Somewhat OT: exH taking me to court today
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Somewhat OT: exH taking me to court today
Hello, my SR family! I haven't been around much, but I lurk every now and again. Overall my life is going in a positive direction, I keep going to 3-4 meetings per week and am working the steps with my sponsor. It's been 2 years in Alanon as of this month! Wow. And I'm so grateful for this online community.
So I have a question. My exH, from whom I've been separated for 5 years and officially divorced from since May, is taking me to court because he doesn't want to pay his agreed-upon child support/maintenance since he lost his job (again) in July. He is supposed to have 50% custody, but I have full custody because he was verbally and physically aggressive to the kids in the Spring. I had them seen by a psychologist and they decided they wanted to see him but only live with me. He's supposed to pay 50% of all costs (above and beyond the child support and maintenance) and he is not. He wanted to decrease the amounts a year ago because he had racked up $20,000+ in credit card debt (which he didn't have when we split up, as I had managed the finances up until then) and so I said no.
Well, a court summons was on my door this weekend. I can't afford an attorney (though somehow he has managed to pay for one) so I have to appear by myself today. He is alleging that I make more than twice what I'm actually making annually and of course isn't disclosing in the paperwork that he doesn't have custody of the kids at all. I'm looking for words of wisdom from those of you who have been through this. I'm bringing my tax returns from the last 2 years, an e-mail to him stating that I have full custody, but haven't had time to compile all of the records...not by a long shot!
I feel better just typing this out. Thanks for being there, and even if you have no words of wisdom thanks for being here. I can't wait to get to my meeting tonight!
Hugs,
posie
So I have a question. My exH, from whom I've been separated for 5 years and officially divorced from since May, is taking me to court because he doesn't want to pay his agreed-upon child support/maintenance since he lost his job (again) in July. He is supposed to have 50% custody, but I have full custody because he was verbally and physically aggressive to the kids in the Spring. I had them seen by a psychologist and they decided they wanted to see him but only live with me. He's supposed to pay 50% of all costs (above and beyond the child support and maintenance) and he is not. He wanted to decrease the amounts a year ago because he had racked up $20,000+ in credit card debt (which he didn't have when we split up, as I had managed the finances up until then) and so I said no.
Well, a court summons was on my door this weekend. I can't afford an attorney (though somehow he has managed to pay for one) so I have to appear by myself today. He is alleging that I make more than twice what I'm actually making annually and of course isn't disclosing in the paperwork that he doesn't have custody of the kids at all. I'm looking for words of wisdom from those of you who have been through this. I'm bringing my tax returns from the last 2 years, an e-mail to him stating that I have full custody, but haven't had time to compile all of the records...not by a long shot!
I feel better just typing this out. Thanks for being there, and even if you have no words of wisdom thanks for being here. I can't wait to get to my meeting tonight!
Hugs,
posie
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
As for the court appearance today... if you did have an attorney, they would argue that you need a deferment in order to properly prepare your paperwork. Be open and honest with the judge/court clerk/whomever you are appearing in front of today. Advise them of the situation (you don't have an attorney right now and need time to prepare your paperwork)... they WILL help you and make sure this is done fairly.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Hello Posie!
So glad to see you again.
I have no doubts about your abilities to stand up in court. Pffft lawyers.
If you are concerned about the short notice, then ask to adjourn until you have time to properly prepare.
Bring your proof, and hold your head up high, your ex apparently has his head up his three point of contact.
I am not a lawyer
, this is just from what I learned from going to court.
You know, your ex may just look like a bully, last minute notice, he has representation and you do not. Let his foolishness rule the day, and this may be the last time he tries the courts to damage and or punish you.
You are a strong woman. You can do this.
Beth
So glad to see you again.
I have no doubts about your abilities to stand up in court. Pffft lawyers.
If you are concerned about the short notice, then ask to adjourn until you have time to properly prepare.
Bring your proof, and hold your head up high, your ex apparently has his head up his three point of contact.
