Partner recently in recovery following rehab, secret drinking any advice please?
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 204
Originally Posted by fedup3 
What is he doing on his part to keep the family together?
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
I left my verbally abusive AH of 23yrs about 5 months ago now and went no contact. We have grown up daughters so that made it easy.
About 8 weeks later my AH contacted me wanting to talk. I eventually decided to go and see what he had to say for himself.
He was a bit of a mess, had lost weight and very shakey. He told me that he had reached his rock bottom, didnt want to loose me and wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. He told me that he had been to see his doctor, was taking medication to help with depression and anxiety symptoms and was also seeing a therapist to help with stopping drinking.
I told my AH that my boundary is that I will no longer live or be with an active alcoholic ever again and the ball was in his court.
My AH is currently 'in recovery'. This is how it looks to me (from the outside). He has been sober for 10 wks. He talks about how he is an alcoholic and one drink is not enough for him. He talks about how he knows that he cant drink for the rest of his life. He has genuinly appologised for all the hurt and upset his drinking has caused. He shows me this by being attentive, thoughtful and loving. He talks about the 'consequences' of his actions. He is willing to hear about those consequences. He has told his daughters that he is working hard towards long term sobriety. He is taking care of his business (home, work, bills etc) He is enjoying the responsibilty of taking care of his business and dealing with day to day problems that occur. He is still going to see his therapist. He regulary sees his doctor to keep him up-to-date with his progress. He is still reading and educating himself on the disease. He is continuously a pleasure to be around. He gives me no 'red flags' or negative signals. He says sorry a lot and I tell him to show me how sorry he is by staying sober.
10 wks is very early days. We have discussed living together again in the future but for now there is no rush. We both know that we have a lot of work to do in both our recovery and our marriage, so its better if we take our time and get it right this time once and for all.
In the meantime, I continue with my own recovery by seeing a therapist, regualry visiting SR and Al-anon and continuing with my new outside the home activities and freinds. The rest is a 'time will tell' kind of deal.
About 8 weeks later my AH contacted me wanting to talk. I eventually decided to go and see what he had to say for himself.
He was a bit of a mess, had lost weight and very shakey. He told me that he had reached his rock bottom, didnt want to loose me and wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. He told me that he had been to see his doctor, was taking medication to help with depression and anxiety symptoms and was also seeing a therapist to help with stopping drinking.
I told my AH that my boundary is that I will no longer live or be with an active alcoholic ever again and the ball was in his court.
My AH is currently 'in recovery'. This is how it looks to me (from the outside). He has been sober for 10 wks. He talks about how he is an alcoholic and one drink is not enough for him. He talks about how he knows that he cant drink for the rest of his life. He has genuinly appologised for all the hurt and upset his drinking has caused. He shows me this by being attentive, thoughtful and loving. He talks about the 'consequences' of his actions. He is willing to hear about those consequences. He has told his daughters that he is working hard towards long term sobriety. He is taking care of his business (home, work, bills etc) He is enjoying the responsibilty of taking care of his business and dealing with day to day problems that occur. He is still going to see his therapist. He regulary sees his doctor to keep him up-to-date with his progress. He is still reading and educating himself on the disease. He is continuously a pleasure to be around. He gives me no 'red flags' or negative signals. He says sorry a lot and I tell him to show me how sorry he is by staying sober.
10 wks is very early days. We have discussed living together again in the future but for now there is no rush. We both know that we have a lot of work to do in both our recovery and our marriage, so its better if we take our time and get it right this time once and for all.
In the meantime, I continue with my own recovery by seeing a therapist, regualry visiting SR and Al-anon and continuing with my new outside the home activities and freinds. The rest is a 'time will tell' kind of deal.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 22
Thanks for your messages, it really does help me to think clearer. I have to start thinking and looking after myself and my daughter, and whats best for us, and stop trying to 'fix' him. I know he has to want to do it. We have a meeting booked at the weekend at his rehab clinic to discuss progress, or not as it seems, and am taking that opportunity with some support around me to lay down my boundaries. I want a zero tolerance, any alcohol, i go with my daughter. Then it is his choice what happens from there. He came home last night from work, i smelt alcohol, his speech slightly slurry, when i asked nied drinking, he said it was because he had a drink the night before, and was tired. He swore on mine and my daughters life that he hadnt drunk, and got very defensive saying he was fed up of me accusing him of having a drink when he hadnt, and went to sleep without discussing it any further. What im feeling really confused about right now is, what if i take a step back and let him get on with it, he tells me he's not drinking, but covers it too well, and i dont realise til it all hits the fan again. I dont want to live thinking its all ok and then realise its not, i dont want to waste my time and heart being with someone who is lying to me. He said this morning that he took a couple of anti depressants the morning of the day before, ones he used to be on. Goodness knows why, maybe he is looking for anything that may try to make him feel better, even though they would have no effect at all. He has never apologised for all of the horrible things he said and did when he was at his worst, i wonder if he even acknowledges how much he hurt and stress he has put me through.
We are going out this evening for dinner, first time for many months, betting he will want to have a drink with his dinner, if he does i will leave and not continue with the meal.
thanks again it is so good to be chatting to people who understand
We are going out this evening for dinner, first time for many months, betting he will want to have a drink with his dinner, if he does i will leave and not continue with the meal.
thanks again it is so good to be chatting to people who understand
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
WantToBeHappy, rules are "if you do this, I will do this". Speaking from experience they never work.
Boundaries are for yourself, they are there to protect you and your daughter. They are things like "I won't have discussions with someone who is not sober (booze or pills)". You also need a plan for what you will do if your boundary is violated. Leave the room, go spend the night somewhere else, move out. What ever you feel is appropriate.
