Confussed, sad, mad and happy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Euless, Texas
Posts: 2
Confussed, sad, mad and happy
Hello, I am new to this bored and new to the alcoholism world. I am only 24 and new when I married my husband he had, had a problem with drinking but it was over he could control it. Well we moved to Texas 2 years ago and it all started again.. every weekend he was drinking with the neighbors, at first it didn't bother me but after a while the drinking would turn into arguments and then it would turn into an excuse. Finally after sereral threats and fights and one almost tragic insodent he went into rehab. He's been in there since the 10 of november and it's been hard on me because I have no one here to talk with or to cry with... So I decided to go to the alanon meetings, I went told my story and everyone was mean telling me to leave my husband I was to young to be dealing with this, I thought it was rude and wrong of them to say that so I didn't go back. I have been dealing with this on my own, I am finally comfy with everything and looking on the interent for meeting and chats that I can come to. So this past week he's been moved to an intesive out patient treatment where he comes home in the evening. I was so excited about this, I thought things would start to become normal, he would give me the love and affection I wanted and needed and we could work on this together, boy was I wrong. IT'S NOTHING LIKE THAT! He comes home depressed and in a bad mood, He wants to come home eat dinner spend time with the dogs and go to bed. Monday, Wed and Friday he has AA. tues and thurs he has something at the rehab center. So there isn't really anytime for us. I feel like we are falling apart. I support him in all of this (atleast I am trying to) but I feel like he's forgetting about us, he's letting us slip away from each other and not even thinking twice, I have asked him about it and he says, I dont understand I am not like them, he needs them right now. OKAY WHAT ABOUT ME AM I TO PLAY IN THE OUTFIELD UNTILL HE FEELS SAFE AND COMFY TALKING TO ME AND SHOWING ME LOVE??? He says this is a very selfish program and he didn't have time for us. Is this fair? If so how in the heck do I get past it? how can I fill in the hole in my heart? I am just so darn confussed, anyone who could give me some advice I would appreciate it.
Thanks
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
CareBear -
I'm so sorry that you are going through this right now and feel so alone. The Alanon meeting you went to is not typical. They are not there to tell you what to do - they are there to help you through whatever YOUR decision is. Maybe you could go to one at another time or location. Your experience should be very different.
Living with alcoholism is/can be a very tough row to hoe. What they were telling you is that at your age and stage of life, maybe it is not a life that you want to commit yourself to. There is no cure for alcoholism but there are alot of alcoholics in recovery. Whether or not that recovery is permanent, no one knows.
My husband is in a residential program right now and will be home in about 10 days at which point he will continue in an intensive outpatient program as well. My husband had 18 years of sobriety at one time but this past year has been very very rough. We have only been married for 6 years and I have reached the point where he has had his last chance. I am willing to see what happens on the recovery road and that means letting him do what he feels that he needs to do to maintain his sobriety.
It sounds like your hubby is having a tough time and excluding you which doesn't help you any. My suggestion to you would be go back to Alanon, give it another chance. Understand that things can't go back to "normal" all at once. He needs time to work his program and you need to work one of your own. Has there been any discussion about his depression? It isn't uncommon for A's to suffer from depression. Has he been to a doctor? Perhaps he would benefit from an antidepressant. How about counselling either for both of you or just yourself? Try and find a counsellor who specializes in addiction. The more you learn about the disease the better prepared you will be.
Others will be along to help you out soon. Glad you found us and keep coming back.
Hugs, Jo
I'm so sorry that you are going through this right now and feel so alone. The Alanon meeting you went to is not typical. They are not there to tell you what to do - they are there to help you through whatever YOUR decision is. Maybe you could go to one at another time or location. Your experience should be very different.
Living with alcoholism is/can be a very tough row to hoe. What they were telling you is that at your age and stage of life, maybe it is not a life that you want to commit yourself to. There is no cure for alcoholism but there are alot of alcoholics in recovery. Whether or not that recovery is permanent, no one knows.
My husband is in a residential program right now and will be home in about 10 days at which point he will continue in an intensive outpatient program as well. My husband had 18 years of sobriety at one time but this past year has been very very rough. We have only been married for 6 years and I have reached the point where he has had his last chance. I am willing to see what happens on the recovery road and that means letting him do what he feels that he needs to do to maintain his sobriety.