I am not a lawyer
, this is just from what I learned from going to court.You know, your ex may just look like a bully, last minute notice, he has representation and you do not. Let his foolishness rule the day, and this may be the last time he tries the courts to damage and or punish you.
You are a strong woman. You can do this.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
For me I had to remember to remain calm, even biting my tongue, while the X or his lawyer were ignoring the facts, and fabricating the truth. The more composed and together you remain the better for you and your kids. The courts have heard it all, while it is emotional for you, I think they are more apt to listen to the one who excercises self control.
One time I was ordered to appear because I refused to change a scheduled visitation due to XH work schedule. He was not working, he was at a work sponsored golf outing.
That was his choice to go golfing, instead of picking up the girls, the girls had plans the next weekend so I allowed them to go to their event. We got to court and he and his fancy lawyer used all the right lingo, I was not doing my job of promoting a healthy relationship with the non-custodial parent, I was alienating him, denying him, blah, blah,blah,................ When the court finally asked me to answer, I simply said "GOLF".
He did get a lecture from the judge that day. I could not even enjoy the moment. All I was thinking is how sad, a perfect stranger has to tell you what an absent father you are.
Stay strong, just breathe, you will get thru this.............
One time I was ordered to appear because I refused to change a scheduled visitation due to XH work schedule. He was not working, he was at a work sponsored golf outing.
That was his choice to go golfing, instead of picking up the girls, the girls had plans the next weekend so I allowed them to go to their event. We got to court and he and his fancy lawyer used all the right lingo, I was not doing my job of promoting a healthy relationship with the non-custodial parent, I was alienating him, denying him, blah, blah,blah,................ When the court finally asked me to answer, I simply said "GOLF".
He did get a lecture from the judge that day. I could not even enjoy the moment. All I was thinking is how sad, a perfect stranger has to tell you what an absent father you are.
Stay strong, just breathe, you will get thru this.............
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Remember too that judges or magistrates in these courts have seen it all already. Your case in not unique, nor is your situation. Be prepared, ask for a deferment if you feel you need an attorney (or at least a paralegel to help you prepare). But know the person sitting on the bench making the decisions has probably seen and heard much worse over the course of their career.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Write down the facts of your talking points into bullets onto a page for you to use. Stay on point, and to the facts, and try to be non-emotional. Have larger categories under which to put your talking points:
Use good and earnest eye contact with the judge as much as you are able.
Sending loads of encouragement!
CLMI
- I do not have/cannot afford an attorney, today.
- I need more time to prepare for this session, I did not have adequate time or counsel to prepare for today.
- I have sole physical custody, because:
- The children need this child support, because:
- I cannot afford a reduction in child support because:
Sending loads of encouragement!
CLMI
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Thanks, everyone. I asked for an adjournment and it was granted--45 days. ExH showed up with a pretty, young, high-powered attorney who said to me, "It's nice to meet you." All I could fathom is "Okay." Hahahaha!! I had to laugh to myself later--my recovery is working wonders, I can't even lie to be polite...couldn't say, "It's nice to meet you, too" but I would have said that baloney in the past.
I explained to the judge that I'd like to retain an attorney but don't know that I can afford one. They (exH's team) wants all of my financial info prior to the hearing in 45 days and when I expressed that I wasn't sure if that was typical, the judge explained that this is routine. My income is really none of exH's business, but he's good at being a victim and so this is a way for him to manipulate himself into my life again. I wish he'd get a job and a girlfriend and go away. Honestly.
That being said, I'm working my program. Great suggestions are here, thanks so much. I'll make an outline of what to cover at the hearing, where I'll probably have to go it alone again. But the good news is that somehow seemed to work in my favor today, since he showed up with representation while crying poor.
Geez, I'm pissed and sad. Headed to a meeting tonight. Keep the suggestions coming if you have more, I'm taking notes!
