wanttobehappy

hello,
i am new to this forum and would like to say thank you in advance if you are reading my post.
my partner, who i have been with for 5 years and have a young child with, has always been a problem drinker, which got progressively worse in the last 2 years. He only drank in the evenings but He was very aggressive and abusive verbally when drunk, and had been arrested before for the behaviour. i left him 5 months ago as i could not take any more and his drinking got worse, he was drinking during the day at this point, but still going to work, and took an overdose after a drunken binge, and got arrested when he came to see me and my daughter at our new house and got arrested there. After intervention from his family he agreed to go to a rehab clinic and i agreed to move back home as he had gone to get help, and that i would try to support him as much as i could. He was there for 2 weeks, and came out 2 weeks ago. Since leaving he has not attended any AA meetings or sought any support. Last week i thought he had been drinking secretly, and when i asked him he eventually told me that he had on 3 occasions, calling in the pub after work to down a few quick drinks before he came home. He came home tonight, and i could tell he was drunk, slurring words and being niggly, and he admitted he had called in the pub for 10 mins after work to have a couple of double vodkas.
He says that being told that he cannot have a drink makes him want it more, and if he was 'allowed' to have one or two a few times a week, he would be able to control it and be happy with that, because of what he has learnt in rehab etc. I personally dont believe this, i think its a slippery slope, and it will get out of control again. If he couldnt control it before when he faced losing me and our daughter, why would he be able to now?
I just wondered if anybody could offer me any advice from their experiences? Has anyone known an alcoholic who could control their drinking? Is this quite a commom pattern in recovery? I really dont know what i should do, whether to step back and let him do what he wants, as i know i cant stop him drinking if he wants to, allowing him to drink at home? I am really not sure of what my boundaries in all of this are, i just want to do the right thing. I am planning on going to an al anon meeting this week, just havent been since he came out of the clinic as i wanted to be around to support him. i cant force him to meetings but i feel so helpless. I know if it all gets out of control again i will have to leave with our daughter, and i am so scared because i came back because i want to keep our family together.
Thanks again, and thinking of everyone who finds themself on here for support, it is so tough. Glad i found this forum reading through other peoples experiences really helps to not feel alone in it all.

Willybluedog

So glad you are here, I think getting to an al-anon meeting is a huge step in the right direction, the folks there should be able to give you solid guidance.

It is amirable that you want to keep your family together, but please consider the safety of yourself and your child, in addition growing up in a home where there is constant verbal abuse is very damaging.

As far as alcoholics go every one is different, a friends mom gets drunk every 90 days, the pressure to stay sober gets to her so she ties one on and then starts over the next day. I would say that as fresh as he is from rehab he probably cannot handle any alcohol.

I hope you will come back often and let us know how you are doing.

Please take care and peace be with you.

Bill

NotSoSmart

My sister is an alcoholic but started drinking again (when, I don't know). She claims she's been "sober" 3 years but then decided she could moderate her drinking. Maybe she can... I don't know its not for me to say. She's had MANY DUI's, legal consequences, etc as a result of her drinking in the past, so if I were her I wouldn't want to play with fire. But I'm not her and its her life.
I do know that if my partner comes back from rehab and goes back at it, even in moderation, it will lead to bigger and worse things. I've seen that before. I also don't think a 2 week program is really long enough to learn any appreciable sobriety skills such as relapse prevention (assuming the A really wants to stop).
Just my 2 American cents

outtolunch

Partner is NOT in recovery.

nodaybut2day

My advice to you (and feel free to ignore it if you want) is this: since your partner is still drinking, what are *you* going to do? Is this how you want to live your life? (Keep in mind that your partner is exactly who he wants to be at this moment and will not change unless HE decides it's time to do so).

What about exposing your child to this kind of environment? Doesn't she deserve a safe, sane and loving home, free from the madness of addiction?

fedup3

What is he doing on his part to keep the family together?

Programmatic

Quoted from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous (page 30):

"The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker."

There's the answer to your question as posed. The real work is an inside job and has nothing to do with him.

Taking5

Red flags everywhere. First of all 2 weeks is not rehab, it is closer to detox than rehab. Secondly no one at rehab teaches alcohol moderation. I have never heard of this, ever.

Justfor1

If he is an alcoholic than he will not be able to moderate for very long. Sneaking off to the pub for a "few" double vodkas is a sign he is an alcoholic. Getting arrested while drunk is a sign he is an alcoholic. Drinking during the day is a sign he is an alcoholic. I know a few alcoholics that are able to moderate for months but in the end they go off on a bender ending up worse than when they started. It's the nature of alcoholism.

wanttobehappy

Thanks for your messages, I did leave with my daughter, i knew it was not a good environment for her or i to be in anymore, and went back to him on his promise that he wanted to get better. Maybe I was naive, i just hoped that he really had got to his rock bottom and wanted to get better. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, and give him a second chance to beat this, and for us to have a happy family life together. He was never verbally abusive or aggressive in front of my daughter as she is so young most of it happened when she was in bed, but im sure she must have picked up on my stress and unhapinness. He was only ever like it after an evening session. The daytime drinking was happening only in the last few months we were together and i didnt even realise it until he told me when he was in the clinic. When he is not drinking, he is a lovely person and a good dad, and i guess i wanted to have the chance to have this person all of the time. In my head right now, i am thinking he hasnt done anything bad towards me, or been so drunk its affected me really, but its the worry that things will gradually go back to where they were if he is drinking now and again so soon after leaving the clinic. And im always looking for signs that he has had a drink. I know 2 weeks is such a short time, and hardly any work was done in that time, but hoped it would detox him and then give him a clear head to continue with AA when he left.
Im worried that if I leave again, i havent given him the chance to change, and maybe this is just a blip before he does start going to AA meetings, but also worried that im being a fool and setting myself up for a big let down again, and uprooting my daughter yet again.
Thanks again

wanttobehappy

Out to lunch - sorry if i offended you by using the term 'in recovery', its what the counseller i saw referred to my partner being in. As im sure you understand i am new to this. Perhaps you could tell me when a person is in 'recovery'....

