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Guilty feeling

Old 10-13-2011, 11:49 AM
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Guilty feeling

Does anyone else not make plans without A in fear that if you are out having fun that they will go out and drink?

I've been struggling with this and it's destroying me and my friendships. When I am out without AH I feel worried and on edge, knowing that him going out is going to result into him getting drunk. The thought of him drinking makes me sick to my stomach for some unknown reason.
When we are together I have become paranoid that he's drinking or sneaking drinks.

How do you detach?
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Old 10-13-2011, 11:54 AM
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Find an al-anon meeting. There you will learn to detach.
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Old 10-13-2011, 12:38 PM
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I echo suki's sentiments.

With some ability to detach I found that going out and having fun was a way to not worry about what was going on with AW. It was detaching when I was at home with no distraction that was the tougher trick for me. I pretty well knew what was happening in my absence but I was grateful that I didn't have to see it or smell it.
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Old 10-13-2011, 09:16 PM
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((paranoid that he's drinking or sneaking drinks))
As alcoholism progressed, mine was sneaking & hiding bottles, just not single drinks.

((I've been struggling with this and it's destroying me and my friendships. When I am out without AH I feel worried and on edge, knowing that him going out is going to result into him getting drunk. The thought of him drinking makes me sick to my stomach for some unknown reason))
As alcoholism progressed, "I" hid myself from friends and family. I got to the point that when we were with friends, I fell off my edge, my mouth would open up and say very mean things about his drinking, right in front of our friends. I didnt like that, it was not me, so it was much easier for me to stay home and hide his diesase..
Sick to my stomach, was only part of how it changed me. It changed my appearance, it changed my heart, my soul and it changed who I was and what I stood for in life!

YOUR NOT ALONE!!!
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Old 10-13-2011, 11:30 PM
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"paranoid that he is drinking or stealing drinks"

ask yourself this. does your paronoia and worry change what he is or is not going to do? My guess would be no.

"I've been struggling with this and it's destroying me and my friendships. When I am out without AH I feel worried and on edge, knowing that him going out is going to result into him getting drunk. The thought of him drinking makes me sick to my stomach for some unknown reason"

I used to feel the same way. I have learned that many of relationships suffered, not because of AH's drinking, but because of how I behaived and reacted to his drinking.

Alcholics drink, it is what they do. They do not drink at you or because of you. Nothing you do,say, think or feel will cause them to choose to drink or not to drink.

The only thing that has helped me in the above areas is ALanon. Try a meeting. If you decide to try it I hope you find the love, understanding and courage that I have found.
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Old 10-13-2011, 11:32 PM
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At bobby: what is your situation now? How have things changed?
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Old 10-13-2011, 11:34 PM
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How do I put myself in a situation where we can both be together and have a good time?
He will always find a way to get alcohol.
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Old 10-14-2011, 12:25 AM
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you can choose to have a good time, period. He can choose to have whatever kind of time he chooses to have. You can not make him have a good time. He can not make you have a good time. I am not saying that it will be easy. I can't do it without my higher powers help.

"he will always find a way to get alcohol" Ok, so why waste time being paranoid about weather he is sneaking drinks or not. You already know he probably will be. Maybe you can try, just one time you go out, to use your time enjoying the company of the friends you are with and let him do whatever he is going to do. Isn't that what he already does anyway. If it doesn't work then it doesn't work, but at least you tried to have a good time.
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Old 10-14-2011, 12:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Stlsunny12 View Post
How do I put myself in a situation where we can both be together and have a good time?
He will always find a way to get alcohol.
Yes he will. He for sure will always find alcohol.

I lived in a detached way for many years. I did not yell, nag, confront, or try to change him. I removed myself from the room, didn't count on him, went on vacations without him etc. I controlled what I could (killed myself trying very hard to do that) and thought I was letting go of the rest but I wasn't really detached on the inside. I was just ignoring my own needs and putting a lid on my own feelings to the point I didn't even know what I was feeling anymore. I felt only one emotion - resentment. I kept a lid on that and was emotionally very 'flat' until the lid popped off and I spewed anger (but never at him). That is not detachment and it is a terrible way to live. I don't really know how to detach w/in the framework of a relationship but I do believe that al-anon can teach us how. I urge you to find an al-anon meeting.

You ask how to have a good time with him while he drinks. Maybe there is not a situation in which it is possible for you to have a good time with an alcoholic husband? It is OK to say that and to acknowledge that sobriety is necessary for you to enjoy activities.

Happiness is not a destination. Happiness happens when you are taking care of yourself. If you meet your own needs you'll figure out a way to have a good time and he'll be there, or he will not, but you will be having a good time and not living in the land of alcoholic misery.

I spent many years on the side of alcoholic misery because I took all my other options off the table. I had one vision in my head of what my life was to look like and I did not allow any others. My vision included my husband and a happy family all in one. I refused to acknowledge that the husband in my vision was not the same husband I had in real life....and nothing I could do would make him into the man I dreamed he could be. He was the man he was. By refusing to do that I denied entire chunks of my reality and I could not find any sense of happiness in that state.

When I left him I had hit my bottom. I saw no other way to survive but I still only saw that one vision. I left feeling like I was making a mistake, failing, sacrificing my children, and that my life would never be good. I wish I had been going to al-anon all along so that I would have not been so confused and defeated at that time.