Gratefully,
posie
I explained to the judge that I'd like to retain an attorney but don't know that I can afford one. They (exH's team) wants all of my financial info prior to the hearing in 45 days and when I expressed that I wasn't sure if that was typical, the judge explained that this is routine. My income is really none of exH's business, but he's good at being a victim and so this is a way for him to manipulate himself into my life again. I wish he'd get a job and a girlfriend and go away. Honestly.
That being said, I'm working my program. Great suggestions are here, thanks so much. I'll make an outline of what to cover at the hearing, where I'll probably have to go it alone again. But the good news is that somehow seemed to work in my favor today, since he showed up with representation while crying poor.
Geez, I'm pissed and sad. Headed to a meeting tonight. Keep the suggestions coming if you have more, I'm taking notes!
Gratefully,
posie
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Excellent job!!! Good for you!!! You have gotten the time you need to THINK! Perfect.
Now, breath. Go to a meeting and realize that the adrenaline/feelings you are experience right now WILL PASS!!!
Now, breath. Go to a meeting and realize that the adrenaline/feelings you are experience right now WILL PASS!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi Posie,
I would recommend that you also request all of his financial statements, including the credit card bills that he ran up. (Was it for unnecessay things?) Also why did he lose his job? Was it due to his actions, or because of a layoff? If he's collected unemployment, are their jobs available, is he underemployed?
Most cases a judge will not reduce child support, if a person is unemployment due to their own action, or is underemployed. Also ask for documentation on his current lifestyle, unless, of course, this might be detrimental to you.
I would recommend that you also request all of his financial statements, including the credit card bills that he ran up. (Was it for unnecessay things?) Also why did he lose his job? Was it due to his actions, or because of a layoff? If he's collected unemployment, are their jobs available, is he underemployed?
Most cases a judge will not reduce child support, if a person is unemployment due to their own action, or is underemployed. Also ask for documentation on his current lifestyle, unless, of course, this might be detrimental to you.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Unemployment will not usually be considered as a reason to modify child support payment amounts. Children's bills are still due whether we're working or not, and the courts know this.
Yes, I like the plan Amy ^ laid out for you. Get all the documents in order, and you will be able to calculate income/expenses and why the originally ordered amount was reasonable.
In our case, Mr. Ex tried to have a modification order because of unemployment, and the judge looked at his employment history and said,"Mr. Ex, you have been in the ____business for 20 years. Go out there and get a job in it." Then the judge ordered an INCREASE in child support, based on 2-year tax return history for "acceptable expectation of income."
Yeah, Mr. Ex has been hesitant to take me back to court since then.
Yes, I like the plan Amy ^ laid out for you. Get all the documents in order, and you will be able to calculate income/expenses and why the originally ordered amount was reasonable.
In our case, Mr. Ex tried to have a modification order because of unemployment, and the judge looked at his employment history and said,"Mr. Ex, you have been in the ____business for 20 years. Go out there and get a job in it." Then the judge ordered an INCREASE in child support, based on 2-year tax return history for "acceptable expectation of income."
Yeah, Mr. Ex has been hesitant to take me back to court since then.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
My suggestion is get an attorney even though you can't afford one. Seriously. Do the research, talk to people you know where you live, and find somebody who will let you make payments.
Wihout an attorney you'll be bringing a knife to a gunfight, and we all know how those turn out.
My two cents.
Good luck,
Cyranoak
Wihout an attorney you'll be bringing a knife to a gunfight, and we all know how those turn out.
My two cents.
Good luck,
Cyranoak
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Thanks again for the comments. "Knife to a gunfight" seems about right. I got more information today and it is clear that I need to have an attorney. There are some very odd aspects to this case and the 2 attorneys I have spoken to are puzzled as to the approach and tactics involved in this case at this point.
Yuck. I never wanted it to go this way. It really, really sucks.
I've worked really hard for my serenity and protecting it is a priority! I am trying to do that, no matter what. Thank goodness for Alanon and for all of you.
posie
Yuck. I never wanted it to go this way. It really, really sucks.
I've worked really hard for my serenity and protecting it is a priority! I am trying to do that, no matter what. Thank goodness for Alanon and for all of you.
posie
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