Dont know how to help my mother

Old 10-14-2011, 01:38 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 2
Dont know how to help my mother

My mother has been struggling with her alcohol addiction for over 10 years now. She is depressed, alone, and filled with rage towards my father (who cheated on her(?) and then divorced her). I want to help her, but I don't know how anymore.

She started drinking when I was 10, picking me and my sister up from school while drunk and still in her pajamas. She was very depressed at that time, my dad was never around. With 3 children, a big house, lots of land and nobody but herself to rely on things got too much for her and she started drinking excessively. She has lost her drivers license 3 times due to driving under influence, going as far as getting busted while under influence with a revoked driver's license. Her driving under the influence is my biggest concern. I don't know why, but every time she gets her driver's license back, it's ridiculous. I can't imagine how angry I would be if I would ever have a child that got hit by a drunk driver who got their license back 3 times after the same offense... I'm very worried she might harm someone else, or herself, if she keeps going on this way

When I was 15 things really started spiraling out of control. Every day she would just disappear, "doing groceries", and come back so drunk that it's a miracle she could even find her home again. She's been brought back to our home by complete strangers and also by the police. The police just dumped her on our door mat and were happy to be rid of her. For me this was the low point of my life. I just couldn't take it anymore.
My sister and I pushed extremely hard for her to go to rehab. I was calling all kinds of institutions/rehabs/help centers for hours at a time until we found her a place. She was there for around 8 months, later on with weekends off and more and more days at home. My sister and I were actually not happy at all to see her back. All trust was lost. We had been lied to so much that just my mom "taking a walk" made me worry so much I got completely stressed out.
When I graduated from high school I was so sick of all the stress from worrying about my mother that I left to a country far far away to have some time for myself. Unfortunately, it didn't take too long for my mother to start drinking again after that.
Now, one year later, she's following the exact same pattern as before: she's drinking more and more, being more and more reckless (even driving drunk again) and is extremely depressed. My sister has recently also moved out, leaving my mom really alone.
My mother has now taken to random visits, showing up drunk at our doorsteps (we are all studying in a city close to her).

I am presuming that she is driving to us, which means she's driving drunk again. I am fiercely against this, but I don't know how to stop it. If I steal her car keys she will get even more depressed, because all the years of being without a car has made her value a car as if it represents her very freedom as a human being.
She doesn't want to go back to rehab, and frankly I don't blame her. We can get insurance paid rehab, but I think the treatment is poor at best.

I just don't know what to do. The path she's on right now is not a good one. People could die. My mom has always talked about suicide-- I think for attention though-- but I worry she might do something to herself now. I want to help her, but I don't know how. How do I approach this? Is there any hope?

I am sorry if this was a long read. It feels kinda good to get some things off my chest. This is not something I can talk about with my friends.
I live in the Netherlands if it's of any relevance.
Cassiopeia is offline  
Old 10-14-2011, 02:10 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
So sorry to read your difficult story, you have all done well to establish your independent lives. You don't mention having sought any support for yourself and your sister(s) -you really should check out Al Anon, I'm sure there will be one near you.
The support you receive makes you realise that you are not alone, but more importantly that you can't prevent this disease-it points out that in curious ways, by our very caring we are enabling the drinker to continue.
Sending you all good wishes across the North Sea!
painterman is offline  
Old 10-14-2011, 03:30 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 2
thanks for your input. I have looked up Al Anon and there is a meeting in my town. I will think about attending. I have never really considered something like this, but maybe it's worth a try.
Cassiopeia is offline  

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