January28

I'm glad I found these boards because I am struggling with my daughter dating a recovering alcoholic and addict. He is 8 months clean. This is her first boyfriend and she believes she will marry this man. They have only been dating a few months. He was honest and upfront about everything, but she chose to give him a chance. I want to give him a chance also, but a big part of me knows that this could be the worse mistake of her life. I guess I want to believe he's able to kick this. He says he is not tempted to drink, and he doesn't mind if my husband or someone else is socially drinking around him. He knows if he goes back to drinking and drugging that he will lose everything, His kids, my daughter and his job. Is 8 months long enough to know if someone has a really good shot at living a clean lifestyle? Is it possible for my daughter to be happy with a recovering alcoholic? I know these questions are subjective, and I know that no one can possibly predict whether this guy will stay clean. I just don't know if I'm being naive in believing that he deserves a 2nd chance and maybe I'm naive into believing this is an easy disease to control. My daughter has never been happier but I'm finding it hard to be happy for her because this huge black cloud is always over me, fearing the day he takes another drink. Any encouragement? Or do I attempt to steer her clear of him, which I know is a slippery slope. I feel like I may lose her either way.

painterman

You don't say how old your daughter is, is she so young that you would feel able to make decisions for her? I can understand all your parental concerns, presumambly you have had an honest conversation with her about the possible pitfalls. I think if you were to try to control her there may be some resentment, but this being her first boyfriend it sounds like it won't be the smoothest introduction to adult relationships.
I don't know that you will get a clear answer to the timescale for recovery, maybe you just have to relax a little and let things take their course, rather than worry about what might happen.

January28

I'm sorry. My daughter is 23. So she is an adult, but she has always been shy and has never dated (which make her seem 16 to me! LOL), and that is part of what makes our fears surface. Yes, I have talked to her numerous times about the pitfalls. This guy is 7 years old and he has two kids, and that makes it complicated for a first time relationship too. So, all of that being said, I agree with you that I shouldn't borrow trouble. It certainly will not be a smooth transition. I guess I just need to wait it out and see if it fizzles out before I drive myself crazy trying to understand this condition. Thanks for your input.

MTSlideAddict

I agree that this relationship makes for a complex learning experience, but your daughter is an adult nevertheless and makes her own choices. I personally believe that everyone is worth a second chance, and just because he is a recovering alcoholic does not automatically constitute to a life of relapse and despair. There is not a way to know for sure as to whether or not he is destined for relapse, or if he is in fact done walking through that jungle. His sobriety’s path resides in his hands only. Maybe a kind suggestion to your daughter that she attend Al-Anon can be given-- a little knowledge into what his recovery means to her could not hurt, as well as, the foundations to making her own boundaries. Your daughter has made the choice to pursue this relationship. Let the relationship take its course, and don’t allow it to become your trouble.

January28

I think that all makes perfect sense, and was more or less my approach until a couple of people got inside my head. Great idea about Alnon. Thank you so much!

Cyranoak

This is my worst nightmare. I'm so sorry.

Cyranoak

mattmathews

I thought that MTSlideAddict said what I wanted to, but better. (Thanks!)

We all worry about our kids...but we can't live their lives for them.

AutumnBeauty

My ex-brother-in-law was sober for 10 years when my sister married him. But after the economy collapsed and he got laid off, he went back to drinking. My sister finally divorced him after she found him passed out drunk in their bed with another woman (who was also passed out). I hear he is homeless now. Alledgedly he was a very severe alcoholic before had the period of sobriety. He was sober for about 15 years total before he relapsed.

On the other hand, I have a friend that has been sober for 25 years.

My SO has been sober for 2 months and he claims that he doesn't feel any cravings to drink too. I dont know if that means he was not an alcoholic,.... or if it was caught early enough that its easier to quit,.... or if they all say that.

blwninthewind

Send her here.

Let her read what her life COULD be.

I'm sorry it isn't that I don't want to give someone a second chance...I do but if it were my kid... uh uh no way.

Tell her to read and read and read.

The fact this is her first relationship frightens me. She has no clue what she's getting into ..add in the addict behavior...

I hope you have enough influence that you can talk her out of this.

You don't want this for her...and she is too young to realize that she doesn't want this for herself.

