'll take this offer seriously, and then I'll never bring it up again unless you bring it up first."
It was hurtful that he noticed something was going on, because it meant I wasn't hiding it as well as I thought, but all things considered I feel he broached the subject in a very respectful manner. To this day I never told him what was going on, and he's never brought it up again, aside from once when he commented that he didn't know what was going on but that he noticed the giant change in my behavior and my productivity recently and to keep doing whatever I was doing because it was clear it was working for me. He was even hesitant to bring that up - I saw the gears turning in his head for awhile as he decided whether or not it would be appropriate to comment. (It was clear he wanted to say something, so I opened the door by saying there was a slim possibility that I might have to report someone to HR for harassment, that it wasn't any of the people in this department so I didn't want him to talk to anyone or anything, but that I didn't want him to be blindsided in case HR wanted something from him.)

In other words, my manager has been nothing but supportive and professional, but he still doesn't know any details because I don't want to tell him. That's not because I don't trust him, but simply because I do not feel comfortable doing so, nor do I feel it's appropriate since he couldn't have done anything to help anyway.

Small lies are acceptable, I feel, when they're trying to enforce a privacy boundary.
Just make sure you're not telling because you don't want to tell, rather than to try to hide your husband's secret, and if the answer is that you're doing it for you, then you're doing the right thing.