Stlsunny12

Is divorce really the only answer anymore? How hard have you worked to mKe it work? Is divorce the last resort or first?

DMC

It was my last resort... after 8 years (3 different counselors across 2 states) of marriage counseling, 2 inpatient rehabs and countless detox and outpatient rehab attempts. Buckets of tears and backhoes of self doubt. I truly felt it was my only option, as I could no longer live with it.

He, of course, swore that I was "giving up." I choose to believe differently.
Now separated for 2 years and divorced for nearly 1, I have finally regained my serenity.

I don't know if he's drinking, and I finally just don't care any more. My life circles around me now.

GettingBy

I tried within MY control to make it work. I focused hard on my recovery... Learning to detach, not enable, etc. Life did get better. The family situation did improve... My AH did change. He started helping out more around the house. But our marriage, did not improve. In fact, the healthier I got, the angrier he got about all the "chores" he now had to do. His anger grew, the drinking got worse... And all that is unacceptable to me. We tried a marriage counselor but my AH was unwilling to admit he needs help. Unwilling to admit his drinking, anger, etc are out of control. After several years of trying.... Divorce is the answer for me.

Ironically, 6 years ago, I thought we needed to divorce... My disease convinced me that I was wrong and I needed to try harder to be the perfect wife.

suki44883

I don't think divorce is the first resort for anyone unless they're just looking for a reason to leave. Most hang in there, trying this and that. Putting up with all the BS, sometimes for years and years. The funny (not haha funny, but interesting funny) thing is, when you're had enough, you'll know. By that time, it won't matter what the addict does, or says they're willing to do, you're just done.

lillamy

When I left and filed for divorce it was almost exactly 18 years since I had first had a cone to Jesus meeting with my AH about his drinking. Ten years after I first used the A-word and told him to seek help. Four years after I told him it was me or the bottle.

That means I know for sure I had exhausted all other options. But in retrospect, I wish I had learned from other people's mistakes without repeating them for such a damn long time

LifeRecovery

Two weeks after I married my husband he was so drunk that he kicked our dog and punched his fist through a window. Three weeks after that he fell cutting his head, and admitted he needed help (but did not do anything about it). That was my newlywed bliss. I can remember thinking "I am not sure I signed up for this. What have I done. I wonder if I am going to regret this." Writing this brings back the terror of wondering if he was going to kill himself both those times and a number of other incidences.

Throughout our entire relationship I was getting help for myself. He refused marriage counseling or help for himself. Every little bit an episode like above would happen. There was the time he got out of a moving car because I would not stop for more alcohol, the vomit, the lost days and plans because of hangovers, the decision to not bring children into the relationship etc.

A little less than five years later he throws at me that I have never forgiven him for the first drunken episode. He is right, I have not. However I think I am capable of forgiveness, I am just not capable of sweeping it under the rug like it never happened.

I am going to be 35 next month. I was in relationship with my ex for seven years. Two of them great, the next five really hard and I feel like I lost myself in them. A year later I am just starting to truly heal. I have created a situation that I might not have the chance to have a family with biological children in them. I have me though and that is a heck of a lot more than I had during my marriage.

I am grateful I was given an opportunity to get out. I don't know if I would have on my own. I know in my heart it would have continued to deteriorate, and honestly it has already hurt me enough.

LivingLife4Me

The first 4 months of our marriage were wonderful. The next 15 years have been H E ! ! . I have tried everything. Now I know that *I* am sick as well, and for my own sanity and serenity, I have to get OUT. Bottoms up, chap! Drink all ya want! I'm stick a fork in me, done.

Sue

SoaringSpirits

It sure is the last resort for me. I stepped into marriage with my AH 16 years ago with the idea that it was for a lifetime. But I did not take those vows with an alcoholic. Over the past 7 years he has progressed into being an alcoholic, and alcohol is now his first love. We have done a ton of counseling and made progress in some ways, but counseling doesn't work when there is an active alcoholic ---- our counselor finally told us he could not help with my husband continuing to drink. We have been separated nearly 6 months now, and he is not taking any steps toward recovery. I feel he has broken our vows of marriage, to "love, honor and respect, and forsaking all others...." There is no respect or honor now, yet still a lot of love, but ultimately he has left me for booze. If there is no true marriage, then it doesn't really matter much how we close it. I won't continue to live my life hoping and wishing.

nodaybut2day

In my case, there wasn't just alcoholism, there was abuse and tons of it. Despite that, I believe I worked very hard for the duration of the relationship to "make it work"; I sublimated myself to the point that I was afraid to say or do anything that would "rock the boat" and send him flying into a rage. I have no shame in saying I chose to divorce the man who lied to me, cheated on me, stole from me and abused me.

fedup3

I'm almost embarrassed to say I stayed with my XAH for 39 yrs of marriage! How sick do you think I am right now and how much help do you think I need? He was abusive (verbally and physically), controlling, drunk 24/7, non-working, and tried to keep me isolated like he was with his drinking and watching tv all day and night long. I was the breadwinner but he was the one who decided how we spent our money. He was embarrassing to be out in public with because he would make a scene if he got angry. He went through detox I can't count how many times at least once a month for years and to 2 stints in rehab with the last one coming home drunk the day he got out. He doesn't shower or shave most days, he vomits, doesn't eat and his breath would kill you if he gets too close to you. Yes, I think I have gone way beyond what one human being can do for another, divorce was my only way out of this hell.

bellakeller

sorry, misread something...