January28

I think I should send her here, but she gets so upset every time I try to talk reasonably to her. She isn't mad at me, and seems to understand we are just trying to protect her; but she wants to live in denial and believe her 'prince' will never drink again. Granted, he may never drink again. I just pray that if he does go back, it's before they ever walk down the line. But, between now and then, I'm hoping she will go to Alnon and I will keep encouraging her to read these boards. I think that was a great idea.

I do agree with those of you who say she's an adult and needs to make her own choices, and I've always respected that, but I think parents always want to help them with some of the tougher choices in life. I always tell my kids that I will give my opinion, and they can do with it what they want. I just hope they take advantage of the wisdom that comes with age. Thanks to all who replied.

nuitbleue

I'm new and this is my first post here on SR, but I read this and felt compelled to reply. I am 22, and have been in a relationship with my AB for 3 years now. It was my first serious relationship also. I love him dearly, but years of drunken 2am phone calls, arrests and suicide attempts have taken a toll on me both physically and emotionally.

If she does want to continue a relationship with him, ultimately that's her decision. If he stays clean, that's wonderful! But I would just caution her to go into this relationship with both eyes wide open, and know that his sobriety isn't guaranteed. I know from experience that it is very easy to lose yourself trying to save others.

lillamy

No.
Having been married to an alcoholic, I'd never date another one, recovering or not.
Even so -- 8 months is a good start, that's all. 10 years, I'd start trusting it.

wow04

As a recovering alcoholic/addict I would want to know the following:

1.) Is this the first time he has been sober?
2.) Is he working a program?
3.) Does he have a good support group, other than your daughter?

As for your daughter does she understand the following:

1.) This is a lifelong disease.
2.) His recovery comes before anything or anyone.
3.) There is always a chance of him drinking again (hopefully not).

Can you offer to go to an Al Anon meeting with her? I wish you and your daughter the best of luck.

Scrubmuncher

23 and her first boyfriend? You daughter is far to naive of men to be handling the complex mind of an alcoholic. Why all the baggage, kids and alcohol, does your daughter have confidence issues at all?
I would do my absolute most to put the breaks on this, chances are he will beable to twist her around his little finger at will, every time he screws up he will use the alcoholism as an excuse and reason and also to intimidate her into not leaving him for fear he will go off the rails.
A recipe for a very dramatic and heartbreaking future, imo.

Squagly

Being married to an alcoholic has helped make me a better parent by understanding that I can't control anyone, alcoholic or not. If I try to force my kids into something they don't want to do, it will backfire. I can offer encouragement, voice my doubts, offer guidance and let them know possible consequences, but I can't make decisions for them (basic things like doing homework and eating a well rounded diet admittedly come with some pretty rigged consequences for the younger one). I don't know your relationship with your daughter, but I would stress very clearly that you respect her decision, but also voice some apprehensions and possible consequences before again stressing you respect her decision and letting her know that you are always there for her.

As far as the boyfriend, I don't know him. From people I've know, I suspect that the younger you face up to and attempt to deal with the problem, the better your chance of long-term recovery. I do though have a general gripe with film and TV in that addiction is permanently conquered at a much higher rate than the real world. They also portray recovery as something that's finite, and to people with limited experience with addiction, this gives the appearance that once an addict faces up to the problem and deals with it, the problem has stopped and that's that. That generally isn't the case. It's a rocky path that should be trodden with caution. I would be very nervous if either of my kids got involved with an addict.

In general, I would say the best thing anyone can do who has some involvement with an addict, either in recovery or not, is to educate themselves about addiction. I usually recommend Under the Influence to people.

January28

I want to thank you all for your input. I know in my heart of hearts, that this will be a rough road for her. We have a great relationship, and I don't want to harm that, but I have to keep my priorities straight and help her to understand how rocky this road can be. She is stubborn, and she may resent it, but I just want her to understand what so many of you are saying. I keep hoping the relationship sizzles out on its own, but it seems to only be growing stronger. I blame myself. I should have put the brakes on this in the very beginning instead of believing that he deserves a second chance. (she would have definitely listened to me then.) He does, indeed, deserve a second chance and a shot at happiness, but I think he needs more years of sobriety under his belt, and probably an older more seasoned person that knows the complexities of relationships in general. Wish me luck in trying to educate her on all of this. I'm thankful for these boards for support.

Aegian

Hi January!

I understand your concern. 8 months is a GREAT start, but it will be a long road.

