whenitrains

My son recently moved out of state to live with his sister and get his life together. He got a DUI his second week there. He stopped drinking for about 10 days and attended AA meetings plus enrolled in a DUI class. He started drinking again and drove his sister crazy by getting drunk every day, staying up all night, and being loud. She called in sick twice from work because she had been awake all night. This past Friday, she told him that she had enough and he needed to find somewhere else to live. He doesn't have a job yet and doesn't really know many people so she told him that she was taking him to rehab. We found a great long-term rehab program that is just what he needs but he doesn't want to go because he doesn't want the life restrictions. So instead - he looked on Craigslist and found a room for rent with another 23 year old. He plans to move in, attend his DUI classes and just not drink. I told him that he needs more support and it would be too hard to do it alone. This is what he wants to do, though, dumb choice though it may be. As for me, I am headed to Al-Anon tonight for the first time so that I can learn the difference between being supportive and enabling, a line that I have unwittingly crossed many times.

suki44883

Let him do it his way. He's 23 years old and time to start taking care of himself. If he can't manage to get a job to pay his share of the rent, he'll be looking for another place to live. Once people step out of the way and let the alcoholic stand up or fall on their own, they have a better chance of realizing that they need to get their shite together.

sojourner

Good for you for going to Alanon. Good for you for recognizing that you need the perspective of others to help you distinguish between supporting and enabling.

I too have a young adult son who is an active drug/alcohol user.

You'll learn a lot at Alanon. Also come here. Also, if you are a reader, there are lots of good books out there. I recommend "Addict in the Family" by Beverly Conyers. You can find it at the Hazelden site.

Keep coming back!!

whenitrains

Thanks to both of you. I met some very nice people at the meeting tonight, all in the same boat. I am a reader so I will look for that book. You are also completely right Suki, but it's hard to change my own habits of trying to fix my kid's problem. I found out at the Beginner meeting that I went to today, that I am not the only one struggling with the idea that we can't save anyone else.

suki44883

I understand how you feel. I've been there. Stick around here and read the stories of others who have been in your position. Al-anon is a wonderful resource for face-to-face support. SR is a wonderful resource, too. Sometimes it's easier to say things to a bunch of people on a website that don't know you or you don't have to face tomorrow. So glad you found us!!

m1k3

Welcome whenitrains. I think if you look around in here you will find almost everyone has or had issues with that.

One of the sayings that really helped me is: I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.

That just sums it up right there.

Your friend,

Programmatic

I like the 4 C's (my own personal creation)

I didn't cause
I can't control it
I can't cure it
But I sure can contribute to the problem