Ladybug0130

Now that I am going through a divorce, I have a lot more empathy for people in this situation and I truly believe most people don't take this lightly. It takes A LOT for most of us to want a divorce. I never in a million years thought I would be divorced but the situation with my STBXAH's drinking became so intolerable, so ridiculous, that I couldn't do it anymore. Divorce is not easy, there are issues with custody, issues with things like loan payments I am on and cannot get off of, trying to raise kids on my own, etc, that I never would have done this if I felt there were another viable option. I am stressed to be a divorced single working mom, but I also feel like a brick has been lifted off my chest because the uncertainty of living with a serious alcoholic is a special kind of hell on earth.

dollydo

When married to an alcoholic or drug addict there is only one person in the relationship, the sober one, so the odds of it working out are slim and none.

I too, consider it the last resort, when the ship was sinking, I jumped in the life boat and saved myself.

Kassie2

It is a tough decision to make and then follow through no matter what the circumstances. My exah was often the one who threatened to leave and get a divorce. I couldn't imagine it myself for years. So the first time I suggested it... my exah was in shock and knew that something had changed in me. It was not long before his behavior worsened to the point that I asked me to leave. ( He actually called the police because I had locked him out of the bedroom. The next morning I told him he had to go - his response was casual and said it would happen when he had time to find an apt. Next thing I knew I was emptying his drawers into suitcases and loudly letting him know that if he has time to go to work - he has time to find an apt.)

After all that, he got sober for 7 seven months (attended AA for six of them)and we were talking about his move back home. It was a bumpier ride than ever for the next four months - he had relapsed and told me -relapsed and lied - but nothing changed. We also attended marriage counseling off/on through the relationship. The one thing that was suggested I did try - I finally did - that was to take a real break of no contact for awhile. So I did.

I have only been divorced 5 months now, that break started 2 years ago. I thought as always that he would get sober for longer - and we would work it out. He initiated the divorce himself one year ago but didn't follow through. I did this year to protect my finances. I just found out that during that "break" he went from trying to call me daily for two weeks and then started dating. At this point I know he had several affairs during our "break" - I wonder if each knew about the other but I don't care. It hurt me to know that while I was still hoping to work it out - he had moved on. How much more does one need to know it is done?

The answer is always up to the individual in the situation. How much can you take? want to deal with? My church told me that I couldn't divorce him no matter what and while they considered it an awful situation for me - I was still advised not to do so. Well, I have my own opinions on that now. Marriage counselors always asked the question, " How long do you want to live this way?" My family (before they left this life) didn't understand A and kept telling me to tell him to just stop! My kids were the best! They said plainly his behavior was immature, they understood he had a problem, and that it was up to me and they would support whatever I did. Now, they ask me how I managed to stay so long.

So whether it is the first thought or the last straw... the choice is always yours. Remember that and I hope for the best in your life.

m1k3

I am walking down that path right now. I have been separated from my wife for over 6 months now, nothing formal just not living together. It has been particularly hard for me as a former member of the Marine Corps with a no retreat no surrender attitude. Death before dishonor and all that.

It is finally sinking in that I have choices here. She seemed to be doing better but then I get an email about how she is not an alcoholic and Al-Anon is brainwashing me. I can choose not to live that way any more.

When she seemed to be working a recovery I thought about us getting back together and what the living arrangements would be like and what boundaries I would want and things like that. Then it hit me, would I get involved in that type of relationship with someone new. The answer is NO.

I have decided it is simply time to move on. This is not an easy decision but it is time for me to accept that this relationship is dead and has been for a long time.

Your friend,

fedup3

Sorry Mike, I know that decision isn't easy and that when you realize it's done it's done.

Kassie, I kept myself from divorcing my xah for years (39 yrs married) because of my beliefs as well but my church friends agreed that living like this for this long would eventually do me in long before the alcoholic does him in so I filed. My therapist who is a teacher at a Divinity college explained that true it is a disease he can go and get help for it but chooses not to so he has hardened his heart and really walked away from the marriage a long time ago it's just too bad it took me so long to figure that out,ugh.

MsPINKAcres

StlSunny12

I think if you have the time and hang out here a while - you may find many many stories of just how much we have tried, worked, cried, prayed, tolerated and done everything humanly possible to try make "this work"

I know for me - the "option" of divorce became not a choice but the only path for sanity and survival.

breakingglass

i am in the midst of making that decision myself. i'm currently living out of the house and we are both going to therapy. i want to go home in the worst way but i'm afraid things will just return to being chaotically "normal" (there's an oxymoron for you!). i'm not ready for divorce but that option isn't moot yet. i'll be a big person and give him a chance. but somehow i know in my heart that if i move back home and he so much as looks at me crosseyed, i'm out of there for good...

Carol Star

It was my last resort after breaking up, going back, rehab,relapse, rehab, jail, he lost his job, lost his licsence.....wore me out....was very sad and now is fine after 4 years......post divorce

Stlsunny12

Thank you all for sharing. I am now where near considering divorce, just wondering if people valued marriage anymore or just gave up when times got hard.
Thank you for sticking thru it and trying to make everything work.