Checking up on his drinking doesn't work either. It just like trying to teach a pig to sing. It frustrates you and annoys the pig. He will either drink or not drink. It is not up to you to monitor him over this, you are his wife not his mother.
What is up to you is to set your boundaries and have a plan in place in case he violates them. You don't even have to tell him because they are about you. not him.
BTW, the continued drinking and pill taking do not sound like slips to me. In my experience in dealing with my AW it has always meant that she had not embraced recovery for herself.
Your friend,
Boundaries are for yourself, they are there to protect you and your daughter. They are things like "I won't have discussions with someone who is not sober (booze or pills)". You also need a plan for what you will do if your boundary is violated. Leave the room, go spend the night somewhere else, move out. What ever you feel is appropriate.
Checking up on his drinking doesn't work either. It just like trying to teach a pig to sing. It frustrates you and annoys the pig. He will either drink or not drink. It is not up to you to monitor him over this, you are his wife not his mother.
What is up to you is to set your boundaries and have a plan in place in case he violates them. You don't even have to tell him because they are about you. not him.
BTW, the continued drinking and pill taking do not sound like slips to me. In my experience in dealing with my AW it has always meant that she had not embraced recovery for herself.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
I remember the days of sniffing my XAH just to figure out IF he had been drinking, or HOW MUCH. In the end, I just gave up. I realized that I was waiting for HIM to mess up, to give myself permission to leave, because I didn't want to be "the bad guy" who split up the marriage. It hadn't occured to me that HE had been "the bad guy" for years while he drank the money I made and literally pissed it down the toilet. If you want to leave, because the life you have with him has become unmanageable, because you don't want to live with a giant cartoon piano teetering over your head, ready to drop on you at any time, you have a right to do so.
Your partner (like my XAH) can deny up and down that he hasn't been drinking, but generally, people who haven't been drinking don't smell like booze or slur their speech. There's a saying that goes around SR; it's tough but true..."How do you know an alkie is lying? His mouth is open".
Your partner (like my XAH) can deny up and down that he hasn't been drinking, but generally, people who haven't been drinking don't smell like booze or slur their speech. There's a saying that goes around SR; it's tough but true..."How do you know an alkie is lying? His mouth is open".
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Helpful things I have learned here and elsewhere- let go or be dragged......work the program you wish they would work, if you get between someone and their bottom they will land on you......meeting makers make it.......get a sponser.......work the steps......work on me......serenity prayer......through prayer and meditation......vote with your feet.......detach......
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by wanttobehappy
Just wondered if anyone else has experiences of loved ones who have gone to a clinic to detox and start them off on the 12 steps who have made no attempt to follow it up when they leave? my partner says he wants to get sober, and is trying really hard, but he is not going to AA or having any other support.....
He was back to using/drinking the same day he got out.
It was discovered he was also smoking pot during rehab on their outings to the local park. He was never drug-tested while in rehab. So essentially he never was clean/sober.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Since there is nothing you can do or say that will keep your partner from drinking, this must be about YOU. You must protect yourself and your child, which means leaving if your partner drinks. It sounds like a terrible, painful situation to be in, but it is within your power to change that. I wish the very best for you.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 22
Thank you Mike, i really need to think about whats right for me and like you say have it in place so i am clearer on what i am to do.
tonight i came home, his friend has been over, he had a beer, and there were traces of cocaine on my dining table. He played dumb to it, then i asked him to empty his pockets, there was a rolled up piece of paper, rolled to snort coke with. He swore it was his friends and he hid it in his pocket as he knew id think the worst, that it was him. Just opened my laptop, found porn on it that he forgot to close, and now admitted he goes on the websites most nights. He said i dont love him, im with him for financial security. So hurt and angry right now, he's stormed off, and im just thinking i cant do this anymore. he's not trying, im still getting blamed. Think i am going to leave tomorrow and let his family deal with it, im so worn out and just emotionallly drained by it all. Feel like everything ive done was a waste of time, i came back home after splitting on the condition he was going to get better. My friends and family thought i was mad, i feel like ive lost my pride, and now im going to be leaving again. Feeling very lonely and just sad for what i hoped could have been. And hurt for my daughter that her dad doesnt want to do everything he can to be there 100% for her and keep our family together.
thank you for your message, it means so much that people take time to help.
tonight i came home, his friend has been over, he had a beer, and there were traces of cocaine on my dining table. He played dumb to it, then i asked him to empty his pockets, there was a rolled up piece of paper, rolled to snort coke with. He swore it was his friends and he hid it in his pocket as he knew id think the worst, that it was him. Just opened my laptop, found porn on it that he forgot to close, and now admitted he goes on the websites most nights. He said i dont love him, im with him for financial security. So hurt and angry right now, he's stormed off, and im just thinking i cant do this anymore. he's not trying, im still getting blamed. Think i am going to leave tomorrow and let his family deal with it, im so worn out and just emotionallly drained by it all. Feel like everything ive done was a waste of time, i came back home after splitting on the condition he was going to get better. My friends and family thought i was mad, i feel like ive lost my pride, and now im going to be leaving again. Feeling very lonely and just sad for what i hoped could have been. And hurt for my daughter that her dad doesnt want to do everything he can to be there 100% for her and keep our family together.
thank you for your message, it means so much that people take time to help.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 15
My husband quit drinking for 6 weeks (knowing that his drinking was out of control) and then decided that he can handle an occasional beer. When he quit he was admitting he had a problem. Now he says it was a little too drastic and that he can handle drinking moderately. I am waiting for the progression (sadly) because only when it gets out of control again will he stop for good. I have suggested that things were better when he didn't drink at all-but he doesn't see it or want it. I do think it is a matter of time before we are at that "place" again. I am hoping I am wrong because things are ok for now. My guess is for your husband that moderate drinking won't last either.
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