It sounds like your hubby is having a tough time and excluding you which doesn't help you any. My suggestion to you would be go back to Alanon, give it another chance. Understand that things can't go back to "normal" all at once. He needs time to work his program and you need to work one of your own. Has there been any discussion about his depression? It isn't uncommon for A's to suffer from depression. Has he been to a doctor? Perhaps he would benefit from an antidepressant. How about counselling either for both of you or just yourself? Try and find a counsellor who specializes in addiction. The more you learn about the disease the better prepared you will be.
Others will be along to help you out soon. Glad you found us and keep coming back.
Hugs, Jo
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Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: boca raton, florida
Posts: 12
Carebear,
Although I recently only returned to alanon, and admittedly never stayed long enough to benefit in the past, I'm pretty sure the foundation of alanon is not to tell you what to do, or give you specific advice realted to your personal situation... but instead to help you learn and understand the tools/principles and learn from others experience, by listening (I hope I said that right!). Also, like AA, they tell you not to make any drastic changes for a year... which is why I'm shocked they would tell you to leave. For an example of great alanon advice (how to apply it to your situation without giving specific "do this" advice) check out my thread "domestic violence." Being new I don't know how to apply the principles yet, so I asked for help on the board and if you scroll down to Daffodils responce you'll see how the principles were offered and how they helped me! Find another group, there are usually a handful of them on each day.
Anyway, I know how you feel. My A always said his sobriety (although he didn't maintain it!) came first. That made sense to me, and it will always have to come first if you want a future right? There's so many ups and downs and adjustments to be made that it can literally drive you cRaZy! My A was threatened by Alanon (saying they were just a bunch of A bashers, but I really think it was admitting that it is a "family" disease). I think if I had stuck with it, we may have made it through some of the iNsAnE times, that I certainly contributed to (because I didn't have the tools to deal) better.
Unfortunatley he thought he was better then all the other A's, different and superior... so he never bonded and/or spent time w/ them outside the group or got a sponser. We visited detox 7x, 28 day rehab 3x, a mental ward 1x, went through 3 addiction counselors and 2 half way houses in one year! So maybe if he's bonding and feeling as comfortable as he can (being he's probably pissed at himself) that's a good thing. I knew there were things in my A's past (childhood) that were awful, that he couldn't let go of and played into his drinking. He only gave "me" the cliff notes on this, but I knew in AA and his intensive outpatient program he was working on sharing. And I know this was monumental for him. I didn't let it bother me that I wasn't a part of, just happy he had somewhere to releive some of th pain and hoped one day he would feel comfortable with me to open up. It's not easy, not being "one of them" and knowing your A in this regard better then a stranger... I know. Just hang in there and work your own program in the meantime and find people who understand what "you're" going through... and maybe you'll only need to do it this once
Hang in there
Although I recently only returned to alanon, and admittedly never stayed long enough to benefit in the past, I'm pretty sure the foundation of alanon is not to tell you what to do, or give you specific advice realted to your personal situation... but instead to help you learn and understand the tools/principles and learn from others experience, by listening (I hope I said that right!). Also, like AA, they tell you not to make any drastic changes for a year... which is why I'm shocked they would tell you to leave. For an example of great alanon advice (how to apply it to your situation without giving specific "do this" advice) check out my thread "domestic violence." Being new I don't know how to apply the principles yet, so I asked for help on the board and if you scroll down to Daffodils responce you'll see how the principles were offered and how they helped me! Find another group, there are usually a handful of them on each day.
Anyway, I know how you feel. My A always said his sobriety (although he didn't maintain it!) came first. That made sense to me, and it will always have to come first if you want a future right? There's so many ups and downs and adjustments to be made that it can literally drive you cRaZy! My A was threatened by Alanon (saying they were just a bunch of A bashers, but I really think it was admitting that it is a "family" disease). I think if I had stuck with it, we may have made it through some of the iNsAnE times, that I certainly contributed to (because I didn't have the tools to deal) better.
