SunnyinSC

Here I am again. I can't seem to stay off this website! I’ve been reading up and researching this disease I’ve been dealing with in my ABF. I think is about time for me to leave so I can take care of me, but I keep getting drawn back into the thought pattern of am I helping him at all by staying or am I just making the situation worse by staying. I know that I can’t fix him, but I’m a fixer…so that’s hard to hear and say to myself.

He came to today work smelling of alcohol. I don't know if it's coming out of his pores or if he actually drank before work, but either way...That may be because of the 21 beers that he drank yesterday. He’s stuck at the office today, so that’s a blessing. My boss pulled me in (My ABF and I work at the same place, different departments), and asked me what was going on with him since she saw the staples in his head. They are aware of his disease and were fine with helping him, he gave up the liquor but relapsed into that 4 weekends ago. I told her about the weekend of his hitting his head and needing the staples, and how I really felt it was time to break up with him and let him go. I’ve fought as much as I can fight for him. Being the only cheerleader on the field is not productive at all, especially when no one is on the playing field!

I guess my main issue is, I would like to support him if he happens to hit bottom and asks for help. I love the man that is underneath the Mr. Hyde outfit, but he’s quickly suffocating my ABF. Maybe this is me saying I can’t quite let him go right now. I know that I am ok with him hitting hard – I’m actually praying for it – and he’s quickly running down the path of not having a job by the end of the week, which would be a huge hit for him since he doesn’t really have any financial savings or anything otherwise.

Sorry if I seem to be talking in circles, but I just need some input here on how other people have gotten through the tug and pull of their emotions on whether to stay or go.

Freedom1990

For me, I didn't hit a bottom until there was no one left to pick me up.

I can also say that my 33-year-old AD has hit many of what I thought were "bottoms," and it didn't change a thing.

She's still going strong in her addictions.

For now she's sitting in jail on felony drug charges.

Not the first time she's ended up in jail, nor will it be her last no doubt.

sugarbear1

That boss had no right asking you about him. Boss needs to ask your bf.

You need to focus on you. Please help you. Try al anon & detach with love.

Cyranoak

Let him live his life and face his consequences. The best and most loving thing you can do, IMHO, is not help him at all. AT ALL. And get thee to an Alanon meeting where you will learn how to figure out when you are hurting vs. supporting (usually, if you do things for them they can and should be doing themselves, you are hurting).

Good luck,

Cyranoak

Willybluedog

Please focus on yourself and your recovery, leave him to carry his own weight.

Peace be with you,

marie1960

I had to get out when I realized his addiction was having a negative effect on my life.
His disease was controlling both of our lives. I knew I was done when one day I was actually trying to rationalize his unrational behavior. The disease was trying to suck me in, and I knew I did not want to live like that.

In the 25 years I have worked as a professional closer, my days are filled with situations that need to be "fixed" . The disease of alcoholism is one file that I know I will never be "fixing". Educating myself about this disease gave me the ability to walk away with a clear conscience. We are powerless over this disease.

Time to make good healthy choices for YOU. Listen to that inner voice, it will not steer you wrong. All my best to you...........

nodaybut2day

You are not this man's keeper, mother, or therapist. If you stay with the intention of "helping him", you are robbing this man of the dignity of finding recovery for himself. Doesn't your ABF deserve that dignity?

m1k3

I know its hard but he will only get better when he is ready and he will have to do it on his own for himself. Just like it was for my recovery. I had to seek out SR and Al-Anon, I had to read the literature, go to the meetings, post here, do the journaling and introspection, work the steps and I had to do them for myself. None of that would have had any value if I had felt I was doing it because someone else wanted me to.

It is the same for him. He has to do it because HE wants to and he has to do it for himself. It shouldn't matter to him what anyone else does or doesn't do.

Your friend,

NYCDoglvr

We are powerless over people, places and things. There is nothing you can do or say that will keep your boy friend from drinking. Essentially you're saying it's ok to drink by staying with him. It not easy for any of us to move away from an alcoholic but you can do it. In the process you'll save your own life and give yourself a chance for real happiness.

Good luck!

sherby

When Dealing With Alcoholics You Have To Love Them From A Distance.... Staying With Them Only Allows them to sink lower into the disease... Most Of All You Must Love Your-self & Remove Yourself from this situation....
Right Now I Love My EXABF, But To Keep My Sanity and To Keep Me Healthy I must love him from a distance.. (Meaning No Contact)
I have been gone now 6 months and From What I hear, He still drinks, So Me Leaving didn't change anything, It Only Changed Me, I Got My Peace Of Mind Back.
Wishing you only the best... Remember You Didn't Cause This, You Can't Control This and You Can't Cure It. Hugs and Best Wishes For you.

msbelle57

Do what you need to do for you...that is true happiness!