Carol Star

my therapist who saw me and my AH said to tell him 90 meetings in 90 days or we would seperate.....he did not do it....we divorced.....not my problem anymore.......

wanttobehappy

Carol Star, thanks for your message. You sound so strong, can i ask did you have personal one to one counselling or together? we are seeing a counseller from the clinic he attended, together, but she just said if you dont stop you will lose your family. ive put no definitives or boundaries in to when/why i would leave again.

Justfor1

wanttobe, I guess "in recovery" would mean actively seeking sobriety. Here in the States rehab is usually 28days of inpatient maybe in UK it's 2 weeks? I know AA is around the world but the U.S. is it's home base.

wanttobehappy

Justfor1 - Thankyou for explaining. Maybe the term recovery is used with him as the clinic he left believe he is seeking sobriety, its what he says he is doing, but these are just little slip ups as he has cravings. But i know he still wants to drink, he said being told he cant have something makes him want it more. If he was 'allowed' to have a glass of wine now and again, he'd be happy with that. And that he has learnt tools to control it...which i know is ridiculous after doing 2 weeks of a detox and part of step 1! I think he is in denial still and trying to talk me round so that he can continue to drink and keep me and my daughter with him. I believe he thinks he can control it, so he doesnt fear losing his family again. But as everyone who has gone through this tells me, this generally does not happen!

wanttobehappy

anvilhead - thanks for your message, that makes so much sense and i know everything you say is right. I think deep down i know it, and maybe im in denial myself .....i used to be so confident and strong, but i now feel like ive lost confidence in my judgement and ability to think clearly and make decisions. I always feel guilt,or worry that im doing the wrong thing and i dont know why as i know deep down that it is not my fault .although for a long time was made to feel that all of it was my fault. His family also blamed me for his problems and said i contributed to him getting worse because i left him. ... He took the overdose after i left him, luckily i spoke to him that night and knew something was going to happen so i contacted his family and they went round and found him just in time. He also started drinking more when i left him, so they blame me for that. If i leave, and he gets worse or takes another overdose, i dont know how i would live with the guilt, my daughter having an ill father/no father. Its hard because i do love him, but i dont like the person he is when he is drinking.
i know you cannot tell me what to do, but do you/does anyone else think or have they, given their loved one an ultimatum....as in, if you dont attend aa meetings i will leave, or if you have any more 'slip ups' i will leave, i really dont know what the right thing to do is. When do i actually say enough is enough? i am so confused.

wanttobehappy

Just wondered if anyone else has experiences of loved ones who have gone to a clinic to detox and start them off on the 12 steps who have made no attempt to follow it up when they leave? my partner says he wants to get sober, and is trying really hard, but he is not going to AA or having any other support.....

shawty80

my xabf had the paragraph from which programmatic quoted cued up on his phone for me to read the night after he told me he didn't think he was an alcoholic and that he could control his drinking. there's no surprise that the remainder of the chapter goes on to detail stories of those who have tried and failed.

he went into the hospital for detox in april, and spent almost four months (actually, just three days SHORT of four months) sober and in aa. after he started drinking again, he quickly started blaming me for making him feel guilty, and two weeks later, he broke up with me. two weeks after that, he told me that his drinking had increased "ironically," and a month after (which happened to be this past weekend), he went out of town to a beer festival with his buddies.

maybe he's an alcoholic, maybe he's not. maybe he's controlling his drinking, maybe he isn't. only HE can figure out his pathway, and i am so much happier not having to constantly worry that the next drink may send him plummeting. it's his life to live as he sees fit, and i'm trying to do the same with mine. i've FINALLY starting doing things that i want to do, and it feels okay.

good luck to you and keep posting. i know that every single thing that i read helps me immensely!!!

Justfor1

AA will do absolutely nothing if he goes because you make him. If he doesn't want complete sobriety he is going to get worse whether you are with him or not. Alcoholics do not like being told what to do (most adults don't) and forcing him to attend AA could backfire. Also, IMO it is a myth that everyone going to AA is sober. I have known people to drink before, after and yes even during meetings! AA and treatment/therapy are not always the magic answer. Chances are he was a pretty messed up person inside even before picking up booze. Recovery takes a lot of work and time.

nodaybut2day

Wanttobehappy...I understand the desire to give him as many chances as possible. I understand the desire to have an "intact" traditional two-parent home. I felt the same way while married to my ex-husband.

As for ultimatums, I've found they never really work, because the goal of an ultimatum is to manipulate someone into doing something you want them to, whether it's for their own good or not.

Instead, I would highly recommend you reflect on your own boundaries in this current situation...what are you willing to live with? What aren't you willing to live with? What will you do if you find yourself faced with things you don't want to live with? It's really important that you figure out these boundaries and then enforce them, not with a goal to punish/influence/change your partner, but for yourself. And obviously, your partner treats you the way you let him treat you...

As for his promises...well, those are just words. Words don't mean jack. Actions are what speak. I suggest you stop listening to his words and start looking at his actions.