Al-anon is not about leaving your husband btw. I didn't mean to make it sound like that.. It helps you with yourself.
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Old 10-14-2011, 06:09 AM
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I actually got to the point where I told my friends and family (especially joint) that I was not participating in activities where there was a possibility of my A getting intoxicated. It was a point of contention, but it helped me to be safe. I can't lie and say I was not worried, but it left it out of my meddling control, which was better for us both.

I did though stop doing things for me too, and that was a mistake and I ended up resenting that. I am only now finding my way back to some of those things.

Sending kind thoughts your way.
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Old 10-14-2011, 06:57 AM
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery View Post
I actually got to the point where I told my friends and family (especially joint) that I was not participating in activities where there was a possibility of my A getting intoxicated. It was a point of contention, but it helped me to be safe. I can't lie and say I was not worried, but it left it out of my meddling control, which was better for us both.

I did though stop doing things for me too, and that was a mistake and I ended up resenting that. I am only now finding my way back to some of those things.

Sending kind thoughts your way.
This is NOT what I want to do. I'm not going to tell my friends that they can't drink or invite us places where there is alcohol.
I need to focus on myself and how to deal.
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Old 10-14-2011, 06:58 AM
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Thumper: thank you for your words
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Old 10-14-2011, 07:58 AM
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Great advice above. It helps to realize that feeling guilty doesn't mean you've done anything wrong. And, understand there's nothing you can do or say that will control his drinking. Al-anon is terrific help and support in helping you find a life that works for you.

Good luck
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Old 10-14-2011, 03:38 PM
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I did that for years. I lost a lot of friends, because I never wanted to go out, because of the fear that he would go out and get drunk on his own. Or, I would make plans that he would agree to go to just so I could babysit.

The thought of seeing his forehead wrinkle, due to the inability to focus his sight, just makes me cringe. Over time, I developed the intuition to mostly know when he has been drinking. The wrinkle in his forehead was one, and the redness in his cheeks is another. When he had been drinking, suddenly he develops a throat irritation and must continuously suck on throat lozenges. When he had been drinking he decides to take showers right before I come home from work as opposed to his normal routine of morning showers. When he had been drinking he decides that the yard work must get done at any given hour (aka bottles are hidden outside). Or, the garage is suddenly too filthy that he cannot stand it is an excuse he used from time to time to escape me and embrace his vodka. He came up with excuse after excuse to continue to drink. Nothing I said or did stopped that. If we went to the movies he brought a flask. If we went out to eat he ordered a beer. If I expressed my dislike, he would hide it. I could not control his actions no matter what I had tried.

Detachment came to me when I stopped worrying about what the heck he was doing. That was hard, but it was making me insane to worry about everything. I was a detective in my home, and who was really benefiting by those actions? No one. I decided to spend my “fun” time separate. If I wanted to have fun I called those friends I had abandoned previously and asked them to hang. If I wanted to go to the movies I went, and I didn’t worry whether or not he would have wanted to see it. If he called me drunk I didn’t answer, and I didn’t dwell on it. Sometimes things would get overwhelming and I found myself obsessing about certain things. During those times, I would take a break. I would take a bubble bath, count to fifty, anything to get my mind calm again.

The advice in the posts above are good ways to learn how to detach. I can’t quite remember if I had suggested this to you in a previous thread or not, but “Codependent No More,” by Melody Beattie is really a good book to read to help distinguish when detachment is a good idea, and it gives some techniques to doing this.

Keep Posting.
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Old 10-14-2011, 04:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Stlsunny12 View Post
This is NOT what I want to do. I'm not going to tell my friends that they can't drink or invite us places where there is alcohol.
I need to focus on myself and how to deal.
Focusing on taking care of yourself is good.

Be careful not to fall into a common trap that lots of people find themselves in where instead of focusing on taking care of themselves, they are focusing on how to change themselves or on how to accept things that are not acceptable.

That is what I did - tried very hard to accept the unacceptable. Looking back I accepted things that would have been unimaganable to my 'pre-wife of an alcoholic' days. It is a slippery slope and when I felt bad I told myself that I wasn't trying hard enough. That bad feeling was my inner voice telling me that my life was not in line with my values but I ignored that voice. I told that voice to shut up and I tried harder to not be so damn impossible and just learn to accept things. I can see now that it wasn't working because I was trying to accept the wrong things. It goes back to that vision in my head. I would not accpet anything that interferred with that daydream and so tried to accept the unacceptable to preserve that fantasy.
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Old 10-14-2011, 06:09 PM
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To clarify I did not in any way tell my friends and family that they had to stop having alcohol at functions, or partaking in alcohol. I said I was choosing not to be there.

When I went to those types of functions I was a raving, lunatic mess, mainly directed at my alcoholic. There were incidences with him getting out of moving cars because I would not stop for more alcohol, him not be willing to turn over the keys after drinking. I would REACT like crazy and honestly I would be the one that would come out looking like an idiot. His behavior after drinking was tame compared to my insanity.

That was my way of safely starting to detach. I did not want to feel like that anymore and I did not know how to not try to "control" him at functions.

I am not saying that is what you have to do, it was just a first step for me that helped. It was far from curing anything, but it did decrease my stress and my personal drama started and ended by me. I was not having fun anyway because I was spending the whole time a basket case monitoring him.

I hope that helps, for me it was a beginning step to taking care of me.
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Old 10-16-2011, 07:06 PM
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I had a counseling session on Saturday and she suggested that i make my boundary " i will not hangout with you after you have had X number of drinks" If he goes beyond that, i have the right to leave him where ever we are or tell him he needs to leave.
What boundaries have you all set?
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