No offense intended, but is this really your decision to make on her behalf? I am not dismissing your concerns and your desire for her well being, but not every relationship is going to be perfect and not every one she spends time with is going to be without flaws. You can express your concerns and guide her with the voice of experience, but at some point, she needs to be able to make her own decisions and have the ability to learn from both the positive and negative outcomes that result.

akrasia

Twenty-three is young enough that she should expect a little gentle advice/input from mom in these matters, especially if it's her first serious relationship. No, you can't make the decision for her, certainly--but it is your job to offer her your perspective based on your experience and wisdom. Even if she ignores it.

A guy with two kids who's only eight months sober has no business proposing to anyone. He needs to be building up his relationship with his kids after the damage that's been done. If the kids live with him, it's downright cruel for him to bring in a brand-new mommy after all the turmoil he's put them through.

And in any case, dating for "a few months" is way too soon for a proposal or even talk of "forever," especially at 23.

Let me guess: he's like 30. And his finances are a shambles.

You could just calmly tell her that he needs to build up some security in his life before he goes proposing to people. Don't harp on it, just say that's your view on it, "for the record." And then encourage your daughter to get on with her own dreams and ambitions, whatever those may be. You might segue into, "Oh, look at this, I found a great study-abroad programme!" lol

January28

I do want to clarify that I know I can't make her decision for her. We all know she'll never grow that way and continue to be independent. We all learn by our mistakes. When I said I should have put the brakes on it in the beginning I meant I should have sat her down and really educated her on this condition, and strongly suggest she not get involved. I have told her numerous times that I trust her to make the best choice for herself, not for me or her father; however, I have told her in order to make the best choice for herself, she needs to listen to those who have walked this road. Since she had no strong feelings for him at that early stage, she probably would have decided against dating him. Sadly, I was distracted at the time by a suicide in the family, so I do blame myself for not 'guiding her' better when she first started seeing him. I totally agree with the person who said that at 23, she still can use some gentle guidance. I don't think 'muscling' a person into any decision works. I can only give her the facts and hopefully keep educating her, and she has to go from there. Ironically, I'm 53 and my mother passed 10 years ago, and I'd give anything to still have her wisdom and guidance. I don't think we stop mothering our children simply because they are adults. But, it should only be in the form of our opinion, and to give the facts presented in a way that the young adult should be able to form an educated decision. But we all know that young adults think with their hearts and hormones. I just wish there were a way to know how many alcohol and drug dependent people are successful in their recovery. I know there are no statistics, but it sure would perhaps help me feel less worried.

January28

Someone had asked these questions and I forgot to give an answer. I know they were all very important points.

As a recovering alcoholic/addict I would want to know the following:

1.) Is this the first time he has been sober?
answer: No, he says initially he struggled and it took a few attempts
before he felt like he was finally able to commit to staying sober.
2.) Is he working a program?
answer: Yes, he is working AA and goes to a meeting 3 to 4 nights a
week and he is working the 12th step now.
3.) Does he have a good support group, other than your daughter?
answer: I believe he does. His parents and his siblings are all supportive
and he seems to have a sponsor and other AA members he turns too. My
daughter is super supportive and in all honesty, I'm simply amazed at her
selflessness and never begrudges the time AA takes in his life.

As for your daughter does she understand the following:

1.) This is a lifelong disease.
answer: Intellectually I think she does, but in her heart, she believes he
will eventually reach a stage where she won't have to worry about it any
more because if he hasn't drank like in 2 years, then he never will. She
tells me she knows, yet when I ask her how his progress is, she says that
we shouldn't keep worrying about anymore, because he's been sober for
9 months. That tells me, she doesn't really get it.
2.) His recovery comes before anything or anyone.
answer: She does seem to understand that, and she is willing to live with
that fact. She also seems to understand that his kids have to come 2nd. I
informed her gently, that it means she will always be 3rd.
(understandably - but 'ouch') She also seems fine with that.
3.) There is always a chance of him drinking again (hopefully not).
She BELIEVES in him! LOL She's young. She believes when he tells her
he will never, ever drink again. I tell her that tells me that neither of
them really understand the lifelong struggle.

Can you offer to go to an Al Anon meeting with her? I wish you and your daughter the best of luck.
answer: I have offered to go, but she doesn't feel she needs to do that
unless he starts drinking again. Thank you for the luck!

Sorry it took so long to answer these.