Unfortunatley he thought he was better then all the other A's, different and superior... so he never bonded and/or spent time w/ them outside the group or got a sponser. We visited detox 7x, 28 day rehab 3x, a mental ward 1x, went through 3 addiction counselors and 2 half way houses in one year! So maybe if he's bonding and feeling as comfortable as he can (being he's probably pissed at himself) that's a good thing. I knew there were things in my A's past (childhood) that were awful, that he couldn't let go of and played into his drinking. He only gave "me" the cliff notes on this, but I knew in AA and his intensive outpatient program he was working on sharing. And I know this was monumental for him. I didn't let it bother me that I wasn't a part of, just happy he had somewhere to releive some of th pain and hoped one day he would feel comfortable with me to open up. It's not easy, not being "one of them" and knowing your A in this regard better then a stranger... I know. Just hang in there and work your own program in the meantime and find people who understand what "you're" going through... and maybe you'll only need to do it this once
Hang in there
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Carebear
I echo what the others said about Alanon. The meeting you went to is not typical of the Alanon program. I hope that you have other meetings in your area that you can try.
What you are going through is very difficult. Your husband is putting all of his energy into his sobriety and there isn't much of him left for you. It will not stay this way forever, but you might have a period of time where you have to let him go in order for him to work his program.
Now is a time that you can work on you and how this situation has affected you. Now is a time that you can be good to yourself. If he is busy working on his recovery, you can be busy working on yours. And you can be busy with things that you like to do. When he is ready to work on your relationship, you can be there, happy and healthy.
Peace,
Gabe
What you are going through is very difficult. Your husband is putting all of his energy into his sobriety and there isn't much of him left for you. It will not stay this way forever, but you might have a period of time where you have to let him go in order for him to work his program.
Now is a time that you can work on you and how this situation has affected you. Now is a time that you can be good to yourself. If he is busy working on his recovery, you can be busy working on yours. And you can be busy with things that you like to do. When he is ready to work on your relationship, you can be there, happy and healthy.
Peace,
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: irving, texas
Posts: 11
hey sweetie... you know what i am 10 mins from you.. if you would like to talk i am here for you.. check your private messages on your profile.. i would love to meet and hang out with you.. we have problems alike.. almost anyways.. you have found a new friend right around the corner from you.. and you can attend the meetings i go.. they aren't like that.. you walk out feeling refreshed and strong. the ladies and men there are wonderful you will love it..
jewels...
jewels...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 87
Hi CareBear,
Welcome to SR,,,You have found a loving home here. Im sos orry for your pain, I have definitely been there too. It WILL get better!
As for AlAnon, I have been a memeber for 15 years, and that is NOT something a regular group promotes (Advice etc). Actually, it is against thier normal "guidelines" to give advice. If this occured after the meeting, then it is just that persons opinion, and if that was another new person, or angry person, consider the source.
We all have been or are in lots of pain, and sometimes feel frustrated with helping another. Al Anons basic principles is to share our "Experience, strength and hope",,and it does work.
I urge you to try attending other AL A meetings,,,they are all different in the age/gender make up, so perhaps you will find one you feel comfy in. There is no way, and I mean NO WAY I can survive without it.
You can always come here to dump or vent,,,thats what this forum is for!
Welcome to SR,,,You have found a loving home here. Im sos orry for your pain, I have definitely been there too. It WILL get better!
As for AlAnon, I have been a memeber for 15 years, and that is NOT something a regular group promotes (Advice etc). Actually, it is against thier normal "guidelines" to give advice. If this occured after the meeting, then it is just that persons opinion, and if that was another new person, or angry person, consider the source.
We all have been or are in lots of pain, and sometimes feel frustrated with helping another. Al Anons basic principles is to share our "Experience, strength and hope",,and it does work.
I urge you to try attending other AL A meetings,,,they are all different in the age/gender make up, so perhaps you will find one you feel comfy in. There is no way, and I mean NO WAY I can survive without it.
You can always come here to dump or vent,,,thats what this forum is for!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Euless, Texas
Posts: 2
Thank you all for your response, I really appreciate all the advice. I am feeling a little better today, I was up at the center and was talking with a few of the patient there and expressed how upset I was and how I felt left out, and they all said the same thing. Hang in there this isn't going to last forever. Once he get's past the begining things it will smooth it's self out. I also found out that he's in the process of trying to complete step 4 which is a hard on him and I didn't know this untill he told me. But again thanks for the advice, I will be back to this bored to post and to listen.
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