bonami

I really thought my RAF was doing better. His departure from our company is still being sorted out by lawyers on both sides. Based on my last communication with him, I thought he was very ready to move on, especially since the bosses no longer want him back. Clean break for everyone! I sent him a quick email of support the other day, basically just a "take care " He wrote back that "my life is in ruins." Well duh, whose fault is that? : I don't know if that's him quacking at me or him just being self-centered, or he's finally waking up to the fact that he drank this job away. I feel sad but I do know there is nothing I can do to save or help him, even though I still want to. So I still need to work on that, the wanting to save him.

I know that my situation is very minor compared to those of you who have to live with active A's and the messes that they are making with your lives and your children's lives; my heart goes out to all of you. I guess I just need a SR reality check today by sharing my feelings with people who understand. Thanks for listening.

Programmatic

Sounds like he might see a bottom approaching. Good time to stay out from between him and it.

Edit to say: I found that when my AW made some space to start working on her I had the same amount of space and it was imperative that I use it to work on me.

GettingBy

Yup, me too!!! My desire to save people is way out of freakin' control!!! I swear that sometimes I have a giant S on my chest... for Super Codependent!! My power to save knows no boundaries!! When someone complains to me about their life, little alarms go off all over the place, "Geee!!! What can I do to make THEIR life better!?!?" Nevermind the fact that when I become so busy solving their problems, my whole life turns to crap!!

Awareness of that character trait has lead me to make better decisions for me. I have learned what it means to respect OTHER people's boundaries!! I still feel the S on my chest... but I'm getting much better at keeping my mouth shut and not reacting!

Thanks for sharing your story!
Shannon

nodaybut2day

I used to struggle a great deal with that desire to change/help/save others, because I thought *I* somehow had the power and the answers to their problems. HA! When I finally accepted that I had no power over others, I felt LIBERATED from this ridiculous weight I had been putting on my own shoulders needlessly in my self-destructive and nearly obsessive saving-of-others.

Programmatic

Yes, my favorite part of working Step 1 is relief from perceived responsibility.

Freedom1990

This is beautiful! I like the way you put that, Programmatic!

Babyblue

He seems to be quite a ways from being saved. It wasn't until the exRABF sobered up did I see the extent of the chaos he caused those around him (e.g. his kids, former employers). It is hard to hear, or be a witness to but you are better off keeping your distance. Sounds like he was tossing out a hook for you to grab. I dunno.

bonami

Thank you all, your replies are just what I needed today!

Programmatic, I thought he had already hit his bottom which is what got him to enter rehab and start treatment. Maybe that was just a false bottom, tho, and he's about to hit the real one. I definitely do not want to get in the way of that.

Getting By, I think I sometimes have that "S" on my chest too, LOL! I do know that everyone else's problems are not mine to solve, but when I'm more directly affected, it's harder for me to resist the urge to try. I guess that's where the "perceived responsibility" comes in--so it's my perception that needs to change.

Babyblue, it seemed to me just a week or so ago that my friend was trying to move on from me as well as from the company, so what you say about him perhaps tossing me a hook to grab is interesting. Because if he is finally reaching out to me, it doesn't make it any easier to leave him be, but I know that's what I need to do.